Family Planning

My husband and I are trying to have our first baby.  Actually, we're in that nervewracking time in between "trying" and waiting to see if it actually worked.  I know every woman in the history of time who's ever tried to have a baby probably thought that this was a fretful and jittery time, but our jitters are magnified by circumstance: we need this to happen now because the husband's only non-deployable for one year.  If it doesn't work and we have to wait until next month, or the next month, we'll be down to the wire.

Those of you who have started families in the last five or six years -- or opted not to, as the case may be -- how has The State Of The World affected your family planning?

UPDATE:

Apparently I made a poor word choice. I said "The State of the World" when I probably should've used the more direct but less artistic "pace of deployments."  I didn't mean that Iran getting closer to having nukes is a reason not to bring a child into the world, but I think that's what came across.

I understand that in the military these days things won't always work out perfectly.  But if it's my "right" to have a baby, isn't it my husband's right to get to have the baby too? I'm not upset that the mean ol' Bush administration might make him be gone or anything like that; I'm upset because he might miss out on the most important event of his life. I'm sad for him because I want us to do this together, not because I'm not strong enough to have a baby alone, but because it's our baby.  I think he deserves to be there too, but it's hard to work in his presence.

I guess I wasn't clear enough in my post, but this is the question I was getting at.  Most of you seem to have answered that you've gone ahead with family planning and tried to ignore the fact that deployments might get in the way.  That's good, and very brave.  But I struggle very much with this issue, moreso than other SpouseBUZZers, apparently. 

Comments

[nessluvsjess05]

Ohh...the state of the world made me a little careless...spending my first night with hubby after months and months apart. He got home from his 1st Iraq deployment on Nov. 8th...and we got PREGNANT Nov. 8th. Yes I have a homecoming baby growing inside me and kicking me in the bladder as I type this.

[ILoveMySoldier]

My Hubby and I are waiting to start our family until he gets back from his deployment that starts next month. Now the question is do we have a homecoming baby or do we wait until we get reaquainted and risk him getting deployed again before the baby is born?

[Linda]

I haven't relied on the state of the world in order to plan my family. We tried for a year before I got pregnant, then I miscarried...got pregnant again 2 months later, and had my daughter just 9 months before 9/11.

I didn't let the state of the world affect my having a second child either. I can only say that if you wait for the world to get better, or to afford it, or for whatever reasons you wait, you may miss your chance. Enjoy it while you can, and live your life as you can in the world as it is.

[Breana]

Well, my husband is deployed and our baby will be born before he gets home. He'll be coming home to a 2+month old son. Babies come on their time.

[dual military wife]

Well with the first one, we didn't know that I was pregnant until after i took the anthrax shot. We had just gotten married a few months before and with the pending deployment I didn't even think that i was pregnant until of course I found out two days after the shot.

The second time was a different story. I am already non-deployable (more of a curse than a blessing) so i figured that since i couldn't go then it was a good time to have another. I now have two daughters, one 3 and one 8 months old. (A little history, my husband was deployed for 6 months of my first pregnancy, and then he got out for two years and was here for my second daughter's birth, he is now deployed.)

I haven't let the state of the world or my chain of command decide when i should or should not have kids. It's a woman's choice, so you should do whatever feels right. Those are my thoughts anyway. :)

[HomefrontSix]

Princess Trouble was born 5 days after 9/11 and was an incredible blessing during such a horrible time. We decided right then and there not to ever let world events or even the Army (well, within reason...can't really make a baby the old-fashioned way if he's not here) dictate when we would try for a baby.

Ultimately, I believe it's not our choice when we conceive and have a baby but we do our best to keep our decision to try separate from world events.

BABY VIBES ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* on the way!!!

[Molly Pitcher]

I found out I was pregnant two days after he left for Iraq. We probably conceived about a week and a half before he left.

