Thinking Outside the Box: Military Spouses for Creative Solutions

Over the past few days, as a result of the recent USA Today article, our collective heads have been swirling with thought. Emails between the SpouseBUZZ crew have been flying back and forth. And I do mean flying. You offered your suggestions, too. We don't all agree on the right approach, but I thank each of you for taking the time to weigh in, and for a brutally honest and thought-provoking discussion.

Family support issues are complex. They cut across rank, branch and geography. Peacetime and wartime. We discuss family support all the time, but in a piece mill fashion. It's difficult to get your arms around family support when you think of it as a giant block, which is what I attempted to do a few days ago. I asked some open-ended questions of you, and you answered appropriately. For now, let's take one fragment at a time. The intent of this post is to focus on areas which we have the power to influence and improve. We're "drilling down," so to speak.

Grab a cup of coffee. Here goes:

Before we get started, I'm sure it goes without saying that there is no one-size-fits-all with respect to issues on the homefront. Much of this is common sense, but sometimes coming face-to-face with some alternatives sparks imagination. At least that seems to work for me.

What about a grassroots movement? One that encourages all of us to think outside the box. One that seeks to tailor fixes to regional needs by means of creative thinking. Let's call it "Military Spouses for Creative Solutions" (MSCS).

Next time you hear no for an answer, don't take it. Next time you have a problem that seems to require a black or white solution, neither of which are attractive, paint it red. Next time you find yourself in a room full of dysfunctional personalities, vow to plan your own get-together with non-dysfunctional people.

At SpouseBUZZ LIVE Ft. Bragg/Pope, we talked at length about the concept of empowering yourself, starting your own support system if the official one isn't working for you and being proactive rather than reactive. With that said, much of the following ideas flow from these concepts, which means that someone will have to take the initiative, and guess what? We're that "someone."

Interchangeable words:

Unit = The structure particular to your branch

FRG = Whatever your official support group is called

Virtual Bonds:

First of all, please tell me all of you have an email chain for your unit. Please, please, please tell me that. If not, the first step here would be to create one.

Almost daily, we get email and comments saying that the virtual world has been a godsend to military spouses. This is, after all, why SpouseBUZZ exists, and why it thrives. I know that many of you have virtual FRGs, unit message boards, chat rooms, etc.. But how many of you have a unit blog?

Don't have one? Create one. Just do it. Then use that email chain and invite everyone to visit and contribute to the blog. Make clear that it's not your blog, it's their blog. Some may be skeptical, but I'll just bet that out of curiosity, they'll keep checking back. Eventually, many of them will become involved.

I'm not recommending that this be used as a means to pass official information, especially information that could compromise OPSEC, but rather an avenue to get to know one another, share stories (even the mundane ones) and to reach out to those who, for whatever reason, aren't very involved in unit activities. A SpouseBUZZ for a more narrow market, if you will. It's much easier to participate in a virtual forum than a physical one. You can do so from the comfort of your own home, whenever is convenient for you. In addition, some people are more apt to open up in a forum that provides some measure of anonymity. It's especially great for people who tend to be shy. Once comfortable online acquaintances have been made, personal ones are easier to form. I've literally met hundreds of bloggers and the introductions were not awkward because we had developed online friendships first and had plenty to talk about once we met. The internet, for all its failings, is a gigantic icebreaker.

If you or the chain of command have OPSEC concerns, set the blog to private and set access by invitation only.

I think the idea of an unofficial unit blog (which can be done using Blogger free of charge) is an excellent way of getting to know one another and staying connected. I think it's especially important for those of you who are Guard/Reserve/IA spouses and geographically displaced from one another. Butterfly Wife left this comment over the weekend:

How do we come up with a support system for those families that are not geographically close to the unit the servicemember is attached to? (Phone calls, quite frankly, don't do much for me.) That has been my biggest battle for the last 2 years.

A blog would be my suggestion. If you have no experience with blogs, other than reading them, this would be a great place to start.

Create a "Wow" Moment:

Before the USA Today article came out, we hosted a radio show featuring a Vietnam-era spouse. The chat room was blown away by Elaine, our guest. Cass recently made a comment about what a valuable resource these women are, and it's absolutely true.

Call your local American Legion or VFW. Tell them you want to talk to some of these women. Invite them to speak at your next FRG meeting. Or, even better, invite them into your home. Invite other milspouses. Tell everyone to bring their kids and let the kids play upstairs or downstairs or in the backyard while the spouses are in the living room or dining room talking to the spouses who have come before you. This takes care of the childcare issue.

