One-Way Communication

The other day, I wrote about the silver linings to deployment.  On the flip side, I've already come up with what I think is perhaps the worst thing about deployment: one-way communication.

When something really, really good or really, really bad happens, I hate that I can't get in touch with my husband to let him know.  And of course those things always seem to happen when there's a lull in our communication.  Several years ago, my grandmother passed away while my husband was at NTC.  I had no way of contacting him and telling him that I needed him.  I didn't hear from him until three days later, which meant that I had to deal with all of my emotions on my own, far from family since I was in Germany.  It was torture not to be able to reach him at such a sad time.

Right now I am dealing with the same feeling, though on the opposite side of the coin.  I have something really amazing and exciting to tell him, but I just have to keep waiting until he calls me.

I hate that I can't pick up a phone and share big life events with him.

Silver Linings

My husband has only been gone for four days, but I've already come up with a few silver linings that I'm focusing on.  There are some things that I've decided I like about deployment.

We've Known Each Other That Long...

As the week hurtles toward Saturday and my law school graduation ceremony, I am taking stock of the past two years and thought it might be fun if you did too...

Starting From Scratch

I wrote before about how, during the last deployment, I made so many Pillsbury biscuits that I cooked a lonely ring into my small bar pan.  And then I wrote a few months ago about how sad I felt when my husband broke the pan.  I had planned to bake more biscuits on this next deployment, and now my pan was gone.

What I haven't yet written about was how HomefrontSix mailed me a brand new bar pan when she read that mine had broken.  I started to cry when the box arrived on my doorstep; it was a reminder of how lucky I am to have this SpouseBUZZ community and how all of you will take care of me while my husband is gone.

My husband deployed last night.  I'm ready to get started on another biscuit ring.

The Hard Conversations

On Sunday, my husband and I sat down and went over our finances.  Normally this is his lane, but since he'll be gone he's turning the reins over to me.  He showed me how the computer program works and we talked about what we're going to do with his extra entitlements.  In the course of discussing our day-to-day finances, I asked my husband what he would suggest I do if I did suddenly end up with SGLI money.

Packing and Leaving

I think my husband is the bee's knees, and there are very few things he does that bug me.  But one of them is his packing habits.  Anytime he deploys or goes out in the field, he has a terrible habit of waiting until the last minute to pack.  And then he fusses, cusses, and sweats.  He gets mad at the sea of green in the living room and turns into a real bear.  And even though he too hates that he does this to himself, he never seems to change the behavior.

The man honestly packed for 13 months in Iraq the night before.

That does not make for a romantic send-off.

From Double To Single

My husband came home from work last night and said his deployment got bumped forward a little.  It's not much, but it's enough to bump us from double digits down to single digits, which seems like a world of difference.

And I realized I had done that stupid thing that we all do from time to time: I had gotten attached to his departure date.  When he told me it was sooner than that, I freaked out a little bit.

All of a sudden, it seems very real.

Talk, Listen, Connect: Deployments, Homecomings, Changes

As previously discussed, Sesame Workshop's newest video for military children is now available.

Sesame Workshop Launches Phase Two of Military Families Outreach

The Perfect Storm of Stress

Back in October, I was contacted by a writer from Military Spouse Magazine asking me if I knew of anyone who was going through infertility treatments at home alone while her husband was deployed.  At the time, I didn't.

Little did I know that if she'd waited six months to write the article, she could've used me as a source.

Ick, I'm the Crabby One

If I break in two,
will you put me back together?
When this puzzle's figured out
will you still be around?
--Uncle Tupelo

A couple of my friends have mentioned to me recently that right before deployment, their husbands have been acting like jerks.  This is quite well-documented as one of the Stages of Deployment.  It is not entirely uncommon for the deploying soldier to pull away emotionally from the family, because, as the link says, "From a psychological perspective, it is easier to be angry than confront the pain and loss of saying goodbye for six months or more."

Since my friends brought this up, I have been more finely attuned to the pre-deployment stage in my own household.  And armed with this meta-knowledge, I have come to realize something.

I'm the one acting like a jerk around here.

War Weary

My husband has had a lot of time in garrison in between deployments.  A lot.  So much so that I noticed a marked difference in this time versus last time.

