He's Back! Now What?

Air Force Guy has been back from deployment for about a week and a half now.  So, on one hand - YAY!  It's been great to have him back - that worry you scrunch down to the bottom of your stomach?  I feel strangely light now that it's gone.  That insomnia that was keeping me up until three or four in the morning?  I'm usually asleep by 11 at the latest now.  And - as all deployment veteran wives know, the *ahem* frustration level has dropped to nothing (although we still have months to make up for, and I do plan on making them up). 

Life is good.

On the other hand...

Climbing out of the Hole

Everyone's life has its ups and downs, and when you live in a military family, things tend to happen big:  You don't move houses, you move continents.  You make lifelong friends faster than some people make acquaintances.  Your spouse doesn't go on a business trip, she goes on a year deployment.  You get to see parts of the country and world that your friends from high school will never see.  Kids get sick all at once as soon as the ship pulls out.  And then there is that Murphy guy.

As some smart military spouse once said, "the highs are higher and the lows are lower."

As a whole, military families are a resilient bunch of folks.  Sometimes, however, it is all just too much.  As much as you want to "suck it up,"  there isn't enough space inside you.  I was reading a blurb at Facebook the other day where a group of military spouses was taking one of those "how much stress is in your life" tests.  The test facilitator was getting mad because he couldn't believe that the scores were so high and thought that they were not taking the test seriously.  I've taken such a test and according to the scores, I should have been paralyzed by all the stress.

Which brings us to the point of this rambling.

Of Pride and Pain

This evening, President Obama will talk about the end of combat operations in Iraq via a prime time address to the nation. A few days ago, as I watched footage of the Strykers leaving Iraq and crossing over into Kuwait, tears welled up in my eyes. Much blood, sweat and tears were spilled over the past several years in order to achieve this goal. In war, there are goals and when goals are achieved, those who fought hard and valiantly to achieve them are entitled to a feeling of accomplishment, and we are proud of their efforts. As you can see, many are heavily invested in the future of Iraq.

Many troops, such as Army Staff Sgt. Nicholas Burkeen, 27, of St. Louis, will keep a keen watch on what happens in the still-fractious country. Burkeen is on his third, and almost certainly last, deployment to Iraq.

“I’m always going to be looking at this place,” he said. “I’ve got 48 months’ deployment time here — it’s like a second home. That will be my best day, whenever I see … this country unify under one flag.”

The only military that troops of the Iraq generation know is one at war. Multiple deployments are the norm rather than a remote possibility, as it was after Vietnam. It has crept into the rhythms of their lives. Time with spouses and children has become a luxury in between tours.

As I listened to the interpretations of various pundits on the day the the last combat Brigade rolled out of Iraq, I knew what was about to ensue in my corner of the world, so I scoured several milspouse forums with predictable results.

I came across many comments by milspouses stressing that approximately 50,000 troops are still in Iraq and that their spouses were among them. I was merely reading words, but the emotion behind the words was palpable. These ladies wanted people to understand that Iraq, while standing, has wobbly knees, and that the men they loved were still in harm's way. Transitioning from Operation Iraqi Freedom to Operation New Dawn, while definitely worth celebrating, doesn't change the reality for many milspouses and their families. The sentiment of the collective commenters was a mixture of pride and pain.

And I understood it perfectly.

Compliment from my son (and he doesn't even know it :)

Yesterday I was checking my 10-year-old son's homework and he unknowingly paid me a compliment.  My rule with checking homework is that I will check it twice (at most) and after that it is my son's responsibility to make corrections.  I don't give him the answers, but I tell him which answers are incorrect and help him problem-solve to find the answer (if he asks).

While checking his homework yesterday, one of his friends stopped by to see if he could play.  My son left the front door wide open and he was talking to his friend through the screen door.  My son was more focused on hurrying through his homework so he could go outside, rather than listening to what I was telling him he needed to do (typical 10-year-old behavior).

After checking his homework twice, he went back to his friend and said he had to write a complete sentence on one final problem.  His friend said, "Well I just wrote..... but I didn't have to write a complete sentence."

My son replied, "Yeah.  Well you don't have MY mom checking your homework."  (THAT was a compliment for me!)

