Is it Broken? If So, What's the Fix?

I knew something was up yesterday as soon as I turned on my phone and opened my inbox. And it was. A big article in USA Today about the stresses being placed on military families.

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — During the worst of Bravo Troop's 15-month tour in Iraq, when soldiers were dying in bunches, families here poured out their fear, frustrations and even hysteria onto one young woman: Bana Miller.

She's not Army. She's not trained. Her only qualification, then at age 24, was being an officer's wife who volunteered to run Bravo Troop's Family Readiness Group —a job of e-mailing and organizing potluck dinners in peacetime.

But when Bravo went to war, she became a social worker, grief counselor and a 24-hour hotline overnight. At various times, wives threatened to commit themselves to a mental institution or go to the media if Miller did not help bring their husbands home.

"I was in this alternative universe thinking: 'What has my life become?' " says Miller, who grew up in the Main Line suburbs of Philadelphia and married the boy she met in seventh grade.

As the Iraq war nears a sixth year, the Army has more than 3,000 volunteers such as Bana Miller, and many are buckling under the pressure of duties that they never expected would be so hard or last so long. The Army and Marine Corps lean on these family support volunteers to be the first stop for families struggling to deal with war, separation and loss.

Click here to read the full story.

Some interesting things happened yesterday. A Veteran's Service Organization and at least one lawmaker are quite interested in hearing the opinions of military families. What, realistically, can and should be done to better support military families? We're asking for your help, and for your honest, no-holes-barred opinions. 

Regular SpouseBUZZ readers know that we don't do a lot of whining around here. We try to embrace the suck and emphasize the many wonderful aspects of military life. And we like it that way. However, that doesn't mean that there are not fundamental issues that should be swept under the rug and never discussed. Especially on a forum such as SpouseBUZZ.

Military spouses are the glue that holds everything together during war time. For the most part, we graciously accept our roles, and we fulfill them quite well. But much is asked, and sometimes it's hard to just hang in there. And there's nothing wrong with feeling that way on occasion. And it doesn't make you whiny or unsupportive. It makes you human.

I am extremely interested in hearing your opinions on how, in a broad sense, the military can realistically improve the lives of those on the homefront. On a more specific note, I am interested in your thoughts about volunteer burnout, and what we can do about it. This caught my eye:

Volunteer burnout has touched Army and Marine Corps bases nationwide, says Fonta Footman-Mitchell, director of volunteer services for the National Military Family Association, a support and advocacy group with liaisons at U.S. military installations. From 5% to 7% of the association's own volunteers also have quit, she says.

Though neither could provide statistics, the Army and Marine Corps are seeing an increase in turnover among volunteers, according to Marine Lt. Col. Jacqueline Melton, head of family readiness programs, and William Bradner, a spokesman for the Army's Family and Morale, Welfare and Recreation Command.

And what do you think about compensating volunteers for their work?

The Marines, Melton says, are spending $30 million over two years to shift from volunteers to paid staff members. The Army is spending $45 million to hire about 1,000 full-time workers to help some volunteers, Bradner says.

Some say the Army could go even further.

"If I had my wish of wishes, all the (volunteer family support programs) would be run by paid employees," says Michele Votel, wife of Brig. Gen. Joe Votel, assistant division commander for the 82nd Airborne Division.

This is your chance to have your voices heard. People are paying attention. What do you want them to know? What needs (realistic) do you have that are not being met? What programs could be better organized to maximize the benefit to you and your family? How do we deal with the volunteer burn-out rate that we are seeing with FRG and Key Volunteers?

I do like the mantra, "ask not what the military can do for you, but what you can do for the military." And spouses ask themselves that very question every single day. And they answer it, too. But if money is going to be allocated to the homefront, which appears to be the case, how should it be spent?

Please give careful consideration to this and give us some honest feedback. We desperately want it, and we want to pass it on to people who need to see it. "Bring my husband home" doesn't qualify though, even if you want that to happen (who doesn't?). Let's stick to reality-based solutions and substantive, meaningful suggestions. For those of you who are uncomfortable leaving your feedback in the comment section, email it to us and we'll publish it anonymously, with no attribution.

Tonight at 9:00 EST on SBTR, we'll be discussing the USA Today article at length. We'll talk about your suggestions and we will take your calls. Please join us in the chat room. This is important stuff, and we need your involvement. This is, after all, our lives.

Update 1/22/08: Please click here for an update to this post.

Comments

[SLB]

Andi-I personally think they need to not higher contractors in these new slots. Contractors (unless married to a service member) has no vested interested in properly taking care of our families. We need to look into the vast pool of experienced people we have in the FRG/AFTB community and higher those who are already doing the work. At least if we have spouse/family members (I am not advocating unqualified people just because they are spouses/fm)there is huge return on an investment the services have done already. Volunteer burnout is like anywhere, I am sure you have seen it in church, 20% of the people do 80% of the work. Until we give people a truly good reason to volunteer, we will never get a strong pool of them. You have your people like the SpouseBuzz bloggers and others out there who believe we are called to do this, but not everyone is called or can do this, so we have to reach out and get more people to invest/own their FRG. How do we do that? I don't know, I have been doing this for 9 years and still don't have the answer, if I did I would have 100% participation.
Thank God for the ones we do have though, without them, I don't know where we would be.

[SLB]

I feel so stupid, brain cramp today, my spelling, hire, not higher.

[airforcewife]

I do wish the Army would pay some attention to the AF way... which is a professional Family Support group, and then an awful lot of volunteer spousal support for each other.

I don't think anything will ever replace needing to talk to someone who is going through it right there with you, but having someone else to take care of the planning and trampoline calls might lighten the load for the volunteers quite a bit.

Also, am I the only one who wanted to hug the spouse they featured and tell her what a great job she did under such awful circumstances?

She's a great example of a military spouse survivor.

[Andi]

SLB - good points. I do have some reservations about paying volunteers, one of which is this: Would any amount of money relieve the stress of having to handle casualty notification? I don't think so. On the other hand, if you're going to pay someone, it does make sense to pay someone who is in the same boat as his/her peers.

We're going to get into this in depth tonight on the show.

afw - I too wanted to hug her. I could feel the emotion leaping off the screen when I read the article. She is a great example of a milspouse.

[AWTM]

Interesting and needs to be discussed the privatzation of housing, the care at Walter Reed . Military spouses who have been there and done that will have great ideas.

This will be a great town hall meeting.