Now, some of this can be attributed to being on a different post, in a different branch, in a wholly different type of unit, with a different mix of spouses, etc.  But I can't help but wonder whether some of the differences can be attributed to deployment being "old hat" in 2008.

Care packages...

Well, we're four weeks into the deployment and I've got my America  Supports you priority mail boxes sitting here waiting to be filled.

And there's the problem.  I can't keep sending LCPL Dark Prince hand sanitizer, lip balm with sunscreen and diaper wipes.  That's just truly boring stuff.

What interesting things have you sent in care packages?  I need help here, people!!!

What's in a Word?

For several months, He of the Sea and I have gradually started discussing his upcoming "big trip" with our children.  There were a few questions and moments of concern, but I thought that they were handling it pretty well and taking their cues from our positive attitude.  Honestly, after Daddy's last big trip, this one should be a piece of cake.  I truly believe this and thought that my kids had bought into it also. 

One day last week, we were talking about something that would happen while Daddy was gone.  Suddenly, as if stunned, my eight year old daughter asked, "Is Daddy being DEPLOYED?"

Summer is coming... what do I do with the kids?!?!

If you are a parent and your spouse is deployed, please read this and follow the links.  I was perusing through the Operation Homefront website and came across a great page that gives tips and insight to the inevitable "What do I do with the kids over the summer while my hubby/wife is deployed?  AHHHHH!!!!"

Have no fear.  Click on this link and read the article about various camps and activities for your children this summer.  This includes Guard and Reserve families as well.  And spread the word to your friends if they have kids and their spouse is deployed.  Maybe, just maybe, it will make the summer a bit easier!

Deployment Gremlins

As wives, we're aware that at the beginning of any deployment, something will break.  For some arrogant reason, I did not think that, as a mom, I would have to deal with the gremlins..

Boy, was I wrong.

A second surprise was awaiting me....an upside to the gremlins.

The Post I Ignored for Sixteen Months

This is one of those posts that I've put off writing for many, many months. It's a post which will garner a lot of discussion through comments and email, or very little. It's also one of those posts which may cause me to get into trouble with my husband. But hey, I'll take one for the team here.

It's a post about....

Same As It Ever Was

This past week, my son deployed.  Lancelot and I went down to the base to see him off.  This particular base is one I have lived at for two assignments and a total of 7 years. 

Ahhh, the memories.  A whole lot of firsts occurred down at Camp "Swampy".

Feel Good Friday!

Looking for an inspiring story or two to perk up your Friday?

Then THIS is the post for you!

He's Definitely Probably Deploying. Maybe.

This post has been a long time coming.  My husband is deploying.  No, for real, I mean it this time.  Seriously.  Why don't you believe me?

In 2006, I wrote about giving my husband permission to switch assignments with a guy so my husband could deploy in his place.  But it didn't end up happening; he got assigned to an Army school instead.  He went to school for a year and was told he'd be deploying as soon as he finished school.  Nope, didn't happen.  It got pushed back a few months, and then, as soon as we were given a deployment date, he was told he'd been made Rear Detachment.

Camp Registration 24 March - 5 May

Military families can register their children for Operation Purple Summer Camps beginning 24 March.  Registration ends 5 May.

What is Operation Purple?

Strange days indeed.

We're now down to a few days before the Dark Prince deploys to the sandbox.  The light Twin is going back to school on Sunday and then we're going down to DP's base to see him off.  I think I'm just ready to get the clock started on this deployment.

The time with family last weekend was pretty good.  No meltdowns on my part or anyone else's, thank God.  I think we had fun.

There WAS a weird development though...

You Really Can't Run Away

The weekend begins tomorrow with the arrival of my inlaws and my other daughter.  My mother arrives Saturday and Lancelot has to leave Sunday for another week's travel.  I had a couple of Aha!! moments this week with the email about LCPL Dark Prince's APO address and making some final shopping arrangements for his imminent departure.  It is real.  It is going to happen.  I have been a crybaby the past couple of days.

True to my nature, I ran away from home today.  I didn't clean my house as I should have.  I didn't make preparations for the arrivals. 

