Is it a Generational Gap?

An interesting conversation took place at SpouseBUZZ LIVE San Antonio. A family support leader stood up and asked, and I'm parphrasing, "What can we do to get more participation from spouses for our meetings and events?" Other people agreed that this is a common problem at their post/base and expressed their frustration.

I've never been fully satisfied with some of our FRG/FSG discussions here. Some of them have been excellent, but we tend to hear some things over and over; volunteer burnout, adversion to clicks, personality clashes, people don't want everyone in their business, we don't need the hand-holding, and on and on. Not only that, some FRG/FSGs are efficient and function as they were meant to, and some (from what you have told us) do not, so it's hard to discuss such a broad topic because there's no one-size-fits-all.

Although I was present in San Antonio, and I heard everything that was said, I didn't really dwell on it much until I read the Armed Forces Press account of the event, which can be found here. A standard talking point here on the blog, and at our events, is that if your support network (whatever it may be) isn't working for you, create (or find) one that does. Toad and GBear were onto something:

“We are dealing with a different demographic of military families,” he said. “The first place these kids go to get information about the base is online. They won’t come into our facilities. If we don’t have information online, we can’t reach them.”

Another SpouseBuzz “author,” Ginger, founder of the troop-support group Sew Much Comfort, agreed.

“Back in the day,” she said, “advisors were readily available to talk you through the process of moving to a new base. But these new families want to be able to access all the information about services and groups on the Internet.”

The new generation of milspouses are tech savvy. Virtual networking is second nature to them, and the internet is a very comfortable place for them. Given the conversations we've had with hundreds of milspouses throughout the last two years, I'm inclined to believe that most don't feel neglected or unsupported at all. They don't need to walk into MWR, ACS or attend FRG meetings to feel that they're supported. They log onto their blogs, My Space accounts, Facebook pages and they're automatically among friends. Friends of their own choosing. Note what one of the attendees of San Antonio said:

Amber agreed that the Internet is a vital component of modern life. “I take classes online because I need a career and school that’s portable, so it’s the best place to find information,” she said. “It’s a good way to get to know people and find people that are like you instead of only connecting with the people in your family support group.”

Still, that doesn't mean that spouse/support clubs are obsolete, irrelevant and have no role to play. Quite the opposite. It's nice to get together, meet new people and get to know your peers. It's more than nice in some cases, which I'm sure Joan D'Arc can attest to. When something goes wrong, your My Space friends may not be close by, and they can't run to your aid. They can't watch the kids if you have something you need to do. Nor do they know what's going on in your area and with your spouse's unit. FRG/FSG groups are invaluable in many respects.

I think, from what I've seen and heard lately from actual FRG/FSG and spouse club leaders, that maybe official support and readiness groups are competing with the more interesting (to many) model of support that the internet now provides. And in some cases, they're losing. One milspouse had this to say:

“One of the biggest challenges is finding and recruiting the young military spouses for support groups like the spouses’ clubs,” said Jeanette Hawk of the Navy Wives Club. “I can’t wait to get home and get on the computer and say I’m on a blog.”

According to many of the leaders and co-leaders we've spoken with, attendance is down and interest is waning. The model that once had milspouses relying on the base/post to give them all relevant information and support no longer exists because so much of it is available online.

What I would have liked to ask the lady who spoke, and what I'll pose to you now, is this: Is attendance and participation down only at meetings/socials but up when the installation offers services and programs to spouses? In other words, do the spouses take full advantage of free day care, career fairs, gym memberships, unique events, etc. but not show up at official meetings, etc.? I think that would be interesting to know.

I firmly believe that the virtual world is a great option for milspouses and it's becoming more and more popular, especially with a younger demographic of milspouses joining the ranks. I wonder if Family Support Groups are just not catching up quickly enough. While more spouses are turning to the internet, are FRG/FSGs finding creative ways to use the internet to their advantage, or might they be missing an opportunity? I see plenty of ways the virtual and physical support systems could compliment one another and I'm wondering if we're doing enough to bridge what seems to be a big divide.

What's your situation? Are you active in your spouse club/FRG? Why or why not? Is your club/FRG doing anything online to help attract more physical participation? Is attendance booming or waning for your meetings and events? Would you be more likely to attend an event if you formed "virtual" relationships with the spouses in your unit first?

Who has unit blogs, discussion boards, etc., and are they effective in keeping the spouses in your unit connected?