[KL]

These are some great ideas, especially concerning the paid position going to someone who's dealing with the suck at the same time and can commiserate.

My own personal twitch with the military is that the rights given to service members via the Soldiers and Sailors Civil Relief Act aren't extended to family members. So every time our guys/gals are ordered to leave the state, we spouses (and sometimes the sproglets, too) are expected to act like we're civilians tagging along for the fun of it.

Also, a little side note that I know will *never* be considered but that I believe would benefit families a great deal, would be for BAH to be based not on rental markets but on the cost of owning a home in that area. Why shouldn't military members be able to afford a home, and get the same breaks any civilian home owner can have, if it's possible to homestead for more than a few years? Why are we expected to live as perpetual renters? Of course, I understand lots of folks are able to get base housing, but that's never been an option for us, and I'm sure there are tons of others in our situation.

Considering the many other sacrifices we have to make, it seems that something so slight as being able to keep your driver's license, get in-state tuition automatically, or (not so slight) be able to afford your very own home would make quite a difference in our already pretty darn difficult lives.

[HH7]

Where do I begin? Perhaps if I can organize my thoughts I will send over an email.

On the paid volunteer note, we have paid "FRG Assistant" positions here and so far they have been military spouses with volunteer/FRG experience. I believe they make every effort to fill the positions with in-house people first. I had some exposure to the program before stepping down as a company level FRG leader and just as anything else it has pros and cons.

[MrsD]

There needs to be more attention to and services for National Guardsmen who are not on active orders. I was shocked to hear an ACS leader say today, "If someone from the National Guard is on this installation, s/he is active duty." Ummmm... No.

While I understand and have the greatest respect for the sacrifices active-duty military families make, National Guard families have to make some of the same sacrifices plus we don't have the support of other families nearby who are going through the same thing we are and we deal with the culture shock of sudden immersion into Army culture at the same time we're dealing with our loved one leaving.

The Army asks our families to simultaneously learn a new language (Army-talk), understand a new payroll system and how to make sure paychecks are correct, figure out a new insurance program, grasp the legal consequences of being a married but geographically single spouse, support our children emotionally, keep our extended families informed, take on all the home duties of our deploying spouse without relinquishing any of our own and deal with our own emotional response to saying good-bye to the most important adult in our lives. And to do all of this often without any nearby support system who understands any of it and without being anywhere near a military installation. Many of our families live anywhere from 2 to 5 hours from the nearest post. And, even if you do happen to live near a post, many of the services available there are ONLY available if your soldier is on orders. That's great if your soldier is deployed, but what about the rest of the time - the before and the after? And did you know that the ACS may not specify on their website that a particular service is available to non-active duty soldiers? When asked why, I was told it's because the Army's position is that everyone is active duty. HUH???

The next question is, What do we do to solve this? I know I don't have the whole answer right on the tip of my tongue, but a step in the right direction would be to involve families of national guardsmen in any decision making process. And I don't mean the Sargeant Major's wife or the Colonel's wife. I mean the average spouse sitting out here waving good-bye to her Sargeant or her Specialist and wondering how on earth she's going to get through the next 15 months. (Because, really, who believes it will ONLY be the 12 months they're promising?)

Another step would be to provide the National Guard families with all the same tools the active-duty Army has. Give us FRSAs, too. Paid FRSAs. If they could be from within the unit, even better. And don't limit it to Battalion or Brigade level. We need them right here at company level.

Those are just a few thoughts. I'm sure, with time to think, I would have many more. I wish I was more eloquent and can only hope I effectively communicated the thoughts I managed to have. :-)

[GuardWife2]

Sorry I can't make it on the call tonight and I will apologize for the length of my post before I start. As a Guard Wife with experience through two deployments and FRG leadership experience I would like to chime in as well.

The question was focusing on FRG's, paid staff and volunteerism. And again, I am only speaking from a National Guard perspective.

Each state has a Family Programs Office and Family Assistance Center Staff that are paid. These offices and centers are to serve all military families but generally tend to serve a majority of Guard families. (I guess because full time has ACS or it's equivalent).
I think those offices and FAC's need more paid staff

I believe significant improvements can be made using this additional paid staff in these areas.

1. remove the major burden of FRG's from the Commander. (yes, gasp!) I believe each State Adjutant General and State Family Programs office should maintain consistent contact with Guard families. In the NG, Commander's typically have a full-time civilian job and then take on command which is also a full time job. Their focus needs to be on preparing our Soldiers to go to war (and in the case of the Guard, to respond to a national or environmental disasters). There is just not enough time in the day (drill weekend) or month to also focus on all of the needs of the families or to even educate them on what is available to support them.

Each unit would then really need just to provide a basic phone / email tree and ArmyFRG websites to use for specific unit information, especially during deployment.

I don't know about full-time Army life, but in the Guard, sometimes it seems like your Soldier keeps moving from one unit to another. That means each time that the family must be incorporated into yet another FRG - which may very well be located hundreds of miles away. If the State Family Programs office/TAG maintained the main contact with the families, they could depend on the already established Family Assistance Centers and create regions of support. (sort of a Regional FRG).

Right now, it is very possible that there is another NG family that lives down the block from me that I do not even know about because their Soldier is assigned to a completely different unit and our paths just never seem to cross. With a regional focus, my involvement might introduce me to this other military family and when one or the other of us is experiencing deployment or long training periods, we can lean on each other much easier than we can if we are "confined" to our unit FRG. Personally, I would also be more apt to be involved and volunteer if I know that my friend might participate with me and if it were not a 2 hour drive from my home.

This regioinal type of set up can also greatly help with youth support!

2. Recruitment - improve significantly the training of the recruiters in regards to Family Programs and what is available not only to spouses but the parents (who are often left out and who can contribute greatly as volunteers). Get folks involved early and right near their homes. The family may be proud about their Soldier's service and may love to have the chance to be involved. Get them in early and make them feel a part of the bigger picture right off the bat. This can help generate more volunteers.

3. There needs to be a viable database system (again, for the NG it should be statewide) that can be used by FRG leaders (yes, with limited information) so that information can move with the Family as they move with their Soldier from one FRG to another. The benefits of this would greatly reduce the current burden on FRG leaders to create a tracking system of their own to use. This would also create less stress and aggravation for our Soldiers (they wouldn't need to fill out the same form again and again when they have been married and have lived in the same place for the last 12 years.)

A database of this sort would also make sure families don't fall through the cracks as they get attached to a unit last minute.