Homecoming

About a week ago, SemperFi Wife announced the return of Cassandra's husband.  Today I'd like to announce the return of Heather S's husband.  Heather has been reading and commenting here at SpouseBUZZ for a year now, and she even flew across the country to attend the last SpouseBUZZ Live event.  I am so happy to say that her husband returned from Iraq yesterday!

Anyone else out there?  Let us know when your spouse comes home; we'd love to have a place to give our cyber-congrats.

Living in a Military World

There are many reasons I enjoy my time living in the military world, and I was reminded of a big one yesterday.  Keep in mind, it has been many a year since I've "lived" military, as our last few homes have been in civilian communities, with civilian friends and relatively civilian lifestyles.  As much as I love those friends, there are wonderful benefits to living on base and having your closest circle of friends understand your life.

Last night, I went to a Bunco game here on base.  As PCS season is coming right up, the primary topic of conversation was moving:  do you have orders, where are you going, have you scheduled your move?  I explained, repeatedly, that my husband was deploying.  Not one single person responded with a pity.  No one asked how I was possibly going to survive.  No one sympathized with stories about their husband's grueling travel schedule.

I understand why civilians respond the way they often do, and it doesn't upset me.  But it is exhausting, especially when you are having the same conversation over, and over, and over again.  As I drifted off to sleep, I thought about what a fun evening I had and realized how different my night would have been if I had been playing with my non-military friends.  And I was thankful that, at this point in time, I am living in a military world.

The Eagle has Landed

Just a little something to note this weekend.

Frequent commenter and dear friend, Cassandra has survived (beautifully) her husband's yearlong deployment.   

He arrived home this morning.  Urrahh, honey, it's done.

Let the reintegration begin!!

The Mental Off-and-On

When a deployment is announced, we spouses put ourselves in a certain mindframe.  I am sure there are many ways of dealing with the news, but my personal way is to start to focus on the things I will do while he's gone.  I mentally plan a trip home to see my parents.  I plan to ask for more hours at my job.  I invite other friends to come visit me, since I will be all alone in the house.  I start to begin conversations with my husband with, "When you're gone,..."  In every way, I get myself ready for the big life changes.

And when the deployment gets called off, it throws me for a loop.

It's the Perfect Storm

So...LCPL Dark Prince is coming home on block leave soon and I am looking forward to that.  That said, I am beginning to feel a little crazed over the details.

First, Lancelot will be traveling for part of that leave.  Not all of it, mind you...just some of it.

Actually, Zero is the Loneliest Number

Last night my husband was reaching for a dish while we were making dinner and he whacked my little bar pan and broke it.  I was crestfallen because he was being a little careless and because he had broken a fairly expensive kitchen item.

But mostly I was sorrowful to lose a dish that held such memories for me.

I quickly reminded myself that there are far worse things in the world than broken dishes, but a part of me is just so crushed.  I had planned to make lonely little biscuits for myself on that same pan when my husband deploys again, and now I can't. 

And something about that just hurts my heart.

PTSD: Difficult questions answered on SBTR

ArmyWifeToddlerMom is so smart!  She initiated a great show on SBTR about PTSD.  You should listen to it for some great information!!!  Dr. Roca, an expert on PTSD who works with military veterans, gives his expertise and some great perspectives on PTSD.  So listen in!!!

And if you have any questions about PTSD, please ask your question in the comments section so we can do our best to get the answers you are looking for.  And if you have questions about TBIs (Traumatic Brain Injury) and how it may/ may not relate to PTSD, listen to the show and send us your questions.  If you don't ask your questions, we can't answer them!

Discount Rates and Larger Boxes

Postal Service Offers Discounts

Perhaps nothing is more anticipated by deployed service members than the daily mail call. Now the US Postal Service is making it easier for families to send care packages with a larger flat rate box and a special discount to FPO/ APO addresses. The new boxes can be used beginning March 3rd. They are 50% larger than the current flat rate box and can be sent to any domestic address for $12.95. A special military version of the box will carry the “America Supports You” logo and can be shipped to any FPO/ APO address for $10.95.

For complete guidelines on mail services to military members overseas visit the USPS website here.

"It Always Happens Like This, Doesn't It?"

