Weekend Homework Assignment: Has War Changed You?

Last night, I was listening to Thursday's SBTR show with America's Favorite Mom, Patti Patton-Bader, and something Semper Fi Wife said caught my attention. She said, "I don't even know that I know who I was five years ago anymore. I'm not that person now." Semper Fi Wife and Patti were talking about how war, and serving those who serve, has a tendency to change one's outlook.

For so many people, war has changed everything.

Everything.

Before September 11, 2001, being an Army wife (for me) was not unlike being an electrician's wife, or a car salesman's wife or any of the other hundreds of possibilities. I didn't eat, sleep and breathe the military lifestyle, as I do now. The honor of being married to someone who chose to serve his country aside, my husband went to work, came home, occasionally went in the woods to play soldier and occasionally went on TDY assignments, but, for the most part, it was a stable existence. Yes, we moved - a lot, but there were no combat deployments to contend with, there was no war to contend with and life was pretty good. It still is, actually. It's just a different kind of good.

It would be just over two years from the start of OIF before my immediate family was intimately touched by war because my husband's first wartime deployment didn't occur immediately. When it did, naturally I saw war through an entirely different lense. But I would be forever changed two years before my husband deployed, thanks to one little email.

I read an article about Ginger Dosedel and Sew Much Comfort. I was so touched by the story that I sent an email to Ginger thanking her for her work. From that email, a friendship formed. One that would change my life in ways too numerous to count. Long story short, I became the ambassador to Walter Reed for Sew Much Comfort. My first visit to Walter Reed left me shocked and saddened. I had never seen so many young men so severely injured. But those visits turned from sorrowful to joyful because the soldiers I visited made it clear they didn't want my pity. Little did I know, I would soon learn so much about life, beating the odds, overcoming obstacles and rising to the challenge from soldiers and their wives, many of whom were 10-15 years my junior, yet decades wiser, stronger and better.    

The wonderful Ellen Miller told us something that has stayed with me since we talked to her on SBTR (a great listen). She talked about the "life stages" we go through and how we grow, evolve and change. I'm not sure when this war will end, but I've now come to think of it as an important stage in my life. Perhaps the most important. It's certainly the period of time in which I've experienced the most meaningful, personal growth.

Like Semper Fi Wife, I don't recognize the person I was five or six years ago. I'm not speaking for her, or trying to interpret what she meant with respect to her own life, I'm only touching on how her comment triggered me to think about my life in a post-9/11 world. War is a powerful force in so many ways. Like most people, I'd prefer war be rendered unnecessary. But for all its horrors, I've learned that war does have the ability to make some people better and stronger. For me, it has done just that. Ironically, it has little to do with my husband's service. No, it was the people, like our own Joan D'Arc, that I met while stalking the halls of Walter Reed, who unknowingly touched my heart, gave me a gift I'll always cherish and changed me forever. I've often thought about the pre-9/11 Andi and I'm appalled at how shallow and disengaged that Andi now seems. What did I do, aside from those things we all do to help a friend or neighbor out here or there, that mattered or empowered, challenged or made me a better person? Not enough. Not nearly enough.

Interestingly, what I found from my work with SMC is that it wasn't my effort that was personally gratifying, it was what the people I encountered gave me through their quiet strength and unrelenting determination that made a lasting impact on my life. When a soldier thanked me for bringing him some clothing, mentally I thanked him for proving to me that the stack of work I grumbled about before leaving the house, whether or not it would be completed on time, would matter little in the grand scheme of life, but watching him take his first steps with his prosthetics would stay with me forever.

I once met a soldier who chose to have both of his legs amputated although there was a possibility they could be saved. The dilemma for this soldier was that it would be a year or more before they knew whether or not his legs would recover. He wouldn't be able to walk during that time because both legs would be in fixators. Those many uncertain months would be costly for him. It would mean that he couldn't play with his young daughter in a way that was meaningful to him during that time. He said he'd never get that time back. If he went ahead with the amputation, he would be in prosthetics quicker, which would mean he could walk and play with his daughter quicker. And that's what he chose to do. And without remorse or regret, or at least without visible remorse or regret. Are there adequate words to respond to that? If there are, I couldn't find them. Then, or now.

Joan D'Arc always talks about finding the silver lining in the face of tragedy at our LIVE events. She knows a thing or two about that. Her story, and those of countless others, are inspirational, and it's why we have the empowerment panel during these events.

Hindsight shows me that I entered a new life stage after 9/11. Although I would have preferred a different method of learning an important lesson, war and its stream of casualties taught me that it's not where you've been that matters most, it's where you're going and what you do with the present moment that really, truly matters. This is a powerful lesson, and one I'm grateful that I learned while I'm relatively young. Lessons are sometimes learned and later discarded. I pray this lesson carries me through the rest of my life.

