Grief...and the many ways we face it

My father passed away two weeks ago. This isn't a post looking for sympathy...what I want to examine is how we deal with these situations (not sure I'd call it a crisis...I'll explain why in a moment) when they occur and you are separated from your extended family by thousands of miles.

My father was 80 years old. He fought lung cancer - giving up a lung in the process - in the early 90s. He then went on to battle heart disease, skin cancer, a heart arrhythmia, a series of minor strokes, and bladder cancer. He was a mess. I came face to face with his mortality when I was a senior in high school and they had to remove his lung because of the cancer. He was given a 5% chance at long-term survival at that point.

He went on to live another 18 years. That was my dad.

And I miss him but it's more of a dull ache than anything. When my mom called to tell me, I was sad but not shocked. And I think my sadness is more for her than for him. The last few years had seen his quality of life diminish and the last time he came home from the hospital, he was on morphine and oxygen. So we knew. Even if we didn't talk about it or admit it, we knew.

When the call came, my husband answered the phone. Once I had finished sobbing, he asked me which suitcase I wanted to use. And I just stared at him.

I wasn't going anywhere.

My dad didn't want a funeral and my mother cannot stand them - they remind her too much of losing her own father at what she considers to be entirely too young of an age (she was 26 but I don't think there is ever a "right" age to lose a parent). So no funeral.

My brothers are scattered - one is on the east coast and the other is a bit of a drifter. Neither of which were able at this point in time to come to a funeral. Maybe next year, we decided. Dad wanted to be cremated which is what Mom did. So now he sits on the mantle in the living room.

Until we can all get there.

The thing is, he was always such a patient man. So this doesn't surprise me. I know he'll wait for us. He's in no hurry.

But to my friends, and even possibly my husband, my decision to NOT go back is odd. To me, it is practical. My husband had shoulder surgery a few weeks ago and cannot completely care for himself. I have 2 children in school, a job, FRG responsibilities, church commitments, etc. that I am not comfortable walking away from.

And I am my father's daughter. He raised me to know that you do not back out on your commitments. He raised me to honor my word and see things through to the end. He raised me to think of others before myself. So I know darn good and well that he would have been rolling over in his grave (or in his urn?) had I ditched those things to come and cry over his ashes.

And I know that I would not, technically, be 'ditching' anything. But it would feel that way. I am, if nothing else, practical. And flying back to be in my mother's way as she navigates the "TO DO" list that my father's passing has created would not do anyone any good.

Am I odd? Who knows? Everyone handles their grief in different ways, don't they? A few days after my Daddy died, I had stopped in to a candy shop to get some candy for my sister-in-law. They had licorice chews out for Halloween and my first thought was, "I should get some of those for Daddy! He'd love them!"

And then it hit me...no, he wouldn't. He would have last week maybe. But not now. And I had to leave the store before I made a fool of myself crying over licorice. Silly, I know. But everyone handles grief in different ways, don't they?

I don't think there is a point to this post other than to point out that grief and the ways we face it and deal with it are as varied as we, as military spouses, are. And that's ok.

Comments

[Anonimouse]

Thank you for writing this! I opted not to fly 16 hours back for my Grandmothers service. My husband still does not understand, and never will. What you wrote about your father expecting you to honor your commitments brought tears to my eyes. That was exactly what I feel my Grandmother would have said about attending her service. She was a major force in my life and although my extended family probably still doesn't understand, I think my Grandmother would have.

[awtm]

"anticipatory grief"...

once again, not only does it rear its ugly head for families of deployed spouses.

Anticipatory grief was first noted by Drs, councilors for those families around folks with long term or chronic illnesses.

My Father has not been a well man. Loads of cardiac problems since the age of 43...

I have prepared myself for that death, even though I dread it. My Mother on the other hand, even though she was sick....up until her diagnosis, she was always healthy.

I have worked in oncology and hospice for quite a long time, and for those folks who have prepared, grief is different.

It is not less, or less meaningful, it is certainly different...

Patience is a good thing.

[Sarah]

I also completely relate to this post. We were living in Germany when my grandmother died, and I opted not to fly home too. I had made a special trip to visit my grandmother before I moved to Germany, and we had had a wonderful visit together. THAT was what I wanted to have in my memory, not a funeral. I wrote a eulogy that my mother read at the service, and I talked to my mother on the phone constantly during that time, but I didn't go home.

So I get it. And thank you for sharing this.

[She of the Sea]

A beautiful post.

Thank you for pointing out that you can still honor people without dropping your life and flying a bjillion miles.