You will gain perspective and inspiration. This will not be a waste of your time. It will be a "Wow" moment. In the process, you'll be honoring those who came before us, at a time when affection for our military was low.

As for SpouseBUZZ, we'll be utilizing Elaine and other spouses of her generation over the coming weeks and months, so stay tuned.

Face-to-Face:

The virtual stuff is amazing, but let's face it, there's no substitute for being in a room full of people who actually "get it." Sharing our experiences and laughing and crying. That's the reason we have our SpouseBUZZ LIVE events. Without fail, attendees tell us how energized they were after the experience of attending a LIVE event. And that energy can last for days, weeks and months.

Work with your local FRGs and post/base leadership to create your own LIVE events. Create a workshop or panel sessions where you focus strictly on military life, not taking care of official business. Poke some fun at your situation, share stories and yes, vent. Then, after you're finished venting, as airforcewife said at SBL3, "pull your big girl pants on."

You can also request the SpouseBUZZ team (or some variant of the team) come to your local installation.

I Need a Break:

Childcare, childcare, childcare. I don't have children, but this is a huge subject for those of you who do. We hear about it all the time. Having a deployed spouse limits what some of you can and cannot do because of non-availability of childcare, the cost of childcare or other factors. If you think you need a break, chances are most of your peers think the same thing. Yes, I know that some installations have reasonable and liberal childcare programs. But some don't. And sometimes what's already in place just isn't enough.

Start "I Need a Break" clubs in your area. Once a month, or twice a month, or whatever works for your select group, plan a day or evening where people can drop children off at someone's house and the moms or dads can go run errands, take a nap, have a lunch or dinner date with a friend or whatever they want to do with their free time. Might be a pain in the neck to host ten kids once in a while, but it'll be pure bliss when your time to drop-off comes around.

Love My Tanker is a big fan of ASYMCA. See here for details.

Manage Your Surroundings:

There is no rule that states that you have to socialize with spouses in your own unit, or not socialize at all. There is no rule which states that if you invite one, you must invite all. I fully understand that many of the problems with FRGs, social functions, etc. stem from a clash of personalities. This is an age-old problem and one that will never be solved. If you're in this situation, use your FRG as a means to obtain information and join or create a social group you enjoy. Whether it involves spouses from your unit or not.

Buck the System:

I can already feel the push-back here. I know it's coming. But seriously, should your support and information flow really be held hostage by someone who isn't getting the job done? I think not.

If your support group has significant, legitimate issues stemming from poor leadership -- truly poor leadership -- it's never going to get fixed unless someone speaks up, or offers an alternative. Voice your concerns, have documentation in hand and offer some constructive suggestions. If nothing changes, go back to the "Manage Your Surroundings" section. Start your own group. Do not allow one or two people to muck up such an important thing.

Caveat here - I fully understand that this is easier said than done...

Burnout:

Another age-old problem and one that comes at a more rapid rate during combat operations. Understandably so. You have fresher perspectives than I. It's been a long time since I've been an FRG leader, but I have yet to find one who hasn't held onto the leadership position for entirely too long. Not always their fault, I realize this. What's wrong with a rotating model, especially during a deployment? Amy can be the leader for the first half of the deployment and Sally can take the second half. Anyone have experience with a rotating model?   

Community Involvement:

airforcewife is devoting an entire post to this category. You'll read it very soon. But for now, let me throw something out here. In order to alleviate some of the more ridiculous calls to FRG leaders, make sure your FRG has a list of reputable businesses and/or local businesses which have offered their services, discounts, etc. to spouses of deployed troops. A mechanic, a tow service, a plumber, a dog sitter, etc.. You get the idea. And make sure that everyone has this information at their disposal.

With respect to The Army Family Covenant, from what I understand, that money is already allocated. For better or worse, depending on your perspective. In addition, that is Army-specific. We are, however, working to have a spokesperson join us on SBTR to talk to us about this program, and how money will be allocated. Money does enter into the equation (paid FRG leaders, congressionally-mandated funds, etc.), but for the sake of staying on track, we'll leave that out of the present discussion.

These are merely a few suggestions offered to deal with specific concerns you have raised, and to make us think about how we can creatively overcome the obstacles which are standing in our way.

Please note that this post in no way implies that the military does not care about families, or isn't working hard to support them. It in no way implies that FRGs are a thing of the past, with no practical value. FRGs are vital, relevant and fulfill a huge need. The work they do is amazing and the people who step up to man and run them are to be commended. The USA Today article was the catalyst for this post, but the inspiration came from comments and emails from SpouseBUZZ readers, and discussions that have erupted during our LIVE events.

