From the Mailbag: Decisions, Decisions

How timely that this email came in:

I am getting married soon to a wonderful man who just completed 6 years of service in the Air Force.  We reunited when he got out in January 2008 and are now engaged and planning to be married early in 2009.  I have never been involved in the military life before and don't have any friends who are.  We have done some talking and he is considering enlisting back into the Air Force once we are married.  I would like to hear some advice from other military wives and anyone who knows both lifestyles.  He says its up to me whether he does or not, because once he signs that paperwork we're in for at least 4 years.  He's explained some things to me, but things from his point of view are different then I would imagine a military wife's point of view would be.
I want to know the good, bad, and ugly....  it's an important decision that will change our lives.
 
I really appreciate it.  So thanks to anyone who gives me testimonials or advice.

For two reasons...

First, I had a conversation several weeks ago with two milspouses, one of whom argued that not everyone is cut out for this life. I've been meaning to write about it, but haven't gotten around to it. It's a complex subject and the discussion was lively and interesting. I truly wish I had it on tape. I want to revisit this later, give it proper context and get your opinions. But for now, I will add something that came out of the conversation. Something I think almost all of us can agree on is that you truly do not know what you're getting into when you marry into the military. Our lives are unpredictable. They hinge on world events, something that none of us can control. That, I think, is something every new milspouse should know going in.

Second, I think this is a good time to hear your stories. I'd love to know how the transition was for you. Did you embrace milspousedom from the start? Was it an easy adjustment for you, or a tough one? Any regrets?

Nobody can tell our emailer what she should do. We don't know her circumstances or family dynamic, and in the end, we all have to do what's right for our own families. However, she asked for the good, bad and ugly, and that we can deliver, based on our own varied perspectives. So, let's hear it.... 

And by the way, we're about to welcome another gal into the milspouse club. Someone who has contributed here and engaged us in conversation for many months now. Congratulations are in order! And I'll be watching her closely because I know she has several milspouse blogger friends and has been an avid reader of milspouse blogs for a while now. I'm anxious to see if any of that prepared her for the real thing. My guess is she'll say no because nothing, and I mean nothing, can prepare one for shopping at the commissary on payday. Heh.

Speaking of significant others, I'd love to know how you approach this topic. What are you looking at when deciding whether or not you want to marry a military man? 

Comments

[Tucker]

I can't say that I had much say in the matter... I was in love with a career soldier so an Army wife I would be. But as someone who is independent and used to having a say in how my life goes, having life dictated by the Army and world events can be truly maddening. Also, my career field is quite small, so the relocations and expectations (schools, etc) can make finding jobs difficult, as I am finding out now. And there is a whole other culture to fit into and understand, but that isn't a bad thing, just different. However, all that being said, I wouldn't change a thing!

[ArmyReserveWife]

I met ArmyReserveGuy when he was still a TPU (drill 2 wks a year, and 1 weekend a month) we got married and he had an instant family. (I had two daughters) So he had a BS in Journalism and was working at a newspaper as business and news editor. Well once we got married and after starting to pay insurance for a family he was only netting around $500 every 2 wks. So 9 months after we got married he got deployed to Bosnia (2nd rotation) and for me it was scary, but financially it was great. So he went and applied for the AGR program and we have been active ever since. In today's economy he is making 3-4x what he was as a journalist. Plus the benefits are worth every minute. Life isn't easy in the military, but the benefits out way all the cons.

[Tootie]

She might want to talk to spouses that are married to someone in a similar career field (whatever field her husband would likely go into). They might be able to give her a more accurate picture of deployments, how often they typically move, etc.

