No Telephone "Do-Overs" - UPDATED

I remember my husband's first phone call to me during his most recent deployment. I was driving and didn't get to my phone before the call went into my voice mail. I didn't recognize the number on the display, and when I played the voice message, it was him. I hadn't talked to him in four days. Doesn't sound too bad, but you know how anxious we are to find out they are "boots on the ground" and the clock is finally ticking. My immediate reaction was to dial the number that showed on my phone display, but, of course, that wouldn't do any good. I hated, hated, hated missing his call.

Phone calls are precious. More precious to me than email because I tend to judge my husband's well-being by the sound of his voice.

He sounds tired.

He sounds sick.

He sounds great.

He sounds upbeat.

Liliana sent an email which made me think of something. She writes:

I love all the suggestions that everyone has, especially on deployment. I am recently married and my husband is recently deployed. It's hard to find someone relate to what you are going through. But how do you deal with an argument when deployed? I try not to argue over the phone and try to end the conversation with an "I love you." but sometimes I may be so pissed off that the only thing I want to do is hang up. How do you deal with your disagreements?

We never know when, or if, the next phone call will occur. Personally, I don't want my husband worrying about trivial things while he's in danger. He needs to be focused on his mission. Distractions are no good. However, things do happen and sometimes phone calls go awry. That's just the way it is.

I remember one phone call home which didn't go too well. It had been a long day and I was thrilled to hear from my husband, but the call turned into one of those "administrative" phone calls.

Have you done this?

Did you do that?

Where does this stand?

I handle our administrative matters whether my husband is deployed or not, and he's kept informed on issues he should be informed about, so I was a bit miffed that our precious phone time was being used in an unnecessary manner. Both my husband and I were on edge and the phone call was like none other - and not in a good way. We ended our call saying the right things, but it was clear there was tension. I didn't sleep that night.

All I could think about was a story that an Army widow once told me. Her husband was killed during a routine training exercise. She told me that on the morning he was killed, the two of them had a spat over a very trivial matter. She had no idea when her husband walked out the door that morning, she would never see him alive again. I met her five years after her husband's death. She was still grappling with that minor spat. She would give anything for a do-over. 

I've held onto this story for over ten years. It serves me well. As Sarah would say, perspective.

I think we can all relate to Liliana's question. We cherish our phone calls and we don't want long-distance tension. We can't reach out and make it better immediately. We're at the mercy of our spouse's unpredictable schedule. There is no "redial."

One of my girlfriends had a bad phone call with her husband during the initial invasion of Iraq. Of course, nobody knew what to expect then. Would there be chemical attacks? Would there be thousands of casualties? She didn't talk to her husband for another three weeks, and fretted over their phone spat the entire three weeks. She didn't say it, but I know she was thinking, "what if he doesn't make it and the last memory I have is of us getting into a stupid argument."

I'll bet most milspouses have had at least one phone call they would like to "do-over."

Back to Liliana's question, "how do you handle your disagreements?"

Update: Via email, I received a link to a post which deals with the topic of this post, and is worth a read. After discussing her anxieties, Bette, the author, concluded her post with this.

Those are the middle-of-the-night anxieties, though. In the clear light of day, I know that all things considered, we’ve done very well over the past year, and we’ve been extremely fortunate to communicate as much as we have. The day is coming when we’ll be able to talk things out while we’re in the same room. Maybe even slam a door or two, although I suspect that he’ll bat his eyes at me and I’ll forget why I was mad. It’ll be nice to try some close combat for a change.

Read the whole thing.

Comments

[Butterfly Wife]

My husband and I have been mostly instant messaging. It has worked for us. The Big down side is of course misinterpretation of tone. We have had a few IMing spats, including one where I was trying to be a little sarcastic and it apparently came off ALL wrong and he was very hurt and upset. We cleared that up quickly and I made my apologies on the spot.

One time we were talking on the phone about marital problem #1: money. I was (and still am) new to handling the finances of our marriage, and I was reaching for more control. We had a bad connection and the call wasn't long enough to come to a natural conclusion. I was very upset. So I sat down and took a long time (an hour) to write out in an email all the things I was feeling and thinking about our finances and where we were going. I read and re-read the email to make sure that I had the tone exactly right. Then I hit send. (And the problem got resolved over the course of several day.)