I have expectations of my children and maybe I am a stickler at times.  They don't usually like it (especially with homework), but I know in my heart that some day they will thank me.  SOME day...

Did You Know?

In-State Tuition for Active Duty and Families
MyCareerSkill Program
NBCC Military Scholarship
Are You Helping the Enemy?
Win Free Housekeeping
Cell Phones for Soldiers
Children and Immunizations
Navy Special Needs Family Liaisons

More Updates

DoDEA Virtual Schools

I became really excited for my children when I read an article title.  I do truly know better than to let a title get me excited before I understand the program details, but I got excited anyway.  I did the same thing back in the day when my MyCAA first came out.

Fingers Crossed For a Peaceful and Timely Death

When we got married, one of the first things I wanted to do was set up an aquarium.  I love having fish.  We got started and bought a few fish...and then realized we were PCSing to Germany in about six months.  Luckily, we didn't live too far from my parents, so when it came time to move, we transported the fish to their house and they lived out the rest of their lives there after we moved.

When we arrived at this duty station, I dragged out the aquarium again and set it up.  I bought five lovely black skirt tetras and a plecostomus and got started.

That was nearly four years ago.  None of the fish have died of old age.  In fact, the plecostomus has tripled in size and looks about ready to evolve legs and crawl out.

So now what?

I have loved having the fish tank, and it's even more fun now that our baby can watch the fish and try to grab at them through the glass.  But if these fish don't die of old age sometime in the next six months, I don't know what I'm going to do.  I am absolutely morally against flushing them, and they sure can't handle a 16-hour car ride back to my parents' house this time!

I find myself hoping for a timely demise.  The average lifespan for these fish is about 5 years, so I keep hoping mine were teenagers when I got them.  But I'm out of luck with the plecostomus; they can live up to 15 years!

I would love to start another aquarium when we move so that our daughter can enjoy the fish, but I hate to go through this all over again.  I still don't know what I'm going to do when it's time to move.  Ideas?  I would give all of them away for free if someone would just love them until they die.  How have you dealt with non-dog or cat pets when PCSing?

Please, God. Not That...

I read an article this morning which compelled me to write about something I've never really discussed with anyone. It's a tricky subject. I've wrestled with writing in detail about it for a couple of years but ultimately decided it was simply too hard to explain my raw feelings and inner turmoil. And quite honestly, I feared what others might think.

When my husband was deployed, I constantly thought about worst-case scenarios and how I would react to them if they were to become reality. I'm not ashamed of this, I think it's a perfectly reasonable response to the perfectly strange existence of a wife whose husband is a zillion miles away in a combat zone.

Touching the Third Rail

In political circles, it's often said that social security is the third rail. Touch it at your own peril. If there were a third rail with respect to military life, I'd venture to say it would be the issue of rank. Touch it at your own peril. Most of us never do. No good can come of it.

One of the most discussed stories so far this year was that of the Commander's wife who was accused of harassing soldiers and their spouses. One thing that made me cringe when reading various comment sections was the overt hostility towards the wives of officers. I learned over and over and over again that unacceptable, boorish behavior was standard operating procedure for these wives. They wear their husband's rank, they throw their weight around and they are, after all, notorious bullies. Rumor has it that Home Depot sold out of broad brushes in record time.

The logic here, if anyone cares to objectively examine it, is utterly foolish. Somehow, I missed the ritual that goes something like this: When issuing a military ID card, the issuing party must note the rank of the sponsor and in addition to issuing the ID card, they must also issue a personality which is a good fit for the service members rank. If that's not happening, do you think enlisted service members gravitate towards a certain type of woman and officers opt for another? Although, I must say, I do feel sorry for the wives of members who go green-to-gold. What are those wives to do? They must be so confused. Maybe they go back to the ID office and have another, opposite personality issued. A reprogramming, if you will. That must be it. 

Yesterday, I read a great article written by a milspouse which examined some of the recurring points made by various commenters regarding this story.  

Many individuals posted recommendations that senior spouses should be kept away from young spouses. Many used the excuse of bullies and crazies as their reason to stay away from all military events.

