Quiet Panic

We have discussed various realms of deployment and reintegration in the past.  I have an experience to share with you that seemingly came out of nowhere and dates back to a previous deployment.

We were scheduled to go to a concert this past weekend with another couple.  We got dressed up - well dressed up for me was jeans and a silk tank top - and hit the road for an hour drive to the concert location.  We arrived and found a parking space right away -it was within very close walking distance to the front of the arena.  All was going well.  We grabbed some sodas and really enjoyed people watching before we went into the concert.  We proceeded inside, found our seats and the concert began. 

The concert was rockin' and I was having a super time.  After the first set, the lights came on for the stage to be reset.  I looked over at the other couple we were with and I saw a look of panic.  It was a look that I immediately understood.  I got up from my seat and went over and quietly asked if they would like to walk outside for some air.  I initially got the "no, it is fine" response, but eventually we came to an agreement that "air" would be nice.  Out we went.  We found a bench outside of the arena and honesty came rushing into the conversation.  The amount of people, the enclosed space, it was just all too much for our friend.

He expressed that he felt very bad for the feelings and emotions that he was having.  He felt bad that he was ruining the evening for everyone.  He felt bad that he could not even go to a large event and enjoy himself or the company of friends.  He looked at all of us and said, "what is wrong with me, how am I ever going to be able to take my kid anywhere she wants to go and be out with my wife and friends at events we all used to enjoy?"

Because we have been long time friends, I felt that it was okay for me to speak up instead of waiting for my husband to say something.  I simply told him that he was not abnormal.  He jokingly said, "well, that is the first time anyone has ever told me that."  We all talked awhile longer and ended up agreeing that it was best to leave the event early.  We left and spent the rest of our evening on the deck of their house and finished off our evening quietly.

The stress that he was exhibiting seemingly came out of nowhere for all of us.  He had seemingly been fine for many months following his last deployment.  However, he had not previously put himself in a situation that was on the same scale as the event we were attending.  He found that it was just too uncomfortable to be around so many people and his stress reaction came to the surface all at once.

This week began anew for him and his family.  He is seeking counsel, reaching out through his chain and to his friends and family for the support and help that he needs.  Our family will of course stand by him and his family and be as understanding and supportive as we possibly can be.

We often read about and discuss war-zone related stress reactions, PTSD and combat stress, but like me, many people likely assume that if our service-members are going to exhibit symptoms, it will be during deployment or shortly after returning from deployment.  In this case and likely in other cases, some people may not exhibit symptoms or seem to have any issues until much later on.  For awhile they avoid certain situations that could possibly make them uncomfortable, thinking that eventually they will be able to handle it and their stress will just go away.  As in our friend's situation, he soon found that things caught up with him.  He thought that he just needed to decompress after deployment and all would be well.

There are many resources available online for those in need.  Your friends, unit and local mental health providers can also be great sources of support and help.  Families also need resources and you can find several here.  You can also search the SpouseBUZZ categories for numerous resource links.

Has your family or anyone that you know had a similar experience to what I have shared?  I am curious to know if others have or are dealing with 'delayed reaction' of stress after a deployment has come to an end.

Comments

[airforcewife]

Wow, thanks for sharing this personal event, LMT. It is so important for us (and our spouses) to know that they are not alone, not "weird", not weak, not any of those deragatory things they might be worried about.

They are very lucky to have a friend like you!

[Andi]

I agree with afw - we need to assure everyone that the feelings they have are not abnormal. Whether it's reintegration, anticipatory grief, PTSD, etc., so many people have the same experiences, but not many of us are comfortable talking about it.

I have an uncle who served in Vietnam. To this day, if we're walking down the street and we hear a car backfire or a loud noise that comes out of nowhere, he hits the deck. Combat has lasting emotional and psychological effects, and I applaud your friend for seeking counsel. Too many people choose to avoid it.

Great post, thanks for sharing.

[armywifetoddlermom]

those moments are sneaky indeed. I am glad you recognized the symptoms.

Funny how such events are still stigmatized after all of the years of war combined.

The interesting thing to note here PTSD, was not an actual diagnosis until 1980 I believe.

I guess we have come a long way baby. But the road ahead is a long one as well.

[MaintToad1]

... traffic. I hate being caught in traffic esp. in the inside lane. Distance. Puh-lease leave at least a car length in front and if I had a vote, at least one car length behind me. Air. I need air. Traffic jams--"vety, vety bad." Eyes. Darting eyes. There? Maybe there? If I were "them," from which hillside or top of which bldg might I perch ... and wait.
LMT -- soft words and kind eyes can be good medincine.
Toad

[Heather S.]