Months later as I reflect on that disagreement, I do not recall feeling bad about having a spat while he was over there (Iraq) and not getting it resovled before we hung up. My husband and I tell each other several times a day that we love each other. In fact, that is usually the first and last thing we say in any conversation we have. Had something happen after our spat and before it was resolved would I have felt bad forever? I somehow doubt it. Primarily because Whatifland is not my principle residence any more (granted, I am still an occasional visitor). I am sure that my husband would not want me to live my life with that kind of regret. (And by the way, it has taken whole lotta therapy to get there.)

My husband and I (probably like most couples) disagree wherever we are physically located. While it is important to try to bring up those sensitive topics before they become full-blown spats, it is not always possible. My husband and I just gotta do the best we can on any given day. Open and honest communication is not always easy or comfortable, but it has made our marriage stronger since both of us are committed and willing to put aside our egos for the sake of each other and the marriage.

(I don't mean to sound sanctimonious. That is how it sounds, doesn't it?)

And I always make sure my husband knows how I truly feel about him. "I love you husband!"

[Andi]

Butterfly Wife - your point about tone is a good one.
With email and IM, tone is often a difficult thing to judge. Something said in person can sound very different than the way it comes across on the screen.

As I said in my post, things happen and we're not always going to be cheery and upbeat on the phone (or in life). But, for me personally, I try to be ultra-conscious of where my husband is and the pressures he's facing during deployment and I think we both let things slide that might irritate us under normal circumstances.

Living with regrets is an unfortunate way to live, but it does happen sometimes, and it's understandable in some situations.

In the case of my friend, doesn't mean when her husband died he didn't know she loved him. No doubt he did. But still, if given a second chance, she wouldn't have let him walk out the door without a hug, kiss and an "I Love You." Though she regrets that morning, she has used what she learned from that experience to create a wonderful life for her and her son, and she's been an inspiration to many milspouses. I'm sure anyone who has ever known her has, at least once, stopped and revisited a situation that had the potential to turn into a bad one. I know her words and emotion have stayed with me through the years.

As is pointed out all the time here at SB, we're all different and each of us react differently to similiar situations. We discuss many things from many vantage points here, but ultimately, it all boils down to this - "whatever works for you..."

I think it's fantastic that you have reached the place you are in now.

[Molly Pitcher]

I really didn't argue with him when he was deployed. Especially not over the phone.

We talked over the phone very infrequently, anyway, primarily IMing. So our conversations sounded mostly like, "I love you...I love you too...so nice to hear your voice...I miss you..." and so on.

We tried to deal with "issues" (like major decisions, finances, car maintenance, etc.) over e-mail or letters and tried to keep to the facts.

Of course, no system is perfect an there will always be disagreements that arise no matter what you do.

I would still suggest that ultimately the non-deployed spouse will feel better in the long run if she or he is the one to find a way to stop any arguments that start, even if she or he is "right."

You are right, though, Andi, no matter what you do, we are all human and sometimes we do not meet our own intentions and expectations.

So, I say the only thing to do in that case is to forgive yourself, remind yourself that your spouse knows you love him or her, and promise yourself to try again next time.

[Jennifer]

During our first deployment my husband and I experienced some of the same issues that are mentioned above. He would want to know about the finances, about what I had one with this or that, had such and such been taken care of? It caused a lot of arguments and animosity because I felt like he wasn't trusting me to take care of this stuff. Needless to say it added more unnecessary stress to an already stressful time.

He deployed again 7 months after returning home, and before he left we both sat down and talked over some things. Neither one of us wanted a repeat experience, so we came to an understanding. Quite simply this - I didn't tell him how to do his job, and he didn't tell me how to do mine. Because it is my job to take care of the home-front while he's gone, and obviously I take it very seriously. He told me that he would trust in my ability to handle things, and never once while he was gone did he ask me about any of the mundane details. When he got the chance to call, we spent that time just talking to each other, we didn't focus on money or repairs or any of those "administrative" things. We talked about the future, and things that had happened to us during the days since we had last talked, but we didn't spend time on things that didn't require the others attention. He didn't run his mission plans by me, and I didn't run my household plans by him. Rarely was there a situation that came up that absolutely required his attention or input. If there was, he told me to do what I thought was best. It showed me that he did indeed trust me to take care of things, and that in turn strengthened our relationship.

