Sometimes Normal Still Stinks

If there is one thing we know about being a military spouse it is that many things considered "normal" in our households would curl our civilian neighbors' hairs. 

Usually, it feels pretty good to hear a fellow milspouse reassure you that what you're experiencing is normal.  Many times, though, even something normal can still be pretty hard to swallow.

We're gearing up for the training period that will lead to my husband's deployment to Iraq.  Aside from the fact that we, as a Guard family, didn't receive the typical lead up time or notice, the news has been met at our house with no true surprise.  It isn't a matter of "if", after all, but a matter of "when" so it isn't like anyone can be completely shocked.

I've talked to LOTS of military spouses, read their blogs, exchanged e-mail with them, etc. and I have read a ton of information regarding the behavioral changes one can expect as their spouse prepares to deploy.  I've even reassured readers here at SpouseBuzz that what they are experiencing is normal and that they need to just hang in there, take it with a grain of salt and drive on.

If, at any point, I ever made any of you feel like I was glossing over your feelings or that I just didn't get it, I apologize.  I hope once you have the benefit of a little time passing between those rocky moments, you will be able to do what I did--kind of forget.  I honestly don't remember previous deployment cycles bringing out this interesting portion of my husband's personality.  It could be because they never showed up this often and unpredictably or, it could be that I just blocked those moments from my memory so I could keep doing what needed to be done.

I haven't been posting at SpouseBuzz as regularly as I used to because, honestly, I haven't felt like I've had anything productive to add to the conversation.  Then, my mom said, "Don't you think there are other wives whose husbands do and say ridiculously harsh things who would like to know that everything at your house isn't always a laugh riot?"

Oh, Mom.  She has a way with words. 

It's hard to deal with the yelling, the snapping, the peevish demeanor and zoned out behavior which seems to intensify with each passing day.  And, I'm an expert at 'borrowing trouble' so I've already begun to worry what reintegration at the end of this deployment will be like.  Ugh! 

Our situation is intensified because right before we learned of the deployment, we began the process of an international adoption.  Now, our fundraising, paperwork and everything else has been put on a rush and I'm sure that doesn't help my husband's ability to keep an even keel.  It's harder still because I'm still looking for a real job so financially it's been tight. 

Then, bring on the stress of the holidays!  I'm sure some of you, like me, wanted to make some 2008 holiday memories that will carry the family through 2009's holiday season when you're doing this alone only to have that clouded by a tense moment or, as in my case, an all out come apart.  Truthfully, no amount of reassurance that this is normal makes a person feel better.

So, instead of telling you it's normal, I will tell you--I hear you.  I feel for you.  I'm here for you.  I know it's hard not to doubt, even when you know this person is your other half, that something is seriously wrong with your relationship.  I feel goofy even writing that because it sounds so dramatic...but, if there is one thing about pre-deployment angst--it can be pretty dramatic.

There are definitely things that we know exceed the boundaries of 'normal' and if those things are happening to you, take advantage of Military One Source to get help.  I would even assert that you should take advantage of their services if the 'normal' becomes too much. 

This is one of the tougher parts of our jobs as military spouses.  Once we're on the other side of it, though, I'm counting on being a stronger and more confident military spouse.  I wish that for all of us.

Comments

[Kerri]

As an AF wife of 24+ years, I can so relate to this posting. It is tough when the personalities change -- either before they go out or when they've returned. We spent two years apart because of an unaccompanied tour and now that hubbie is newly retired, I can personally tell you there are some major changes happening. Your words of "It's hard to deal with the yelling, the snapping, the peevish demeanor and zoned out behavior which seems to intensify with each passing day" hit home, big time! So, praying for all of you active duty spouses and for us oldtimers, too~

[Beth]

My husband leaves in less than two weeks and this weekend his double personality showed up. I am taking vacation after tomorrow to spend time with him, but I am kind of dreading it because I don't know if I can handle his emotional rollercoaster and my own.
Things leading up to this deployment have not been good as far as the organization of it by the state so that has added to his and my frustrations.
I just don't understand why our hubby's snap and yell at the smallest things before deployment. I have to keep reminding myself every time it happens that he is not mad at me, he is frustrated at the situation...
Best of luck to all of those out there preparing

[Kristen]

Anyone who is going through this for the first time might also benefit from an online support forum, such as www.military.com or www.militaryspousesupport.net.

[LAW]

we are in the 2 week window as well.. and so far the pulling away isn't too bad. Beth, he's not just snapping and yelling because he's frustrated, he's also already half way there in his mind. and having to pull himself out of the tunnel that is deployment to try to give the family some time, is more and more difficult. Add to that, the holidays and trying to make them all perfect - insanity is reigning currently.

LAW

[Jen]

This is probably the thing I dread most about the next deployment. That lead up time is absolutely the worst part of it for us. And this time, we'll have a new baby in the family, so the situation already has an added stressor.

I know that my husband gets snippy and downright churlish before he leaves - and that it is his way of trying to hurt less when he does. Never works, but he still does it - every.single.time.

Those spouses who are facing imminent deployment are in my prayers.

[tankerswife]

DH did that to me too, only then, despite being a military brat all my life, I had never dealt with anything longer than a 6 mos tdy. Most definitely not a situation where he was leaving for war. Yikes. To say we were both stressed would be the under-statement of the century. And at that time, the Army hadn't gotten around to realizing let alone doing anything about support for spouses. This was back in 2003, right after the start of Iraq.

Now, after he retired and he's gone on several "deployments" as a contractor, we're better able to deal with it.

I did ask him once what his problem was during that pre-deployment period. And his answered shocked me, really. He said that he knew he could let some (if that was some I'd hate to have seen most) of that steam off at/with me because he was secure in our relationship and knew I would understand and could take it. Ok, so big warm and fuzzy for DH. Little did he know that I had no way of understanding, but I could take.

We're much stronger now. And we try to keep from shaking our heads at the "younger" couples as they navigate these stormy waters. I said try, we don't always succeed.

[Penny]

I'm actually the one going through the mood changes.. I don't know who might also be like that, but just wanted to let you know, it's normal too! ^_~

[Leofwende]

I have a feeling it will be me going through the mood changes. I'll be in denial until the pre-deployment briefings start next month, and then my stress levels will start going up. I just hope they dip again between NTC and his deployment, as we've heard it may be several months and have no specific dates yet. I'm not sure if I could stand several months of pending deployment stress. I am liable to start fights over stupid things and burst into tears for no reason when my stress levels get that high.

[Ali]

Just wanted to say thanks to all of the commenters who have contributed to this post! DH is deploying within the month, and fortunately he's not doing any of the behaviors Guard Wife mentioned...yet. Reading through her and the commenters' experiences has given me a new understanding that there are different definitions of "normal." It also gives me a sense of relief to hear that things might get a little weird before he goes, but that's just part of predeployment, and we can get through it! I really appreciate the advice and experience from those who have been through it all before - thank you for sharing! :)

[Beth]

Well the hubbby left on Friday and we actually didn't have any of the "meltdowns" that I thought we were going to have. We were both able to diffuse it before it happened.
I think that since we were both expecting it to happen we were more aware of it. Also one of our good friends' marriage collapsed while we were preparing to deploy so that made us even stronger.
Now if only the state could get their act together then everthing would be "perfect".