I think this is an interesting topic for discussion, so let's discuss....

Comments

[Marcella]

Hi there...I am that lady who spoke at Spousebuzz Live. I am the president of the Fort Sam Houston Spouses Club and we have been going through a rough patch of low membership turnout at our events. So I wanted to get the opinion of other spouses to answer my questions of why it is so hard to get participation for not only social fellowship by official military functions such as FRG or AFTB (Army Family Team Building). I know there is a need…but how do we get the message out there of the resources the military offers family members.

To answer your questions...
I am involved with Army Family Team Building and the same issues are felt there. Some posts do offer free childcare, but this too may not always work. I just feel bad when I hear when young spouses do not know of programs or resources the Army or any branch offers. I spoke to other spouses from other branches and they too offer programs like AFTB to teach our military spouses of all the resources their branch offers to family members and they expressed the same issues. Some spouses are falling between the cracks...how cans this happen in 2008? So, it’s not just social clubs, but Army wide programs do not see the full participation for spouses. For example, at Fort Sam Houston we have a “Newcomer’s Extravaganza” every month for those soldiers and their families, but month after month only a handful of spouses attend with their soldier. As for FRG’s, the same issues, I was the Pres of an FRG and we felt the same about low turnout at FRG functions. Maybe I am the type that wants to be “in the know” so I stay pro-active in our military communities and when I was working I would attend the evening functions to stay informed.

I strongly agree most military spouses take advantage of the internet and are very tech savvy and this may be the answer of how to reach out to those who are more comfortable online. AFTB is now offering classes online to accommodate this need and FRG’s are also becoming more virtual to accommodate some spouses. But this removes the social fellowship and support I believe we get when attending functions and talking face to face with other spouses. We are all members of the “Sisterhood of the Traveling BDU’s” or Brotherhood for those male spouses : )

[dizzylizzie]

i remember when my DH's unit was deployed last year, and i remember being friends with our FRG co-leader. she too, mentioned low turnout was a concern of theirs.

childcare was always an issue for me. the CDC was full with a minimum 1 yr waiting list. there was no free childcare for FRG nites. Alot of wives i had met when we first arrived had gone back home to wait for their husbands return. due to my families political beliefs, this wasnt an option for me. They felt i was simply getting what i deserved. so, i stayed on post with a handful or so of others. i remember being immensly overwhelmed just trying to keep my sanity with a colicky newborn and an active 2nd grader. (whose teacher seemed to love sending home extra projects)

at one point, i had a cavity that was festering and quite painful for several months before i was finally able to find a sitter while i had it filled. guess who that sitter was? my husband on R&R.
when he was on R&R i made sure to make my dentist & eye appointments taken care of because it was my only break until he came home for good. (of course i made sure he had his favorite meals cooked and a good amount of spoiling took place :)

before he was home on R&R, our 7 y.o. son got croup at 2am (twice actually within two months) which meant waking up the new baby and sitting in the ER waiting on the doctor for the oldest chld, whilest attempting-but-failing-to-soothe a screaming infant until almost noon. bleery-eyed and exhausted i slugged through the day, carrying on. i made a few calls but noone was available to stop by and give me a helping hand. i called several organizations on base & off about help for spouses, heck i'd have even paid a good sum of money just for someone to cut the grass or let me take a nap!

with all this going on, attending FRG events was not on my list of things to do. heck if a shower was on that list it was a good day indeed!

bottom line: For a variety of reasons, be they geographical or otherwise, there are spouses are cutoff from the comfort of friends and family. not all spouses already have a support network in place. these are the ones you are least likely to see but may just really need a smiling face to check in on them. just dont judge them by the wrinkly bathrobe and unkempt hair. its probably been a long day.

[dizzylizzie]

whoops! didnt realize that was so loooong. my apologies to management for the bandwidth hogging.

[Marcella]

"these are the ones you are least likely to see but may just really need a smiling face to check in on them. just dont judge them by the wrinkly bathrobe and unkempt hair. its probably been a long day"

This is funny...been there ...done that!

[army_wife]

I am not really all that active in my FRG. I feel out of place because I am very different than the other spouses. It's easier for me to talk online to someone and get to know them first because online I don't have to be anxious about what kind of appearance-based judgements they are making about me. I think people are more accepting of me if they know me a little bit first from talking online or on the phone before meeting me in person.