This relieved a lot of the stress we had felt during the previous deployment, because we didn't argue about anything or have anything to argue about! (Except for one very loud disagreement about me getting a tattoo, but that's a story for another day!) All in all, we decided not to sweat the small stuff - and during a deployment, anything that doesn't involve bullets and bombs is small stuff, in my opinion! Like you said Andi - whatever works for you.

[Butterfly Wife]

After I posted here, I thought what I said might need to be expanded. It is a challenge for me to get out exactly what I am feeling sometimes. I certainly do not mean to sound like I have all the answers. I know I don't.

Sometimes, in our everyday lives it is difficult to remember to give that hug and kiss and say I love you before we head out the door. And sometimes, it takes our loved ones going to war to get that message.

Andi, you are absolutely right. Sometimes we do or say things that we regret, but fortunately for most of us, we have an opportunity to correct our mistakes (perhaps, as I am doing now). I am glad to hear that your friend was not consumed by her regret. I really am. I am grateful that you shared her story with us. It is a good reminder for me too.

I completely agree with "whatever works for you" philosophy. I was just attempting to share what works for me. Perhaps I need more practice. Maybe I have a tone problem with non-oral media.

Anyway, I expanded on the "Whatifland" comment over at my blog, if anyone is interested in reading it.

[MO]

Tone is a good issue to bring up. My DH and I got into a tiff over how I was stressing over the kids. Instead of trying to "win" I stopped, reread what he had typed, and realized he was right. I then swallowed my pride and told him so. It's not easy, but I knew he was right and I was just hurting and wanted to be pat on the head.

When we look to "win" an argument, we lose much more. This post was quite touching. Great reminder!

[airforcewife]

I take care of the "administrative stuff" whether hubby is home or gone, too. I don't abuse it by never making major purchases without hubby's discussion and approval. And some things are completely out of my league (like technology).

In a huge way, that makes hubby's TDYs and deployments easier on us. I'm already immersed in the administrative workings and hubby is already comfortable with my job.

As for IMing... as much as I hate emoticons, I have become an avid user. As a frequent offender by using sarcasm, they have become invaluable.

[Jeannette]

"Administrative Stuff" - After talking with a marriage counselor about something similar to this (just recently - he has been gone for over five years now) I came to the realization that he was mean because he felt that he had no control over what happened to me. He came from a semi-small midwestern town and was brought up thinking that the man is supposed to take care of the woman. He even blamed his brother for letting his wife put on weight because he felt that if he was doing his job as a husband right - he would have massaged the weight off her, etc. (I was actually stunned when I heard that but did not say anything...because I had never heard anything like that before...) but after talking tot he counselor...I can see that he was angry that he could not be there to take care of me and the house and the bills and the car... and, and, and... So, even though he was sounding off at me - he was really sounding off at himself, internalizing the anger.

Anger being anger will seek an outlet - it always does. If we do not acknowledge our feelings to ourselves and talk about it to someone and maybe do a workout or whatever it takes to get that negative energy out - it will just continue to boil and bubble...right where it does not belong...

I believe, in his own way, he is telling you how very much you mean to him and how very much he loves and cares for you.

You might catch him by surprise, if when he starts doing this next time you can tell him how thankful you are that he loves and cares about you so much because you feel exactly the same way as he does. I'll betcha (and I only make SURE BETS) that comment will bring him close to tears.

[On Odd Sod]

I am so glad to have found this website. This is my first deployment with my bf. He is flying out tomorrow nite for a year long tour in Iraq. It looks like he will be working in the TOC so, hopefully he will be relatively safe. We are planning on using SKYPE to communicate daily if we can. This is all very new to me, so you can't imagine how much I appreciate reading your words of wisdom. Thank you for taking the time to help others, us newbies, through your previous and current experiences!

[jennifer]

I feel like I am alone... He's only been boots on ground for like twelve hours- but the phone systems are jacked up. He just left yesterday-- yeah, the day before Thanksgiving... I don't even know what to say- because I feel like time is running out whenever I talk to him. I try not to cry in front of the children- but it doesn't always work. Unfortunately, I don't have any friends on base- I'm in the military as well- we are both active duty. So everyone just expects me to "suck it up" because I knew what I was getting into when I got married to another Marine. But I have feelings too- HELP?