Welcome New SurvivorBUZZ Readers, and SpouseBUZZ Readers!

SurvivorBUZZ was created to offer support for survivors of fallen military members.  No topic is off limits.  You can come here and discuss your experiences with others who can identify with you and what you're going through. The journey that follows the service-related loss of a loved one is a difficult one.  SuriviorBUZZ  acknowledges that the price of freedom is carried by the families left behind, and will probably remain with them their entire life. 

My name is Jackie. That journey is a familiar one to me. I lost my husband in early 2003. We had two children, ages 5 and 2, and another one on the way.  My husband was killed in action by a suicide bomber.  When I received the knock on the door, I was more than stunned.  I was sure that the crisply dressed soldier was going to conclude his speech with the word 'injured'.  When he said 'killed,' I thought, 'No way. Not my husband.  He is a great soldier. He follows protocol to the tee. He puts so many hours into training and perfecting his job.  He's the kind of guy who is full of life, and lives life to the fullest. He can't be gone. There's just no way.'  I cannot tell you how many days, months and years it took to sink in.  For a long time, my short-term memory was just a blur. The future was a concept that I could not begin to grasp. 

But all of those feelings were secondary to my biggest concern; my kids.  How was I going to tell them that Daddy was not coming home?  I had to do it and I knew I couldn't take the hurt away. It took every ounce of strength I had, but I did it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. They didn't really understand.  I realized then that the years ahead were going to be harder for them. Although it was already unimaginable, It was going to get worse.  I learned to paste a smile on my face and tell my kids, "Mommy misses Daddy too, but I promise that we will be okay because we have each other."  I could see the comfort they felt, and that brought me comfort. Hopefully, I would one day believe those words too. I thought about the baby. How was I going to keep our unborn baby healthy when I felt so torn apart inside?  Eating became a task that I did for the baby.  Could I control my grief, just for the next 6 months, in order to give the baby a peaceful place to grow? 

After our families left, I adjusted as best as I could to my new reality. Thankfully, the kids were healthy and doing well.  We talked a lot, and played more.  I did everything I could to make this adjustment easier on them.  But no matter how well I thought the day went, at night I often found myself in the same spot.  In front of the computer with the phone, racking my brain for a number to call or an address to type where someone would be on the other end. Someone who could offer some sort of comfort or relate to me and what I was going through.  I needed someone to talk to.  My milspouse gal pals were amazing. They were with me through really rough times.  I don't know where I would be without them, but I still needed someone to identify with me.  I wanted the assurance that there have been people who have made it through this, and felt whole again.  Someone who could tell me that I didn't just bury my only chance at happiness. I searched and visited many sites.  

I found great resources, but never the one thing I was looking for.  As the years passed, the need grew even stronger.  There were so many unexpected and unpredictable feelings, and things that happened throughout this journey.  Very shocking things, in fact.  Some good. Some bad. In the coming months, you will hear a lot more about my journey, as I hope I do yours.

I'm guessing that many of you are thinking "How can you tell this story without it tearing you up inside?"  It does tear me up.  My heart is in my stomach every time I think of my husband. I cry. But I allow myself to hurt, because fighting it just does not work.  At the same time, I choose to embrace life and enjoy every moment I can.  I want to reach out to others who are going through similar things, and to those who know, or want to know, how they can offer support to the families of the fallen.  There are a lot of us now.  Our group is growing and sadly, it won't stop anytime soon. 

The goal of SurvivorBUZZ is simple - To support, help, and comfort those who have suffered the loss of a loved in the name our freedom. We do this in a community made up of survivors and milspouses, (in my opinion) the two strongest and most extraordinary support systems on the planet!  In a support network like this, you can find others who not only relate to you, but can answer questions related to support of a loved one or friend in a similar situation. We can share parenting tips with each other about how to best help our children who are missing their fallen parent.  Share information about benefits, etc. If I don't have an answer, I know somebody who does. But mostly, we'll share the day-to-day challenges and successes that we all experience. 

Please do not feel awkward about commenting if you're not a survivor. We're just regular folks living with a unique situation. I hope that this window into our world can help inspire someone to support another by removing any barriers that make one hesitate to offer support. It's a window that is not often opened. Your support is welcomed, and appreciated.  I'm here to help you too.  

