A Frank Conversation About the Unthinkable

A couple of weeks ago, AWTM and I interviewed Kristin Henderson on SpouseBUZZ Talk Radio. We devoted the entire program to "anticipatory grief." That's a term that simply means that you grieve as if something bad has already happened, even though it hasn't. In my case, I was busy planning a funeral for someone who hadn't yet died. In AWTM's case, she was constantly going through the various "what if" scenarios. Unfortunately, the audio archive of that show is lost somewhere in cyberspace (groan). It was a great conversation.

Two weeks ago, we talked about what could happen. Tomorrow evening, we're going to talk about what did happen. Specifically what happened when two ladies had their lives turned upside down in the blink of an eye. One wife. One girlfriend. One unthinkable scenario - losing a loved one in the line of duty.

Shelly Hall's husband, 2nd LT Kelly Hall, was killed in a training flight. He left behind a wife and five children. Shelly has turned her grief into a force for good, working to help other military families cope with losing a mom or dad in the line of duty. Currently, Shelly is a mentor for TAPS. Her work is incredibly important to those she mentors and her horrifying experience has helped change the policies on how the Army deals with widows, something that sorely needed to be changed. AWTM and I have had the pleasure of meeting Shelly and let me tell you, she is a force of nature.

Shelly Hall

Melissa Sewell was due to marry SGT James Holtom this fall. Unfortunately, James was killed in Iraq on February 8, 2007. Melissa's blog can be found here. I know from the email that we receive, and from the comment section, that we have plenty of girlfriends who read SpouseBUZZ. When the love of your life is deployed, it matters little whether you are married or engaged or dating. What matters is that someone you love is in harm's way. This is why we wanted to have both a wife and a girlfriend on this show.

Join me and AWTM tomorrow evening at 9:00 p.m. EDT on SpouseBUZZ Talk Radio as we talk to Shelly and Melissa about losing their soldiers. On Friday morning, I'll follow this interview up with an interview featuring an official spokesperson for the Army's Long Term Family Case Management Team. We'll discuss the resources that are available to Army families who experience this sort of tragedy. That show will be closed to incoming calls, but you will still be able to listen live at 10:00 a.m. Friday morning by clicking here.

As always, we welcome your phone calls during our program. If you have a question or comment for Shelly and Melissa, you can call 646.478.5665. If you want to chat with us during the show on Yahoo IM, our Yahoo name is spousebuzz. Furthermore, if you can't listen live, feel free to leave a question or comment in the comment section here and we'll try to make sure it's asked during the show.

Update: Audio archive for this program can be found here and a follow-up post can be found here. The show with LTC Nora Linderman of the Army's Long Term Family Case Management Team can be found here.

As a reminder, if you miss any of our live shows, you can always play or download the archived version.

In less than two months, we've talked to normal everyday milspouses (my favorite show), a filmmaker, a rock star, two authors and an actress. I'll also tell you that we have some fantastic shows in the making. We're having a blast with the radio program and we hope you're enjoying it too. Previous shows can be found below:   

• Ever wonder just who these SpouseBUZZ authors are and what they sound like? Click here to listen to a hysterically funny "Meet and Greet" with the SpouseBUZZ authors. A very, very entertaining hour.
• Many of you are raising military brats and have been military brats. Click here to listen to an engaging and fascinating hour with Donna Musil, the filmmaker behind the film, BRATS: Our Journey Home.
• Reintegration. I've said it many times, and I'll say it many more, this is one of THE most difficult issues facing military families today. Click here to listen to AWTM and Guard Wife talk about reintegration.
• Military spouses and rock stars. An unlikely pairing? Not really. Our interview with Ryan McCombs of the rock band Drowning Pool about their advocacy for the mental health needs of our troops was our highest rated show thus-far. Click here to listen to Ryan pay tribute to you and your spouses for their service to our country.
• We were excited to be joined by Wendy Davis, who plays LTC Joan Burton on the Lifetime hit television series, Army Wives. Our interview with Wendy knocked Drowning Pool out of the top spot for most listeners. Click here to listen to an engaging hour with Wendy Davis.
• Must be a BIG change to go from active-duty to "dependent." Click here to listen to airforcewife talk with someone about making that transition a smooth one.
• Last week, airforcewife interviewed the very popular author, Brad Thor. An amazing hour.

Comments

[Linda]

There are so many tragedies out there that we don't want to think about. The Ft. Campbell fire which took the lives of 2 children came to the minds of all of us here at Ft. Riley; on Monday evening, there was a fire in housing, and a 9 year old girl lost her life. There were three other children aged 6, 5, and 16 months, and the mother. Dad is deployed. How do you plan for the unexpected like the death of a child or a spouse...I don't want to think about it, but I know I should.

[AFWife_Niki]

Are the shows airing at central time or eastern time? I never had the chance to listen to a show live, only archived.

[Andi]

Niki - They are Eastern time.

[Shelly Hall]

Before Kelly died, there were little blessings in place that I feel thankful for...like little "I love you's" and letters he left me. But in a tragic death, one is never prepared. It changes your life forever. Your old self dies and you must learn to live again. How you do that depends on many things (attitude, faith, support system, health, etc). So much is about your support system. My lifesaver was TAPS...so finally get the answers I needed from widows who had gone through it before me....and were making it!!! I found the hope the helped me. Please tune in tomorrow evening and hear more about TAPS..it is a fantastic place for healing!

[widow of a soldier]

I think one person who is often forgotten is the widow of a military person who did not die while on deployment. My husband died while TDY getting ready for his deployment and I have found that leaves me and my son out of many things and we are always overlooked by the military. My life was turned upside-down just as much as any other widows and people often forget that.