Although, like everything else in the military, it could certainly change or be unpredictable! :)

[Mrs. Puzzle Piece]

I have been married to my DH for about 19 months now and have been skulking in the spousebuzz shadows ever since. I have never posted before but this topic really hits home. About 9 months ago I moved with my DH to a new duty station and 3 months later he deployed. Being my first PCS, this has been quite a learning experience! I too fell in love with a career Army guy so here I am in milspouse land. I would not trade him for anything. In fact, I just told him today that I would rather have him, deployed, then not have him at all. We were extremely fortunate to spend the first year of our marriage together and we laid the foundation for our relationship during that time. I was an independent career gal with a great job that I left to follow "the path". DH's career path that is.
I have been applying for jobs for 6 months with no luck so far. I strive to not take every rejection personally since all of my job experience is out of state and I smell like I may PCS at any moment. I have never had this much trouble getting a job before but I know the right situation will come along eventually. Thank god the job is mostly for my own sanity and we don't have to rely on it to make ends-meet. I volunteer to keep myself busy and so I have someone to talk to other than the dog!
I will not lie, this life is hard sometimes. But the family I have found here with other milspouses is incredible. I do believe that not every personality type is suited well to the challenges of milspouse life. I watch many a milspouse make poor choices that lead them down the road to infidelity, debt, alcoholism etc... Life is about choices and the little ones seem to count for a lot as a milspouse. Marriage is not 50/50 it is often 80/20 or 90/10. One person sacrifices as the other grows and visa verse. Although,that 80 or 20 percent can feel like dead weight as you learn to reinvent your life after DH leaves.
I believe that this experience so far has made me a better person. I have learned more about my inner self in the last 6 months than any other time in my life. My relationship with DH has grown as well..one key stroke and care package at a time. (He even sent me one!) Being a milspouse to me feels like signing up for a relationship-gauntlet-game-show at times. While you may occasionally look at the course ahead and feel overwhelmed, each test you over come makes you feel like you and your DH can conquer anything together. That's my 23 cents worth...thanks for listening

[Mrs. Puzzle Piece]

I have been married to my DH for about 19 months now and have been skulking in the spousebuzz shadows ever since. I have never posted before but this topic really hits home. About 9 months ago I moved with my DH to a new duty station and 3 months later he deployed. Being my first PCS, this has been quite a learning experience! I too fell in love with a career Army guy so here I am in milspouse land. I would not trade him for anything. In fact, I just told him today that I would rather have him, deployed, then not have him at all. We were extremely fortunate to spend the first year of our marriage together and we laid the foundation for our relationship during that time. I was an independent career gal with a great job that I left to follow "the path". DH's career path that is.
I have been applying for jobs for 6 months with no luck so far. I strive to not take every rejection personally since all of my job experience is out of state and I smell like I may PCS at any moment. I have never had this much trouble getting a job before but I know the right situation will come along eventually. Thank god the job is mostly for my own sanity and we don't have to rely on it to make ends-meet. I volunteer to keep myself busy and so I have someone to talk to other than the dog!
I will not lie, this life is hard sometimes. But the family I have found here with other milspouses is incredible. I do believe that not every personality type is suited well to the challenges of milspouse life. I watch many a milspouse make poor choices that lead them down the road to infidelity, debt, alcoholism etc... Life is about choices and the little ones seem to count for a lot as a milspouse. Marriage is not 50/50 it is often 80/20 or 90/10. One person sacrifices as the other grows and visa verse. Although,that 80 or 20 percent can feel like dead weight as you learn to reinvent your life after DH leaves.
I believe that this experience so far has made me a better person. I have learned more about my inner self in the last 6 months than any other time in my life. My relationship with DH has grown as well..one key stroke and care package at a time. (He even sent me one!) Being a milspouse to me feels like signing up for a relationship-gauntlet-game-show at times. While you may occasionally look at the course ahead and feel overwhelmed, each test you over come makes you feel like you and your DH can conquer anything together. That's my 23 cents worth...thanks for listening

[Andi]

Mrs. Puzzle Piece - Wow, your comment is insightful and so uplifting. Sounds like you have a great attitude, which helps make it through the tough times.

I'm glad you de-lurked and joined the conversation.

