On Mil-Spouse Conversations

I had the wonderful experience this week of a visit from the lovely and talented Sarah, and her dog Charlie. 

We had a few interesting events happen as Charlie, the 22 pound Tibetan Terrier, causing bodily harm to my 60 pound pit bull Ike.  Ike is now missing one toenail at the root.  And he also has the humiliation of knowing his butt was kicked by a Tibetan Terrier.

But the best part of Sarah's whole visit, to me, was when we got to talk some shop while waiting for Brad Thor to start his appearance and book signing (oh yeah - I got to meet him!  I was like a teenager waiting for High School Musical Live! to start).  Sarah and I spent the time talking about what our plans were if something ever happened to our husbands.

Not everyone plans out what will happen if that person, the chaplain, shows up in uniform at their door.  Enough people do, however, that the phenomenon has a name - anticipatory grief.  We've talked about it here on SpouseBUZZ several times - here and here are a few places. 

I didn't know what it was when Air Force Guy first deployed in 2003.  I do remember that I had it all planned out in my mind, right down to what I would be wearing when it happened.  And it kind of bothered me enough that I tried to talk to my Dad about it.  I figured that as a Vietnam Veteran, he would understand what I was trying to say.  However, there is a big difference between living through the war, and watching your daughter wait through a war at home.

My Dad, who is a wonderful guy, did not react well to what I was trying to say.  "Don't talk about that!  Don't think about it!  It's not going to happen!"  Another person I tried to talk to told me that thinking about it would "jinx" me, so I should push it out of my mind.

The thing was, I couldn't.  So I felt totally weird.  And morbid.  I thought I had to be the most morbid person on the face of the Earth.  Who plans their husband's death?  Until Andi and armywifetoddlermom started really bringing anticipatory grief out in the open, I just kept planning and kept hiding it. 

Now I know that quite a lot of wives do this.  And I don't feel weird.  But I do still need to get it out of my system a little.  And Sarah's visit - where we spent an hour discussing burial plans, cremation, and the company that can now make diamonds out of someone's cremains - filled a very big need that I had and I hadn't been able to take care of lately.

Who else would understand that these kind of things keep me up at night?  And the best thing was, when I mentioned the diamond creating company, Sarah didn't look at me like I was some ghoul from outer space, but had total understanding in her eyes.  Right down to the sudden realization we both had wondering what we would do if, while wearing our ring, the diamond was lost.  I admitted I'd probably completely lose my mind for good.

And Sarah's insights were really good, too.  Anticipatory grief is very personal, and being willing to share the discussion with someone is a gift. 

When we came home after our discussion, my husband asked what we had talked about.  I told him, and he said, "That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.  You were talking about making diamond rings out of my cremains?  Are you sure Sarah isn't going to run out of our house in the dead of night in fear?"

Then he said, "Why are you having insomnia worrying about me dying when I'M HOME RIGHT NOW?  This is silly!"

I'm sure it is, but I know that he'll be gone again.  And this is something that, over the years we've been at war, has just become a part of my everyday life.  It sounds tremendously morbid to a lot of people, like I live in some kind of depressive fog.  The funny thing is, I don't feel depressed about it.  I feel lucky.  Not lucky that we have deployments hanging over us and time apart.  But lucky that I've been able to realize what we have NOW, while AFG is still with me.  I have been able to better figure out when we have disagreements that are silly, and decide that they just don't matter.  We end all our conversations with, "I love you," because I want that to always be the last thing I said to him - even when we argue and I don't particularly like him at that moment.

I have two friends from high school who lost their husbands to car accidents - and last year one of them said to me that she always regretted not having made the most out of their relationship before her husband died.  She just never thought it would happen.

I don't think it will ever happen to me, either.  But it could.

Talking to someone about those feelings was indescribable. 

I feel so much better today - I even fell asleep without any insomnia last night. 

      

Comments

[Elisa]

I completely understand. I've never had anyone to talk about it with, but I imagine that gave you a sense of freedom.

Here's to all military spouses who understand...

[army_wife]

Wow, I thought I was just really wierd. Thanks for this post. I'm glad to know that other wives think about the same things sometimes.

It's good in a way to have some sort of plan figured out. That way if something DOES happen, we aren't just totally blown away with no plan in sight, not knowing where to even start on this stuff. It's also good to figure out early on to make the most of what we have now. So many people take their loved ones for granted and then when it's too late they realize it. I've often thought about that myself.

Thanks again for the post... it's almost like you can see inside my mind. Right down to the "make sure 'I love you' is always the last thing you say to him!'" thought. Scary! ;-)

[Brando]

I always felt like I was weird for having these same thoughts. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one. It was so bad when my hubby was gone that I always made sure that my house was spotless in case someone should come knocking at my door. I always thought I was morbid for thinking about that, because of course if I were to get that news, that would be the last thing to worry about.

My hubby is actually the one who suggested the diamond ring idea! Even now that he's home he makes comments about me making him into a fat diamond if anything should happen to him. At least I know now that we're not the only ones with these thoughts...

[angela]

I also keep a plan in the back of my mind just in case. I know FOR A FACT that if something happened to my husband I would be told how things were going to be. His mom would shove me to the side and try to take over the funeral. My mom would start moving mine and the kids stuff to live with her. Before my husband deployed we sat down and he told me the best way to use and invest the insurance money and how much I could afford on a small house payment. He knows that if something happened to him I would be so upset that it would be hard for me to fight off the relatives. If I had a plan I would be able to stick to it and not be pushed around like a child. Not even going to get into what his sister and brother would try and do to me. It does make me feel better to have a plan. On the other side we do have a plan for if something happens to me so he won't be lost with these kids. And none of these plans involve living with my mom no matter what she tells you.