And I can relate to dizzylizzie about the FRG not being the #1 priority on the list. It's not that I don't care, it's just that everyday life is so time-consuming and draining that I have little time or energy left for the FRG.

My FRG does usually offer free child care for briefings/meetings, but I'm not the type of person that is comfortable dumping my kids on a total stranger for a couple of hours. You never know what kind of person will be taking care of them. I know that the baby will cry if I leave him, that's a fact. So what happens when he is hysterical and won't stop? What if they shake him? He could be killed or permanently disabled. Not the kind of risk I'd prefer to take. If I can't get someone I KNOW to watch my kids, I don't go.

[Ramie]

I definitely agree that there's an attendance issue almost universally with FRG's and such. We're experiencing it here too. (The Privacy Act sure squealches the ability to contact families-about FRG stuff-too).

I'm active in our group (not on the board, but I go to most functions) and I really enjoy the company. I'm not great friends with any of them, but sometimes its nice to know that there's other people going through the same stuff!
Other than an email contact list, our group isn't doing anything online so to speak. They've tossed around the idea of a yahoo group, to allow the news to flow (about base events, FRG events, etc) as well as for friendships to grow, but so far I've not heard of one that's actually formed.

[Jennifer]

I was present at SpouseBuzz Live in San Antonio and I did not comment on this issue because it would have been long winded.

I just started a spouse group at my husband's squadron (just in time for him to deploy). I had issues with how to contact spouses (due to Privacy Act). Sending an email to all squadron members to pass onto their spouses was not working. You would think in this "tech-savvy" age that it would be an ideal way to reach people. No. I got frustrated and then realized that the only way I was going to get people involved was through personal contact. Again, with Privacy Act issues, I had no way of contacting them directly unless I had their permission to do so. Does that make sense???

I happened to attend an end of month promotion ceremony, where there were some spouses, so I talked it up to them. Also present were many squadron members who I also approached and told them to really pass the word to their members and spouses. My list grew...and those I had come into personal contact with knew at least one other person that they thought might be interested.

Point is...I realized that you reach people the old-fashioned way...personal invitations and contact.

We really want this group to provide personal and hands-on support for spouses during military challenges and life changes (babies, illnesses, etc.). This is something that Airman and Family Readiness centers will never replace.

One of the best pieces of advice that I can give anyone on trying to get people involved, especially in squadron level events and groups is to PERSONALLY WELCOME every member and family to the unit. (I know this won't work for base-wide groups). Sounds hard, I know. But at my last base, we did just that. We gave inbounds a welcome packet and cookies and let them know that we were here if they needed anything - kennel info, chidcare info, etc. It makes a difference. It matters. It leaves an impression. It makes it that much easier to provide support during deployments when you have had some kind of contact with those families prior to the deployment, it makes it more genuine.

Would you believe that we had people who said that in their 20 years in the military, that this was the first time anyone had welcomed them? Sad...

On the other note, I know that our AFR center is sooo lacking when it comes to actual support. When I went in asking what kind of support they offered for deployed spouses, the receptionist said to me, "There should be a flyer over there." Thanks for the support.

[Ann - AF spouse]

It's been 21 years as an AF spouse, and another 22 as an "AF brat". Support groups saved my sanity MANY times. My mother is still in contact with friends she made through the wives club. With her as my roll model, I joined the OWC as soon as I could. How times have changed!

When my son was born early, and our household goods had not arrived, I came home to a basinet, changing table, and stacks of baby clothes and towels courtesy of the squadron spouses. When a plane went down while my husband was deployed, I had the phone number of the squadron commander's wife handy and was able to get information quickly.

I have been a member of so many base groups. Some have a great turnout, some only a handful, but I can honestly say that they were all helpful and important to me.

When my husband became a squadron commander and I was the "leader" of the spouses group, I did everything I could think of to boost membership. I had meetings at my house, I varied times to accommodate working spouses, I offered child care in my home (the benefits of having a teenager). I didn't get more than 10 at a time, but it wasn't always the same 10.

The best events to encourage and meet spouses: Family centered such as holiday parties and children’s events (Christmas, Halloween and Easter) the family picnics, a spouses day that includes a base tour and "where your spouse works" combined with lunch.

The saddest thing ever was when the spouses club dissolved at my last base due to lack of interest and leadership. For today, working spouses, small children, and the unbelievably high priced "lunches" served at the club caused people to loose interest.