I did make the long trek to my father's funeral, but I knew that I had a choice. My family actually encouraged me to stay at home, but it was something that I needed to do. And I'm glad that I did. But whichever choice I made would have been a good one.

Thank you for sharing.

[Jen]

I don't think you're odd (well, at least not for this :)). I know that you made the choice based on what you knew your dad would have wanted you to do and what was right to do for your mom. Not going back doesn't mean that you aren't grieving, or didn't care. It just means that it was the right thing.

Love you...

[Jen]

And I'm so glad that you and the kids got to spend time with him this summer. I know that you will cherish those memories always.

[The Undertaker]

We all grieve in different ways, we all pass away in different ways. It always puzzled me why people think we should do it one structured way. When it comes to death, nothing is odd. People should do what they want to do but most importantly, they need to accept that a death has occured and that the grief is real.

with care

[Ann - AF spouse]

A different take: I was lucky enough to live less than a day's drive from my family when my father was battling cancer. I took every long weekend, vacation, and free moment to head home and spend time with him. Not easy with two small kids and a dog!

I was with him when he died. That moment was worth the sacrifice. The funeral showed me how much other people loved him. He was gone, but I think it was my mother that needed the support. She seemed so together and organized, but would fall apart over the little things ( I SO understand crying in the candy store!)

I would like to point our how amazing (and military) my dad was. Once he knew the end was coming, he took all important paper work, including the funeral information (he picked a plot, and a coffin and made a down payment), and made a big accordian file of everything my mom would need. She never wanted to talk about it, so he just organized everything for her, and put it away.

What a guy.

[ArmyReserveWife]

We had just gotten to our first AGR assignment, my folks came out to see us and I got a call saying Dad had died. They left on a Monday and he died Tuesday night in his sleep, he was 47. This October makes 11 years since he passed away.

Being the oldest child, I drove back to support my mother. I never really grieved for my dad, then one year later as we were getting ready to PCS I started experiencing panic attacks.

So not grieving caught up with me, but since the funeral I have only been to the grave once and that was to look at his headstone. He isn't there, he is with God.

Yes, we all do grieve differently. Thank you for sharing the post. I am also very sorry for your lose.

[mseawright27]

Grief is something that I do not feel can be explained because for me there is no words that can describe it. Our daughter(10) and myself(29) loss our 31 year old dad/husband by his own hand and that was on June 25 of this year. For me a LOT of therapy, support groups, and medication got me moving and have me at the point where I stand at this moment. I think when you lose someone you love very much that you do change and your life will never be the same ( at least for us it will not be). It was explained to me that the people in our lives are our frame and when we lose someone our frame has to be rebuilt because a part of it is now missing. If we did not love the ones we lost then we would not be sad. On my good days it is no longer myself I feel sad and sorry for it is for those who never got to have him (my husband) in there lives at all. On the bad days (which are many) I share my memories of him with other so that he may continue living on. I know all of that may sound crazy but so are the emotions with grief.

[mseawright27]

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, 'This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.'
Today your life on earth is past,
but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
and since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart

[Amanda]

Oh goodness. This post really made so much sense to me. My husbands family faces the horrible truth that they will all most likely die of cancer. In just a few short months he lost his younger sister (17), his nephew (8), his cousin (14), and his aunt (she'd kill me if I told) to various types of cancer. His family lives about 12 hours drive from our home on Camp Lejeune and traveling the distance for all those funerals seemed a necessary evil till 2 weeks ago when his mother rang to tell us his aunt would only have a few more days. I worried briefly that his command wouldn't believe he needed time off, again, to rush home but zipped up our suitcases that hadn't even been unpacked from the last trip and set them by the door in preparation. Imagine my surprise when he returned to tell me we wouldn't be going to her funeral. His aunt didn't want us to have to dip into our savings yet again to see her before she passed and while I know he deeply wanted to be there, it was almost as if not going made it easier to accept. We both are happy that our last memories of her were not those of hospitals and gasping breaths but I found that hearing from our friends and family that not going seemed ridiculous was hard to withstand. Many aspects of military life are drastically different from that of civilian life and despite my years of service as a mil-spouse I'm still discovering all the ways I do things differently.

