I'll Take "Wasted Time" For $200, Please

I feel like I've lived the past two years with the Jeopardy song in my head.  Hurry up; time is tight...

Two years ago, I was already stressed out about fitting a baby in before deployment.  Commenters told me that this is just a fact of military life and that I have to get used to the idea of my husband missing out on the birth or other milestones.  They said just to go for it and that life would take care of itself.

Three miscarriages, two fertility treatments, and an awful revelation about my genetic code later...well, we still don't have a baby.  And the Jeopardy song is still playing.

Two years ago, I was worried that my husband might miss out on the birth.  Forget that now, that's such an easy worry.  We have much bigger fish to fry.

I learned last week that I have a balanced translocation of chromosomes.  It's a fairly rare genetic scramble that happened to me when I was conceived that has had no bearing on my health or life.  Until now.  Translocation can prevent you from carrying a baby and can cause horrible birth defects if you do manage to sustain a pregnancy.

It's an enormous monkey wrench in our life plans.

I can't help but feel like we've wasted the past two years of our life.  I was genetically predetermined at birth to not be able to create a healthy baby.  All this work to try to get pregnant or to work a pregnancy in between deployments was for nothing.  And now that I am aware that our having a baby will be a serious undertaking, we have to make a decision as to whether we want to undertake it.

And fast, because my husband deploys in three months.

A week ago, our doctor referred us to a geneticist.  I am still waiting for the referral to make its way through Tricare so I can call and try to get an appointment sometime within the next month.  But hopefully not during the week my husband is gone for training.  And hopefully on a day when he isn't at the 50-cal range or doing fast roping lessons or all the other pre-deployment things that he really can't get out of.  And then hopefully the geneticist will set us up for the special IVF treatments we're going to need.  But hopefully not during that week when my husband has training in June.  Or during block leave.  Or...oh wait, then he's gone.

Fertility problems feels like a great big waste of time regardless of your situation.  You spend month after month watching the calendar pages turn with no baby in sight.  Then add in the special military twist, the fact that your husband -- who's fairly necessary for the process -- is constantly coming and going and not always available on the precise days when you need him for the process, and you turn into a basketcase.  Then add in huge chunks of time -- chunks longer than the actual gestation time for a baby -- when he's in a war zone on the other side of the planet, and you're in full-on Crazytown.

We have a lot to think about and try to organize in the coming few months before my husband leaves.  And if we're successful in this whole rigmarole, then he likely won't even be home for any of the pregnancy or the birth either.  But I've come to terms with that completely.  I just need him for the conception part; the rest is just icing.

And heck, the route we're taking, he doesn't even need to physically be here for any of it, not even the conception...

Comments

[Apryl]

Check into storing his junk...alot of time clinics will offer it at a reduced rate for military service members. That's one option we looked at when deployment #1 was looming for us and we'd been through 3+ years of unexplained IF. I think the rate that we were quoted was like $500 for 3 months for storage of the junk. Look into it can't hurt right?

[Sarah]

Apryl -- We had stored "junk" (funny term, by the way) all last year because I did IUIs while he was deployed. We're familiar with junk storage :) And that's definitely the route we're going to have to go...I'm just afraid that at this slow pace with Tricare, that we might not even get to the stage where he provides the junk before he leaves!

[HomefrontSix]

I'm having flashbacks to 'Brave New World'.

[Apryl]

Thought about going outside of the post for "junk storing"? (you're right that is a funny term but I thought it fit lol).

My DH is AGR and our base is Luke AFB and we live outside of the range for the base so we (the boys and I) get medical support from the local community including my fertility assistance.

Wonder if you could call around (if there's anything else around) and see what other facilities provide that um...support. LOL

I've heard good things about blocks of dry ice and the freezer....(just joshing).

[MLH]

So you still want a baby even though he or she may suffer, "horrible birth defects"?

[Sarah]

MLH -- I didn't go into details for this post because it seemed outside the point, but no...we are not trying to have a baby born with birth defects. The reason we are going to see a geneticist and we'll go through the "special IVF treatments" I mentioned in the post is to try to AVOID having birth defects. That's the part that makes this whole process more complicated.

[Sara]

I have high hopes for you both. It just seems so unfair that people who have wanted a baby for so long and will clearly be such good loving parents should suffer and struggle like you both have. I always want to say the right thing.

My dad and I were talking about our plans last night and he is basically saying the same thing you are in this post. About waiting and planning and trying. HIs advice was to stop trying to plan so much and age is about the only thing that matters especially because of the military. There will always be a school, training, FTX, deployment etc that we want to schedule around. Now I feel kinda silly.

[Sarah]

Sara -- I would never encourage anyone NOT to plan for a baby. It's such an important step in life, and it does indeed require foresight. I would just say that plans don't always come to fruition :) But yes, there will always be something in the military that takes your husband away from home...

[Erin]

Sarah, I think what the other Sara meant is to leave it be and just enjoy baby-making, knowing that stress can be a huge barrier to conception. I know you and your husband are beyond that point to where you're actively planning and undergoing treatment, but I'm still where Sara's at. We've been "trying" (and I say that in quotations because you know how the Army loves to screw with you) for over a year now, but we're always separated during those key days. I have no idea when we'll even have a good shot at this, but in the meantime I'm trying to get all of my other ducks in a row.

Good luck to you two in this short time period together!

[Janie Phillips]

I just started reading this blog, and have loved it so far. Thank you for the realistic view on military life.

I also wanted to thank you for this specific post. My husband and I just had our first baby last fall, and are in the process of thinking through when we want to have the next one. The hitch is that we're PCS'ing at the beginning of next year, and though we're up for shore duty, a sea tour might possibly be best for his career.

He loves the sea, and though he would hate to leave us, I know that he would be happiest in his career on a ship. I've just had a really hard time getting used to the idea. I've yet to go through a sea tour, and I hate the idea of him possibly being gone for the birth of our second child.

But this post put everything in perspective for me. I realize that we were unbelievably blessed not to have IF issues, and that while I may have to have a child on my own, there are many more women who have so much more to think about. Women have done it before, and I will survive if that turns out to be the case.

I am sorry you are having problems, and I hope that you get some answers soon. My heart goes out to you and anyone else dealing with IF. Thank you for this post!