While I looked forward to my monthly news letter via email, I missed my monthly information call. One squadron had a spouse phone tree. Every month I would get a call with all base and squadron happenings, and then I would call 6 other ladies and pass on the news. I only met 2 face to face, but when I called we would chat for a while. When your spouse is gone, and you have small children at home, that few minutes talking to a “grown up” brightens a tedious day.

[aviator spouse]

Wow I figured you would get alot of response from this.....
I think the big issue here is empowerment. The way the old system works going to the base and getting your information kind of put spouses in a situation where someone else was always holding all the cards. I think these days with the deployment cycle, it is nice to feel like I have control of SOME things. Communication with your spouse is a one way street, you have to wait until they contact you essentially. With the FRG/KV etc I think it would be a good thing to set up some sort of virtual home. This way people can access the info they need when they need it. It gives them the sense of being in some sort of control. Any little bit can help when your 6 months into a deployment. Something as simple and as putting regular updates on a command voice mail for people to hear is better then the current status quo. The way it works now I think it feels like only certain people are "in the know" and that is a terrible feeling.

[Bette]

Ann makes a good point about working spouses. For nearly every Army-related activity I've attended, I've had to take off work to do so. That isn't always feasible (or worth it, sometimes).

A separate issue for me is that for years, I was a girlfriend, not a wife. By necessity, I learned how to deal with deployment, moving, and everything else without the support of an FRG or spouse group. I did fine, so now that those opportunities *are* available to me, I don't feel like making room for them in my schedule. If I had kids, however, I would probably feel differently.

Perhaps FRG participation will continue to decline as more "non-traditional" spouses marry into the military, which would be sad, because I do think the groups are helpful for many. Maybe some combination of online and in-person information/support would work?

[MO]

FRG is a thing of the past. At least the meetings are. When FSG turned to FRG people realized that there was no face to face support anymore. If it is information only they figure why waste their time when they could just get the info online or in a mass email. Or they were setting up their own groups online.

Then the DOD started forcing these sites to shut down because of Opsec. Their answer was the VFRG that is not at all user friendly, you customize it, there is no message boards like we're all used to and the command doesn't update as often as they should. When the DOD steps in things get very streamlined and boring. They put many restrictions on fundraising events, food handling, no more home-baked goods for bake-sales etc. etc. making it very hard to get anything done. AFFES then puts their two cents in and make it where you can't have food sales near their facilities. So much for being for military and their families *snort*. They force you to have events for families but tie your hands when it comes to getting the funds to make it happen.

I am looking at being an FRG Leader again in the very near future and I have come up with a few social ideas. I think taking the "military" out of some of the events would be great and doing lunches and coffees for all. We need fresh ideas and new life brought into these things and the DOD (or who ever) to ease up on the restrictions.

[MO]

sorry, that was can't customize the vFRG

[Andi]

I agree with those of you who have said that meetings to distribute information and resources seem to be out these days. Most spouses will favor email, the web or word of mouth for this type of information (I do), but I think what concerns most people about the declining interest isn't so much the administrative aspect (sharing info, etc.) but the social component. Specifically, the loss of socialization among milspouses, and I do feel much of it is due to the wide variety of "non-traditional" outlets now available to milspouses.

Virtual FRGs will not, in my opinion, be effective if, as MO suggests, they are not frequently updated and have some type of social component to them, which is why I favor unit blogs or discussion boards. Yes, there are OPSEC concerns, but honestly, a disclaimer on the site which states these rules clearly should help prevent information that shouldn't be made public from getting out (no troop movement discussions, no last names, etc.). Not only that, there are ways to restrict access to these blogs using privacy settings, therefore allowing access by invitation only.

There are also other issues which could hamper this as well. You need an administrator who is willing and capable of running the site; keeping it current, relevant and interesting. Any blogger knows that the fastest way to lose interest in your site is by not keeping it updated frequently. vFRGs are no exception.

As some have stated, getting to know someone online before a face-to-face meeting is easier and less stressful for some spouses. It also has the ability to raise interest in spouses who form virtual friendships to cement those friendships by getting together in person, which is where I see an opening for the spouse groups to attract more bodies to their events and get them involved.

Some spouses may not accept an invitation to a coffee or luncheon (for a variety of reasons), but I'd be willing to bet if their husband came home with a url for the unit blog, chat room, discussion board, etc., that they would log on out of curiosity, if nothing else. And there's an opening you may not have had otherwise.