[Jan Wesner]

Our son, our first child, was born a month after 9/11. I just remember thinking that he would never know the security of a pre-9/11 world.
Our second daughter came 2 1/2 years later.
We are done having babies, although I have to admit that now that my husband is about to deploy for a year the thought has entered my mind again. Isn't it strange how that works?
blogs.tampabay.com/standingby

[maria]

we've been really blessed that each of our kids have been born during times where my husband was home. he was able to spend at least 3-4 months with each one before deploying. this summer he'll be with us for three years straight and we're planning on having our last two!!

[Kath]

The state of the world hasn't changed our plans, the baby will have a loving and caring home no matter what.
Though, the state of living in Britain changes the plan (not trying for children until we move back to the States).

[Heather]

I guess i read it the way you intended it. I too have a hard time thinking that my husband may miss out on something as important as the birth of OUR child. Lucky for us, He stepped off the plane on to american soil 2 days before our son was born. As greatful as i was for him to be home, we hadnt planned on him making it, so i went thru the whole pregnancy, all the lamaze classes, the whole 9 yards with my mom at my side. Which was okay... I just wished dh could have been there for the kicking and the ultrasounds and the 3am slurpee runs.
We want to have another baby, and yes, deployments do factor in for us. He is gone right now, and we want to start "trying" as soon as we get settled back into the swing of things. I want him there for the pregnancy this time around, and for us, you kind of have to choose, pregnancy or birth.
It makes me kind of frusterated that we have to include something like the military in our family planning, but whatchya going to do- they took over the rest of our life ;)
Good luck with the waiting game, i cant wait to hear what happens!

[MandyP]

We were not planning on any more children. When my Hubbs was home on leave in nov 2005, we firmed up that plan and he said he would be getting a "Battlefield V" when he was back in country. (He is a Medic, and was at a Hospital). Dec 31st I was hit on the head with a need to do a pregnancy test... did a digital and emailed a PIC... While overjoyed eventually I must admit I was initially devastated. Our kids were 6 and 3 and we were enjoying everything. Hubbs was also hit hard by the news, and we had no Idea if he would be home for the birth.
Of course he made it home with a month to spare, and we came to expect and almost need the life affirming feelings of renewal that come with the birth of a child. She is 6 months old now, and our family is more perfect than ever. I honestly believe if we had not learned that he was to make it home in time, well things would not have been as happy, and readjustment would have been harder. I think she has helped him heal better than anything the VA could have offered.

[Molly Pitcher]

If he plans to stay in, there is a good chance he'll miss out on something...if not the birth, then first steps, first words, first game or school play or concert. You just can't control someone being physically available for all the important things...so I try to focus on emotional availability.

[Heather]

We didn't worry about deployments when we had our children, we have 3. It was something we couldn't control. When I married my husband and we started talking about a family we knew there was possibility he wouldn't be here, that was the chance we took as a Navy family. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but military wives have had the same feelings for generations, but we don't dwell on them. That's the chance you take in life, and remember nothing is a guarentee in life, not even husbands being home for the birth of their babies, wether you are military or not.

[Jacki Wilson]

For a long time I was scared for not only my kids but myself, what if...? And you know what? It drove me crazy!!! You just can't be a military wife and live with that -- dwelling all the time, it will kill you and make you paranoid. Trust me, been there, done that, and got over it.

Having said that, in my husband's 18 years in the Navy we were very blessed for him to be able to be there for all of the births but the last one. He was in "A" school for our first-Amanda, one month prior to deploying for 9 months for Eric, and then my ovaries shut down for almost 13 years and we couldn't have a baby to save our lives.

That was ok though, because the first two had it really hard without Dad there hardly at all. Now, we went through infertility treatment and finally had baby #3 our little princess Megan when hubby was an RDC at Great Lakes. He got called the night she was born and told "Congratulations, now get to work, you have a bus full of recruits on standby." Nice, huh? So Daddy didn't get much time with her either.

We were just getting settled moving back to sea duty in VA when we found out that without trying miracle #4 was coming. Guess what? Joe was gone on a summer surge for the greater part of the pregnancy, and thank God made it back in time for Jay to be born. They ended up leaving a week later to help the hurricane victims. As soon as they got back, he felt frisky, and I was at 5 weeks postpartum so.... Well, guess what? You got it, baby #5 Alan, was on the way, and Daddy was going to be heading on a 6 month deployment over to the Gulf area. I was lucky enough to have the wife of one of his fellow Chiefs, and our best friends, there to help me through it and be there for the birth (Lori was a Saint about it all!). Daddy was a basket case and was never so happy to get home from sea.