*****

1. Whack jobs are not the norm.

Maybe we should accept that some whack jobs will be with us always. In military life, we will have a certain number of bullies. Crazies. Despots. Dictators. The mentally ill. The terminally strange. The perpetually angry. We can't let ourselves get distracted by folks whose problems need the attentions of a three-star general. Instead, we need to focus on the norm - the young. The lonely. The overwhelmed. The perpetually busy. The remarkably resilient. What can we do for them?

Did You Know?

AAFES Fixes Credit Billing Errors
Flu Concerns When Traveling
GI Bill Reforms Gain Ground
House Hunting Tips
New Air Force Legal Assistance Website
New Army Housing Application Process
New Veteran Benefits Blog
Program Helps Military Voters

More Updates 

Oh, Yeah. I Forgot to Splurge....

Some kind soul gave me a gift certificate to a local spa recently, and I jumped for joy. I'm such a spa gal. I love being pampered. Part of the reason I love it so is that it's such a rare treat. Most of us rarely have the opportunity to spend a few hours at a spa being exfoliated, wrapped in seaweed or mud and receiving a delectable massage at the hands of a talented masseuse. It's like sipping fine wine from a bottle that costs $80. The anticipation is palpable and you savor every minute of it.

I try to do something out of the ordinary, to splurge at least once during a deployment. I realized that I didn't splurge at all during my husband's last deployment. Far from it....

I can't wait to book my spa appointment.

Do you splurge during a deployment or separation? If so, what's your pleasure? 

I have a book problem...

I am an avid reader and have read hundreds of books in my life.  I love to read all sorts of different books - mostly fiction, but a lot of non-fiction as well.  My two favorite authors are James Patterson and Janet Evanovich.  LOVE their books!  I also have a soft spot for John Grisham, Richard North Patterson, John Sanford, and a new one for me is Robin Cook.

I grew up reading Judy Blume and Nancy Drew.  My dad would read the Chronicles of Narnia to us at night before bed.  I have always had a love for books and I thank my parents for that.  But now I have a problem.

Around the Spouse-O-Sphere

A friend sent me the link to this one and I love it!  Sarah over at My Military Mommy says she's just "Paying it Forward to Military Moms Like Me".  You'll find great sales and coupons.  Go check it out!

Mrs. G.I. Joe over at ACU's, Stiletto Shoes, and Pretty Pink Tutus attended the BlogHer Conference in NYC and had several guest bloggers write posts in her absence.  Each post highlights a blogger from a different branch of service.  I found this first post especially interesting, but all seven of them were a great read.

Do you have something special that you hold onto or calms you down when your loved one is deployed?  MTM over at My Front Porch Looking In does.  Take a peek at her "D" Dog.

Finally, Claire over at You Served has some ideas on how to help a military spouse during deployment.  These are good suggestions and I found myself knowingly nodding my head while reading through them.

The Meaning of Sacrifice

My grandmother is 93 years old.  She's a remarkable lady - when I describe her as a pistol there is no exaggeration in the phrase whatsoever.  Recently my mother had to shoo my grandmother down off the roof where she was sweeping off leaves and detritus that Grandma had deemed a fire hazard.  And mentally?  My grandmother makes it a regular practice to be the terror of the local bridge club - regularly beating members thirty years younger than she. 

And I don't think my grandmother - although blessed with uncommon health - is an outlier for her generation.  She lived through The Great Depression and she lived through World War II.  She sent two sons off to fight in Vietnam, and she has seen her grandson and her grandson-in-law repeatedly deploy in the GWoT.  She has traveled to nearly every country represented in the United Nations, she still enjoys a cold beer several times a week, and she has had an ongoing mental love affair with John F. Kennedy since 1958.  I hope that someday I will be half the person and live half the life my grandmother has.

My grandmother traveled to see us last year, when we knew Air Force Guy would be deploying again, and while she was here she made the most amazing statement to me.  This woman who didn't see her husband for nearly three years while he was at war; who took over running their family farm, caring for elderly parents, and suffered through a very real lack of communication with her husband that I can't even begin to imagine.  This woman who saw those around her lose husbands and sons at an alarming rate and who once confessed to me that she used to do laundry several times a week because she felt that when she was hanging it on the line to dry she could "feel" her two sons in Vietnam, feel that they were still alive and still in one piece - she told me that she couldn't imagine how hard it must be to be a military wife today. 

I did not know how to respond to my grandmother's statement, and really I still don't. 

