Sharing the Burden
March 20, 2007|
Andi just wrote about Telephone Do-Overs, and my comment has aparently turned itself into a post. I realized it wasn't so much of a do-over as it was a deeper feeling that arose for me during the deployment. It wasn't about money or child-rearing or anything that most people fight about. It was about the value of my life.
Towards the end of my husband's deployment, I started a fight. My friend's brother was killed in a car accident, and I was trying to get her home from Germany on emergency leave. On the same day, there was a huge snowstorm in Germany and we weren't sure we could make it to the airport safely. We had to weigh our options of risking trying to drive to Munich in the middle of the night vs. not being able to get her home to be with family.
I told my husband about the situation on IM as we were preparing to head out onto the autobahn in the worst weather I'd seen in years, and in my opinion he was too nonchalant about it. I started to get irrationally irritated that I too was facing a sort of life-and-death situation, and my husband didn't seem to be worried. Here I'd been worrying about his life-and-death for 12 months, and I just wanted him to show that he was worried about me, that it was possible that something could befall me while all eyes and prayers had been focused on him.
Over the following days, we worked it out via IMs and emails, but it was a rough fight for me. For whatever reason, I desperately needed him to shoulder some of the life-and-death burden that I had felt every day for a year. For 365 days I had carried around the baggage that he might not make it home to me, and I felt slighted that he didn't give it a second thought that something could happen to me instead. I wanted him to feel one day's worth of the anguish and desperation that we on the homefront live with all the time.
Yes, I know that our spouses' biggest concern should be the mission and that we shouldn't do anything to add stress to their day. And I lived that way for 12 months. But that didn't stop me from getting royally ticked when I felt like my concerns of driving in highly dangerous weather were not valid. Just 'cause there weren't any IEDs on the way to Munich didn't mean that everything was guaranteed to be peachy!
When my husband returned, I wanted to revisit this frustration. We talked about it at length and, once we were face to face, we were able to get to the real heart of the argument. But talking -- really talking -- about fears and frustrations is not something that's easy to do over IM or email or crappy static-filled phone conversations. Some of these big talks and problems can be smoothed over and apologies can be made and accepted, but I think some of them need to be revisited when there's time to talk about them at length.
I know that this discussion will have an effect on our next deployment. Not that my husband should sit around and worry about me while he's downrange, but that he will understand more what we on the homefront go through. He has promised to take it to heart and to put out more of an effort to constantly remind me how special and irreplaceable I am to him. And I know -- and knew back then -- that he thinks I'm special; I just needed to hear it when I was feeling scared and vulnerable.
We often wish for a do-over when some of these fights happen, but sometimes the small fight can lead to better understanding. Maybe not everything should get a do-over, because then we wouldn't learn the lessons we need to cushion us from the next bump in the road.
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Good post. And it's true, we can, and do, learn from these situations, and that's really the important thing. In some ways (though certainly NOT all) each deployment gets easier because we remember things like this and try not to repeat our mistakes.
However, during deployment, I am always aware that I might not get a chance to make it right again, so I do try extra hard to be reasonable, realistic, not sweat the small stuff and do my small part to keep my husband focused.
I think you've touched on an entire new subject with this post too - the desire that our spouses understand what we go through, which is different than what they go through, but difficult nonetheless.
Posted by: Andi | 03/20/2007 at 15:42
Wow - I just love the honesty pouring forth on this blog. Thankyou for sharing this intimate event - I know I've felt very similar emotions. It is so nice to know we are not alone!
Posted by: SigGal | 03/20/2007 at 16:08
That is a great post--and a wonderful point, too, that sometimes those fears and concerns need to be hashed out...that some "fights" need to happen, although they may be more productive when there is an opportunity to revist them post-reunion.
Thanks for the great account of what you went through!
I've told my husband that while I am physically incapable of the work he does, I think he would find that he would prefer his job to my "job"--he has some control, or at least a good illusion of it over there, while all we can do is offer support, pray, and wait. A lot of us aren't used to that sort of feeling.
Posted by: Molly Pitcher | 03/20/2007 at 17:02
Molly, that last paragraph was brilliantly put.
And Sarah, thanks for bringing up something many of us were afraid to discuss beyond whispers.
Posted by: airforcewife | 03/20/2007 at 19:39
my husband has been learning about what we are going through by reading blogs. and it has really opened his eyes.