Tootie - Great advice!

[Sarah]

Mrs Puzzle Piece -- Thank you so much for delurking and sharing your story.

My husband and I got married after he signed the papers but before he actually showed up to work. So this life is all we've ever known. But it suits me.

It's a lot of alone time and a lot of worry, but I too think it's worth it.

[Mrs. Puzzle Piece]

sorry I posted it twice...the "notepad" thingy said it had an error!

[Jessie]

I'm not technically a spouse yet, but I'm engaged to my very own GI Joe and I've been raised around the NAVY and ARMY (the army/navy fb game was always a huge event and a rowdy one growing up! but that is for another time!).

One thing I have learned as GI Joe and I dated, and now have spent time engaged is that I can survive not having total control of my life. I'm also a lot closer to my guy than my other engaged friends are, just because we've had deployments already to practice the art! I'm not looking forward to sharing him with the army, but like it was said already- I'm totally in love and I'd rather he be mine and live totally around the world, than not be mine at all! Plus, my job will be pretty flexible when we PCS (I'm figuring that will happen a few...ok lots! of times)! But any job, civilian or military and any marriage has its ups and downs, its built in hardships. What I want to know is...is there an AA type class for Geardos, cuz he is one!?!

[tankerswife]

This post got me to thinking I should change my moniker to militarybrat. I realized that my experiences have been more than just tankerswife. I have been associated with one branch of the military or another my whole life. Once I turned that magical age (10) and got my first ID card, I've held one everyday of my life except for 3 horrible years. Ok, they weren't horrible but it definitely was eye-opening. I truly thought everyone's parents had 2 sets of wardrobes...uniforms and weekend wear.
Seriously though, I realize that my experiences aren't typical nor may be of significant help. I have to admit that I usually had little to no patience for the spouses that couldn't hack it. And that was at a time when we were an "army at peace". When the guys would be gone for no more than 30 days downrange, or a few months at some school or another. I'm not talking about spouses that had bad days, or even a bad week. I'm talking about the ones that would go off the deep end, calling and freaking out at other spouses. Hitting the town hard, destroying their marriages because they couldn't be alone for more than a night or two. Although I more than understand the loneliness and overwhelming pressure of having to do it all, I've never understood that reaction or behavior.
The military more than just about anything else out there is more than just a job. Its a lifestyle choice. Its a life of acceptance.
Its accepting that you are going to move, often most likely. Its accepting that you are most likely going to have to learn to do things for yourself that you never even contemplated, and perhaps for others. Its accepting that you will spend many nights alone, missing your other half, but knowing you have to suck it up and take each day as it comes.
Its also accepting that you will see fantastic places and experience other cultures. Its accepting that you will have such immense emotions of pride and joy when you see your spouses accomplishments, accomplishments s/he most likely would not have made without your love and support. Its accepting that you will meet wonderful people that will become life-long friends that will see you through thick and thin. Its accepting that you will be overwhelmed with love when you hold your spouse, even though s/he hasn't showered in a month and is worn out, when you get to hold him/her again.
Military life teaches you to be independent, but accept the support of awesome people that share a great bond forged in blood and tears and happiness. It's a family that is always changing. It's an experience of a lifetime if you're willing to accept everything it has to offer.
Sorry this turned out to be so long. Guess I had more to say than I originally thought.

[Ann - AF spouse]

Civilian life? What’s that? I have been a military dependent my whole life. I can’t imagine anything else. I remember the day the AFROTC marched across campus to the flag pole for retreat. My roommate (Navy Brat) and I followed them. That’s when I realized how much I missed “home” and living on an Air Force Base. I still get teary when I hear the National Anthem.

Cons of living the life of the Military spouse: Never knowing where the next “home” will be, or when, having my spouse gone frequently (in the early days I never knew when, or for how long, and often wasn’t supposed to tell family and friends where), having babies away from home (first assignment was overseas when I was 7 months pregnant) being portable – no custom made carpets or curtains, sleeping in a queen size bed because king size won’t fit in base housing, changing school systems, leaving great friends, no career – it’s hard to build up longevity when your only going to be around for 2 years.