How many times have you moved?

Today I went to a store and when I went to make my purchase the cashier asked me if I had one of the store's "reward" cards.  I told her yes, but I had no idea where the card was located.  She asked for the phone number I used when I applied for the card... this can be a difficult question for a military spouse.  I told her I was military and had to think about where I applied for the card because we move a lot.  Then the conversation went like this:

Stockpiling

Whenever I walk by a greeting cards section, I usually peruse the romantic cards and the I-miss-you cards.  I have always stocked up on these to have on hand when my husband deploys so that I can regularly send him snail mail.  For years it's been a diehard habit for me, and deployments 1 and 2 were spaced out so much that I had a serious stockpile of mushy cards just waiting patiently for him to leave home.  So today when I was at the Dollar Tree, I grabbed a few cute cards...and then I realized that my husband isn't going anywhere for a while.  Right now he will finish out this non-deployable assignment in a staff job and then he will transfer to a new branch of the Army and start training in that job.  It may be quite a while before he deploys again.

Obviously this is fantastic news for our family.  But part of me is so used to the idea of his departure always on the horizon that I have a hard time digesting that he will be home for the foreseeable future.

At any rate, I still bought the cards.  They can stockpile up for some sort of inevitable departure down the road...'cause you know it's coming at some point!

Did You Know?

2010-2011 Yellow Ribbon Program
Flu Shots Mandatory in Europe
Navy Prepares for Flu Season
Eligibility for VA Home Loan
2010 disABLEDperson Scholarship
GI Bill Video Series

More Updates 

My Sailor Dad

 

Back in May, some of the SpouseBUZZ authors spoke at the MOAA symposium.  While there, Air Force Wife took the time to get a signed copy of My Sailor Dad for my two boys.  Because she is awesome like that.  At the time Seadaddy had just left for the first stop of his countrywide summer school adventure to gear up for his unaccompanied tour (that didn't happen).  It was another example of the perfectly timed gift Super Power that Guard Wife told us about.

I had already made a little laminated social story book with photos we took of Seadaddy leaving with his sea bags packed, coming home, running in PT gear, sleeping in his barracks bed, skyping on the computer, etc for my two year old to go through each day.  Which Little Man liked, but did not love.

My Sailor Dad has been a big hit! Little Man's favorite things in life right now are vehicles of all kinds, so the colorful illustrations of so many ships and a few helicopters and planes really brought out his high pitched excited voice.  I love hearing that voice! 

The story is a great mix of fun and message.  The author, Ross H. Mackenzie, is a Naval Officer himself and did a fantastic job putting the sense of duty and pride in terms our younger children can appreciate.  The concept of separation during a deployment is explained in a clear and helpful way.  I love the illustrations and think Marvin Jarboe did a fantastic job!   I also think it is great there are messages to decode using nautical flags.

The Final Sprint

Air Force Guy's current deployment is rapidly coming to a close - although it seems like the days are moving more slowly than my kids when I call bedtime, the time altogether seems to be hurtling  like a freight train towards homecoming day.

What this means to me, of course, is that the last two weeks have been filled with stress and upset about all the things that I didn't get done, the things I should have started, the fact that my house isn't clean enough, and my rear end isn't small enough.  In fact, I have christened the mad sprint I am going through right now (which centers around 9 boxing/kickboxing workouts a week and the most boring - albeit healthy - eating plan ever devised by a professional dietitian) "Operation Make My A** Smaller". 

This is far from our first deployment or homecoming.  I should know better by now, but it seems I never truly learn.  And it probably doesn't help that I have a competitive streak the size of a politician's ego - I made a goal for myself and I'm going to reach it, so help me, if it's the last thing I do.  The floor will be scrubbed, the beds will be made, my hair will be perfect, and I will fit into that next size down jeans or I will kick and punch and bob and weave until I fall over dead in the ring.  Then I won't need the jeans, so it all works out in my mind.

Battling the Bandwidth Blues

Once again, this PCS has brought up another good news - bad news type of situation.  The good news is that we have figured out a way to have internet at our house at a price we can afford.  The bad news is that we only get 300 MB a day, and then the price shoots up dramatically.  I am thankful that we can communicate with friends and family, and I can do my job.