Using a database, Family Programs could then tailor information they provide to families based on what their situation is. If they have a lot of families in a particular region that are having financial issues, they can target resources, emails, materials to just those families in that area (for sake of space this is only a small example.)

I could go on but I must tuck the young ones in. Anyway, my two cents (or more).

Thank you for reading and thank you all for the sacrifices you make!

[Mrs. H]

Andi … Thanks for this opportunity. To answer your two basic questions .. Better support for the families? – My opinion – Make it easier to access mental health services and provide funding for Base support groups (led by trained mental health professionals) for spouses, teens and young children. Also provide funding for FREE respite childcare. And as far as the cure for volunteer burnout …. Shift a large portion of the volunteer duties to a hired Social Worker who works for the Commanding Officer. Let me elaborate …. I recently gave up my position as the Key Volunteer Advisor for my husband’s Squadron. I saw first hand how the trained volunteers worked to support and assist our family members enduring their 3rd deployment in as many years. While many questions and concerns were readily handled by a TRAINED Key Volunteer … there were several situations that were beyond the scope of our Marine Corps training. While the training was thorough .. it is no substitution for a skilled professional. In those cases, I felt there really should have been a Social Worker available to step in and take over. Therefore, I for one, am excited that the USMC is creating PAID positions. Lots of thought needs to go into this as I don’t want to see these positions turn into the typical civil service position where it takes an act of Congress to dismiss someone that isn’t working out. Though having someone who is a trained professional could greatly improve family readiness. I still think there is a place for the Key Volunteer Network (KVN) .. like passing basic command information, organizing family events or perhaps a monthly phone call to check on a family and make sure they are feeling connected to the Command. In the end, all families need to acknowledge the KVN is as good as those that volunteer and there is no substitution for personal responsibility. Another very important and often overlooked area is providing support groups. There needs to be a place where folks with similar situations can meet with a counselor and just talk. Meeting within the unit is not ideal as sometimes folks need a safe place to mix and have the services of a counselor to help facilitate discussions. And not just for the spouse but the children too. Kids get lost in all this discussion. We adults made the choice to marry a service member .. but our kids don’t get a say and often are overlooked when it comes to support. Our last base had age-specific support groups facilitated by a licensed clinical social worker who got the kids together weekly to do crafts and talk about their parent being away. My child learned to talk about feelings instead of keeping them bottled inside and was able to meet with other kids going through a deployment too. This group was truly a blessing though due to some contracting issues the counselor would have to leave periodically and go to other bases .. leaving our base unattended. I would love to see continuous support groups where families have a place to go and feel normal. Lastly .. the respite childcare is a must. Our last base had a parent’s night out and would ‘sell-out’ .. it was free for deployed families. It was held at a Youth Center and capacity was limited. This was a absolute Godsend for our families and my only wish was that there was more of it .. so that spouses could have at least one night a month to just get a break. ………… Again .. thanks Andi for bringing this topic to the forefront for some action.

[mrssands]

I'm too new to the Army wife process to know what "normal" is,but I do know that the lack of communication and coordination surrounding my husband's deployment caused nothing but additional stress and frustration during an already difficult time for both of us. At no point was I provided with a name, a phone number, ANY sort of contact that I can reach out to for information about his unit (he's a Reservist, attached to an active duty group). To my knowledge there is no FRG. I honestly don't even know if anyone has my information to contact me if something happens.

I can't comprehend how there wasn't some sort of a pre-deployment briefing to make sure that FAMILIES, not even just spouses, were prepared with what they would need for the next year. We didn't even get a checklist. He has no will, I have no power of attorney. There was so much confusion and disorganization around when he was going, that we didn't even have time to stop and think and ask. They had him in another state for training the week after he got orders, and home for just one week to pack before he left for Ft. Bragg. It was a complete nightmare.

If they were this disorganized on US soil, can you blame me for being absolutely terrified of how they're going to manage things now that he's over there? Absolutely no process, and no acknowledgment of what that kind of disorganization does to a family already in shock over what's about to happen.

i could go on for DAYS about my frustrations, and I've only been married three months! sigh.

[Audette]

First, I'm proud to mention that I have met the woman in the USA Today article. She is an amazing woman, and I haven't a clue how she managed to hold everything together through it all. I don't think I'd have the strength to do that.

Now, in response to the question, what can the military do? Well, I have to agree with the one post about making the accomodations given to service members apply to the family members that end up following them around. The number of headaches I've had to deal with because of this not currently being the case, is astounding, considering I'm at my first base, and have only been here for a year and a half.

Secondly, they could actually _support_ the families, instead of simply giving lipservice to the idea of family support...

That means that when a spouse is attempting to fix a many months overdue reimbursement issue for her deployed spouse, you _help_ her do it, instead of dragging your feet for over two weeks. (I was about ready to strangle someone, but settled instead for camping out in a soldier's cube for a half day)

That means following up on promises made at family briefings prior to deployments.

Everytime I hear someone in command talking about the family it sounds false. It's all vague "we'll take care of you" type of thing, but nothing concrete or specific. It's like the person who tells someone "if there's anything you need...". The person saying it may really want to help, but because they're not providing specifics, the person this line is said to is left without really getting any support...

I like the idea of having FRG's, but right now the army has them so regulated and tied up with red tape they have to do an insane amount of work for next to no sign of appreciation, much less compensation, and frankly, very little sign of assistance from the rear-detachment. Having paid workers taking some of the heavier burdens off the FRG would go a long way to helping avoid burnout in that regard.

[audette]

mrssands:

I've been trying to figure out how to forward a message to you, but can't. (I once received a message from someone on here, so I suspect it's possible, but can't seem to make it work...)

Anyways, I'm at Bragg. If we can touch base offlist, I can see if I can help you get in touch for the unit your DH is attached to.

[Erin N]

To help solve the issue of volunteer burnout, I support the use of paid positions. More specifically paid social workers. I happen to be a social worker myself and would love the opportunity to help out other milspouses and get involved in that way. I'm sure there are many other milspouses with some type of "professional" training including social work or counseling that would love to have the type of job where they could assist others that are in the same situation. They have the education and they have the inside scoop because they are also milspouses. I've just found that dealing with people who don't understand the difficulties that can come with military life is quite frustrating. I had a lady fuss at me for a good 10 minutes for my husband not being present at our TLA meeting when he was at work and I had the power of attorney and was told he didn't have to be there as long as I had that. I feel like if that had been a milspouse then perhaps things might have happened with a different tone. Of course there has to be enough paid workers to deal with everything because you don't want your paid workers quitting over burnout either, but I think that would go a long way towards easing the burden for others.