I'm fortunate to have this virtual community to lean on, and learn from. Each morning when I wake up, I can't get to the computer fast enough. I'm anxious to see what's been posted and what all of you have to say about it. I think of you as my family now, a family I likely wouldn't have if not for war. How else would this Army wife have met hundreds of Navy, Marine and Air Force spouses? Even when I enter into a new life stage, our bonds will stay with me forever. The horrors of war not withstanding -- and there are many -- positive changes in my life have occurred, and they occurred simply by watching, interacting with and learning from those who have paid an enormous price because of war.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not a perpetual glass-half-full person these days. I try, but I often fail. Just yesterday I was complaining about the PCS move which is only five days away, and what a pain it is to be managing three houses right now; the one we're about to leave, the one we're about to move into and the one we own which will have tenant turnover at precisely the same time we move into the new house. Add my other obligations onto that and it feels like I'm climbing Mt. Everest without the proper footwear. Yesterday, I even told someone, "It sucks to be me right now." But that's just my inner drama queen talking. She occasionally comes out for a stroll. Sometimes I run over her fairly quickly (which is fun), but sometimes I let her walk till she gets callouses on her feet (which never results in anything good).

I'm fully aware that there are people who find that war has changed them in negative ways, I've met some of them. So, I'm curious, and there are no right and wrong answers here, for better or worse, has war changed you? If so, how?

Comments

[Semper Fi Wife]

Oh most definitely, I have been changed. That thought had been rumbling around in my head for about a week. I had been cleaning out some boxes and found my family tree research, my half finished cross stitch samplers, books I have not read and blank invitations to coffees I have never had.
I don't do those things anymore. I had forgotten that I even used to do them.

That said, I don't take things for granted like I used to. I tell people how I feel about them when I get the chance because I should. I hug. I find that I have better perspective than I used to. I appreciate the simple things in a way I would never have 5 or 6 years ago. I will cry in public and I never, ever used to do that. I admire the strength of others and it makes me try to be stronger too.
I try to remember that I am not the center of the universe (just don't tell Lancelot that...he spoils me and I like it that way) and that other people have real problems. I strive not to suck my thumb but sometimes I do anyway...I kick myself when I do.

Anyway, Andi..this is such a great post. You understood where my head was at when I said that.

[MO]

This is a wonderful post. It has me thinking I know.

I was a younger wife (;P), didn't care one way or another about the news, politics or anything until 9/11 happened. I'm definitely not the same person I used to be.

[Soul Sista]

Great interview! Just for the record, I knew Semper Fi Wife five years ago. She has ALWAYS been an amazing individual. Perhaps, military life changes our outlook, attitude and perspective on events/activities/situations around us but one constant always remains. SACRIFICE!

DEFINITION: sacrifice: to forfiet one thing for another considered to be of greater value.

Patti illuminated this point early in the interview. Our service men/woman make sacrifices (by choice) but spouses, children, relatives, etc... are forced to deal with the consquence of their sacrifice.
We do this with the hopes and intent to make a difference within ourselves and the whole. Of course, we all deal in our way. The outcome is not always positive and mayleave one feeling bitter, angry or confused. On the other hand, an individual, like Semper Fi Wife continues to accept the change around her and embrace it. She does this by being honest about her feelings and true to herself, and shares concerns (not bottling up), and does something about the situation.
She is proactive! She is a survivor! Her sacrifice to military families is constant, undescribable and admirable. She has been my guardian angel since I had the fortuante opportunity to be her neighbor. She selflessly and without hesitation has always been there to help me(and others) problem solve situations, be an active listener, get the laughter flowing and provide advice that has always been helpful(and comical at times!.)wink! You should see her dance!
Semper Fi Wife, although you may have changed over the years, you are and always will be a remarkable person who continues to sacrifice her time, patience and energy just to help someone else! Please just dont change some things about yourself...your too awesome! Your in the center of my universe!
Semper Fi Wife is like a fine wine who continues to get better with age! CHEERS!
Here's to all the military spouses who make a SACRIFICE!

[Andi]

I couldn't agree more with you, Soul Sista. Semper Fi Wife is one of those wonderful people who came into my life during this period, and she definitely leads by example.

I hear ya, MO. Priorities shift and things that weren't on our radar screen suddenly become important. Maybe that's it, and I suppose it's just part of growing as a person. Sad that it takes a tragedy to put things in perspective, but I guess that's the nature of life. I think change in these situations is a good thing.

Something Marna Krajeski said to us when she was on SBTR once is relevant. She said that she had to coax military wives to tell their stories in her new book because they didn't think they were doing anything special and they were afraid their stories were uninspiring and nothing out of the ordinary. Ha!

I'm in a bit of a reflective mood and I've been thinking about this subject since the radio show and I'm amazed at how much I've changed and learned from simply observing people who have weathered unimaginable circumstances. And people like you spouses who sacrifice so much, but never dwell on that sacrifice.

It's really awesome when you step back and look at things from that perspective.

Anyway, nevermind me.....

[Penny]

My life has complately changed but all for the better, I think so anyway. I've become more aware of the world around me and realized there is so much out there.

