Why Does It Feel So Different?

My girls started school yesterday.  Not just a new school year, but they began their school year at an entirely new school.  The first grader showed only a moment's hesitation with the entire process.  The fifth grader, however, had more speed bumps.

I kept thinking, "This is so much harder with my husband deployed!  If only he were here, this would be so different!"

I realized as I walked from the school building after delivering each child safely to her respective classroom, that I have taken that walk alone, every year whether my husband were deployed or not.

My husband's civilian job is one that starts at the same time every day, give or take, and ends when the truck is empty.  There is no 'reporting late' or taking the day off for something like the first day of school (unless, of course, you knew the date in February and scheduled your vacation week around school starting).  He may be in the zip code and yet miss lots of things--soccer games, dance recitals, daytime school performances, parent-teacher conferences.  And, he's come to more than one Christmas program all in brown, covered in diesel dust, and bleary eyed from the craziness that is holiday delivery season.

I tried to sort things out in my mind--why did this year feel so different if I'm normally on my own for this anyhow?

I realized it wasn't so much the actual school drop-off that was different.  It, like so many other things, was affected by the other moments leading up to and following the drop-off.

No Daddy following you around to be sure your backpack is fully loaded.

No Daddy to help Mommy lug the 93 pounds of school and classroom supplies to the car.

No Daddy to take a picture of Mommy with the girls.

No Daddy to tuck shirts into uniform skorts.

No Daddy to promise a special dinner made personally by him.

No Daddy to cover the textbooks.

I realized that I packed the backpacks, schlepped the supplies to the car, took photos of the kids (and then immediately sent them via e-mail to Daddy), wrestled the kids into their uniforms and made a special dinner once the day was done.  I even covered the textbooks in the required paper-only format and did a quite admirable job.  (Note to the science teacher:  Covering a soft back book that resembles a workbook is not as easy as you made it sound at Open House.  In fact, after struggling with it for nearly 25 minutes, I had to take a break, go watch TV/play Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, and return to conquer the stubborn front cover.  No judgment.  Just saying.). 

It's amazing to me that even though I know that everything is different, even if it looks the same as it ever was, I still have to take the time to noodle it out time and again.  I mean, really, I still go to bed to sleep every night but it certainly isn't the same as when my husband is there snoring beside me.

Daddy missed the oldest's very first day of school because he was overseas.  This year, he missed her very first year at a new school.  Luckily, I'm pretty sure I can count on him to help me take her to college in a few years.  Did I just actually type that my baby girl will be going to college in "a few years." 

I need a hug.

What kinds of things are technically "the same" with your spouse deployed and yet, they are so truly different?  Toss 'em in comments so I'll know what to expect this coming year!

Comments

[Kate]

You are so right! Everything seems different when Dad (or Mom) isn't home, even when it is basically the same. I think my kids are more aware of it than I am, and I probably need to respect that a little more.

Great post!

[Patty Mansfield]

My husband is retired military. In a way, when he is not with you, you still need his help. Not with chores, etc., but with emotional support, companionship, conversation and just plain presence. It has always been helpful for me to write a journal as if I was writing to him or just writing the day's events for him to later read. He would probably appreciate the small things he missed. Remember, you are not alone, you are stronger than you know just because you chose a soldier for a husband.

Bless you and him.

Patty

[Meaghan]

Nice post! My husband deployed less then a week ago. We were high school sweethearts, finally getting married 7 years later (a month ago). We don't have kids yet, but can relate to the everyday life having to continue. I still have to work and pay bills. I feel bad though. My husband was more worried about problems that might arise here than overseas. I'm trying to reassure him I can take care of things. I know it's hard, be he needs to focus on his mission.

Thoughts and prayers for your husband and family.

[David M]

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 08/27/2009 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.

http://www.thunderrun.us/2009/08/from-front-08272009.html

[kat]

Yes, you are physically alone, but hopefully not spiritually. We all wake each day and make the decision to be military wives. There is something so unatural and wrong about spending a year away from a husband you chose to be with, not at all what marriage is supposed to be like.

Bottom line, as a Special Forces wife, I live most of my married life alone. I'd rather be with him a little bit than not be with him at all. Please don't forget that with all of the frustration, fatigue, desperation, and lonliness, we are all there to reap the memories. These special moments that can't be felt through words. Even the tough days will become badges of our strength and courage in support of our soldiers, our special heros.

Things don't seem to get easier, just different. New challenges, new tears, new joys, and new growth.

Wear your badge, your medals in your heart and share them with your brave children for they never did make the choice we have. If we don't sacrifice and succeed, how can our soldiers?

Keep your friends who understand close. We all have these moments and understand your worries. Find a listener and wake every day to make your choice.