"what if" we are normal?

We have talked about the "what if" scenario here at SpouseBuzz, and at our SpouzeBuzz Live events. 

Your Husband/Wife/Son/Daughter, prepares for war, and we prepare ourselves. 

There is a will, POA, arranging guardianship for your children "just in case" something happens to both of you. 

Then, your Husband/Wife/Son/Daughter leaves for war...

Every household probably handles this all a little differently.  We never discussed the possibility of "death" ad naseum.  We awknowledged it, and went on.

And then they are gone, the house is empty, the television news comes on.

We hear of casualties, we hear of stories of bravery.

But, in the recesses of our brains.  We try and prepare ourself for the possible loss of life. 

"What If"

What do I tell my children?

What will I do, if that doorbell rings, and it is them?

Will I have to call DH's family?

Where will I go?

How do I manage a military funeral?

Will I be able to function?

What will I tell these children? (AGAIN)

I do no want a different life, I like my life....and it will be gone.

If you are like me, well I kept all of this to myself, I certainly did not want people thinking I was morbid.  What sort of sick person plans for the death of her husband?

Me, thats who....

And I NEVER discussed it.  NEVER. In a town, where I was surrounded by civilians, no WAY. And at times the thoughts were almost paralyzing.  Like the moment I heard the news that a mortar had struck my DH's camp, and casualties were being reported...

I left the house that day, all day, with 2 screaming kids.  I thought if I wasn't at home, the folks in the sedan that ring the doorbell, would go away.  My absence could alter events.  (I know better, but left anyway) 

And then I read SpouseBuzz Book Club Book While They are at War
.

Wow, there is a name for this "anticipatory grief"

anticipatory grief is defined as:

Definition:  Anticipatory grief involves the feelings, thoughts and physical sensations that happen when you know someone is going to die or fear that someone may die.  These feelings happen when a loved one is terminally ill or nearing the end of natural life.  They also happen sometimes when a loved one is in danger, such as in a war or other life-threatening situation.  These feelings can also be related to the fear of another loss after the death of a loved one, even if the loss is not likely to happen.

You may exhibit one of the following symptoms:

turns out that anticipatory grief is common among homefront families during a wartime deployment. We're so afraid of losing the one we love that our bodies start to react as if they're already dead. The symptoms include: -- tightness in the throat or chest -- shortness of breath -- sensitivity to loud noises -- forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating -- agitation and restlessness, like an anxiety attack -- extreme hunger or lack of appetite -- crying jags -- headaches -- insomnia -- drug use or excessive drinking

Grief is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a normal human emotion, and grieving people typically move through five phases: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance and hope. Not everyone experiences all these phases, and they may not occur in that order. But any of those responses are normal, even if the one you love is alive and kicking.

Well after reading Kristins book, While They Are At War, it opened a dialogue between several milspouses I know, and I swear you could hear a collective sigh of relief. 

It has a name, it is normal, I am not morbid.

I am normal....

Always good to hear. 

If you are noticing any of these symptoms of anticipatory grief, that are not managable, I would encourage you to talk to your Chplain, or OneSource, ASAP! 

One Source #1- 800.342.9647. 

Comments

[airforcewife]

I absolutely do this, too. When I had my "I know this is it," moment, I made a friend come over and answer the door for me all day (even though I didn't really tell her why).

I'm really looking forward to this show.

[Marine Wife]

It hasn't really been an issue this time around. But it was in early 2003 when I didn't know where Hubs was or how he was. I remember telling a girlfriend about the thoughts keeping me up at night and about the times I cried myself to sleep. She said not to "think like that. Don't do that to yourself." But the thoughts came anyway. On the one hand, it sounds terribly morbid, but it also helped me feel as though I would be prepared if the the worst happened. I would know what to do, because I'd rehearsed it all in my head.

[phyllis]

I try to limit those thoughts to 20 minites only. Figure out the worst thing. Then I try to move on. If I know what to do maby it won't happen.

[HomefrontSix]

Been there, done that. Got the T-shirt. I almost burst into TEARS when Sarah was recounting her post at the MilBlog conference.

The one thing I've learned through this deployment and watching a friend lose her husband is that you're never truly prepared for it. Ever. No matter how many scenarios you run through in your head. No matter how many TIMES you run through it in your head. You're never truly prepared.

However, that does not stop me from doing so. Not so much now as I did in the beginning of this deployment. But I still run through "What would I do?", "Where will we go?", "How will I cope?", etc. in my mind on a pretty regular basis. It's a self-preservation tactic. Luck favors the prepared and all...

[Marine Wife]

I agree that you could never be prepared for that. I guess what I meant was that I hoped I'd have some idea of what my steps needed to be. Sort of like muscle memory, where you go into auto-pilot in a sense. Of course, over-riding everything is the hope that after torturing ourselves with these "what if's" we never actually have to experience them. Knock on wood, etc, etc.

[NavyChiefSqueeze]

Oh my...I was beginning to think I was crazy for wanting to be prepared and thinking about these things. Thank you for sharing this info!