A complicated problem all the way around, but I think examining ways to use the virtual world to help connect the physical world is worth exploring.

[Amber]

I was at the San Antonio spousebuzz and am the one who made the comment about "It’s a good way to get to know people and find people that are like you instead of only connecting with the people in your family support group.”
My father was in the Army so this is nothing new to me. For me I would rather go to a FRG meeting than go on an online support group. But in my personal circumstance I have a disfunctional FRG. There is no support for me so I have gone online despertaly trying to find support while my husband is deployed. My FRG leader has made no effort to make sure everyone knows about the meetings. I found out about them from another spouse. We went together and there were only three women there the FRG leader inculded and they were very unwelcoming and it was more of a get together for them than an FRG meeting. I was very upset about it and I desperately wish I had an FRG to go to. Even though I'm young if our battalion FRG leader cared more and was welcoming and put together functions and meetings I would go to everyone that I could! So I think that age is not the only factor but some of us are not blessed with good FRGs and then we feel lost and alone and go to the internet for support.
I do think its sad that some wives my age that have a good FRG choose to not attend and volunteer their help. Believe me I wish I had the opportunity too! My mother was a leader in my fathers FRG so I know how vital these support groups are. And If I had the oppotunity to connect with people physical on my post from my FRG to be there when I need them physicaly I would in a heartbeat! But I am not lucky in that area so my online support is all I've got.

[tankerswife]

One of the best things DH's unit did, back at the beginning of the war no less, was set up a website. Within the main site, there was an area for Regiment and Post information. From there, each squadron had site for information more specific to that squadron. And then within that there was a site for each unit. The squadron commander would actually take time to write a letter about the squadron's status, usually about twice a month. The FRG was excellent at keeping the site current. And the FRG leader was excellent at making several events that would cover different days and times so most everyone could attend some sort of event.

The internet turned out to be a great means to keep most everyone in the loop somehow, even the girlfriends. ;-)

[Amanda]

I do agree with what Amber said, and I actually DO have a great FRG, FRG leader, and feel that I have a division that cares about me as a military spouse.

To me, going online is merely a supplement, an ADDITIONAL resource for me to use when I may not be able to get in contact with local resources.

Say you have a question about something, and say you call someone in your FRG, but maybe their line is busy, or maybe they're at work and can't answer but you need an ASAP answer... well, being part of the internet support community, you can instantly get an answer by a quick phone call, IM, or even looking it up online, which does JUST as well. Not always, of course, as online people can't give me dates of when my husband is coming home, they won't be here to help me move, but it doesn't mean that if the going gets tough, that they'll disappear.

Just please keep in mind, in this day and age, the internet is a supplement to EVERYTHING. Even school teachers of elementary grades, up to high school, and college these days have a website. In no way does that mean that the teacher, school, or families have any sort of disfunction, it is just nearly one EXTRA quick and easy form of communication for quick answers and one ADDITIONAL form of communication.

I really don't see why all the lash back exists about this... Once upon a time, email and computers started replacing letters, and cell phones started replacing landlines.
This is just one more media of communication that can do harm AND good, but there ARE those of us who use it for good, while still wanting and needing the face to face communication.

I personally NEVER want to see FRGs go away, I LIKE having meetings to go to, things to look forward to, especially with wives whose husbands ARE deployed with my husband for as long as my husband has been... I wish I had more local friends who understood, and these local women in my FRG do. We may not be best friends but we are resources and sisters in this together, not by chance but by duty.

So let's look at the online world as something GOOD, and SO are FRGs....! So if one has one they enjoy, both combined really can empower a spouse to have as much knowledge, info, resources, and networking as possible, and the more, the merrier, right?

[Andi]

Amber and Amanda, thanks for weighing in (and coming to SpouseBUZZ LIVE). Your comments illustrate two issues we've hashed out here before. In Amber's case, she'd like an FRG that works for her, but doesn't have one and in Amanda's case, she has a great FRG but also likes to use the virtual support, and I think that's more or less what we're trying to get at here, finding ways to combine the two for a better overall experience for milspouses. And I do think there are ways but in many cases, we're just not taking full advantage of them, but I also think that will change, although change may be slow in coming.

The ladies of SpouseBUZZ will tell you that while we love blogging, it's a breath of fresh air to get out and actually meet and talk with spouses face-to-face, so I understand how the two can compliment one another.