He does appreciate that I am doing ALL the other stuff. His first deployment in Bosnia, he was very cavalier about what I was doing, and when he was TDY in ITaly and England, I will tell you now I was royally PO'd if he decided to whine. He was living in a hotel, getting his bed linen changed, the room vacuumed... and I was working on getting the house ready to sell... working full time, and he's telling me about his lovely tours!
And I held it in up to a point, (I'd lose it occasionally,) until he got home and we talked (ok, so I yelled some) and I think it helped. We have been known to snipe at each other, but I am glad we IM. Because I sometimes want to say something but right now he's so tired and sick, that I will type it, then erase it and put something cheerful in.
We plan to have some big long talks when he gets back. discuss what bothered each of us and NOT gloss stuff over. We've been known to do that before, and it just festers beneath the surface.
Thanks for bringing this up, it helps to know that I am not the only one who has gotten mad at their spouse deployed!
Posted by: LAW | 03/20/2007 at 19:49
I am the wife of a deployed soldier. He was deployed on July 4th. I have not yet had a fight with him on the phone, nor have I even gotten mad at anything to date that has been said or done. I am not saying that having a fight is not human but I cannot think of anything that is worth fighting about and having that be our last words together.
He searches for IED's to disarm them making the roads safer for our troops. Last month their convoy was hit and they lost 3 young men. Our best friend was flown out with serious injuries and they had to continue on. Just down the road they were hit. This was not his first time being "blown up" but certianly the worst. His back is still hurt from that explosion. I just thank God every day that he is still alive and each time I talk to him it is all about our love for each other. We talk about other things but there is nothing I care about so much that I am willing to have a fight be our last conversation.
Again, I am not saying it is wrong or not human to fight with your spouse, I just am having a hard time understanding it during this time.
I hope you don't think ill of me for expressing this opinion. I know that I am still a little sensitive about it all.
Posted by: Nicole | 03/20/2007 at 22:22
Nicole, we don't think ill of you! we are just letting you and others know that life happens, and its normal to maybe snipe a bit. If you get through this deployment without that, super! Your husband is a very brave man, and we are all grateful that he does what he does. It's keeping my friends safer. Give him my deepest thanks and respect.
LAW
Posted by: LAW | 03/21/2007 at 07:42
I immediately related to the "do-over" concept and to the difficulties of being angry with your spouse when s/he is at war. I realized, though, as I hesitated greatly to post a comment, that I also identify all too well with an earlier post by Sarah about feeling differently about some aspect of military life than others--and feeling afraid to share those feelings.
I feel completely alone in that I really, really, really don't like my husband being in the army. Our fight during his last deployment occurred because he told me that he was thinking of re-enlisting. At the time, we had just lost a good friend in OEF and his boss had just been injured in a fire-fight and I was struggling with severe depression. I was extremely angry with him for even bringing up re-enlistment, especially during such a stressful time for us both.
Our communication was poor throughout that deployment and for quite a long time afterward. We did end up talking about both of our frustrations after he got out (he has been re-called, btw--sometimes god has a ridiculous sense of humor); but it took a very long time to repair the damage. Now when I look back, I shudder to think how I would have handled it had something happened to him during that time.
I hesitate to post this comment because I don't want to be seen as unsupportive because I did not want my husband to re-enlist. I do not want to lose the support that I have found in this community by stating that I want to go back to civilian life. I am immensely proud of my husband and all the he has done in the military. I am immensely proud of all of the men and women who serve and of all of the families who support them. I absolutely support our troops 100%. Feeling unsuited to military life does not change my pride in or support of our servicemembers.
But I do feel alone...so I thought I'd go out on a limb. I've been inspired by the honesty and frankness of others who post to put my feelings out there as well. I've also been inspired by the responses to these honest posts and sharings of feelings. I've been so impressed and amazed by how open and welcoming everyone has been and how accepting of others' feelings. So, I guess I'll give it a try and hit "post..."
Posted by: Heather S. | 03/21/2007 at 21:25
I think that while our husbands are deployed we may be fine for a while and then suddenly a sense of frustration begins to creep up on us. Whether it originates from loneliness, maybe a selfish sense of jealously (what about me!!) whatever the reason it makes us irritated!! Then you have days, weeks, sometimes months before you talk to them to let that frustration brew until you've made a huge deal out of nothing. Then even during those precious phone calls our built up frustration may, and usually will, turn into attitude. The last thing I want to do is fight with my husband when he calls, and I try HARD not to, but I do have a life here and it is hectic and challenging for me and sometime, as selfish as it may seem, I want and need some recognition for it. Not a pat on the back, just recognition. I, as well as all you ladies, am extremely proud of my husband and I know he has a VERY difficult job and nothing I do here compares to the danger and the improtance to our country but as I give 100% support 100% of the time I would love to get at least some in return. It makes you feel like someone still cares and your not completely alone like you feel you are.