[Andi]

Great feedback and suggestions, ladies! Thanks for taking so much time to offer your thoughts.

[SLB]

Andi-FRG are only to be involved with casualty after the fact and only if the family wants them to be. My dh has been involved with FT. Dix Casualty Office and SOP, FRG personnel/Volunteers are not included in the process. If the family requests them it is their unit FRG not Battalion/Brigade/Division/HQ FRG that do that.

[M]

My husband was NG, deployed to the sandbox. We had a great FRG leader until she got fed up with the shady dealings of Army and civilian personnel involved with the unit. We were then issued another leader from another branch of service. She never contacted anyone out of her geographical area. Since I live about 60 miles from her, I was completely out of official commo.
I wouldn't know her if I fell over her.

The rear d CO was useless and didn't want to fulfill the duties assigned to him.

The state FAC was just about useless on a good day. Don't get me started on a bad day with them.

Paying people would be a nice gesture, but I'm not sure it would be a help. We had plenty of incompetent, unprofessional, uncaring people who were already getting paid fairly well. Seldom is money the answer to so complicated a system. Getting paid often means people love the money, not the job. I think the system I experienced is a prime example of that.

Our original FRG leader spent countless hours and nearly countless dollars to help families. She did so even after she quit her official role.

I don't know how the Reserves work, but NG had SRP at the drill where the callup notification was made. That included all kinds of paperwork such as family care plans, insurance, etc. People from the JAG Corps were there to help w/ wills and POAs. We did ours on the civilian side.

The best advice I can give to milwives, especially on the Reserve/Guard side, is to go online and find sites like this one. Spousebuzz and AKO really saved my sanity during his tour.

Hooah/semper fi.

[Andi]

That's right, SLB, but they do have the responsibility of informing the rest of the wives of casualties (after the family has been notified) and other bad news. Which, as Miller noted, is a challenging position to be in.

[AWTM]

I was thinking last night...

I wonder what would happen if we cut the time that folks can volunteer, like term limits. It might affect continuity, but it would force respit!

[mrssands]

Audette- thank you! I would love any help ANYONE can provide (know anything about incorrectly processed travel vouchers??)
I have no idea how to get you my info, short of just posting it here (is that legal?)

[SLB]

It is all so different on the Reserve side (which we are). Most Reserve unit FRG's I have run into are broke, because either spouses live to far away, hate the Army, or don't have time. So it usually falls to the commanders spouse (me, again) now granted my dh is public affairs, so I have never dealt with anything larger than a 33 member unit. My point in all of this. The people they are going to hire to be in full time positions why hire outside contractors. Hire men and women who love the Army (Reserve, NG, AC) and have hands on experience. Not pay the unit level FRG leaders. I saw so many women at Ft. Belvoir with years and years of experience who love the Army and would be wonderful in those slots.

As far as the comments on the FRG leader notifying other spouses of a death in the unit. With todays technology and especially the units I would deal with the spouses would already know. AC Army FRG's are very, very different from the Reserve side.

[Andi]

I am posting a great email I just received as part of the discussion:

Andi,
I wasn't really sure what I wanted to say until I started typing so bear with me. :)

My husband just returned from a 14 month deployment. I became an FRG Leader towards the end of his deployment. It was our first deployment. I knew going in that it was going to be tough, not as tough as when they left, but that it would still be a challenge. However, I'm an information hog and my biggest complaint about the FRG was that the info wasn't getting out to the wives in a timely manner. So, instead of sitting around whining about it, I offered to help. I have a really good group of wives. We didn't have a high attendance rate at meetings but we do have a good email group. We are also heavy on single soldiers in the company, so that means we have lots of parents who this was their first deployment too. Homecoming was insane, but I enjoyed being there watching all of the wives/parents watch their soldiers come home.

Our Brigade brought in paid volunteers (FRSA's--1 for each Battalion) towards the middle of the deployment. It wasn't met with a warm fuzzy. All of the Battalions had a volunteer Battalion level FRG Leader in place that had been in place since before the deployment. Additionally the FRSA's weren't allowed to work within their soldiers (if they were with our brigade) battalion. After a few months of figuring out how to split the responsibilties between the volunteer position and the paid position, everything started working smoothly. Then just a few weeks before redeployment started, the FRSA's started quitting. The job was too time consuming for most of them. So, the FRG's then had to figure out who was their BN level POC again. In our particular BN, the BN FRG leader had quit because the FRSA was doing such a good job and the BN FRG leader also had a full time job that had been suffering due to deployment. Our FRSA was one of the ones that quit less then 10 days before ADVON began the redeployment process. It left our FRGs with no FRG Liason, left the Rear-D commander with more work, and consequently information was slowed again.

I think that paid positions are a good idea, but I also think the Army should just pay the people who are already in the position (specifically BN level FRG leaders) instead of bringing in new people. The spouses who are already in the job have a vested interest in their jobs. We're family. Our FRSA was nice, but she was clueless as to some of our specific battalion issues (specific wife quirks, specific FRG leader quirks, etc). However, she knew her battalion issues inside and out. It's not necessarily her fault as much as it is you just learn stuff when serving with your particular battalion instead of serving with another battalion. If that makes any sense at all. :)

Finally, it's of my opinion that during deployment all FRG Leadership (Company level and up) should be paid positions and they should be subjected to job performance reviews. :) A bunch of the issues that FRGs had during deployment were directly related to the fact that the leaders had very demanding full time jobs in addition to FRG responsibilites. There are some amazing leaders out there who can do a 60 hour a week job and still have time for FRG and I applaud them. However, there are some women who accept the role of FRG leader while working who just don't honestly have the time to devote to the FRG and in the end it's the wives and parents who end up suffering.

I read the USA Today article a couple of day ago and while I sympathize completely with the particular spouse they interviewed, she's not the only one going through this. After reading it, I felt for her, but at the same time, I felt as if the civilian population would get the impression that a bunch of us are forced into FRG stuff based on our husbands rank, not based on our willingness to be there for our wives. My wives and parents are the reason I am an FRG Leader. Being there for them, during the loss of their son, the birth of a baby, the joy of the homecoming, the uncertainty of reinegration, during everything I'm here because I'm one of them and I would hope that if I was in their shoes they would do the same. It's that whole lead by example thing. :)

Okay I think I'm done rambling. :) By the way, Spousebuzz made this whole deployment go so much quicker. Thank you for being there for us.