Pros: Never knowing where the next “home” will be. I have been halfway around the world. I can order food in at least 6 different languages. My kids are really good at Geography having lived in or driven through all the states from Colorado to Washington DC, and all nearly all the countries in Western Europe. Add in mapping all the places dad has been…I hate it when my husband is gone, but it has made me self sufficient and confident. I can drive cross country, keep up with the bills, make household and auto repairs, keep a job, and get kids to sports practice and dance class. I love starting fresh in a new house. How many people get to redecorate every 3 years? It’s the only time I clean behind the couch, replace shelf paper, clean out closets of old stuff, and when the poor old desk falls apart as it comes off the truck after 5 moves, I get to buy a NEW one. My kids have an education that goes beyond what they learn in school. Talk to Military kids, you’ll find they tend to be mature for their age, well spoken, and very aware of the world around them. I have a bizarre resume packed with volunteer work, but only about 5 or 6 actual jobs. I went back to school to get a certification in education so I could keep the same hours as my kids. I believe that moving from school system to school system makes me a better teacher as I see other ways of doing things. Making new friends. I am more tolerant of other people and cultures as we adapt to our new home and change and grow.

How could anyone want anything else?

[Slightly Salty]

Andi you are right - no one can know what they are truly getting into marrying into the military. The one thing that is consistent is change with this lifestyle. World events dictate your life and people you've never met make decisions about where you live. That is not an easy pill to swallow no matter how adventurous or laid back you may be.

My own transition into this lifestyle was taken in baby steps. Obi-Wan and I were both students in college and grad school when we got married and our first 3 years of marriage were spent living like civilians practically because of this. Prior to meeting him, I had ZERO knowledge of the military. I was actually married for a full 3 years before I had my first experiences as a Navy wife. After graduation and 6 months spent out of state for him to attend surface warfare officers school, we PCS'd to San Diego for Obi-Wan's orders on his first ship as a newly commissioned ensign. The only person we knew there was his best friend. I was fresh out of grad school trying to find a job in my field and I had never lived outside of my home state before. Talk about change. And 3 months after we moved, he went on his first deployment of our marriage (he had deployed previously several times prior to me being in his life). It was a lot to take in. I had no idea how I would handle this lifestyle and deployments and all my friends would say even now that I'd be the least likely person to have married a military man. But we are still happily married 9 years later and I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

It can be a very hard life sometimes. The amount of time you spend worrying about your spouse can be very hard to handle as well as the loneliness. I agree that not everyone is cut out to deal with this but it's something that you don't necessarily learn about yourself until you are experiencing it. I would have said prior to meeting Obi-Wan that I wasn't cut out for this but here I am trudging through and finding a way to enjoy the good and the bad.

As others have said, you learn a lot about yourself and what you are capable of handling and you often surprise yourself at what you are truly made of at the end of the day. My life experiences have made me a much stronger person than I ever would have thought and while some of those experiences, namely the deployments, have been hard, they have shaped the person I am.

In the very beginning of my relationship with Obi-Wan, he tried to give me the unabridged version of what life would be like with him but I didn't really know until I started living it with him. I knew that I loved him and he was the one for me and there really wasn't a choice. I had to be with him and if it meant hopping on this roller coaster, then so be it.

[Indecisive]

I am the one who originally wrote in and am trying to make this decision.

Most of the things I'm hearing here are things I already know. He would be in the Air Force as a A-10 Crew Chief. He told me there are only a few bases that have his position, and that the flight line is a "tight knit" community of the AF that is different from other areas. I don't know how much they move, but that's not an issue to me. Just as mentioned before..you get to decorate and go through things every time. You get to see different states & countries too! I've only been to 4 states in my life, and never to another country. So it sounds exciting to me. Having a child is something we both really look forward to also, so we would be doing that soon into it. I'd much love to just be a mom raising kids and being his wife. With deployments he could miss out on stages of our kids lives, but that can already happen with working long hours.