I don't want to go over my allowance (but I would like to use nearly all of it every day), so I'm looking for suggestions from those of you who might have similar situations or just generally be smart about this stuff:  What tactics can I use to make sure that I use my allowance well?  Can I adjust settings on my computer to make sure that I'm not accidentally using extra kb when I don't mean to?

Surely I am not the only person in this situation, and I am hoping you can help.  Thanks in advance - I would be so lonely without the internet and y'all, my imaginary friends.

Around the Spouse-O-Sphere

It's been a few weeks since my last update!  My little sister got married back in our home state and then when we finally made it home we had appointments up the wazoo and back-to-school shopping to do. With the kids back in school, though, I should have more free time to peruse the many, many great mil-spouse blogs out there. 

For now, here's the latest and greatest; according to me and my friends (that help me out and send me links)! :)

The Mrs. over at Trying Our Best makes some good points.  Some civilians may get a glimpse into our life, but can they really feel what we're feeling?

Go visit Kimmie over at Never Apart In Heart and reassure her that it's all normal!

Mrs. S over at The Adventures of Mr. Superman and Mrs. S has a list of Ten Great Things About Being a Military Wife.  See if you can add something new to the list.

Finally, Melissa over at New Girl On Post poses a question to other [mil-spouse] bloggers.

We are Never, Ever Moving All This Stuff Again

Ah, the joys of PCS.  Today was the highly anticipated, and also highly dreaded, delivery of household goods.  First the good news:  almost no damage, and it all will fit in our house!  Let the rejoicing begin!

Before you get too excited, however, consider how much of this stuff came off the truck and my first thought was a sarcastic, "Great."  "What are we going to do with that?"  "Really, that came?"  "Didn't we get rid of that before we moved?"  and my most personally discouraging, "How many moving stickers are on that unopened box?"

The fact it, when taken as a whole, we have too much stuff.  I swear it is sucking the life out of me and preventing me from being all the great things I can be.  The problem enters when you stop looking at it as a whole and start looking at it as individual things.  Things that are useful, or loved, or bring back memories, or represent hope for the future.  Multiply all those values times six people and the result is a remarkable number of objects that have value to someone in my family.

I'm curious - do you find that you have a lot of stuff?  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  How do you help everyone keep the stuff that is really, truly important while shedding the things that aren't adding to your lives?

I've only got three years, folks, 'cuz it's not all going next time. 

Pizza and Other Details

"Ever since I got home from Afghanistan, I have had this total pizza fetish.  I want pizza constantly.  I used to crave pizza so bad while I was deployed," my husband said last night when a Papa John's commercial came on.

And I looked at him like he had just proposed to me...

Back in the sister 'hood!

I've spent the past 2 years in Civilian Land.  There's nothing wrong with that.  But there was no military base, no commissary, no Exchange, none of the support and services we're used to having available whether we use them or not.  But mostly, there were very few military spouses.  Of all the things I missed, the camaraderie and support that only another military spouse can offer was what I missed the most.

On, or Off?

I was talking last week with a friend who is torn between living on post, and living off post. Her husband really enjoys driving off post and leaving work behind him for the evening. She, too likes having a buffer zone between work and home life. But at the same time, she loves the security and safety of being on post because of the children. She also feels it's good for the kids, especially during a deployment, to be around peers who understand what her children are going through. 

From what I understand, housing privatization has also thrown a monkey wrench into the mix for some military families. And judging from the 102 comments you left when we first broached the subject, there are strong feelings about this subject.

Do you prefer being on or off post/base, and why? What factors tip the balance for you?

Did You Know?

AAFES Back to School 4 Less
DoDEA High School Goes Online
Marine Corps Social Media Guidelines
VA Yellow Ribbon Program
Move.mil Redesigns Website
Afterdeployment.org
Child Care Fee Policy Changes
AAFES Patriotic Pet Contest

More Updates 

Hard Decisions and Change

A recent article in Stars and Stripes has a lot of people talking, and talking about a subject a subject sure to result in raised voices and anger in almost every conversation - the sustainability of military retirement benefits.

Namely, as described by the 25 member Defense Business Board, that military retirement benefits are too expensive and the system needs to be changed.  Several possibilities were put forth, including raising length of time in service before retirement benefits kick in and lowering benefit amount.  And the reasons behind what the Defense Business Board recommended were undeniable:  the United States budget needs to find cuts somewhere. 