My husband received a call from Baghdad a couple of weeks ago. His friend, a National Guardsman, brought bad news. His mother-in-law was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We've known this family for many years and were lucky enough to be stationed near them for five of those years. We've watched their kids grow up. My husband coached their son in little league. They are a wonderful family.

Milspouse Confession #44,658: Silver Linings

If my husband was to deploy, I think football season was the best time of the year. I would become the sole owner of the remote control on Thursday night, all day/night Saturday and all day/night Sunday. No audible screaming or cursing at the television would occur. A blissful existence.

My confession? I ended up putting football on the tube just for the background noise. I even paid attention to the progress of my husband's team while he was away. If confronted with this confession by my husband, I will deny, deny, deny....

The Superbowl is next Sunday. My husband's team will be playing. Can I please come spend the night with one of you next Sunday?

"I Serve FOR My Children"

Blogger and Army wife Sis B just went through an ugly custody battle for her son.  At the trial, her ex-husband's lawyer came at her current husband, Soldier Boy, with this line of questioning:

At the custody trial a few weeks ago, my husband was attacked for his decision to join the military even though he had a daughter. [The ex-husband]'s attorney came at him and asked accusingly, "So your military service is more important to you than your children!?"

And my husband sat up straighter, talked just a smidgeon louder, and said, "I do this FOR my children. I do this so that maybe one day they won't have to. I do this so that they have a better future. So no, my military service is not more important than my children. I serve FOR my children."

His answer was succinct and eloquent (and poorly paraphrased here), and completely lost on everyone else in the room who have never served, who do not understand we are a nation at war, who do not comprehend the meaning of duty or sacrifice. It kills me that he had to stand up to that attack, that he was ridiculed, that they made light of what he has given up.

I find it disgusting that a lawyer would try to use military service to paint someone as an uncaring parent.  I don't know all of the details of the trial, or of Sis B's life and previous marriage, but according to the posts on her blog, it sounds like the judge counted the military lifestyle as a negative strike in making the custody decision.  And that sets my blood boiling.

Deployment does not make you unfit to be a parent.

The Day I Met Air Force Guy

A few days ago, airforcewife wrote about the latest Air Force Family crisis. This reminded me of the day that I met airforcewife (AFW) and Air Force Guy (AFG). AFW and I knew each other from the "virtual world," and had become great "imaginary" friends, but we had never met.

Just before AFG was to deploy to Afghanistan, I received an email from AFW telling me that his departure point would be near my house, and she asked if I would like to get together for lunch. Yay! I would finally get to meet AFW. I jumped at the offer and immediately wrote back that yes, we should do lunch.

Five Words We LOVE to Hear

Last week in the chat room, Marine Wife noted that her deployed husband told her to stop sending mail. Without missing a beat, I congratulated her. Last night, I received an email from Penny, longtime reader and creator of this this MySpace page. Penny emailed to say that she is one of the people who are unable to comment due to our *ahem* techno-gremlins, but she added something else - she's been given a homecoming date.

The Wheels on the Bus

16 years ago in the fall, I walked my little boy down to the bus stop for his first day of kindergarten.

He had his backpack filled with all the things the school said he should have.  He had his lunch box packed with goodies (all nutritious).  His double crown had been tamed, at least for the time being, his clothes were clean and tidy and his shoes were tied.

Space-A Policy Change Benefits Military Families

A recent change in policy will benefit military families wishing to utilize Space-A flights.

A Selfless Christmas Gift

Ben Stein raved about how selfless military families are.  I have a story about one of them.

Christmas 2004 my husband was in Iraq, and I was sitting childless, petless, and alone in my home in Germany.  I tried hard to muster the Christmas spirit, sitting under my tree watching Rudolph and opening the presents my mom had sent.

And it could've been the loneliest day ever, were it not for a selfless military family. 

Oh Starry Night II

G'evening, folks.  Last year, our first Christmastime together on SpouseBUZZ, I let you peak under the tent into what's on my mind at this time of the year, in a post of similar title.  So I guess that makes this post, the beginning of a "tradition" eh?