I am so glad that you shared this! I think many service members feel ashamed and weird when they have stress reactions...especially after a time delay. But this is totally normal for ANYONE who has experienced any kind of trauma. Sure, it may seem to have gone away...but triggers can be sneaky and they can be there long after the experience. And that is normal. It is okay and getting some help to deal with the triggers and the associated feelings is okay. And making minor lifestyle changes to accommodate is okay, too. For example, to this day if we go to a restaurant, I look at my husband before we sit down. If he shakes is head, I ask for a different table. I always let him choose his seat first. It's no big deal for us to sit where he can see everything. It isn't noticeable, really. And it doesn't disrupt our lives. It's okay. My husband recently deployed again and we have discussed some of the signs of stress responses and some of the things we can do. I'm glad that he and I talked about it. I'm glad that he is open to getting help if he needs it. And I'm glad that he let me in on what to look for and how he may feel! It is so important for family and friends to be aware...and it is so important for service members to be able to talk about their experience with stress! Thanks for bringing this important topic to our attention!

[Army Blogger Wife]

My husband returned home the 2nd of December last year. We had always wanted to go see Trans Siberian Orchestra, so I got tickets and we went about two weeks after he returned. We didn't know what to expect, but it was not the best idea for us to be there so close to his return. The music was fine, but the flashes of light were what got to him. He finally closed his eyes, held my hand and tried to relax. Overall he did enjoy the show, but not something we will do again so close to his return.

[HomefrontSix]

My BIL had spent a year as a Ranger in Afghanistan. Last Christmas they came to the island and stayed through New Year's. Fireworks are a part of New Year's here and the bottle rockets and M80s and such really, really bothered him. He put his iPod headphones on and cranked the music up with the windows shut and the a/c on in order to avoid it.

It hadn't even occurred to me. He had been "home" for several months at that point and I didn't realize that it could affect him that far out. Now I know.

Thanks for sharing the story. I am doing my best to educate myself on PTSD/stress reactions so that when MacGyver comes home, it won't catch me by surprise.

[Vicki]

Wow. Reintegration. I think of that old movie The Best Years of Our Lives right after WWII.

If there is ever a question why, MainToad1 answered it beautifully.

Thank you.

[R1]

Sarah asked me to share my story; I could never say no to her.

I served in Baghdad (with side trips to Najaf and Fallujah) from March 04 - March 05.

During one mission into Sadr City, I was sitting in the back of a Bradley and the temperatures were about 130 degrees or more. They're not air conditioned and we were completely buttoned up. We were also wearing our body armor and ACH's at all times. Sweat was literally running off of us in a steady stream. My uniform to include my boots were completely soaked in sweat. After about the 5th hour, I started to have claustrophobic attacks. It got to the point that I was asking to be let out but it was too dangerous. I was really suffering but kept it together. The other alternative was for them to restrain me and everyone in that track was watching me closely.

The next day, I chose to ride in a M113 APC. It doesn't have the protection of the Brad. One RPG round will shred it but I didn't care. I have refused to ride in a Brad since.

Fast forward to Oct 05, I flew from Seatac, WA to a conference in Rhode Island. While on the airplane, I felt queasy but otherwise fine. I just put it off to a bad day. On the flight home, I flew from Providence to Chicago. At Chicago, our gate wasn't ready so my aircraft was directed to park on the taxi way. As soon as it stopped, I started having a panic attack. That terrible "I can't breathe; I have to get out of here" feeling. I was actually running through my mind how many steps it was to the door. I grabbed a magazine and tried to take my mind off of it. Fortunately, within minutes, we rolled to the gate. As soon as we started rolling, I felt fine.

In Nov 05, I'm boarding a Northwest 757 to Hawaii. My Dad has asked me to visit over Thanksgiving. I got on the plane and went back to my seat. It was in the rear of the airplane. I tossed my ruck in the overhead bin and sat down. Just after buckling my seat belt, I started noticing that it was very warm in the airplane. Within seconds, I starting having a panic attack. That same, "I can't breathe, I have to get out" feeling. I grabbed my ruck and got off. Northwest filled my seat in minutes. I was out the ticket/money but I didn't care.

Since then, I've been prescribed Xanax for my anxiety attacks. I can fly but only after popping Xanax. I tried reducing the dose but had a panic attack within seconds of boarding the plane.