[dagamore]

The single thing I regret in my life is that I was not able to be by my Mothers side when she passed. I took a job in Germany in 2004, even though I knew that my Mom was sick, and she was happy that I had found a good job, and after talking with her and my Father a few times I took the job. Even though I knew She was in poor health and was steadily getting worse. I was planning on taking leave in the spring of 2006, but work issue pushed the leave back time and time again. Until I got a call from my Father early one morning in the end of June, telling me that my Mother had had a massive heart attack and probably a minor stroke while in the hospital for another reason, related to the chronic and degenerative disease, and was in a coma and was not expected to live out the week. Working with the Red Cross, and the US Army, and my Company I was on a plane the next day at 7.15am, the first open flight out of Germany due to the World Cup going on at that time. When my plane landed in Philly a few hours later I called home for an update, and was told that my Mother had passed a few minutes after being told I was on my way home. I broke down and cried like a lost child for about 15 minutes until a passing Catholic Priest and a group of Nuns found me in the middle of the airport. I was given confession and was given massive counseling and love and understanding from them. They all stayed with me until my connection to Seattle 4 hours or so later, and I was in a lot better state of mind. I don’t know if I would have done if they had not found me. I was able to say good bye, and I made it in plenty of time for the Memorial service.

How do I deal with grief. I cry like there is no tomorrow and no one is watching. I talk with my friends and family, and talk with my Priest. The church is trained in helping people with grief. It is important that you talk with someone about it. They can help.

And trust me on this one, call your family often. Weekly if possible more often is better. Don’t get too wrapped up in your own life and realize that its been 2 months since you last talked with your mom, like I did. I got my closer but I don’t know if she did and that eats at me.

Excuse me I have to give my Dad a call, and wash my face now.

Good luck and God Bless.
Brad

[Ann - AF spouse]

Talk about God working in Mysterious ways... I have never seen a nun in an airport. The chance of a priest AND a group of nuns arriving just when you needed support is nothing short of a miracle!

[Jessica]

My Grandma passed away in Aug and she was my everything. She was a stubborn old lady and she knew exactly what she wanted! She made her own urn! She my dad and his sister and brothers go together had a church service for her and put her in her house with her things exactly the way she left it. So no I don't think it weird or wrong! I like the fact that she is right where she loved to be. At home.

[Griff]

You are hurting. You don't realize it. You need closure. We all have emotions about the passing of our parents at odd times. Your Dad would not want this. This is about you. GO HOME and Deal with your pain and loss, or you never will.

[Mrs. EMO]

I was very touched by what you wrote. My father passed away a year and a half ago. He had a relatively short battle with Pancreatic Cancer. My husband was of course on a 6 week deployment. I called the ship and let him know about my Dad. Before we had even hung up, they were making arrangements to send him home. We were shocked, I'd always assumed I would have to handle it alone. He had a great Captain at the time and they all assumed I would be going home. I didn't as my Mom and Dad have very similar views to the author's. There were alot of people who thought less of me for not going home, but it's not what my Mom needed. I believe if I had gone home, she would have fallen apart. Instead, she was able to handle everything and came to stay with us for 6 weeks in the summer. I think it was the best choice for both of us. People outside of the military have very little understanding of what it takes to make a strong military spouse. We are used to our needs coming last and living up to our committments regardless of our needs. I am very sorry for your loss and remember that you will always have the memories of your Dad in your heart!

[Marie]

This is a such a great post. I am still going through grief myself. I lost my brother last April of this year. I wasn't able to come home for his last few days and his memorial service. He was hospitalized for 3 weeks and was not getting better. He was overseas and I am here in the USA. I envy you though because your husband ask you which suitcase to pack. What my husband said was "let's talk about it". Meaning, talk about if I needed to go or not. I opted to stay due to financial reasons, my husband's new teaching job, my own job, and finding who would be able to take care of my school aged children. And yes, I thought it was more practical to send money home to help my family there financially than to spend on a $1500 airline ticket. My brother knew I was not able to come home. My only regret was to not to hear the same words your husband uttered to you. It meant support for you. Mine was more like "I need you here so you can help support me with my new job". In some aspects, that is true. It was my duty as a military wife to support him and keep the fort down. Also in reality, there was really nothing much I could have done to help my brother. I just wished my husband said something similar to what yours said to empathize with my lost. Again, thank you for sharing.

[Mary R Villano - JERSEY ANGEL]

Grief is a personal issue. We handle it in our own way....and no one should ever criticize us for our handling of our own grief.

At some point in our lives, we all must face the fact that we have crossed paths with loss. I have done it several times over my lifetime. Each time, I have handled the loss differently.

Each loss carries a different meaning to us. Those we feel closest to, we feel the loss more. This does not mean that the others we lose are less important. It is all about how much we have invested ourselves and how we are going to be able to go on without them.

Take care....he was your dad and you were prepared the way your father wanted for you.

JERSEY ANGEL

[ejgk]

Your decision is your decision, unique just like every individual person is, thus it is not odd. No one can ever tell you what is right for you. Your husband sounds like a wonderful, supportive spouse for saying what he did immediately after hearing the news, but I understand the frustration (if that's the right word to use) over being told your decision is odd.