In lands far, far away, there are US Warriors that are at this moment already looking at the fullness of the winter moon and wondering about Christmas, "at home."  When you're there, it can be remarkably quiet, whether in a bunker or your hooch or at sea or at FL150 ... there's a hush that falls all around you.   Then, out of no where, you feel the tug at your heart and stop and think, wonder what they're doing now?  And for an instant, you log-in the smells in the air, the feeling of your uniform serving it's umpteen hour, or maybe the sight of the strange guy in the next tent wearing new underwear he just got from his girlfriend, who's dancing around with a Santa hat on (always wondering if he's happy or if the perfume-laced BVDs just might be burning his ... yep, those). 

And it's in that instant that your brain stores something you never, ever forget.  Now, for me many years later, this night is the one that I stop, go outside where it's quiet, and begin my search for the moon.  For I know, 14 hours prior, there was a United States Warrior taking a brief second to look up at the moon and was thinking about what we are doing, right now. 

And the damnedest thing about all of this?

Attention all Bloggers, Calling All Bloggers

Mr. Blackfive, of Blackfive.net, put a call out...

Uncle Jimbo and I would like to invite bloggers to send us a clip of themselves wishing the troops a Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, etc. The videos will be put into one BlackfiveTV segment that should get wide distribution to give our troops the maximum opportunity to feel our support.

The rules:

   1. Must be a blogger.
   2. Video clip can be in standard formats (mpeg, wmv, quicktime, etc).
3. Clip must be of the blogger wishing the troops well. How you do that is up to you (except, mimes will not be used...I hate mimes).
   4. Blogger must either send via email or upload to a file sharing site (url of file sharing site to be given upon request).
   5. Please send me your URL of your blog.  We will attempt to superimpose your url on your video clip.
6. Clip can be no longer than 30 seconds. "Hi! I'm Matt from Blackfive.net and I wanted to wish all of you overseas a very Merry Christmas! Thank you for your service to our country. Stewie for Guvnor!"
   7. Clips must be received by midnight CST, Tuesday, December 18th.

There might be more rules later.

I think this is a great opportunity for bloggers, particularly military spouse bloggers to say THANK YOU to those serving! 

Stand

RASCAL FLATTS - "Stand"

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless, like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

Chorus:
'Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what your made of
You might bend 'til you break
'Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe you hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Life's like a novel with end ripped out
The edge of a canyon with only one way down
Take what your given before it's gone
And start holdin' on, keep holdin' on

(Repeat chorus)

Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place - yeah

(Repeat chorus)

Yeah then you stand - yeah
Yeah, baby
Woo hoo, Woo hoo, Woo hoo
Then you stand - yeah, yeah

I've been mulling this post over in my mind for a while. At SpouseBUZZ Live, one of the women in attendance stood up and discussed how some people lose their self-esteem  while their husbands are deployed. That was not my experience.

Dealing With Fear

At SpouseBUZZ LIVE Ft. Bragg/Pope, we talked about anticipatory grief. I told the story about how I planned the knock at the door and my husband's funeral. You can read about that here, and AWTM's account is here. Joan D' Arc told the audience that she thought about the possibility that her husband may not return, but she didn't prepare for him to be injured. I found it interesting that I too had dwelt on the worst-case scenarios, but not the other ranges of possibilites. 

SpouseBuzz Live 3...Remains of the Day

I can't believe almost a week has passed since SpouseBuzz LIVE took place in Fayetteville.  It's also hard to believe how many times a man can say, "Let's just do it and then we can talk" in one week's time.

If you don't know what that's in reference to, you either weren't paying attention in Fayetteville or you haven't watched the archived event at SyncLive.

Even with final exams looming, my brain has processed SBL3 and plenty of good things happened.

Today

Today is a Monday.  Monday is a day where I recharge my batteries, plan my week, and if possible, stay in my "comfies" (moss green velour lounge pants, sweat shirt and those fluffy, soft socks).

Today, I will catch up on my Operation Santa emails.  I came back from Spousebuzz Live to a gazillion emails in my inbox.

Today is also a day of momentous import for my family.

Airport Observations

I recently returned from a week's vacation with my husband and 2 kids (and I am exhausted!).  When we reached our destination I was doing my typical "look around the unfamiliar airport for baggage claim signs" and I saw a number of military families - one saying goodbye and two saying Welcome Home!  And my emotional roller-coaster started full speed ahead!