Good discussion, everyone. I'm enjoying reading the responses. Very interesting....

[Sara]

This is a really interesting discussion. I direct a faith-based military wives organization that starts local chapters in different communities not as a replacement to someone's FRG but an additional support. We have lots of women who get our newsletters and want to stay in the know and like the fact we are there, but it is still very difficult to get everyone to come to small group meets or even larger events. Most women who do come tend to be going through deployments and are looking for others who can relate.

I think it does have a lot to do with the technical age we live in... by going online to discover new friendships and connections, I'm afraid we may be isolating ourselves from people in our own backyard.

Anyway, it's really nice to hear that these problems aren't just with our groups but it's everywhere.

[Sara]

This is a really interesting discussion. I direct a faith-based military wives organization that starts local chapters in different communities not as a replacement to someone's FRG but an additional support. We have lots of women who get our newsletters and want to stay in the know and like the fact we are there, but it is still very difficult to get everyone to come to small group meets or even larger events. Most women who do come tend to be going through deployments and are looking for others who can relate.

I think it does have a lot to do with the technical age we live in... by going online to discover new friendships and connections, I'm afraid we may be isolating ourselves from people in our own backyard.

Anyway, it's really nice to hear that these problems aren't just with our groups but it's everywhere.

[Pattie]

I'm pretty sure there is a FSG here, but because I don't live on base, I don't get most of that information. HUGE disconnect there.

[Meeshel]

At our last duty station I was really involved in the Navy community. I’m finding that I’m completely disconnected at this new duty station. We are a Navy family stationed on an Air Force Base. I've asked around to see if we have a FSG or FRG but there are none. I’ve heard that there are things on the base that I could attend, but it seems like I can never find out where and when since that information doesn’t reach out to my husband’s command. Then there is the other problem. I’m really tired of this conversation that I have anytime I meet another military spouse in the area:

“Them: Are you Army or Air Force?

Me: Neither, we're Navy.

Them: Navy? Why are you here? Isn’t Navy supposed to be on a ship?”

Then I feel like I have to explain myself and I can’t help feeling a little defensive. It makes me feel like I don’t belong. Especially when I am the only Navy Spouse there. I feel like I am being interrogated with all the questions about how does Navy get stationed on an Air Force Base? Like there's no such thing as a joint military base. Sometimes I feel less like a military spouse and more like a civilian with base privileges.

I want to be involved with a group that doesn’t automatically ask me why I’m here. I’m here and I’m a military spouse. That’s all that matters. I don't have to go through that on the internet. There are so many support groups on the internet that aim to all branches and nobody asks me "why are you here". They already get it. Because I’m a military spouse.

As far as finding friends and support for when things go wrong. I look to other organizations, which are not affiliated with the military. For example, I’m involved in the PTA. I’m not just a military spouse…IM A MOM! A civilian mom may not get how I can live the military life, but she does get that I need a break from my kids, or that I need a babysitter so I can go to my yearly physical. Civilians may not know all the acronyms we so fluently speak or how we can live through another deployment, but they can be supportive other ways.

I wouldn’t be surprised if other people have found this route works for them too. If I could get involved with an FSG/FRG that made me feel welcome, I’d be an active part of it. But I’m just in a place where I haven’t found that yet.

[jesses_wife]

My husband is in the Army Reserves and his unit is an hour and a half away from where he lives. When he was deployed the FRG planned all their meetings on Sundays. Doesn't anyone go to church anymore? I go to church in the morning and evening every Sunday. In order for me to make it to the FRG meetings I would have to skip both services. To me my church family is more important than the FRG.
However if they would just make the meetings on Saturdays (and maybe a little less "child-centered". Ya know not all of us have kids.), I would be willing to drive out there once in while. I really would love to be able to know some of the other wives from my husbands unit.
I think if my husband ever changes units and or we move closer I would try to become involved with the FRG. I think it needs some younger influences. I think it needs a few fresh ideas (like, say, let's not have a costume party for the kids in October. Instead, maybe a bonfire at one of the ladies houses with free childcare so the moms don't have to worry about their kids getting lost it the dark. Or a movie night, set up a projector and watch a chick flick and maybe have a kid movie playing in another room.).