We think of SpouseBUZZ as a compliment to your support system, not a replacement. Some of you use SpouseBUZZ as a supplement to your physical support system, some of you use it because you have no physical support system (geography, etc.) and some of you use it because you prefer virtual support. It's here for everyone, regardless of their situation.

We're toying with the idea of further developing the MSCS model and taking it from a mere concept to an energetic movement. Maybe having a separate site devoted solely to seeking practical, creative solutions to tough problems. A site where you can share your challenges and others can offer suggestions. A place which recognizes military spouses who have affected positive change by taking matters into their own hands. We'll see how -- and if -- it all plays out, but look for a MSCS logo and avatar soon.

If you've run into a problem and found a creative or imaginative solution, please share it with us. If you currently have a problem and aren't sure how to handle it, tell us what it is. We all learn from each other, that's the beauty of a forum such as SpouseBUZZ.

So, what say you? Wanna create a movement? Want to have marches and meetings and conventions and buttons and bra burnings? Okay, I'm getting a little carried away here (I need my bra), but you get the idea....

Comments

[Veteran Military Wife at Life Lessons of a Military Wife]

What a timely and valuable post...I vote to bookmark it somewhere here on the site..I can see people wanting to refer back to it. Well done!

[Erin]

Great post Andi, very thoughtful! Sad to say, I'm one of those spouses who isn't even on a unit email list and I have not been successful with ANY attempts to contact my FRG. =/ The search continues...

[SeabeeSeniorWife]

Andi - Great post, great ideas and obviously great teamwork working behind the scenes to bring all these ideas into one format. Good Job!!

I love the blog idea, especially for reserve units. My only question is how to reach a wider scope of military wives/mothers from other branches in our local area? Any ideas? Contact the local reserve centers?? The women in our unit don't seem to want/need to get together and support each other but I would love to find those in the area who do need it. I would love to establish some sort of a support venue in our area through e-mails and blogs and monthly meeting places. I think it's great to have the support and perspective from all sides regarding deployments and other military issues. It would be great to incorporate women who have been there, women who are currently going through it and women who are getting ready to go through it and need the perspective and resources from the first two groups.

[SigGal]

I completely agree with Mrs. Votel, wife of the commander of the 82nd Airborne Division, when she said we should have paid employees doing most of this work.

Volunteers should be invited to contribute to social functions as they desire and informally giving a hand when families have short term needs. Basically being good neighbors.

I have been saying this for years. Many have. That is why we now have paid Family Readiness Support Assistants (FRSA's) down to Battalions here in Europe. Not sure what's going on stateside.

Yes, the DOD should do more with paid employees. Sometimes the volunteers you have running an FRG may be some of the most dysfunctional manipulative spouses in the unit. They have an agenda - get in good with the commander or his/her spouse and effect changes they want to include bringing their soldier home from war. This is not always the case - but there are no protections against this when the volunteers are not paid, cannot be held accountable for their "jobs", could leave/quit at any moment (even if hours of training have been invested in them). The independent, educated, self actualized spouses are off living their lives and avoiding the catastrophizing, whining poorly managed and time inefficient volunteer organizations. Please do not respond to this defensively in favor of the volunteer FRG system. Yes, it can work when you have a talented person willing to do this for the unit for free. But why have the needs of families hanging and waiting for that slim chance? There is no guarantee there will be a capable volunteer. Having one is the exception.

Frankly, I have been that person for over 20 years and I simply am not interested in the job anymore. Call it burnout or whatever - it is my choice. My husband continues to serve in command positions and even if he makes General, I'm done. I have that option. Volunteers don't get rated or paid by the military. They cannot be held responsible for the program. They do not work for the commander.

So now I'm dealing with my own internal guilt. Am I not being supportive of my husband by stepping down from volunteering? He has never been trained or expected by his bosses to prioritize an FRG. I've done it. But it's not my fault - it's the Army's problem. I've been trained by ACSs and other free courses along the way and learned on the job and mentored by higher commander's spouses.

Like many soldiers, he's been to Afghanistan and Iraq. I have paid my dues to my nation and now I only want to ski and travel Europe and take care of my self, husband and kids. I have so much to do to prepare for our family's transition back to the states at PCS time this summer. That's it - my full-time job.

I will forward emails, but I want nothing to do with the stress of volunteer work. I don't personally like to have social functions at my home - it is just so tiring to clean, prepare the food, etc. I pay a lot of money that I wish I was putting into my family. I wish I could do it without the stress I feel - but I'm not wired that way.

The boards of the volunteer organizations around here (PTA, Community Club, etc) have too much drama for my liking and I'm not interested in working through anyone's else's issues but mine and my close friends.