[Cass, Queen of Tough Love...]

Andi:

I started to respond to this last night and had to wave off b/c my response would have been (you know me!) intemperate.

On the USA Today article:

The young woman clearly went above and beyond the call of duty. And I applaud her for doing so.

But by the same token, that is part of the problem. Most of these programs are set up in such a fashion that wives are NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ACTING AS SOCIAL WORKERS, GRIEF COUNSELORS, ETC. And if they are, there is a problem, and a very big part of that problem is the inability to set boundaries.

Of course they are burned out. If you let people suck every last ounce of energy from you, that happens. Whatever happened to the notion of acting as a REFERRAL? You do not (and CANNOT) solve people's problems for them. You CANNOT be expected to be there for an entire BN 24/7, and if you cannot learn to say "that is not my function and if I do this for you, I cannot be there for the rest of the wives" then perhaps you do need to step down because you have lost your perspective.

Honestly, what on earth did we do in all the decades before KVN and FRG? How did we get through VietNam, Korea, WWII when there was no email, no cell phones, etc? My Mom had no command support during VietNam. NONE. Neither did my MIL. Neither of them crumpled up and blew away.

This whole "volunteer crisis" is a textbook example of scope creep. The military tried to offer services, and many of the volunteers insist on broadening their roles FAR beyond what was intended. If you add a paycheck and whoever is on the receiving end cannot say "no" to 2 am phone calls such as that young women in USA today received, asking her to bring their husbands home, guess what?

They will quit too, because no paycheck on earth is worth that nonsense. I lived with that as a boot 2nd Lt.'s wife and I learned (painfully) to deal with it. You have to set people's expectations, and if they think the federal government exists to make their deployment issues go *poof!* then no amount of money you throw at the problem and no amount of free babysitting is going to ameliorate the basic issue.

Sorry, but there it is from a former KVA, KVC, someone who formed her own support groups LONG before the Marine Corps ever had a formal network in place. I believe the proper role of these groups should be more like LINKS - teach wives to be self reliant, not co-dependent as in that USA Today article and when I hear talk about the government providing MORE services, frankly that makes my blood boil.

Bring in some retired wives and let THEM talk to Congress about how THEY got through deployments on less money and benefits than we ever had. It will get your mind right yesterday.

[Cass]

And by the way, that last was a serious suggestion. One of the best ideas I ever had over the years was to involve the retired wives community whenever possible. I invited them (especially some of the really elderly wives) to come talk to us about their experiences - they have such a great attitude and positive outlook on life, and listening to them talk about their lives really puts a lot of things into perspective.

We are losing an entire generation of wisdom that is priceless. These women were so strong (though I'm sure at the time they felt just like we do now). When you listen to them talk about what they faced, it is truly inspiring.

They didn't have half the benefits we have. Couples doubled up in apartments and lived over bars and stores (and these were officers!). They didn't own their own cars or appliances. And yet, they look back on those days fondly for the most part, whereas we seem so unhappy, even with all the resources we have to help us.

I guess it just seems as though the more we have the more we expect and the greater the gap between our expectations and what anyone - government or private agency - can every rationally fulfill. And that troubles me greatly.

I can't help but wonder if part of the solution isn't just that perhaps we need to get some of that missing perspective back? Maybe life doesn't have to be perfect all the time. Maybe it is OK if it is good, or maybe we learn to take satisfaction in overcoming the challenges we face instead of bemoaning everything that hasn't been handed to us?

It just seems as though that article highlighted the worst case scenario, and I also question some of the fundamental premises (volunteer turnover? since when have volunteer positions not been subject to turnover? And 20% of the people have always done 80% of the work, and having watched both my Mom and MIL complete 30 year tours in the Navy I know burnout is an age-old problem). It just means it is time for someone else to do these jobs, or perhaps to realize that maybe you are trying to do more than you have willing hands for.

IOW, there is nothing new under the sun.

[SeabeeSeniorWife]

After reading all the comments, I think the overall theme is "lack of communication". From my personal experience, that of a reservist wife, it stems from the commands response to the importance of communication to the families. I don't think I've met a volunteer ombudsman, key volunteer or FRG volunteer yet that isn't working too hard with too little means and cooperation from the commands. My hats off to these volunteers willing to take on this demanding and many times thankless jobs.

These volunteers are meant to be the "go between" people but this can only work if the command is responsive to the needs of the families. Ombudsman are not meant to be counselors but they should have the resources given to them to provide you with one. They are not meant to be DFAS workers but they should have the name of someone they can refer you to that will take care of your pay issue. When an ombudsman refers a family to a specific service, it needs to be a priority for the people working in those service areas to take care of the situation. The ombudsman shouldn't have to keep doing follow ups to make sure it gets done or have to have more phone calls from the families because it wasn't handled correctly.

Giving out the information and resources to families is only useful if it works. The person in charge of that area needs to take charge and make it work. The command also needs to take the time to call the ombudsman and see if they need help reaching out to families and what they can do to make it easier on them. They need to pass on information, especially during a deployment, to the families; not just assume that someone will get it to them. I have yet to hear from the command in charge of my husbands unit and the deployment is almost over. I also know that the only time our unit ombudsman gets information is when she goes out of her way to track it down. Those that have the information don't think to share it because in their minds, they know it and assume others do as well.

By the way, I also love the idea of retired wives having a strong input on the system. No one knows it better than someone with the voice of experience.

Thanks for letting me add my two cents. It has been the "support group" I found at Spousebuzz that got me this far in the deployment.

[Andi]

Cass – I sense a burn with a culture of entitlement, which is probably an issue with society at large, but that’s a discussion I'll leave for another day and another venue.

Your points are well taken.

Let’s talk money. Whether one believes that money should be thrown at the problem or not, the truth is, that’s exactly what’s happening. And it’s not likely to change anytime soon. Last night, we were in agreement that more creative solutions and less monetary ones would serve all of us better. As for some creative solutions, I'm working on a list that I hope to publish soon. Solutions that would cost little or no money. I’m interested to see what other spouses think and what suggestions they would add to the list.

About the milspouses who have come before us, I couldn't agree more. They are gems, and they are often forgotten and rarely sought after as a resource. We can learn from much from these wonderful women. We can also gain some valuable inspiration and perspective from them. Personally, I cannot imagine going through a wartime deployment before the cyber-age.