I completely understand and can empathize on grief being processed differently and also having thoughts hit at the oddest moment. My dad passed away two and a half weeks after I moved to Germany - Nick had been here for 6 months already. We got the call in the middle of the night and Nick answered the phone b/c we figured it was work related. I did choose to go back but Dad's death was unexpected - he was on a business trip - and as much as I love my mother and brother, I knew they would need me there to hold them up. Also, we don't have any children and being brand new I didn't have any plans, jobs, or other commitments to keep me here, so it was easy for me to go back. I actually ended up staying back there for two and a half months, but when i decided to come back to be with Nick, my extended family and friends seemed to think it was extremely selfish of me to not stay longer. Some suggested I don't go back to Germany.

However, if this all were to have happened sometime in the next months when Nick is due home from a 15 month tour downrange, I don't know if I could leave - my duty is to be here for him. Many of my friends do not understand that concept, but since my parent's met in the military they do/did.

As for things happening that make the situation more of a reality, it will continue to happen, esp when shopping and around holidays. I"ve had two major situations. My biggest realization that my father had died was about a week after the burial. I backed out of the garage at my parents house and broke off the passenger side mirror b/c I was lost in thought. First reaction - pick up the phone and call Dad and let him know what happened, since technically the car was his. That's when I broke down, luckily I was alone. The second major event was this past spring. It had just been the two year anniversary of his death and I was heading to Holland to see the tulip gardens with some spouses. We got there and the beauty of the place made me have to leave my friends. See my dad had a green thumb and the Keukenhof Gardens was somewhere I had wanted to take him and my mother upon learning I was moving to Europe.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You will all know when the right time is to get together because it will work for all of you.

Thank you for this post. I sometimes forget how much grief I still have and its nice to be able to talk it out occasionally.

[Chunkle Bill]

Thank You,
Having experienced loss twice this year, the 2 are completely different. Uncle Tony Vietnam Vet. US Army Ret. Having never directly spoken about Nam. The family never knew he had gone there, until his death. One of his Army Brothers informed us at the funeral. The family believed he had been in Hawaii the whole time. In retrospect, it explains a lot about his words and mannerisms. In Tony's papers we found a commendation from the warden of a prison he had worked at as a guard in the mid 90's. For several hours, he single handedly guarded the armory. Dodging molotov cocktails, urine and hot water filled containers, along with anything the prisoners could use as weapons. Had he abandoned his post, the contained block riot, would have become a full scale armed riot. I remember hearing on the news, and asking if he had been there. In typical Tony fashion, "yeah, the prisoners threw hot water on me" SHEEESH.
Tony was the communication officer for the family. Keeping the family in touch he traveled back and forth across the country. You always knew when Tony visited, you were going to speak with the rest of the family at some point. His health had been in decline. It was a suprise but not completely unexpected. His loss is that dull ache, you speak of, that wells up to tears at times. Tony, We Love and miss you very much.

Logan (3) is another story. His young life was cut short by a negligent Texas Doctor. In 2003 we/Texans passed a constitutional amendment Prop 12, HB4, that gives doctors complete immunity in the deaths of children and elderly. Not even an apology. You must have a substantial income to be compensated, before it is worth a lawyers efforts.

Everyone has a concept of wailing. A very few actually understand. I'm not sure how, but almost daily it feels as though a giant fist crushes my nose and tears burst forth. The weight is so overwhelming you want to die so it will stop. Words can not describe Logan's loss, it is unfathomable. I'm just Chunkle Bill, not even Logan's Father.

We are working to get some Justice for Texas medical mistake victims. Texas doctor are like the Abu Ghirab guards. No accountability. Some continue to do the right thing, while others are "Consciously Indifferent" and even malicious. This focus helps suppress the anguish at times. But it seems an insurmoutable mission. Like screaming against the ocean. We move forward, because there is no other option. If we can keep this devastion from one family, maybe that's something.

Bill Pickle
(Chunkle Bill)

Odis G. Kendrick IV
(Logan’s Father)
Desert Storm Vet USMC

www.CrocswithSocsRocs.com “Logan's Voice”
E-mail: loganator@crocswithsocsrocs.com

Health Care Reform With Justice, Keep Doctors Accountable!