After 20+ years I'm getting my voice. I'm not afraid of what the General's wives may think or how this may affect my husband's job or promotion prospects. He's reached his goals. I want to attend financial classes for my own family's benefit, not set up that class for the unit. I want to take personality tests and figure out what may be a good second career for me.

I understand this is huge. Thank you for spearheading change. And thank you for giving me a place to voice my opinion. It is not always a popular one, but trust me when I say it comes from many years' experience.

I'm going to do what I love and let the rest go. Life is too short.

[SigGal]

oopsies. Mrs. Votel is the wife of the *Assistant* Division Commander of the 82nd. Sorry.

[Andi]

Erin - Is this because you've got contact information and nobody is responding to your attempts to communicate, or because you do not have contact information for your FRG?

[GuardWife2]

SeeBeeSeniorWife,

Why can't we partner with the "Auxilaries" (VFW & American Legion) and build community in our own communities. If we got folks all over the place that would go to their local chapters and ask them to reach out to the community by creating events for current military families/spouses...the options are plenty. They have meeting space and who knows, maybe they would be willing to use their individual Post websites to allow some forum for current military families. This is a win - win for all. Current military families need to be connected somehow to support each other and the veterans groups need to keep reaching out to the next generation of veterans.

Another option is to contact your local Family Assistance Center. (Can find them by contacting your state's Guard Family Programs Office.) Every state has a number of Family Assistance Centers. They focus quite a bit to support the Guard/Reserves but they are available to support all military families and are especially helpful for those who find themselves away from a large post. By contacting the FAC, you might be able to partner up with some folks in your area that could use the connection and experience you could offer.

[Andi]

SeabeeSeniorWife - You already have a great idea re contacting local VSOs. Something that might be helpful in locating spouses in your area, and something I should have incorporated into this post, is this - use the Military.com Military Spouse Network. They have, I belive, over 400,000 milspouse members. Spouses are creating their own networks there all the time. The network is relatively new, but there are so many possibilites and once it gets going, it's going to be a great place to network.

Below is the link to my original post on the MSN:

http://www.spousebuzz.com/blog/2007/10/virtual-support.html

[audette]

I've been thinking about FRG's for a while. And, I think my best conclusion has been that they attempt to do too much with too little. They seem to be intended to form a method of communication from the command to the spouses, a forum in which you can meet spouses in similar situations to yourself, and a social support network.

I've been to the training, Key Caller and FRG Leaders course, and that's basically what I've taken from it. (in addition to the information about resources to pass along when asked)

Part of the difficulties seem to stem from the fact that as an army sponsored organization, there are a lot of rules that an FRG needs to adhere to, and frankly, there is no way to hold volunteers accountable, and most will balk at the rediculous restrictions. (ok, so I have to fill out how many dozen forms to _volunteer_ my time, including several on a continuing basis every time I do some volunteer work?!)

So, I guess my question is, why does the FRG have to do all of this?

Perhaps it would be best to split it up into both a command communication tree that occassionally provides social networking opportunities (say, on a monthly basis), and personal, non-army controlled social networks.

The command communication tree and social networking opportunities would be organized and run by command. Not volunteers. That could be rear-D efforts, it could be a paid position, but either of those would make this role accountable. These are the people that would send out information from command, and that spouses can go to when they are trying to get help on army-related topics (ie: who do I call for... or, how do I fix my spouse's pay issue?)

The social networks may find their origination in the networking opportunities provided by the command, but may include other elements, and there may be multiple groups, as people find others they are comfortable with, and enjoy spending time with. These would be the people you'd go to for emotional support.

This seems to be what the two FRG's I've dealt with devolve into. I know it's not much breadth of experience, but, it almost seems to be a logical separation of functions.

I do admit to a basic assumption - that given the opportunity for social networking, someone who is bereft of friends will take advantage of it, and will work toward developing friends.

[Erin]

Andi - I filed a thingy with AFAP the other day.

Before he was there, I signed up on the 8th Army SMS, provided them all of my contact info, indicated that I wanted to participate. Nothing.

Went to armyfrg.org to sign up. Finally got on after it took FOREVER to put DH in the system. Once I logged into my unit? Nothing. No information whatsoever.

Contacted the FRSA, gave her my info, said that I wanted to be added to an email list, involved, etc. Nothing. I got a reply and what sounded like genuine concern, but I don't have ANY contact info for the FRG leader and have not been contacted by anyone.

Apparently when I emailed the FRSA, four people visited my DH that day in his office to see if he'd been in contact with me. Thanks friends, I hear from DH every day, but I still want to be connected to the FRG.