[busy_bee]

I know what you mean about being on an Air Force Base and being different and the challenges that go along with it. We are Army, but I will let you know that at our last duty station I was part of the base spouses club. In fact the whole board was made primarily of Navy and Army Spouses and a very few Air Force Spouses. It was great to get together and share ideas and different, yet similar walks of life. I hope that you can find a group as fun as that one was. Instead of just looking for unit groups find a base/post wide group.

On the topic of low participation in the FRGs it always reminds me of before September 11th. Yes we did have FSGs around then they were not as well thought of or participated in but let me tell you that when that awful day occurred and so many Soldiers deployed they had to step up in a big way. Some fell on their faces and others would stand out like a bright star. Yes you can get information on the web but many spouse are just not doing that either. I can't tell you how many times I have heard that the spouse did not know about this or that function when it is publicized all over the installation and on the internet and at the meetings. It comes to complacency. We are getting complacent again. We feel as a whole that nothing is going to go wrong. Until something does and all those people who did not want to be bothered, contacted, participate or any other word you call it will be there with their hands out begging for how to do things and how to help them with issues. I have seen it time and again. It is sad to say but that is the way it works especially in the non deployable units. I wish it were different. I have been participating in the FRG/FSG for many years and I hear all the same issues everyone has touched on above and all I have to say is that is the way it is and no internet forum in my opinion is going to change it.

[Laura]

I've had a wide variety of experiences with FSGs...from being overwhelmingly involved to nonexistent. Where we are now, I have no idea what is available. My husband refuses to tell me about anything, take me to events, or introduce me to anyone. I don't mind. I DO have my own support network. I *can* survive without the FRG or Fleet and Family Support. That said, I know how to get the information I need, if it arises. And for now, I'm too busy. If there were meetings, I don't think I could find the time to go.

[UncleSamWifey]

I think there are a handful of factors to weigh...

You are assuming that the FRG is supportive,socialable,non backstabbing,gossiping women...

My FRG is not.There is no support unless we spend our time being the perfect Stepford Wife. We only speak nicely of the branch of service,the command,and we never ever discuss problems (such as...um...the phone card shortage that happened 2 weeks into the deployment,and yet no one had the sense to inform us we could get the ship to shore phonecards in advance at the NEX...why didn't the FRG mention this? So I drove all over MD and VA to find them,and couldn't.I had to resort to ordering.Aren't FRGs suppose to not CAUSE turmoil?)

Events like that have led me to shun the Knives of my husband's ship.

Are all FRGs like this? Nope.

But unfortunately,mine is and I thank my lucky stars I don't really need them...we're almost done with this branch of service,this is our last deployment with them,etc.

If I run into a wall I call Fleet and Family Support Center,ask the older wives I know,or ask elsewhere online.

Fortunately for me my in laws are prior service.

So for me,these have been my experiences and have led me to use the FRG as a desperate last resort,and not the first option.

I can only hope the Army is more organized.

[Beth]

I am a NG wife and I can say that I have NEVER had a positive experience with FRG. My husband told me to stay away from it, but that isn't like me so I decided to get involved. At one unit, we had a secret section FRG because our FRG leader was so horrible! She had been doing it for years and no one even knew it existed. Once we decided to try and make it what it was supposed to be, she objected to everything. Eventually command replaced her and then she thought we all conspired against her. We ended up having one of the best unit functions ever and actually got interest in the FRG and then we got a new commander who didn't like families and all our work went the drains.
Then my husband deployed with a unit about 45 minutes from our house where there was a lot of brass. Those wives pretty much refused to do anything at all. I was the only family member who got involved (and all I did was write the newsletter). Our FRG leader refused to delegate anything. She was a micromanager and then would complain that she didn't have time to deal with the FRG. No one ever came to meetings because she gave about a weeks notice and everything was poorly planned...
Since my husband has returned from deployment he has been in 4 different units. Now that he is with HHC for the battalion they have an FRG and it seems pretty decent, but he is again deploying with a unit that is 3+ hours from our house. I guess I won't have an FRG yet again. The unit that is closest to my house has the 1st FRG leader I mentioned "back in power" again, so I won't be going there and even if I wanted to, finding out about their meetings would be or events were going to be held would be next to impossible since I don’t “belong” to that unit.
Our state does have a website (wingfam.org) but it rarely is updated with your correct unit and they keep taking things away due to OPSEC.
The problem isn't a generation gap in the NG. It is the command and the state. The command doesn't support it, so the soldiers don’t support it, therefore the spouses don't get involved.
In my opinion, the whole FRG system is corrupt and needs to be eliminated and started over with full time PAID people running it. Maybe then it would actually work.