Our biggest issue with deployment would be trust. With him being in the USAF before, he knows what goes on behind the scenes and has seen the way it changes people, couples, and a marriage. He's afraid of that. I love him with all my heart and wouldn't do something like that to him, so I would keep myself busy doing other activities. To be sure he knows he can trust me at ALL times and he can focus on his job while he's gone and not worry about his wife.

I guess my questions really are:
What do you (as a milspouse) do with your time while s/he is on deployment?
On Base vs. Off Base Housing?
How are spouses treated by the USAF?
All of the pros (travel, pay rates, benefits, etc.) sound great! But what are the cons (other than deployment)??

**THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS POSTED A COMMENT TO HELP ME WITH THIS**

[Mrs G]

Everyone here has touched on the main aspects of military life. Mrs. Puzzle Piece, for someone I would consider still green, you have quite the insight. I wish I had some of that when I became a mil-spouse at 20. I wouldn't have spit and stomped on the ground declaring how unfair the military is in those early years. My naiveté, has now become wisdom with no regrets.

My husband is now going on 23 years in the service and will be retiring soon, so my fear is joining the civilian world, I'm sure I'll stomp and spit and declare how unfair civilian life is, funny how that works.

One aspect that was mentioned but I'd like to add is children, if you have none but plan on having some in the next four years, be aware you may have this child alone or in a foreign land. This can be difficult if you're not prepared. I had my third in S Korea and the hubby was TDY throughout most of my pregnancy, thankfully made it home for the blessed event but you cannot count on him being there. However there is support options available if you need assistance, Family Readiness Group (FRG), and usually the Commander or First Sergeant is there to look after spouses left behind, especially pregnant ones (at least they have been in our case).

Children of military families get hit the hardest. They are yanked from place to place, attend many different schools (grades can suffer), lose friends and this can be difficult, however, my three kids (two who are in their twenties, one is 18) tell me now that although it was rough, they feel, looking back that they did not lose friends they only gained more (thank God for MySpace and Facebook, wish it came around sooner), they got to see the world, lived in S Korea (at the time) a third world country, lived and travel Europe, and learned other languages and cultures. They never take their freedoms or what American has to offer for granted (an aspect you can not teach, it must be experienced) so they fell in love with their country. They swear there's not much they would change, except maybe an extra year in Europe to graduate with friends. My kids are far more mature than their peers, are self sufficient, and I truly believe being a military brat contributed to this. I myself have grown from our experiences and I have no regrets. Military life is a great life I wouldn't have changed anything. As long as you have your eyes open, always plan for the unexpected, expect disapointments from time to time, keep an adventurous mind set, remember that it can be a hard life at times but well rewarding.

But most of all remember what Mrs. Puzzle Piece said because this is sooooo true: "Marriage is not 50/50 it is often 80/20 or 90/10. One person sacrifices as the other grows and visa verse. Although,that 80 or 20 percent can feel like dead weight as you learn to reinvent your life after DH leaves.Marriage is not 50/50 it is often 80/20 or 90/10. One person sacrifices as the other grows and visa verse. Although,that 80 or 20 percent can feel like dead weight as you learn to reinvent your life after DH leaves."

Ok that's way too long but I don't comment often so I'll use that as an excuse. Best wishes, Good luck.

[Mrs G]

Off Base Housing, most definitely, you must get out in the local community, or you'll miss out on so much, especially if you're trying to fill in time while the husband is away. Caution though some neighborhoods outside many USAF bases are not the best, go a few miles away for housing. Later, when you have kids, school systems will dictate where you live.