[liberal army wife]

yeah. that talk with myself that I had - what do I do if... that was a way for me to do what I do best, make a list of who/what/how/where. and for some reason that helped me. Because if it happened, I wouldn't have to think. It would be there, a template, a guide. I threw it away when he called from Maine when they arrived. When he deploys again, we'll be somewhere different, and I'll do it again.

LAW

[Kel]

I was actually just doing the "Final Thoughts Worksheets". I called my mother to get the address of teh cemetery and hte funeral home we plan on using. She told me I was acting crazy and I should not think of things liek this. But I calmly told her.. would you rather me runnign around doing this if I am overcome with grief from losing Sean and having 5 kids to tell that too. Or have it done now so, we can be together as a family in that hard time.. It was like a dawn of comprehension for her and she said.. do it now I will help.

Love i a great thign but also a very hard thing.

[Jess]

So glad I am not alone. Two weeks ago my husband calls me in the morning to tell me that his unit will be deploying that night. I had less than twelve hours to prepare myself.

Luckily, or not, he had just returned from deployment so we still have the will and, POA, and everything else in place. Always I have had at least a few months to prepare.

This time, less than twelve hours. So here I am playing the what if game with myself.

WHAT DO I DO IF HE'S GONE?

I didn't even get to see him before he left because he is stationed in a different city from where the kids and I live. Some days I feel like I am going to go crazy working through everything I would have to do if he never comes home.

What do I tell the kids? What do I do with the house? Where would I live? Does his command even know how to get a hold of me?

One day at a time.

[aggie_mle]

When my DH deployed it was the month before our 1st wedding anniversary. I was new to military life, and this was my first deployment.

After he left, I came home and cried. Then I put all his clothes away in his closet and shut the doors. In my mind the easiest way to deal with it was "out of sight, out of mind". It was kind of like he was already dead.. already gone.

After a few days, when he was settled and I was able to talk to him.. it got easier. I realized that he was doing well, and that he was going to be fine.

As the months went on.. I grew stronger within myself. I was able to be more at peace with him being deployed. But I never once opened his closet doors until he came home safe and sound.

We are now celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary and are stronger in our marriage because of the deployment.

[l s jones]

I am awtm's mil, and I cannot begin to tell each of you how grateful i am to each of you and your loved ones. I had 2 sons deployed at the same time, two immediate family members, 4 grandchildren, my little girl Rachelle, my mom, sisters, brothers dear friends, coworkers, and then me.....all with this horrible, draining, frightening fear stuck in our hearts and I was the one to relay any information of my sons to each of them....sometimes several times a day......then there was no news from my sons, then it seems like that fear alleviated to extremes...just hearing their voices, seeing an e-mail lifted my spirits so much....i could get on with the daily duties of life.
My "Little Girl" Rachelle, was so far away and with 2 tiny babies...I had left my home in NE, and my dear Mom,all of of my friends, and was living in NC where my youngest son lived, to help with his twin daughters and manages his affairs. If it were not for Rachelle I would have totally gone insane....and that is a fact.
I cannot think of anything more hard to deal with in this life than this horrible, horrible type of grief....So to each of you Military spouses...I say you are the back bone of this country and that the rest of the country should be on its' knees to honor you from the President on down ....God Bless each of you and your children and your spouses....and thanks for reading this....AWTM'S MIL

[kristy]

the book by kristin Henderson is awesome. it helped me alot it is one of the best books i have read. i never thought a book would mean as much as this book has

[Armywifeof21yrs]

Yes, I think we all think about the "What if", thinkig that we would be able to handle it, but reality is, NO. If the 'What if" did happened you still would not be able to remember the things you wrote down for that time. First, your in shock and disbelief. Second, your confused at what the Chaplin and solider is telling you. Then, you have a CEO that is only there to fill out papers, and does not want to explain anything. I was asked wood or metal. I did not know what he was talking about. Well, he was asking me about his casket. Now, I am still trying to figure out and understand what happened and the CEO is telling me about his pay is stopping, my health care is only covered for 3 yrs and dental for 1 yr. Well, I guess I will still have medical and dental if I can afford it on the little VA & SPB money that they say I am entitled to get when Tricare switches me over to retirement status. Personally, I do not think any surviving spouse, especially as long as he served, should ever have to worry about paying for medical or dental. He is no longer alive to support me. My husband died in Afghanistan in 2007 after 23 yrs of service. My way of life changed. The power of attorneys we as spouses get from our husbands are no longer valid from the moment he dies. I have had to get a job try to keep what we had, and in order to survive. But a part time job with no benefits still does not do much as far as income and he is gone forever. Then you have the ppl in the office, or even ppl that you thought were your friends come to resent you because they think you have money. I look at them like, are you crazy, I don't want any of it, I want him back and my life the way it was before he died. I didn't ask for it, in fact, I was pretty sure he would be home because he always, and I always believed his words and what he told me. He was my best friend that I loved, he was the one that was supposed to take care of me when the "When" I have to be in a wheel chair. I have plenty more to write if anyone is interested. All the medals or money is not worth him being gone. Honoring my fallen solider. Love you baby!