I honestly hadn't realized I'd changed until last year when I went home for the deployment and saw how different my (civilian) friends and I were. The war and military are just such a big part of my life and when I would try to talk to them about them, we'd only be able to talk about it for minutes. It almost seem like if we didn't talk about the war then it wasn't happening.

Thanks for this post, it was definitely head on!

[Erin]

I see myself changing politically a lot these days, due to my involvement with my military family and my ties to the military. Five years ago I was not with my DH. Even when we got together three years ago, he was a former serviceman. He re-enlisted a year ago and while much stays the same because I haven't moved around with him, a lot has changed.

My involvement with the Patriot Guard has opened my eyes to the struggles of those who fought in or during Vietnam. I can put names and faces to that war now. I have been to more funerals, seen grieving families, and honored our fallen warriors, both active and veteran. I've become more thankful for those who have made that selfless decision to serve our country. I've thanked people for their service and welcomed home veterans of wars past and present. My respect and my understanding of our military has magnified immensely, due in part to the changes in my life over the past five years.

[Anna]

War has changed everything in my life. I don't remember what I was before, and I don't like the way things are now.

[Elisa]

Great post. I especially like the, "That's just my inner drama queen talking." I know exactly what you mean!

I was actually just thinking about this over the weekend, living in a post-9/11 world. I still have choice words for the men who changed our nation forever; 7 years later and I still get so angry. I was only 17 years old, so I feel like they took so much away from me and my future family. My now-husband was 18 at the time, and he signed up for ROTC right after it happened. We didn't know each other then, so I had no clue I'd be entering a military life in just 3 short years.

Hubby deployed 10 months after we married, so that is the first time war really hit home. It certainly mattered when I was living with my parents, but having your husband deploy is a completely different story. When I think of who I was when we first got married, then when he deployed, sometimes I do cringe. The little things that bothered me, the things I laugh at now that would have just ticked me off before. The way I "run" my household is different, the way I relate to others has most definitely changed. His being at war has given me a higher threshold for obstacles, a softer heart toward others' pain - since I've felt so much these past 13 months, my faith has increased exponentially, and just like Andi said, it's given me a family I never dreamed I'd have. Wonderful, loyal, caring friends who haven't left my side once during this deployment. And this virtual support network I come to every single day, just so I know I'm not alone.

My husband gets back in 16 days from our first (and possibly only) deployment. I hope he sees the stronger woman I've become in just this past year. I like who I am becoming, and I know, without a doubt, I have war to thank for that. The horrors, tragedy, frustrations, and injustices of war aside... yes, it has made me a better person. And made my marriage a whole lot stronger, but that explanation can wait for another post comment :)

[FbL]

Of course, I'm not a military spouse. But this SOOO resonated with me.

"I'm not sure when this war will end, but I've now come to think of it as an important stage in my life. Perhaps the most important. It's certainly the period of time in which I've experienced the most meaningful, personal growth."

Ditto. Like you, I"m amazed at the person I was 4 to 5 years ago--so different! And like you, the change has been because of the people I've met because of war, who have given me so much more than I have supposedly given anyone else.

I'm sure I will have other transformative events/eras in my life, but I have no doubt that this time period marks a distinct Before and After.

...And that Before and After is something I think I'll need an entire blog post (at least) to describe. Better get writing, huh? ;)

[David M]

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the - Web Reconnaissance for 06/17/2008 A short recon of what’s out there that might draw your attention, updated throughout the day...so check back often.

http://thunderrun.blogspot.com/2008/06/web-reconnaissance-for-06172008.html

[army wife and mom]

I had not thought much about how I had changed, but I really have. I know for a fact my relationship with my husband has become so much stronger than I ever believed it could. Although, we both agree, we learned our lessons, we wont' take things for granted, now he can come home! Sadly, we are about 2 days away from being halfway through our 15 month deployment! Like you all have said, being personally involved in the war makes you realize that we do take our lives for granted, that it really truly did take these brave and courageous men and women to fight for our freedoms and allow us to live the way we do today. It is really hard to be around civilians who don't even think twice about it all, who have no idea what so many of us go through. But in the same thought, I think of how lucky they are that they can live their lives without being stressed or burdened about war and deployments. Our armed forces did that for them, so their ability to be ignorant even makes me proud! I did think I would handle the separation better, it has been so much harder than I ever could have imagined. It has definitely made me appreciate and enjoy every second of my children's lives, because I know my husband is missing it so I try to take it all in for both of us. I think a way it helps relationships is by showing spouses that we can do it by ourselves, we aren't with our other half because we have to be, or because we need them, we are with them because we want to be and we love them. We could do it on our own, we know that now, we just don't want to, and that is really a great thing to carry into a relationship. I will say though, I would have been okay not knowing some of this stuff, being one of the ignorant ones, if only my husband could be with me now. The bumper sticker is all wrong, the one that says half of my heart is in Iraq. My whole heart went, and it makes it so hard to breathe.