Was this the result of that day in Sadr City? I don't know. I've been to Army counselors and they say no. I was even referred to an Army psychiatrist who says I'm not suffering from PTSD. All I know is that I can't fly without Xanax.

If you're wondering what Army counseling has been like, the first time I went in, my counselor ended up in a rant and had to be escorted out. He was a former SSG suffering with his own issues. My comments triggered his anger. Two return trips were a waste of time because of a lack of counselors.

My Army doctor referred me to a psychiatrist at Madigan Army Medical Center. We spoke for an hour on the first visit and he admitted that he wasn't sure what he could do to help me but was insistent that it wasn't PTSD. We scheduled a follow-up which he later cancelled. And there we stand. All I know is that without Xanax, I can't fly. I have also noticed that if I'm seated in the back of a van, I start feeling queasy.

V/R,

R1

[Jen]

Our house is situated very close to the post flag pole/cannon. Every day at 5 pm, the cannon goes off. It is easily heard in our house, especially when the wind is blowing - it's even louder.

While my husband was home on R&R, the first time the cannon went off, he reacted. I wouldn't say "freaked out" because that is not his nature, but there was definitely a very visceral reaction. I learned pretty quickly to warn him a few minutes before 5 o'clock, "Hey, the cannon will be going off in a few." It seemed to make him feel a little more in control of the situation to be warned. Now, for the unplanned things.....backfires, etc, I guess all I can offer is open arms and listening ears.

[liberal army wife]

I've been hearing from some wives/parents of returned NGs, that big crowds are a problem. my DH does notice loud noise. lack of patience with fools is something I have noticed in him. The Geek Squad fool at Best Buy is lucky....

LAW

[phyllis]

When dh returned from the 1st tour he no longer likes being inside of buildings. He wants to be outside. All I got out of him was bomb going of in a building and the distruction. I am so scared of how he will be when he gets back again.

[Lemon Stand]

Andi, I have to admit to not posting a comment on this thread because it hit too close to home and as you said, it is uncomfortable to talk about, but it has been on my mind since it was posted.

I was active duty and am disabled due to PTSD and Depression. The panic attacks, the problems from enclosed places and crowds have all been something not only have I experienced but my family has had to learn to cope with too.

Unfortunately, I am not the only one to have these episodes. My husband returned from the gulf the first time and it took months for him to stop looking for IEDs and threats while driving. Eventually, I drove when we went out together so he could 'keep watch'. (This DID eventually ease to an almost non-existent reaction.)

Especially after his second deployment, we had to deal with nightmares. For him, this too, did get better.

Heather S. I can relate to the seating in a public place... yeah, that happens to me but thankfully, not my husband. My family always knows that I have to sit near the exit and my back to a wall if at all possible.

We've learned little ways to cope and it definitely eases the feeling of being a complete idiot.

We see matinée movies after they have been in theatres for a while so as to get as empty a theatre as possible. It's easier now that it has become second nature to all of us to look for these opportunities instead of giving up going out as a family at all.

Army Blogger Wife - Having tickets in the last row near the door so that you can stand just outside to catch your breath is far better than giving up the outing if you possibly can. Having someone to hold your hand and not make a big deal about it is even better.

HomeFrontSix - I think fireworks and backfires are probably two of the most common triggers I've heard of for service members who have been in a war zone. Loud noises and light flashes of just about any kind can be triggers. Our family has learned to celebrate the 4th of July with a wonderful picnic together, then I go home to a really good book while the husband or other family member if he is deployed, takes the kids to the fireworks. They get to come home and give me a detailed description of everything and lately they have even been taking some spectacular pictures of the displays to share.

Counseling DOES help when you find the right person you can connect with.

R1 - keep looking for someone you can talk to. Believe me, it may take time, but it is definitely worth the effort both to yourself and your family.

MaintToad1 - you nailed it. Soft words and kind eyes make all the difference in the world.

Heather S - It DOES feel shameful, especially when it doesn't kick in immediately. There is a lot of guilt and fear of being labeled a nut case. Acceptance and understanding from friends and family gives the sufferer a self esteem and confidence they need to seek help.

Jen - You did great by acknowledging the problem and mitigating it's effects by giving your husband back his self-control! Kudos!

LAW - Lack of patience is a symptom most missed by families and even doctors. For us, this seems to get better with time. Personally I think it stems from the realization of what is important and what's not. After living through a traumatic event, it seems easy to have a lack of patience with people who don't realize that some things do not even rate on the scale of what should be important. It's hard to remember that these people do not have the same point of reference in prioritizing their words and actions.