[Andi]

Widow of a Soldier - Actually, Shelly Hall's husband wasn't killed while deployed, he was training. Please tune in tomorrow evening to hear her story, I am sure she can be of some comfort to you. I'm very sorry about your loss.

[Semper Fi Wife]

I have wanted to comment on this post but held back a little. I think most of us have that little bit of hesitation when we're talking about losing our spouse or to and/or about those that have.
Are we going to say the wrong thing and hurt that person?
I know things like that worry at me a little on this topic.

Shelly, you have my utmost respect for getting through the hardest thing ever thrown at a military spouse.
I have some friends who happen to be Gold Star family members and I am always in awe of their grace and their strength.

Widow of a Soldier, I'm sorry to hear that you have felt left out and overlooked.
I hope the interview tommorrow helps and that you reach out so that others can reach out right back. I hope that you get to a point where you feel supported because you should feel that way.

[kristy]

i have the biggest fear of looseing my husband while he is over seas. i dont know how you all who have been through that without looseing your minds. you all are truly brave. and it breaks my heart for you just to think what you all are going through. it kills me to think how i would deal without my other half how i would raise our baby which is now 5 months old.i know it was my husbands decision to join the army but i drove him to drop off his bags and to line up for formation the day he left and i wish that i had not done that now because the only thing that kept going through my mind was i am takeing my husband to die... i hope that doesnt hurt anyone i dont mean anything by tat that was just whatt i kept thinking.i know that is not true but in a way i will feel responsible if something happens to him over in iraq.i am so sorry for your loss i cant imagine or even start to understand how you feel. you all are in my prayers and you truly are brave.

[phyllis]

Alway remember he would have left weither you dropped him off or not. You at least got to see your warrior off. This way he knows you support him and you will be waiting for him.

[wendy]

Wow! It has a name! Anticipatory Grief! I'm not going crazy....yet...

[kristy]

i really never looked at it that way in that by being there he knew i supported him.

[kristy]

the longer my husband is away the more i see this is not just a fear in the back of my mind. and it scares me so bad. my husband is on an 8-9 day mission. he is part of a transpertation unit out of oklahoma. they are allowed to have cell phones now so he called today was his 4th day on the mission and we were talking and i try not to let him know im sad, but today when i talked to him he said he always listens to this one song before they go back out and its where a man dies and two state troopers tell his mom he has died... then he goes on to say one day three men in dress greens are going to come to your door and tell you im dead... and then he had to go. i LOST it... i just broke down. do they think this is a funy way to confort you cuz he just laughed about it like it was a joke. how should i respond to that it really broke my heart but maybe he was trying to blow it off because they drove through some road side bombs today and he got stopped under oneand thank God none of them went off. but it really wasnt funny. has anyone elses husband told this horrid joke and how do i respond to that???? anyone have any suggestions?

[Becky]

Kristie - I am so sorry that you had to hear it but I can understand that it was his way of trying to face death and prepare you for it. It was insensitive and maybe he is not able to put himself in your shoes, but I don't think he was trying to be unkind. My husband has been deployed for 7 months but I have an unusual position that we are civilian military. He is an engineer with the Army Corps of Engingeers but a civilian. I get no support from the military end and it is only faith that is keeping me from insanity. (I am so glad that anticipatory greif is real and not just me being crazy)I also rely on the fact that no matter what happens to my husband I will see him again and he will be with our Lord. You may need to talk to a chaplin to get some peace in your life - use the resources the military offers you - I wish I had the support.

[Lori]

My name is Lori and I understand everything they are saying. My husband has already been deployed twice and now even though he was due to retire in May 08 (which that is not happening now) will be leaving for his third time in Dec. What saddens me even more now is the fact that my oldest son who joined the army last year while his father was still deployed is leaving in Oct. for Iraq as well. Am I scared? More than our other 3 children (son 17, and two daughter's 14, and 8) will every know. I was at my mothers the summer of our (yes our for we go though a lot back here) first deployment. I was doing ok until I saw a missile hit a HET truck while I was watching the news. For those that don't know it is bigger than the 18 Wheeler's you see on the road. These trucks are the biggest in the world and are used to haul tanks and trucks that are can not be driven and the cab of the truck is big enough to hold the crew of a tank. I know that some are asking how I knew it was his truck? I knew because I saw the number on the truck, the same truck he has been driving for months before he left Fort Hood. As you can guess my heart froze, I lost my breath and I was in shock but yet could not turn my eyes away from the screen. I did not realize that at the moment I went into anticipatory grief. I walk out to the back yard where my mom and at the time all 4 of my children also were. My mom took one look at me and told the kids to go rest inside for a bit. How my mom was able to hold me and give me the strength I needed I don't know. Later that night I got a phone call from my husband telling me that he was not in his truck at the time because he was having a tooth pulled. Although I was relieved about that I saw how quick we can go into anticipatory grief and how long it takes to get out of it. I am happy to say that unlike most of the units every soldier that went on that deployment in our company came back. My husband was in a different company the last time he went and again all came home. I hope and pray every day even now that the same will happen for him and now for our son. I trust in our Lord and if he does get there before me that will be ok for we have been together for 23 years and at that time we will be together for all time to come.

[kristy]

i know i should use the support that is offered but im afraid that if i talk to people that they will treat me different or start to feel sorry for me and i dont want that i really try not to talk about it except for on here because everyone is going through the same or have gone through the same. im grateful for the advice but i dont know how to open up but i definately need to do something i am an emotional wreck some days and others im so hateful my family cant stand me until i hear from my husband and know that he is ok. but the nearest base from me is now about 4 hours away so im pretty much out of the military loop for now.so i dont know what to do or how to deal with this it is the scariest thing i have ever been throuhg and i cant protect him all i can do is pray other than that i am lost.