Welcome to SurvivorBUZZ!

Comments

[She of the Sea]

I'm crying just reading this, but in a good way. And I have a million things to say but no way to put them into sensible words. But welcome!

[Bobbie Jo]

WOW! I don't even know what to say so I will just send a great big (((((((((HUG)))))!
Welcome!

[Semper Fi Wife]

I really admire your strength and your desire to reach out and help others.

[To the Nth]

Thank you for your willingness to share what will surely be an eye- and heart-opening story.

[kirsten]

Thanks for doing this, Jackie. I appreciate you making this window.

[Jenny]

Thank you for doing this! I really appreciate you for reaching out people left behind.

[Deedy]

Bravo, Jackie! I love you and thank you for opening this up for all of us.

[aggie_mle]

Kudos to you for allowing us into your world. Thank you for sharing..

I have a friend who lost her husband (both civilians) unexpectedly and I hurt not being able to comfort her more.

By sharing your story, you help me understand what I could have done better and what I can do if/when that situation happens again.

Milspouses are a strong bunch.. no one else understands quite like we do.

[Joan D'Arc]

Jackie, your story touched my heart and I can not imagine what life has been like for you and your family. Thank you for opening up the doors for others to heal along with you.

I have a dear friend who was killed in Afghanistan in May 2004. I served with his wife when I was on active duty and when my husband told me he was killed it took a long time for me to "get" the reality of his death. His wife and I remain good friends and she is still on active duty, currently serving in Iraq. They have 2 sons who were toddlers when he was killed. She has shown such strength over the years that sometimes I am at a loss of words (which rarely happens).

A year after her husband was killed my husband was wounded and sent to Walter Reed. She was so supportive and encouraging while he was recovering that I often felt a sense of guilt when I complained about things related to my husband being wounded. My husband was alive and hers was not - was it really fair for me to complain about ANYthing? I finally told her about how I found it difficult to talk about my own struggles since her husband was no longer alive. She told me not to worry about it - life happens.

I don't think many of us really know what to say or how we can help our Gold Star families. That said, thank you for helping us navigate through your experiences so we can feel more confident in trying to comfort and support Gold Star families. And thank you for offering your life experiences to help others heal in ways that many of us will never understand.

Many blessings to you and yours! And welcome to SpouseBuzz!!!

[Vonnie White]

You have done a fantastic thing........you will be a great asset to many people in need.

[Taylor Jones]

hey jackie this is amazing you are doing a great thing!

[Angela Bennett-Engele]

Jackie and others:
This afternoon my aunt sent me a link to this website. She thought it may help with what my mother has been dealing with.
My father, Capt. Steven L. Bennett, was killed in Vietnam...a little older of a story than what I've read about on your site...but the issues and feelings are very much the same. This happened in June of 1972, my mother was 26 years old and I was 2 1/2 years old. She was such a strong mother; did everything on her own for 15 years. She finally remarried in 1987. Many people asked what took her so long to remarry; I don't think they understood how much she loved my father or how hard it was for her to focus on anything but just raising me. My father is a Medal of Honor recipient as well. Many feel that this should make us somehow feel "better" about his passing...but it doesn't. It almost, at times, can make it worse...which I think is part of my mother's problem. The fact that we have to continue to re-live the pain as every time there is a dedication or article, etc. someone is there to ask us "how it makes us feel". This brings me to the reason for my entry. In the last 2 or 3 years my mother has become very emotional about my father. I don't know what has brought up so many feelings in her lately. I don't know what has changed for her. My step-father (who is exceedingly supportive)seems to handle it pretty well but I just wonder how he has to be feeling. His wife, sitting in the chair crying fairly regularly over her first husband. Recently, she has been refusing to attend the dedications that have been done for my father...even the ones she would have normally attended. On one hand I understand, on the other hand, I don't. I'm torn.
I guess I just don't understand the transition from being able to talk about him, attend dedications, speak at functions, etc. to being completely torn up inside. I thought time would continue to make it easier for her...I guess not. I want to help her. I want to understand. I miss my father and I wish to God that my kids could have known him...heck, I wish I could have known him. (Side note: For all of those who are spouses, please do the video diaries, have him do CD's or DVD's of himself WITH and WITHOUT the children. Take more pictures than you know what to do with! Make sure you know what his favorite food was, his favorite song, his favorite everything. Ask what they would have done with their lives if they hadn't gone into the military.
There is so little that I know of my father even though I have family that I can ask anything of. It's still not from him.)
I guess the pain never really stops, it hurts me to see my mother so upset and I wish I knew what I could do to help her. Would any of you have any insight to how I could help?
For those serving and those supporting them, God Bless you all. You are what makes me sleep easy at night! You have my prayers and support.
Sorry this was so long!
Thank you,
Angela