Phyllis - Don't be afraid. Be prepared. Be understanding and supportive. Having a spouse who is afraid of how you will react to any given situation does NOT help. Encourage your husband to seek help should it become a problem for him. Stress that this does NOT make him a nut case. Offer to go with him, even if he only needs you to sit in the waiting room for him. Help him be his own advocate. Most people need very little time with a professional to help come up with ways to cope until the symptoms lessen or disappear. If he needs anything more, it is much better to get help early than let it fester and get to the point where the road back is longer and more painful.

As AWTM said, PTSD has not been a diagnosable condition for that long of a time and although we have made great strides, there is still so much we have to learn.

LMT - It is NOT uncommon for PTSD to not show up for YEARS after the traumatic event. The key is to acknowledge that it is happening and seek help as early as possible.

Sorry this is so long. I knew that if I commented on this, I wouldn't be able to shut up. I only wish someone had told us all this when we first started down this road. I only hope to let others know that it is not something to feel ashamed of, afraid of or guilty about. Seek help and learn not to let it get out of control for both the member and their family.

[Lemon Stand]

I forgot the most important point! Spouses, children, family and even friends should seek counseling to help them cope if the situation gets too overwhelming.

Sometimes you need someone to remind you that it is NOT your fault you have a loved one who has PTSD. Many times it is easier to have a situation evaluated by someone who is not close and emotionally involved, to point out what should be obvious solutions.

[SFC D]

I understand the crowd problem, my loving wife and I used to spend New Year's Eve in Laughlin NV, where her parents lived. At midnight, with the crowd pressing, and people stomping on the dropped balloons, I had to get outside and QUICK! Understand, this was 1997 and I had already deployed to Desert Storm, Somalia, and Bosnia. Semi humorous addition; I'm at ANCOC at Ft. Gordon, not long after returning from OIF 1. Wife comes to visit for the long July 4th weekend, we're strolling along the riverfront, enjoying the fireworks, walking hand in hand. She calmly says "Honey, do you ever have any problems with sudden loud noises and flashes?" My response was "yes, but I don't dive for cover anymore. Why?" Response from loving wife; "You're crushing my f@#&ing hand!" PTSD is real, it affects every deployed soldier in some way. The military is working hard to combat it, and although it is struggling to keep up with the increasing number of cases, the hardest part (at least from my view as a senior NCO) is getting Soldiers to go for treatment, they still believe it's a sign of weakness. It's not weakness, It's normal to be affected. What would be worse is a service member who was NOT affected by what they've experienced. I don't want that kind of person in my Military.

[Ambone]

I know this is an OLD blog, and doubt anyone will read this, bu I'm new to SPOUSE BUZZ and am catching up on topics of interest. My boyfriend and brother have both been diagnosed with chronic PTSD. They both deal with their symptoms differently. My brother used to work at the Vet Center, but quit after a year because he was tired of revisiting Iraq everyday. He takes A LOT of meds and avoids movie theaters, crowds, loud/crowded restaurants and bars, and despises fireworks. He described his anxiety with crowds to my mother and I shortly after returning home, he said that in combat, he has to be fully aware of his surroundings. Know every body within radius, and assess their threat level, and have a plan of defense/escape route. so standing in line in a crowded coffee shop "sucks." My boyfriend, on the other hand, refuses meds, and tries to face his fears head on. He will occasionally accompany me to the grocery store just to see if he's improving (he HATES the grocery store). His nightmares come and go. He startles awake frequently, breathing hard, sweaty, looking around the dark, quiet room for threats. He has gotten better with driving, all though, he still flinches and gets really uptight when there's any debris, or especially a carcus on the shoulder(this would be a possible IED). My boyfriend can go out to restaurants now, but we go before the "rush" and he has to sit with his back to a wall, either close to the door, or with it in plain sight. He and my brother both get ANGRY when it comes to patience with "morons." They are both in school now, and are disgusted at their younger, naive, "brainwashed" collegues. These things we have all just learned to deal with. But the issue that haunts my boyfriend and I is intimacy. It has improved, but sometimes when I hug him it's like hugging a brick wall... he's just not there... We have gone to councelling at the Vet Center and discussed the issue, but it is a work in progress. I just have to keep reminding myself that he does love me and we are both trying to get through this... Talking about it helps. Knowing we are not alone helps. Understanding and not judging helps. Thanks Lemon Stand, I feel I understand more about the lack of patience, assessing what's important makes sense! Thanks everyone!