I have to disagree that the USA Today article cited the worst-case scenario, assuming you're referring to the experience of an FRG leader (or its equivalent). Yes, it’s true that the part about the wives who called and demanded their husbands be brought home should not be interpreted as normal or frequent (though it does happen). That is an unreasonable demand, and we know it. All of us want our husbands home, but the overwhelming majority of us realize that they have a job to do and threatening to commit suicide, or something along those lines, is not typical milspouse behavior. But as to the other parts, from what I’ve witnessed and been told, I think Miller’s experience is quite common. The phone rings constantly, even when you set reasonable boundaries.

As to burnout…during peacetime, (and I’m speaking from my Army Wife experience only) you could reasonably expect to have the same FRG/FSG leaders and volunteers in place for 2-3 years straight. The up-tempo associated with war has turned this model on its head. I don’t think spouses are whining or giving up, it’s just hard to sustain that position with the added responsibility that naturally comes with combat training and deployments. That shouldn’t come as a surprise, really. Especially when, as seems to be the consensus around here, the same people tend to step up to the plate time and time again. It makes for a grueling six years. And you have to walk away at some point because you must recharge. This has apparently led some to believe that paid volunteers are one way to fix this problem. I'm skeptical of paying volunteers for many reasons. I'm even more skeptical of paying volunteers with no attachment to the military. I've given this much thought over the last two days and tried to weigh the pros and cons. Will this create more problems than it solves? The train is already moving. We will see how it all plays out. My guess is...not so well.

Setting boundaries is important, whether you're a military spouse or not, but there are situations from which you cannot easily escape. Making it clear that you won’t accept phone calls after x-hour (unless someone is bleeding or dying) is one thing, but you cannot control other situations which may -– and often do -- trigger mandatory phone calls to other outlets. Before you know it, one phone call turned into three phone calls which spanned two hours. Multiply that by ____ and the hours add up quickly. And oh, by the way, you still have your normal life to live.

The concepts of empowerment, responsibility and self-reliance are something we push heavily here at SpouseBUZZ and at our LIVE events. The problem with having that tone permeate throughout the military at large is that “people” are in charge of support services. Yes, I’m sure you all knew that, but my point is that personalities and management styles differ greatly from person to person. Some leaders prefer to manage and move on and some prefer to get more personally invested. Some feel that the best approach is to give someone a boost and others feel the best approach is to cradle. Some delegate and some are control freaks. You get the point. In this case, there is nothing monolithic about military spouses or FRGs or the military or the branches within the military.

Overall, we manage pretty well. But there is room for improvement. Room for improvement doesn’t mean being all things to all people. That’s an impossible task. But rather, operating more smartly with the resources that we have (and those we’re about to be given). How are we doing on that score?

I liked the USA Today article, very much. And I admire Miller for her outstanding service. But one part left me feeling very sad.

“In the end, Miller says, she felt overwhelmed and somewhat resentful that the Army had taken over her life for a year.”

I was sad that Miller felt resentful towards the Army. Especially since she gave so much and clearly helped so many wives in so many ways. I hope that with time, her resentment will fade. No matter what bumps I may experience on this crazy ride, I can’t imagine being resentful of the institution that has given me so many wonderful opportunities and so many wonderful friends.

At any rate, great discussion. We agree on a lot. We disagree in some areas. Much to think about. My wheels are spinning….and spinning….and spinning….

[Cass]

First of all, I never said "I don’t think spouses are whining or giving up".

What I said was, I think that perhaps they are trying to do a bigger job than they ought to be doing. I never got the impression Miller was whining - quite the contrary. I got the impression she was trying to take too much on her shoulders, and USA Today was turning that into an indictment of "the system".

I can't speak for the Army, but I've sat through I can't tell you how many KV training sessions where the Marine Corps carefully tells us the limits of what we are supposed to be doing. AND EVERY DANGED TIME, THE WOMEN IN THAT ROOM SAY, "WELL, THAT IS NOT WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO! WE WANT TO DO X, Y, OR Z..." And all of this is laudable, Andi. It comes from a good place, a place of caring about our wives. But to confuse that with the "system" being broken is hogwash. This is people, deliberately choosing to ignore the training that tells them if they decide to do x, y, or z they are going to get burned out and stressed out and taken advantage of (oh, and besides that, they are violating the MC order that funds the activity!) and then they do it anyway! :p

Senior SeebeeWife made an excellent point, however again I have to disagree with her *very slightly*, but only to make a point :)

"The ombudsman shouldn't have to keep doing follow ups to make sure it gets done or have to have more phone calls from the families because it wasn't handled correctly."

Again, as someone who does REFERRALS, if *you* are making follow up calls, what are you doing?

What did you just do here? YOU TOOK IT ON YOURSELF, NOT TO MAKE A REFERRAL AND ALLOW THE FAMILY MEMBER TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM THEMSELVES. YOU MADE IT *YOUR* RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE THE PROBLEM WAS SOLVED. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

I totally understand why you would do this, because I have done the same thing myself. However, if you are routinely doing this, you are acting like a social working. You are taking their problems on board instead of giving them the tools to solve their own problems and stepping back. Again, NO WONDER people burn out!

And if the family is calling you b/c the problem was not solved, the answer is this: Where is the command remain behind element? Also, who is next in the food chain where you referred them? This is what the cmd. Sgt. Major would do - you don't solve the problem for them - they need to start saying "OK, who is your boss... OK, who is YOUR boss... until it gets fixed." Teach them to fish, don't hand them a fish.

I am fully aware that I sound unsympathetic. Nothing could be further from the truth. In over 25 years of military life there is not a single one of these things that I have not done myself, and then been sorry later.

Regarding resolving pay issues, I can only speak for the Marine side of the house but having dealt with personal pay problems myself several times over the years (including several one-year unaccompanied tours during which I had NO KV/FRG and NO command support whatsoever in addition to NO email or phone contact with my husband) I can tell you that it's still quite possible for even an unassisted wife to solve them on her own. So yes, I get a bit frustrated when I hear how 'impossible' it is. Because it's hard - believe me, I know! - but hardly impossible!

My husband is currently on a one-year deployment with no KV and no command support, FWIW. And I can't say I feel the least deprived. This is my third one year and I've never had any help. The other two I had small kids. Two of the three I moved immediately before and consequently was in a new place where I knew no one.