Apparently the FRG is down at Yongsan. Online research has resulted in NO available information online, no updated newsletters, etc. All of the posts on the Family section of the Yongsan website are outdated.

So I finally complained the formal way through AFAP. I think this is ridiculous - my DH is 4 months into a year long tour and I've had NO contact with the FRG. I don't live close to a military installation and I have no access to on-post resources and support. My only support comes through the internet.

Sorry I'm ranting, I'm in between classes here at school.

[SigGal]

Audette - I have the same experiences with FRG's as you. I saw friends being made when spouses needed that. That was the beautiful thing.

People with little kids met and started up playgroups.

Teachers traded info on where they could get post graduate courses.

Good stuff.

I like the way you broke it down. We spent 7 years at FT Bragg. Good memories - hard duty, but fulfilling for hubby that's for sure!

Erin - wow, you really have tried! Maybe there isn't a volunteer FRG leader?? Maybe the FRSA is it. The FRSA has a boss. And there is a hierarchy of FRSAs as well. The FRSA should be doing a newsletter ~ but, maybe she hasn't gotten around to that duty yet? But needs a little push form her rater?? I think you should speak with the FRSA at the next level up and also talk with the FRSA's boss and ask who is responsible to send out command information to the spouses. If there isn't an answer, then the rear detachment commander needs to make it happen. Keep asking and don't take "No" for an answer unless that person has the responsibility and are flat out telling you they will not do their job. I bet you'll get some wheels turning that are currently parked :)

[Erin]

Thanks SigGal. Yeah, I definitely have been proactive. I tipped DH off, since he gets sent to AFAP. I wanted him to know that way he wasn't shocked when they read my name! I'll try to keep working up the hierarchy. I'm a very independent and resourceful woman - I can't imagine what other women are going through.

[Erin]

Thanks SigGal. Yeah, I definitely have been proactive. I tipped DH off, since he gets sent to AFAP. I wanted him to know that way he wasn't shocked when they read my name! I'll try to keep working up the hierarchy. I'm a very independent and resourceful woman - I can't imagine what other women are going through.

[SeabeeSeniorWife]

Andi and Guardwife2 - Thanks for the good information. I will see what I can pull together and let you know what kind of progress I am able to make. I lost my motivation months ago when I tried to pull the wives of just our unit together without success but I'm trying to get re-motivated and do something positive that will help others. Although it is going to be slow progress over the next month because I am counting on a Homecoming celebration with hubby in the very near future :) Very excited and can't stop smiling right now!!

[Erin]

Well, I got in touch with the FRSA via phone and I can't say I'm any more satisfied. There's a slight language barrier and I don't think she's been in her position long (possibly just since November). It seems she's my vFRG admin too and when I mentioned that I was pending she said she just went to a training session the other day on it. That doesn't sound too promising... I think she might have also said they were in the process of assigning FRG leaders. Fantastic. Guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. *Sigh*

[Andi]

Erin - Huge props for being so proactive and for not giving up! Let us know how it all turns out.

Everyone else - thanks for weighing in, and keep us posted....

[liberal army wife]

we asked, at our last FRG meeting, for a roster. NO. we asked for email addresses. NO. We asked for a phone tree. NO. The NO - from the unit CO. so... where do we go from here?

LAW

[Erin]

Well, the AFAP manager emailed me back after reading my issue and said that he would email or call me back. I emailed him my number within minutes after his email (during their work day) and nothing yet. We'll see if he calls today.

[aircrewfiance]

This article was rather timely.....

Army Family Support is going virtual....

http://www.army.mil/-news/2008/01/23/7105-army-family-support-goes-virtual/

[Andi]

LAW - I don't understand the "No." Do you mean that he flat out said "no," or that he just didn't deliver?

Either way, my advice would be to make up some index cards or flyers with your name and email address on them. The next time you have a meeting, pass them out and tell everyone that if they're interested, to send you an email and you'll make an email tree, social roster or whatever you want to do.

[Erin]

ACF, I just checked out that website. That would be great for local support, but I wonder if as an AD wife that I can participate, since it sounds like a reserve thing.

[aircrewfiance]

My hopes would be other branches would pick up on the success of the virtual support and would implement the same program.

A soon to be Navy wife... the Virtual Army Reserve wouldnt apply to me either.

I REALLY love the idea of the blog. 3 months into this deployment some spouses i've talked to feel very out of the loop. Especially a few soon to be mothers who flew home to be with their families.

[FRG guru]

Um duh, personal phone numbers, emails and other information of family members are confidential information. They can only be released by the command to the FRG Leaders with consent of the family member and to the other FRG members with additional consent.