Now, unlike with the older kids, he has more of a sense of value of time lost with the babies. He can't stand to be away from them for long, and when he is home I am chopped liver. So, I guess that it doesn't matter what the military throws at you, you just go along with it and make your own way. You adapt and find whatever plan that will work for your family. I mean, we were NOT planning for any more kids, and then three in a course of four years. That will change your life for sure. Yes, it is really hard when he is gone, but when he is home we are thankful all the more that he can be here with us.

Babies are little miracles that will come when they are ready, and whether you, or hubby, or George Bush, or the detailer, or anyone else is ready or not. Just enjoy them the best you can.

I know this is long but I hope that it helps even a little bit. Good luck in your trying. If I could send you even a little speck of the fertility I have had in the past couple years I would gladly send it ALL to you. LOL. (That is the exact reason I got the tubes tied after baby 5, I just can't do a baby #6. I love them all, but...)I will send all my good thoughts your way. Just stop worrying and let it all happen in its own time.

[Getta]

I have a 1 year old daughter and my husband has been in Iraq for almost 7 months. He had to leave the first time when I was 3 months along. I got to see him for a few days when I was 6 months and then for 3 more days when I was 7 months along at Thanksgiving. He was able to come home for 2 weeks during Christmas and was hoping she might come then..but no luck. He had to go back to duty and then request extra leave time...we were planning on having an induction once he got home. 4 days later he was on the plane when I went into labor. Luckily it waited until he got home and we spent a few hours together before going to the hospital and having our daughter. He left when she was 5 days old. He has been able to physically be with her for a total of 7 weeks. He will be home in 5 more months and god I hope gets to be home for awhile. He misses alot but I have a camcorder I got when I was pregnant and a webcam we send pictures on. Him being gone wasn't something we planned but we knew it was a possablity. You well never be financially,physically,emotionally,ready for a child and you can't predict the future. Babies come when they are supposed to and everything happens for a reason. If its right for you then it's the right time.

[Jaime]

I agree, many of the posts miss your point. My husband is going to miss the birth of our first and only child, a child that we planned. The hard thing is that the army lied to us and told us no matter what he would get to come home and continued to say that till the last month and a half of my pregnancy. Not only am i extremely devistated, but so is he. Im sorry but the damn iraqis can kill themselves for all i care, they are not more important than our family in both of our opinions. My husband most likely wont get to see our son till he is 8 months old. I am sorry but a video camera and pictures are not the same thing as getting to physically and emotionally experience the birth and many of the childs first's. Those of you who think that its okay because you got to send pictures are screwed up and need to stop making excuses or say that everything works out because your husband got to see the baby everyday that you took a picture. Its not the same. I feel horrible also not for the fact that i cant do this alone, but because of how much this situation is hurting my husband and there isn't anything i can do about it that makes up for it. Yeah, we have to deal with military until his contract is up, but having to deal with their bullshit and being deployed in a war we don't believe in is not worth the cost of the damage it is doing to our family. Not to mention that when my husband does come home we are going to have to deal with the heartbreaking task of getting the baby use to the father he has never met. when we tried to get pregnant a deployment wasnt in sight, but we didnt worry because of what we were told, now we know the military cant be trusted as much as they would like you to think, they dont care about the families, its all just numbers to them.

[Katie Jameson]

I am 8 months pregnany and my unit is leaving to Iraq this Sunday. I know it will be hard to deploy after he is born but it is something I am willing to do. I just think 3 months after giving birth is a little soon. I really think they should give you a year...lol. My son's Dad is already will also leave Sunday so my son will stay with his grandma. I think one parent is enough to have over there but the military doenst care about your family only there mission. I have made a commitment and will fulfill it but not sure how hard it will really be. If anyone knows how much time I should have before deploying please e-mail me the regulation because I can't find it. Thank you, Katie