Posted by: aemoenich | 03/21/2007 at 22:16
Heather S.: I'm sure there are other women who share the way you feel. You are a brave woman for being so honest and I wanted to thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Butterfly Wife | 03/22/2007 at 13:19
well, i haven't gone through a deployment yet. i have had a similiar situation. my husband is here in monterey, ca at the DLI and i just moved here a week ago. i get here, i'm tired, i'm stressed, i have a rabbit in the backseat of the car (he's our pet :P) and i don't have anywhere to go that will accept a pet. i get here and DH wants me to go and find an apartment NOW. i freak out because he doesn't think that moving is hard. he's never moved like this. he doesn't stop and sympathize with me, he goes on to say that "at least i dont have to learn 70 chinese words in one night." i understand that that is stressful and i did not in any way put him down or tell him that it was easy. i agree that sometimes our spouses, the ones IN the military, do not know what we go through. driving from texas to california is not an easy task. :(
Posted by: dora | 03/22/2007 at 20:28
Heather, I'll take a large bet that there are a lot of spouses like you out there. I'm so glad my son is out. and right now, I'd love my husband NOT to go Active when he gets back! but. We've talked about this alot, had our share of arguments about it. It's the choice that makes sense right now. But I am seeing a lot of marriages around me having a huge problem with the spouse at home saying "enough already" and the troop saying Let's Do It. There are going to be some divorces in the Brigade.
Don't ever feel like you aren't welcome here! we are all in a different place in our lives in the military or out of it.
dora... hats off to you! sometimes our spouses don't think about how much our lives do entail.. finding an apartment NOW is not like finding a hotel!
aemoenich: a little attagirl/attaboy would be nice, wouldn't it?
LAW
Posted by: LAW | 03/23/2007 at 16:35
Butterfly wife and LAW...thank you so much!
Posted by: Heather S. | 03/23/2007 at 18:57
"March on Soldiers" Song
written by SFC Tricia Bear
Our American flag
Symbolizes the values that we believe...
To never give up hope...
And to hold on to our life's dreams.
Stand up tall, proud, and shout...
For in our mind, we have no doubt.
With dedication, freedom, and pride;
With the Good Lord on our side;
We can make it if we try...
March on heroes to survive.
There's a history...
Behind a Soldier's will.
To overcome the challenges...
With the confidence they feel.
Who are Soldiers?
Troops... running 5 miles
With field gear on their backs.
A call for a mission...
Means conquering the front lines of IRAQ.
Facing the bad weather...
And family time...we don't get back.
But the support from our family
Keeps our soldiers on track.
Our prayers may bring them back.
March on heroes to survive.
Our American flag
Symbolizes the values we believe...
To never give up hope...
And to hold on to life's dreams.
Who are Soldiers?
Drill instructors who turn civilians into troops.
Training to think positive
Teaching soldiers how to shoot.
Soldiers live in combat zones...
Not knowing if they will make it back.
The brave, courageous leaders...
Whose coffins are guarded by U.S. flags.
March on heroes to survive.
Our American flag
Symbolizes the values that we believe...
To never give up hope...
And to hold on to our life's dreams.
Soldier's lives have inner peace...
By believing in their abilities.
Standing for honor and values...
Fighting to keep us free.
Living on beans and bullets...
Sleeping in a GP tent.
Watching for the enemy...
As our united forces dig in.
For following the convoy for justice...
Americans salute you.
For your hard work and diligence...
And by helping nations find peace.
Our American flag
Symbolizes the values that we believe...
To never give up hope...
And to hold on to our life's dreams.
Stand up tall, proud, and shout...
For in our mind, We have no doubt.
With dedication, freedom, and pride;
And loyal Americans on our side;
We can make it if we try...
March on heroes to survive.