3 Doors Down Celebrate the Citizen Soldier

The music of 3 Doors Down made me cry more than once when my husband was deployed.  They have a great sound and if you haven't checked them out before, I recommend you do!

I recently received a link to a video being featured on the Go Guard! website which allows you to watch a video prepared by 3 Doors Down as a tribute to the National Guard soldier.  It's a great mini-movie backed by a fantastic track from 3 Doors Down.

Enjoy!

Thank the Troops this Thanksgiving

America Supports You is providing you a great way to thank the deployed troops this holiday and letting them know that people are thinking about them.  All you need is a cell phone!

There ought to be an Atta Girl for this!!

Pre-deployment briefs. 

Right before Lancelot went on his latest trip, he reminded me that the Dark Prince was coming home on Friday.  I must have had a blank look on my face because he then reminded me why:  Dark Prince's pre-deployment brief the following day.  A brief that I would have to attend with my son without my husband. 

Looking back, I'm now of the opinion that my husband planned to be out of town so as to avoid the whole nightmare....

A Safe Year

We thought my husband would be deployed this year.  But when we found out he wasn't leaving and had instead been accepted to a school, our plans for the future changed overnight.

All of a sudden, this became a "safe year," a year with no deployments, a year to start a family.

The Tables Turned

I just returned from a week-long trip to visit my grandparents.  It was a long overdue visit, since I hadn't seen them since before we moved to Germany about four and a half years ago.  And at their age, well, you just shouldn't wait that long between visits. Now, this could turn into a post about being far from family or missing out on the end of your grandparents' days, but we've covered that here at SpouseBUZZ.

This is about me leaving my husband home alone.

Preparing our kids for separation

My question for this post: How do you prepare your children for separation (deployments, TDY, weekend trainings, etc)?

We have talked a lot about deployments and reintegration here on SB, but I wonder how other milspouses prepare their children when a parent has to "go away" for a period of time.  I think this is important due to my own "lessons learned" with my kids, as well as helping other milspouses prepare their children.  Especially new spouses, or spouses who have kids that are "at the age" where some preparation needs to be done.  We're all different and do things our own ways, but your "way of doing things" may help another milspouse.  So, please share your experiences.

Fire Prevention Week Recap

  I meant to do a post on fire prevention during Fire Prevention Week (October 7-13), but like many things, I neglected to do it.

It struck me that like my post, fire prevention can take a backseat to what we perceive to be more pressing matters.

As a military family, however, fire prevention is something for which we must make time.

The Splurge

A few days after my husband deployed, I received a phone call from my best friend, Cynthia. She said, "Hey, I'm coming to Washington. I'll be there next weekend." What she didn't say, but what she really meant, was, "I'll bet you could use some company and I don't want you to be all alone in that big house right now." And she was right. A few days with my best friend goes a long way. Cynthia is the funniest, most optimistic and peppy person I've met in my entire life. Incidentally, I've known her my entire life because we were next door neighbors when both of us were born and our parents were best friends. 

The Flood

I've had a flood of emotions the last few weeks regarding my husband being wounded in Iraq a little over 2 years ago.  Not sure what's brought it back to the surface, but I spent about an hour the other night fighting tears, and then gave in and let them fall.  I was alone in my bed while DH was in the living room.  I wanted to go talk to him and let him know, but what would I say?  How could I explain something that I couldn't even articulate myself? Once my husband came to bed and wrapped his arm around me, I was fast asleep.

Apparently my 7-year-old son has had a lot on his mind lately, too.  For homework he had to write sentences using his spelling words for the week, one of which was the word "prevent" (it's Fire Safety Week).

His sentence: "I wish I could prevent the war in Iraq."

Which is more difficult?

Sarah brought up an excellent thought here and it touches on many topics of the dual edge of the blade, ... for there truly are many more "views from the other side" of the looking glass.

Here's another "view" that struck me very recently ... and it had me thinking ...

What's more difficult -- being lonely over "there" waiting to come home to my wife or being lonely here, waiting for my wife to come home to me? 

Folks ... I like many of you, have that rather unique T-shirt.  And recently walking in the crisp Fall air with my girls here at home, waiting for The Boss to return, I began to think ... Over there, I wanted to come home; while here, I just want her to come home ... seems ...