When you find you're in a new location and you have no friends yet, my best suggestion is to either find work, volunteer or find a hobby (many USAF base have hobby / stores in on near the community center for you to take a lesson in some craft,
The community secter is a great resource to find out what's going on locally.

The important thing is to do something for YOU, that you enjoy.

Also drive, drive everywhere, get to know the area, get lost a few times, this sound strange but this will help you settle in your area if your familiar with it.

As I stated above the USAF treats the spouses pretty well, but each location will be different, go with your husband to unit events so you can meet his commanders and the other spouses.

Hope this helps

[Slightly Salty]

Indecisive- how you spend your time depends on what you like to do. I work - I have a career. When I'm not working, I read or scrapbook, play with my dogs, get together with friends, etc. Taking care of a house and yard is another big time sucker. I actually have very little downtime on our deployments but I make it that way b/c I like to stay busy and it takes my mind off of things.

As far as the trust issue goes, it would be very hard to be married to someone in the military and not trust them. My husband and I both trust each other and that base was solidly formed long before we ever experienced a deployment together. He and I both communicated a lot about how important it is in a marriage and if you don't have it, those deployments are going to take a mental toll on you. The best thing you can do is to keep the lines of communication open and not open yourselves up to situations where you might violate that trust. That's all I can really say.

[Mrs G]

BTW, I've lived is 7 states and 2 foriegn countries, been stationed on both USAF and Army bases, let me know what based your husband may be stationed at and I might be able to give you more insight.

[Mrs G]

I concur with SS on the trust aspect. Communication is key.

[Mrs G]

That's suppose to say community center is a great resource (not The community secter) Sorry I have no letters left on my keyboard and I'm a lousy typist. :P

[Ann - AF spouse]

The big joke when my husband was in pilot training was that all the new wives home alone got puppies. I got mine while he was at Nav training. Not a man, but a comfort not to be home alone.

In the early days of our marriage, he was gone about 6 months of every year. He missed holidays, birthdays, and kids' "firsts". I kept busy volunteering, then busy with babies, then going back to school.

Time appart made us appreciate each other more, and the homecoming was great! We used to notice a new bunch of babies about 9 months after deployments.

[tad's tibbit]

When I married my husband he was a weekend warrior and gave me an idea what to expect. I have to say he was right. But since his changing to AGR, things have been one change after another. I have been a milspouse for 10 yrs now but feel like a new one as I don't seem to have a clue sometimes. Before he was only gone once in awhile, whereas now he lives over 800 miles away, only coming home a few times as leave and money allow. We were unable to go with him for several reasons most of all a currently 15yr old boy that still wanted to continue his parents joint custody, in which I take care of him on his fathers weeks, as well as ailing grandparents (which passed this year) that I cared for. I guess what I am trying to say is that I learned that no matter how you plan when you step into the military life, tomorrow it could change.
Sometimes it is hard, but I am proud of what he does and who he is with the military. With four boys (including my step) I am constantly busy, but do feel alone in all this at times. Never really sure if there is something that I am supposed to be doing, or should already have done. Thanks to everyone who puts their wisdom in here at Spousebuzz as it helps me feel connected and gives an understanding that there are friendly "faces" out there that understand. :)

[Leofwende]

I started dating my husband while he was still in ROTC, and we got married about 3 weeks after he commissioned. I knew from the get-go that he was going to be in for a minimum of 14 years (prior service of 6 years = 14 until he's eligible for retirement) and that that was part of who he was and what he wanted to do with his life. I never really had to help him make the decision to "get in" or "get out", but I did make the decision to keep dating him. To me, in the end, he was worth any trouble the military could send our way. But there are difficult and stressful things. Deployments, TDYs, training schedules, overnight duties, etc. I think that going into it, a potential milspouse needs to be aware that he/she will need to be able to handle life on their own for periods when their spouse has to be away and even sometimes out of contact for longish periods of time. As long as he/she understands that and is willing to make that sacrifice, then I think military life can be just as rewarding, if in different ways, than civilian life.