This one I've been alone in the house, so I've run the gamut - loneliness, alone with the kids, I've moved across country to a new house all by myself where I didn't know anyone and had no support group and no base nearby. When I say that it is important to develop self-reliance, that is where that is coming from.

I don't think you can translate a peacetime model to war time and I don't that it is reasonable to expect you should. People aren't dying in peacetime.

I question the premise that the "system" is broken because volunteers don't want to dedicate 2-3 YEARS of their lives during wartime. Of course they don't. That is not wrong. We just need to get better at identifying and training new volunteers. And we need to not have one person (like Miller) at the top getting 90,000 phone calls. That is just wrong.

Again, as Andi pointed out, much of this is personality driven and I have found that very often when people don't step up it is because there is a perception that there is a strong, capable leader who can't (or won't, or doesn't need) allow anyone else to help. This perception may not be correct. I think that I have been this person in the past, so trust me, I understand how this happens. You care so much that you want to do everything yourself.

But you can't. You just can't. And you shouldn't, in the long term, because that isn't healthy for the command. It took me a lot of years to learn that.

[Cass]

On the phone thing?

I have often thought that it would be helpful if the command would pay for another phone line for the volunteer.

If you are getting a lot of phone calls, perhaps it is better not to give out your real home phone? Also, perhaps you need to treat this almost like a second job? Put an answering machine message on with the answers to most frequently asked questions, and maybe even have a daily or weekly message that you change (and that maybe people could skip by pressing a number)?

Also it would help if you are getting a lot of calls if they could leave different types of messages on different lines? If the command bought you a decent phone, you could deal with like types of problems in batches. You could also get help, and have one person deal with pay problems, one deal with child care problems, etc.

This would really make a lot of sense - just because the phone is physically located at your house does NOT mean you need to personally return all calls and also does not mean that you have to return all calls immediately.

Just a thought. This is one area where perhaps throwing a *little* bit of money at the problem (plus some intelligent organization) might help reduce the stress and workload. I would also consider leaving a message that says "this line receives x calls per day. In order to answer everyone's questions, we need people to consider the needs of other family members.

Sometimes people just aren't thinking of other people and they need to be educated. You can (sometimes) leave crisis hotline numbers and most frequently dialed numbers on a special line and also set expectations for how long it will take to return certain types of calls according to their urgency, gently reminding people that the line is being manned by other wives who are volunteers, and even (perhaps) reminding callers that you can always use more volunteers if they'd like to get involved.

I think that is a reasonable compromise, or maybe there is some variation on that which would allow the volunteers to feel they had some freedom but still were not leaving their wives adrift.

Just some suggestions.

[Andi]

"First of all, I never said "I don’t think spouses are whining or giving up".

Cass - I didn't mean to imply you said or intended that. I know better. My comment was made because someone on the outside looking in could easily misconstrue handing off the responsibility as giving up. That's just not the case. As you and I have both pointed out, you can't sustain that tempo. Well, without losing your sanity in the process. Which then brings us back to first base. When our volunteers stop for a break, is there someone waiting in the wings. Sometimes not, if I am to understand one component of this paid volunteer business.

I don't think the system is broken because of this. I'm not sure the system is broken at all, but I do believe it's in need of an update and perhaps a sensible overhaul. I think that when we're dealing with Family Support Groups, we're always going to have two very large problems. One is the tone set by the leadership (and command structure), which will always be guided by personal management styles. Another is how to creatively tackle problems. Not sure about the Marine Corps, but the Army IMHO, isn't really quick to think outside the box.

And yes, I do believe that some FRG leaders create more problems by taking on too much, hoarding information (or believing they are the only ones who should share it)and not delegating. This absolutely happens and often it comes from a good place (though sometimes not). I've experienced this firsthand, and my guess is that most of us have. Please do not ask for my help then not allow me to give it. After a few times, I'm not going to offer any longer because I don't have the time or energy to play a game where the leader seeks help but then can't let go of the project, or is afraid that someone else may get credit for it. It's juvenile, but again, it's a personality trait and well, that's just not an easy thing to deal with. Imagine a brand new milspouse cutting her teeth in that environment. What is she to expect when she moves on to another place where the environment is different?

I don't think you sound unsympathetic. you sound practical. Perhaps too practical for such a personality-driven model. Wwen you involve such varied personalities, practicality often often gets lost in the mix. I'm not really sure how we'll ever be able to fix that.

The other problem is that "issues" vary greatly from group to group and from branch to branch. There is never going to be a fix-all that is applicable to each group, so when we talk about solutions and problems, we do so in general terms and some of what we discuss might not be applicable in certain situations.

Big issues, I believe.

And I do like your suggestion about the phone. One cell phone per unit could be purchased and passed to each FRG leader.

[Semper Fi Wife]

My thoughts:
On the Green side, they need a larger volunteer base. Start including parents as volunteers provided their servicemember signs a document agreeing to this and that they take the training.

Do more things to cultivate volunteers and volunteer leaders. Pendleton does the Leadership Education Seminar.
An absolutely marvelous seminar, I loved it!!

Pink side:
Volunteers need to establish boundaries like with the phone calls.
As hard as it is too...you can't own someone else's problem. This comes from someone who does just that sometimes.

Delegate. Don't take it all on yourself.

At the battalion level (I'm talking KV speak) there ought to be Battalion co-coordinators. If possible, there ought to be Battalion co-advisors.
Along with the FRO and the Assistant Fro (aka the AFRO), this means 6 people are working together.

[Andi]

One other thing I would like to add here. I have to say that I commend the Army for the myraid of courses and resources it offers our spouses. Training tools are there if you choose to take advantage of them and for that, I am grateful.

But, as we've discussed at length, a lot of this comes down to applying what you've learned, which is where we'll always have challenges and we'll never be able to make everyone happy.

Another thing that strikes me, as many have stated on this thread and throughout the time that SpouseBUZZ has been in operation, finding a method of support that works for you is important. Maybe the FRG just isn't for you. And that's fine if it isn't. This is one reason so many spouses turn to on-line support systems. It fills a need for them. I know I feel more connected and supported in this environment than I do in a physical environment. And you know what, I'm okay with that. It's a personal preference.

[Butterfly Wife]

I am a little late to this game. But WOW. What a bunch of great ideas these folks have.

mrssands, sounds like she fell through the cracks. My reservist husband is with an active duty unit. We have not experienced any of these problems.

I think the idea of having social workers assigned to units, someone who knows what the unit is doing and the issues that the families are facing.