[Lee Anne Mitchell]

Such an important post! We all need to be reminded that the creation of these narratives of grief are so incredibly important and helpful and that there are so many others out there besides ourselves who construct those narratives of anticipatory grief. And, it seems that these narratives of grief and imagined bereavement get revised over and over again because our life circumstances change so dramatically with moves, children, careers, and other family issues.

Thank you for posting this, for both those of us who have experienced deployments and continue constructing and reconstructing these narratives to accommodate the changes in our lives and for those who are new to this and may be dealing with how uncomfortable and alienating anticipatory grief can be when you don't know that others are doing the same.

[Amber]

When my husband deployed in 2006 (our first, his 3rd), we had that uncomfortable talk. Where did he want to be buried...let's talk about the will and powers of att'y and all that other stuff...

I just remember getting so mad at him at little things and thinking, "Why don't you just go already..."

When it came time for him to come home, however, I kept feeling this anger at him...the same kind that I felt when he left and I told him, "None of this is yours anymore. You've been gone for a year and you just want to come back as if you'd never left. And why don't you just stay gone."

I wasn't mad at him, I later learned...that it was NORMAL to have those thoughts. I even talked to one of his friend's wife about it because I thought I was the only one who was thinking that way...she was too!

I never got that anticipatory grief, though. I didn't really plan it; the thought never really crossed my mind.

[NewArmyWifeMegan]

I have always felt guilty for planing the what ifs. I have thought of all the options and what ifs. I feel better that if it happens that I will be able to auto pilot through it.

[liberal army wife]

See... isn't it nice to know we aren't totally wierd, morbid, strange and crazy --- well about THAT topic anyway?

Having a plan, and WRITING IT DOWN so you can remember it if the worst happens, means that you won't get de-railed with the inlaws/outlaws/parents and all the other well meaning folks start in on you.

No - we aren't ghouls, we are realists.

LAW

[Semper Fi Wife]

We are realists but we also seek some control in a situation where we do not have much if any.
Or at least we need to feel like we have some.

[Susan]

Ours has two sides...the serious side where it's done and then the slightly snarky side.

Serious:
We have "the plan." As the Blue to Gold liaison for my chapter of Blue Star Mothers, I watched a mother have 8 days to hear her son was killed, process it and plan a funeral. Yes, it was quick; he was buried two days before Christmas. As a spouse, I don't want to have to do that. I want to be able to look at my call list, have my main person come over and me hand them the key to the safe deposit box where the information is safe and sound.

Slightly snarky:
I asked him could he imagine his mama planning his funeral? He slightly shuddered and told me to continue on. As far as the diamond, hubs totally freaked out when I told him our "small" insurance policy was just for that reason. (hee hee -not sure if I'm serious or not) I'd still have his ashes to tote around with me, but what shows love lasts forever better than a diamond? After all, it's what he said when he gave me my engagement ring. Then he chimes in with, "I bet you've got the blog post all figured out don't you?" My answer: "Yup." It makes my civilian friends uncomfortable to talk about it, but most all agree it needs to be done anyway.

What can I say, I'm a girl who likes to be prepared. Besides, everyone really should have their preparations in place. It can happen any time. It helps me to work from worst case scenario outward; preparing for the worst and praying for the best. It has helped me on more than one occasion and while it brings with it some angst, I've never regretted doing things the way I do. I also draw strength from others; Gold Star family blogs, articles, books. I learn strength and guidance from others. I tried talking to some of the wives from the unit, but they literally put their fingers in their ears and one of their husbands is a SWAT officer and they've never once considered it.

Wonderful post and I hope it helps someone who thought they were the only one know they aren't and take the time to think about it.

[ArmyReserveWife]

I have had the same thoughts too. I hate them, but I have had them.

Ladies-be so thankful that your dh's do tell you all this stuff. My dh and I had to help a spouse last fall whose dh died after PT at work, she knew nothing of their finances, nothing, she had no idea of her benefits etc... So as uncomfortable as it might be you both need to talk about what you would do if either one died. We have four kids at home, my dh would have a hard time if it was me, just like I would have a hard time if it was him. Thanks Airforcewife for bringing it up again!!!

[She of the Sea]

The way I see it, EVERYONE should have those plans, not just us crazy military families. My community has had two deaths this month, neither families that I know well enough to know whether they were prepared. I can only imagine the chaos that surrounds a family that has never even thought of planning ahead. Something could happen to any of us (especially driving around DC, LOL) and I would feel better knowing that my family wouldn't be completely adrift. I guess our family should talk about this even more than we have done. Maybe we could get USAA to write a checklist for the conversation!

Angela, you make excellent points. There are always family members who are sure that they know what is best and it would be hard to hold firm if you aren't prepared.

Thanks for a great post, AFW.

[mle]

Just wanted to let y'all know that USAA does have a survivors benefit department, that can assist with any and all items related to USAA accounts, and does have a checklist. just search "survivor" from the main screen. they are very good about planning, and wanting their members to be prepared too. :)

I know I planned, and now that hubby is home.. we end all conversations with "i love you"

people think it's weird, but it's not.. it's made us closer as a couple than anything else could have. reality is - cherish the time you have, it could all be gone tomorrow.