Now, I'm not privy to all the internal conversations.  I don't know the members of the Defense Business Board personally, we don't do lunch.  I've only met the Secretary of Defense once, and I didn't really meet him then, I just got my picture taken with him (his hair is much better than mine).  I doubt he'd take my calls, if you know what I mean, because in the grand scheme of things and as awesome as my kids tell me I am, the Secretary of Defense has far more important things to do.  I can't cast aspersions on anyone's motivations or background, and I realize the difficult position the budget has put people into.

But I'd appreciate a bit of a reality check here.

Semper Bellus

One of my very favorite things about being a part of the military family is the way humor comes into play in most situations.  Gallows humor?  We all got it.  And while inter-service rivalry is definitely there, even in the spouse world, a well placed joke about it will bring everyone together rather than creating hard feelings.   Yeah, sure, my Army brother likes to tease Air Force family about the amenities available to airmen worldwide while emphasizing how hard core Army life is.  But all we have to do is mention that we have more cable channels and the contest is over.

So, of course, this is the first thing that entered my mind when I read that the Air Force is looking for a motto and taking suggestions.  It's a serious question - it really is.  I know that.  But I couldn't help going for the funny first.  Like, for instance, the title of this post "Semper Bellus".  I think "Always Pretty" describes us pretty well. 

I'm also partial to, "Our Toys are Shiny."

But I'm an equal opportunity sarcastic motto creator, here.  Like, when I think about a new motto for the Army, I think that the Green Machine penchant for howitzers and the like totally warrants the motto, "We like the cars, the cars that go boom."

What are your motto ideas? 

Break it to me Gently

We have had a long deployment break, in fact I am sure it is longer than the rest of my Spousebuzz cohorts. I won't even mention it out of fear of the stones that could be thrown.  We at Spousebuzz have posted about the guilt regarding long breaks in deployments  as well.  When your job as a family is "to serve" and everyone else is serving, at some point and time you feel as if you are not pulling your weight. 

When we went through our last move, we missed 2 National Guard deployment cycles by luck, and not choice, and DH was very disappointed.  I was actually relieved, and felt guilty about it. 

Recently my husband had to attend a ceremony, and it was mandatory that the entire family go.  That week was a difficult one, as my Father had been in  and out of the hospital with multiple health problems including kidney failure, a brand new diagnosis of diabetes, and a very large blood clot in his lower leg.  It was a long week, and I was spent.....it was also the week I turned 40.  My Husband said "there was no good time to tell me the news".

Five minutes before leaving the house for the event, my husband pulls me aside while I am finishing off the final touches of lipstick to say..."you should probably know, I will be deploying in a year."  I know now he was thwarting some possible disaster of me finding out in a public forum, because I may have punched someone.  For some reason, I became angry at my husband immediately.  I did not yell, or stomp feet, but I was mad at him.  I am still unsure why completely.  But I contend that it was because he volunteered without asking my input, even though if he would have asked I would have said "yes".  So frankly, I am unsure why I felt it so necessary to stew in my own juices. 

Looking back on our deployment history though, I have never received the news well.  

Building a Forever Home

We've lived in so many homes throughout the years. Each more different than the one before. Whether we were renting or bought a home, we've always lived in homes and apartments where someone else had designed the home. I used to joke to my husband that house-hopping has given me a great foundation for putting our "forever" home together. I imagined our forever home would be one which we constructed from the ground up. One where we would make all the color, flooring, fixture, layout choices. Looks like it's not going to work out that way, but that's another story for another day...

Living in so many places has taught me what I want, and what I don't want. For instance, I know I don't want white tiled bathrooms with white grout. Yes, they look fresh and crisp, at least for a while, but eventually the grout turns grungy and though I've tried every grout cleaner on the market, I just can't get the grout back to its once-gleaming condition. I also don't want black granite. Oh, it looks beautiful and smells of class, but I noted that the dust is more visible on the dark granite than with the lighter shades. I don't want to dust my granite every single day. And I don't want to look at dust either. Oh, it can be there, I just don't want it staring me in the face, taunting me. 

Another no-go is poor placement of the laundry room.