[Marine Wife]

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story. And thank you for reaching out and sharing your strength.

[Kori]

Welcome, Jackie and Thank you for sharing your world. I know you will be helping lots of families.

Hugs for your loss.

[TK]

Jackie, from one widow to another, I can't wait to join the conversation!

For Angela, try the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS): www.taps.org. They have resources for ALL military survivors, not just combat deaths, and not just the current conflicts.

[Jackie]

Angela-

Thank you for asking this question and thanks to your Aunt for caring enough to send you here.

Your mother can be experiencing a number of things. I can offer you my personal perspective.

Grief is a pesky and unshakeable shadow. It is really hard for a loved one to watch another go through the process. Your mother sounds like an incredible woman who has made it through many battles already.

I have experienced times when my grief was triggered by something. More specifically, when have gone through something that I just knew that he would have been the best support through that certain situation. Moments like that shine a light on the magnitude of the loss and what a truly great partner he was.

I imagine that when the kids are grown, my grief might come to surface again. As with many moms, I come last. Medical, dental, clothing, you name it. My grief comes last too. When I feel needed less than I did before, I may allow myself to process some of the raw emotions that I have previously pushed to the side. I am not sure if that amount of time with fairly frequent bouts is healthy or not. A professional counselor could answer that for you, possibly just over the phone.

The best thing to offer her right now is encouragement. Offer her your ear and tell her that you’re just a phone call away. Let her know that she doesn’t have to go it alone. If it is hard to talk about and you’re at a loss for words, I suggest a small kind gesture. It gets your point across with little effort. For example, a short note with a handkerchief enclosed. It can say something like, “Mom- I know that you are strong and that you can get through this tough time. I miss you. Thought these two things might help; a hanky and my phone number. I love you.” Small gestures can make a big difference.

If you think that isolation where she is headed or even with your efforts, there is no difference, express your concerns and ask her to talk to a professional.

Finally, ask your step father if he has someone to talk to. If not, you can offer him your support or encourage him to open up to close friend. He probably is having, at least, some unique feelings since the change. It really takes any exceptional man to stand at the side of a hero's widow. It is wonderful that they have found each other.

I hope this helps you.
Great point about the photos and videos!
That is very true!
-Jackie

[Love My Soldier]

Jackie, you're my inspiration of what it means to be a strong woman, whether civilian or military. Like Joan said, thank you for giving us insight on this part of the military many push under the rug, for what reason I don't know. But I am grateful for you and I look forward to hearing more from you!

[Dennis]

Jackie:

Our hearts and prayers are with you and your family and to all who serve in the armed forces.

[Michelle Nicholas]

I am a surviving spouse. My husband Jamie a Green Beret was KIA in Afghanistan on
29 Sept 08 along with two others from his team, Gary and Rich.
I didn't have the knock at the door. I was outside in my front yard with my Chihuahua when two cars pulled in to my driveway...one wearing a green beret and the other a cross. I knew by the look on their face... I begged them not to tell me, but the Chaplin said he had to...everything after is still a blur...
To anyone who has lost their husband "I am so sorry and I wish you peace".
"Thank you" Jackie for sharing your story and posting this site...

[Stacy Cliff]

Michelle,
I am glad to see you on here. I think of you and Sara often. I can't believe it has been almost a year and a half. Time is such a black hole. I feel like I am losing precious time with my little boy because things are still a blur. If you get back this way I hope you will get in touch. Much love to you girl.