Note: The "March on Soldiers" Song, the "Country, God, & Flag" song, and "The American Spirit" video can be downloaded absolutely free at www.bearsmelodies.com
Posted by: Patricia Bear | 03/25/2007 at 13:49
Heather, I'm totally with you. I hate my husband being in the military. I have nothing but respect for the soldiers and the families who do this (more every day), but it is not for me. We've been together through Active Duty, National Guard, IRR, National Guard again, and now a deployment, and he's supposed to be done when he gets home (although we've heard that refrain before...). Part of the problem is that he's done his time, fulfilled his contract, and they won't let him out. I definately find it hard to talk to other families, most of whom who are so gung-ho. But whether I asked for this or not, I still need some support to get through these long days.
Posted by: Niamh | 04/03/2007 at 22:35
Niamh, thank you. I understand the IRR thing so well...We had just moved and he had started a new job (in the office of the sec def, no less) when we got the letter. I'd been there two days. didn't know anyone or have a job...plus BAH wouldn't cover the apartment in VA, so I was basically left homeless. We were just talking about starting a family. Now our whole lives are on hold--jobs, family, everything. And all after he had already fulfilled his contract and made the decision not to continue. As disappointed as I am and as much as I feel I am not suited for military life, I totally need the support to get through these days, too. I've found spousebuzz super helpful. I've also found a local reserve unit (I'm staying with my folks in MT) that has an FRG that I've hooked up with. And, my family and friends have been wonderful. Some days are still tough, though!
Posted by: Heather S. | 04/04/2007 at 10:19
Whew!!!!! My husband says I'm crazy. He has been deployed since July 06. I too, get pissed when I don't hear from him. He is staying in a hotel and works very long hours. I understand how busy he gets but I have no support and it doesn't help that when we do talk something more important always comes up. I resent not being part of that priority list. How can I can change how I feel? I know he has time off but he can't find time to squeeze me in.
Posted by: na | 04/25/2007 at 21:04
hey everyone... I was searching for a site where I would be able to find some people to relate to. My situation is a little different from all of yours but Im sure that in some way, someone can relate. I am going through my second six-month deployment with my husband. We have been married for almost a year, and during the last deployment we were dating then..and we were together then for five years. Its been especially difficult for me because after finishing my degree I was finally able to move with him to CA and 3 months later we found out they would be sending him out alot earlier than expected. They gave us a 3-week notice. He was due to go in June.. and they sent him in March. We found out that I was pregnant then too so DH said that it would be best for me to move back to my parents home instead of staying by myself. It was especially difficult because I recently had gotten a great job, we just moved into an apartment together.. and in an instant it seemed like all of that was taken away. He is temporarily assigned in Japan until the tour is over. Now I am almost six months pregnant. DH wont be back until right before the baby is born (thats when they are due back anyway). It has been really difficult for me... at times feeling depressed and alone-- that my husband cannot be here for the special moments of our first pregnancy and first child. A few days ago though.. I made the stupidest mistake ever.. and tried to revisit an issue that we had 5 years ago.. that we had never been able to discuss.. we were having such a great conversation I just thought I would be able to tell him anything. Well, he got really angry and ended up hanging up the phone on me.. two days later his ship went underway for a scheduled month long tour. I tried emailing him... tried apologizing to him.. but I havent received a response in a week (usually he responds thru email or atleast he would call before he left). Well, now I am so stressed.. thinking that maybe he has decided never speak to me again? He has never gone this long without speaking to me after an argument.. and true.. he may be busy, but usually he finds ways to contact me. I dont know what to do or think.. its been hard enough dealing with so many changes and I just wish there was a way to erase my argument with him.
Posted by: Esant353 | 05/26/2007 at 23:11
Heather, Niamh I'm so glad to read your posts, my boyfriend was recalled and I feel like I'm going crazy.
I'm a horrible military girlfriend - I get so upset when he doesn't write for weeks, or when he writes and says nothing meaningful (its dusty, i've been busy). Even when we do occassionaly get on skype I don't know what to talk about - he doesn't ask me anything about my life or what I'm doing or thinking. And i don't want to tell him about anything negative since he seems so disconnected already.
I met him after he'd left the navy (he was in for 8 years, out for 4) and now he's been posted to Afghanistan for 12+ months. The thing I don't understand is how the navy can recall him when he's already done his 8 year contract. No one seems to talk about this.
Anyway, I'm not doing a good job of expressing myself - I seem to be rotating between feeling furious about it, and being very sad and missing him.
Posted by: kss | 06/22/2007 at 04:36