[Kate]

Whilst I realise i'm rather late to this conversation, I wanted to offer up my thoughts on the matter.

I have very little to do with the FRG with my husbands unit. And there is one main reason - I am in my mid 20's, and I dont have children (and am not especially interested in being the FRG babysitter). This makes me unlike nearly all the other members of the FRG who are around their mid 30's and all have a heap of small kids. They spend their times planning childrens events which don't interest me or concern me (or my spouse). Topics of conversation seem to revolve around childhood illness, schooling and day care. This is a non deployable unit so I guess there isn't much else for them to discuss.

This is a small FRG and the leader has made some attempts to reach out to me, but I feel that even she honestly wonders what they can offer me. I'm still new at military life and have little to offer in the way of advice/help but I feel a bit intimidated by all these older women and kids who all seem to be each others best friends. I hope our next duty station will have more people my age and with more varied interestes.

[Mechanics Wife]

After reading a lot of comments posted about FRGs, I thought I would give some advice on this. I truly believe an FRG is what YOU make of it. If you want to know what is going on within the Unit, you must seek out that information. Do not wait for someone to call, most of the time your soldier has NOT filled out the paper work so that the FRG will/can send information to you. If you don’t like how the FRG is being ran step up and demand change.
With that being said, I would like to also share the bad, good and ugly of every FRG that I have been involved in.
My first FRG experience was not pleasant and was also my first deployment. I was a new wife to Army way of life, and I was a new mom. I had no idea what would happen during the deployment or if anyone should or would contact me. With that said, I was alone. I relied heavily on my family for support. I didn’t know anyone in the Unit. My DH told me that he filled the paper work out and that they should be contacting me to check up on me, which never happened! It wasn’t until the last week and not knowing anything about the return and where I should pick up my soldier that I got rude and angry at the Army. My soldier called me 24 hours in advanced and said pick me up here at this time. Other than that, no one contacted me.
For the next 3 years, I was told that the FRG meetings where on drill weekend. But with constant Unit changes and still not knowing anyone, I didn’t feel the need to go. A little over two years ago, I started to make myself know at the Armory. We are National Guard but DH works full time at our Armory. So making cookies, going to lunch with some of the guys, and meeting them on night shifts was how I became active in our Unit. I was asked by my 1SGT to attend a FRG meeting and make myself known. I did! Wow, I got a whole new appreciation to what the FRG Leader does and what she goes through. She and I developed a friendship and told me that she needed help and I gladly jumped to make a difference. I told her, “I wanted to make sure that no one goes through what I went through during the previous deployment.” I became the Secretary and then moved to Co-Chair. I got approval for a website from the Commander. This was a public website that anyone could go and see what the unit was doing, along with a lot of information, and what was going on in the community (discounts, freebies, vacations, etc.).
I attended workshops on becoming an FRG Leader. I (personally) got more out of reading general information supplied by “Operation Ready” and just general net searching. This is when I became an FRG Leader. I was involved with the team for a year. After getting comfortable and getting ready for our deployment, I made it known to every soldier who I was and I gave them my number and email and said, “Call me anytime!” The Unit was heading in a good direction and with deployment right around the corner it was good to see. Every soldier had filled out paper work to either contact or not contact their family and the newsletters were going out monthly. We planned a one last family day, to say good bye to the soldiers we wouldn’t see for a year. This is when the FRG went downhill for me and turned ugly! Some of the volunteers didn’t like the way I did things, keeping everyone up to date on EVERYTHING! I would send out cost estimates and donations we had received. I work and live very openly. I do not hide anything and they didn’t like that.
I then made the choice to step down and let the elders do what they thought was best. I don’t think anyone needs any more added stress on top of dealing with a deployment. Good FRG Leaders will always have a special place in my heart, their time and compassion is a rarity that not everyone can do. Bad FRG Leaders only seems to do what works for them. I brought new ideas and ways to get more families involved. The response from the older spouses was not a very welcoming. I believe people think that they know what is best for the unit, but look down on those that choose to make a difference and changes within the FRG.
One last note this last deployment I have not received any newsletters, phone calls, or been notified when upcoming meeting are. I said from the beginning that I didn’t want anyone to have to go through another deployment like my previous one, and I went through it again. Oh well, live and learn!