When Milspouse Practicality Goes Wrong


I’ve been a milspouse long enough that we have the traveling routine down pat.  This works for PCSing, and it works for the trips we take as a family.  We’ve learned where we can cut corners without feeling deprived, and a few tricks to make things a little easier without spending a boat-load more money.

One way we do this is with Groupons.  I love Groupons.  I get them for where I live (and I currently have seven that I haven’t yet used.  All food), of course.  In fact, I think I might be addicted to Groupons in a way that is completely and totally unacceptable.  My mornings usually start this way:

  1. Wake up
  2. Check email via iPhone before getting out of bed.
  3. Check news headlines via iPhone before getting out of bed.
  4. Check MMA Junkie via iPhone
  5. Peruse Groupons via iPhone app prior to getting out of bed.  Store credit card number in Groupon app in case there is Indian food featured.  Text husband at work about various Groupons.  Buy Groupons before husband can text back.  Have husband threaten to send a child up to take away the iPhone if I don’t “step away from the Groupons.”

It’s an addiction.  I’ll own it.  I have it.  I hope there’s a Twelve Step Program for that.

In any case, when we decided to make a trip overseas with our children (for travel, not for PCS),  I thought it would be an excellent idea to sign up for the Groupons of the city we were planning to visit.  After all, food is significantly more expensive there, and we are a family of foodies.  And Groupon has a distinct history of introducing us to some incredible places to eat with very little cost to us.

At first this went well.  I noticed that the Groupons for our vacation city tended to be things like spa days or medical procedures rather than restaurants, but there were eateries in the mix as well.  I haven’t yet had a chance to buy a food Groupon for the area, however, because they tended to (a) expire quickly, and (b) still be pricier than our budget was hoping.  I held up hope that my brain-storm would bear fruit in time for our trip, however,

I gave that hope up last night.

And please let’s be fair to my ability to be happy and think positively – the event that ended my faith in the perfect travel Groupons would have shaken even PollyAnna to her ever-so-bright core.

Because it was last night when the area featured Groupon sent to me was for a Vajazzle session.

Now, I’ve rolled my eyes many a time at my Grandfather’s statements that the world was going to Hell in a Handbasket.  However, I will admit to some feelings of trepidation as to our collective future in the last few years.  Things are harsh.  This is not a Golden Age.  If we are not in the middle of another Great Depression right now, I still think that there’s an argument to be made that the 90s sure felt like we were repeating the Roaring Twenties (except for the hair.  However much more fun things were then, I have no desire to revisit that hair).

Given this Groupon,  I might rethink my position on the current state of affairs.  Not only do we have the idea of a vajazzle session, we also have trained professionals to administer said vajazzle.  And not only that, but we also have  a Groupon for them.

Either things are far worse than we think, and we are vajazzling while Rome burns around us, or we’re totally over-reacting because society is prosperous enough that the vajazzle even exists.

Whichever it is, I would really appreciate a Groupon for some Indian food.

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About the Author


airforcewife started her military journey as an Army National Guard wife, but upon experiencing base housing decided to aim high and made the switch to the Air Force. That's worked pretty well for Air Force Family so far, even though airforcewife holds the spouse world record for Come to Jesus talks with various members of the command.

Air Force Family has four children, two pit bulls, and a Mother-in-Law who lost her mind eight years ago. Despite the reputation of pit bulls, airforcewife would like to assure you that her Mother-in-Law is truly the most dangerous of the group, and is banned in more places than the dogs.

airforcewife gets through Air Force Guy's frequent deployments and TDY's by frequently attending her boxing gym, after the chance discovery last deployment that hitting things really does make life better. She also volunteers as the Ambassador for Sew Much Comfort to Bethesda National Naval Medical Center and in a variety of other causes throughout the year.

airforcewife has no idea what the future holds, but decided five years ago that she wants to be Andi when she grows up.

  • I had to look that term up, because it couldn’t have possibly meant what I thought it meant.

    Except… it did. And then my brain exploded into a million sparkling, bejeweled fragments.

    • F/18-Wife

      bwahahahahahahahahhahahah wheeze wheeze wheeze….. nth you are damn funny

  • Amy

    Why don’t you just move to the Fort Benning area. Bought and used an Indian food Groupon last week .. and since I bought two of them, I can totally take you out with the remaining one!

  • There are no words. But I’ll still say one: ewwwwwwwwww!

  • Another Guard Wife

    I too had to look that up…OH WOW!!! That’s crazy.

  • I had to look it up too. Really? Decorating there?

    I’ll be using my groupon for a facial and a massage next monday. I’ll leave the vajazzling for others.

  • Heh! I feel sooooo much better… I wasn’t the only one to have to look that up. I’m with To the Nth! So then I went and asked the family if they KNEW what it was. I must be living under a rock because my husband and eldest (college age) daughters had heard of it. My tenth grade daughter did NOT (THANK YOU LORD!) and the youngest daughter (7th grade) was NOT even consulted.

  • d`Arcy

    wow now are those jewels on permanent or temporary as what is going to happen when they are pregnant , I guess they will all fall off, too funny, i had to look it up too, what people do for fun , I think that is worse then a tattoo

  • melmaguire

    I don’t care how sexy that sort of thing makes you feel…all I can think about is how uncomfortable it’s gonna be with all that vajazzling going on in my turnouts while I’m sitting in my rig at two in the morning, waiting for the police to clear my scene.

    Not. Cool.

  • Well, I’ll admit I must be a little NOT hip. I had no idea what it meant either. So of course had to google it. The only thing I could think of is what the Mr. would say:
    Hmmm, crystals for your cooter, whoda thunk.

    Maybe I need to get a little more… or maybe not.

    • F/18-Wife

      cooter crystals … omg my face hurts from laughing….

  • could be hazardous…….lmao……what will they think of next…. xD