For the most part, families leave close to the unit. But that is certainly not always the case, as it is with me. How do we come up with a support system for those families that are not geographically close to the unit the servicemember is attached to? (Phone calls, quite frankly, don't do much for me.) That has been my biggest battle for the last 2 years. Luckily, I was able to find the emotional support I needed online, not through the Army. Perhaps the Army could point people to non-military support systems, like SpouseBuzz and other online support groups, chatrooms, etc.

[Tressa]

Whew! That was a lot of reading and a lot of great discussion.

I don't really have much to add to the topic, but I want to say that I agree with Cass on pretty much everything. Then, I am also a card carrying member of the "tough love" crowd.

I am a Navy spouse and there is a difference between the FRG volunteers and the Ombudsman. Does the Army have an equivalent to the Ombudsman? Ombudsman are volunteers that direct people to the appropriate resources when they need assistance. FRG provides a way to meet with other spouses and is more of a social group.

I really don't think that volunteers should be available to solve everyone's problems. I think the military has already established plenty of services to help with many issues. Chaplains are available for many things too. Navy Relief is there for financial difficulties. I think that we want to help our sisters and this leads to be taking advantage of. I have a good feeling that many volunteers are genuinely helpful and sympathetic people.

I have been married to my sailor for nearly 15 years. A lot has changed in that time. Email and phone service have changed the dynamic of deployments. Sometimes the availability of the servicemember makes it difficult for the spouse to step up and handle problems. It is a double edged sword. I did A LOT of growing during my first deployment.

I do think that help should be there. I am not saying that it shouldn't, but I do think that sometimes people rush to have someone else handle their problems for them. Paying the volunteers will not change that problem or decrease the turnover. I also find that the people who are employed by the military, but not military, are the least helpful. I don't believe that hiring contractors is going to help. I suppose that I am sounding sympathetic and I don't mean to.

As a disclaimer, I need to add that I am Navy and our deployments are different than those of the Army and Marines. I feel for you guys. So, take my opinions with a grain of sea salt. :)

[SigGal]

"ask not what the military can do for you, but what you can do for the military."

I despise that mantra.

I've given enough to the military already over the last 23 years. I served 6 1/2 years of active duty abnd the rest as a spouse. Just being married to and supporting my husband's career has been a sacrifice. He has 3 Master's degrees. I haven't had that opportunity. We've moved so much and uprooted the kids from their friends and schools, sports teams, piano instructors, etc. This weekend I scrambled at the last minute to get someone to fill my husband's vacant spot on a planned ski trip because he had to stay home and finish a project for the Army. No, thank you, I'm not going to ask the Army what I can do for it - I'm trying to learn how NOT to be a martyr.

I've done enough - continue to give and will continue to sacrifice past his retirement Just by being his wife and enduring the unforeseeable meetings, TDY's and deployments that continuously separate him form being with his family.

I see the silver lining. I enjoy so many things about this life. But I had to weigh in here that some people are just past the whole "Ask what I can do for you" mantra. Take my husband to war when you need him - that's his job. And from me - accepting that - that right there is more than enough for me to give.

[SigGal]

The more I think of it the more I realize that Ms. Miller was answering too many calls that should have been handled by a Rear Detachment person. The problem is the folks left behind are usually requiring surgery, retiring or being put out of the Army. Able minded and bodied soldiers are needed on the war front.

I think a Chaplain in the Rear Detachment should be making those casualty notification calls to the families who are not next of kin.

I know Companies don't have Chaplains. But there is someone in the Rear Detachment at some level (Battalion or Division) or a Family Life Chaplain of the post that SHOULD be making those calls. They have assistants, staff, paid civilian employees. They wear the uniform and they have resources 24/7.

This is yet another burden for a volunteer that is far too great.

It is time for the volunteers to say "No!" when it is out of their comfort zone. They should be able to turn off their phones and get a good night's sleep. Of course the families should have someone they can call in the middle of the night - someone in the Rear Detachment - NOT the volunteer leader.

If they say "No!" then the military will figure out another way. If they keep saying "Yes" then it prolongs the problem getting a solution.

On another note, - I agree, the Air Force has a much more professional system for family support. We visited an Air Force Base in England recently and I was amazed at their family programs. Amazed! The Army and Marines should take note!

[SigGal]

The more I think of it the more I realize that Ms. Miller was answering too many calls that should have been handled by a Rear Detachment person. The problem is the folks left behind are usually requiring surgery, retiring or being put out of the Army. Able minded and bodied soldiers are needed on the war front.

I think a Chaplain in the Rear Detachment should be making those casualty notification calls to the families who are not next of kin.

I know Companies don't have Chaplains. But there is someone in the Rear Detachment at some level (Battalion or Division) or a Family Life Chaplain of the post that SHOULD be making those calls. They have assistants, staff, paid civilian employees. They wear the uniform and they have resources 24/7.

This is yet another burden for a volunteer that is far too great.

It is time for the volunteers to say "No!" when it is out of their comfort zone. They should be able to turn off their phones and get a good night's sleep. Of course the families should have someone they can call in the middle of the night - someone in the Rear Detachment - NOT the volunteer leader.

If they say "No!" then the military will figure out another way. If they keep saying "Yes" then it prolongs the problem getting a solution.

On another note, - I agree, the Air Force has a much more professional system for family support. We visited an Air Force Base in England recently and I was amazed at their family programs. Amazed! The Army and Marines should take note!

[Asargeswife]

I would just like to let you all know that I was an FRG leader for about a year. WE had a 22 month deployment and we went thru 2 other leaders before me. They had family issues and we unable to finish out the deployment. We worked very hard thru this to make money for the holidays and also for a great homecoming party. We received no help for anything that we did from the FAC or the TAG. We were more or less told that we were volunteers so we were on our own. I was told what I was not aloud to do though. That was the only time that they bothered with us. They were the first to tell us that we did something wrong. But we were NEVER told what a good job we were doing...again VOLUNTEERING!!! These are people that we are paying for and they would not have a job at all if not for your spouses that are serving. I really loved waht I did and wish that we could have full time jobs doing it. There are alot of families that are out there that have no idea what to do with things when the spouse is away. They need someone that has the experience to help them through things. My husband has been in for 17 years and everyone comes to me for answers. I wish there were more out there that cared enough to show us volunteers that we are important too since we are not though enough of to get paid.......

[FRG guru]

Amen Cass! I thought the same thing when I originally read that new article a few months ago.