[Cheryl]

I beleive everyone handles grief in ther own way and time frame.There is no certain way or time it needs to be done. Our society makes us feel if we don go the family that we are wrong. I don't beleive society has the right to tell us how to grieve.
I lost my sister, husband, most favorite uncle and dad within one year.Plus I had to put my mother in a nursing as I did not havethe strength anymore to care for her as I did for bothe my parents for 5 years. It broke my heart. I woke up one morning and my husband was gone-it has been a year and I still cannot sleep in my bed. His socks are still by the and glasses still on the dresser,clothes in the closet and dresser. I am not ready to make the move to clean his things out. I can sorelate to what you are going thru. Don'e ever feel bad about how you are dealing with things. I am sorry for your loss and my thought and prayers are with you.

[lwvwt]

Being the oldest child, I took care of my Dad off and on 24/7 during the last 5 years of his life. Our Mom had died 7 years before that. I knew he missed her dearly. I could see him going downhill little by little and it came to a point when he needed 24/7 care, and to not in a convalesent home where he said he would never ever be. So I made the decision to quit my job and honor what was his last wish. It was one of the BIGGEST AND BEST decision I had ever made in my life (except marrying my husband) and I had the support of my husband and all 3 of my children who were older teens, because they knew it would be the quality care as they had also had during their life. This also made my Dad and I very, very close, as I had been out of his home 35 years. I had talked to Dad (and my mother) every day, while raising my own family. Although I was there with 24/7 care at different points of his last years, I nursed him back to where he could be by himself at night and I was able to be back with my family in the evenings like I was when I worked fulltime, so also did not disrupt my family completely. I still miss my Dad very much, and it's been a year. Everyone says with time it gets better and it is. I made a CD in a Power Point presentation of this life from birth to just before he died with some of his favorite songs, and during those down days, I reviewed it. It's getting less and less often with each day. I also have a large picture of my Dad and Mom in my living room, and when I go shopping I pick up flowers to put next to their picture. Closure is coming slowly.
A friend sent me this poem recently and it has helped a great deal. Everyone deals with death differently and TIME DOES HEAL THE ACHING HEART. Remember the Good times...

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.

Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author)
©Copyright 1998-2008

[Susan]

Having suddenly and unexpectedly lost my cherished husband of 20 years within the last year, I have found that dealing with the loss of a loved one is a difficult and arduous task that is not made any easier by organizations such as DFAS. I am still dealing with all the paperwork and difficulties of of trying to shift all of the legal, financial and personal accounts and data into my name. My husband had prepared well for his future death (influenced by his father death when my spouse was 6 yrs old) and the amount of paperwork is still mind boggling. I truly could have used more guidance and help during the last year to navigate all the pitfalls involved with my husband's death.

A family member provided an excellent book The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (I recommend that everyone read this book before your loved one dies) that helped me realize that my profound inability to concentrate, remember and function did not indicate that I was going crazy but that I was reacting in a normal fashion even though others thought I was progressing well. The expectations of him coming back through the door talking to him and finding that you start to do things for him even though he is dead are not unexpected reactions. I have found that a grief counselor has helped enormously. Granted I did not have the time to adjust and say good-bye that an extended illness affords, having family and friends that are willing to let a person openly grieve, are patient and take on some of the many burdens of the changed daily life of a widow truly helps during an overwhelming struggle.

Through all of the responsibilities that must be addressed, the emptiness and dispare of the loss of one's beloved never ends. A 'strong front' does not mean that the pain quickly lessens only that one still functions (much like taking care of life during a ballistic submarine deployment) even though half of you is permanently gone.

Grieving takes a long time and varies from person to person and somewhat depends on how intertwined a person is with their other 'half'. Allow time for an adjustment to an profound emptiness, pain to lessen and personal and shared rememberances.

[Nina]

I lost my husband (us Army Ret) this summer after 5+ yr battle with cancer. We knew it was close and after almost 36 hours straight with him took a break and got something to eat and when my daughter and I came back, he was gone. He never talked much about his time in the military, and didn't want much of a service. We had a simple memorial service for him. It's still hard to deal with, but I lost my dad when I was 19, so I sort of know what my daughter is going thru. She's only 12, but because she has been with us at so many doctor and hospital visits, is much more aware that most 12 yo's about what we went thru. I don't think it's weird that you didn't go home, as when my dad died, neither did I, but mom sent friends to college to pick up my sister and myself. Some day's it's as hard to think about dad as it is about Dan. Hopefully everything will balance for you soon.

[Janny]

I just lost my mother the day before Thanksgiving. There was a lot of dispute what to do at the very end of her life because she was on a ventilator. Once she passed away their was more disagreement about how to handle "the arrangements". I think that everyone handles things differently. We ended up doing a funeral mass, private "viewing hours" and a private burial. I will share my most humble opinion and hope you will take it constructively. When I had talked in the past I did not really want to think much about arrangements. However, the "viewing" , mass and other rituals helped me to see how much my mother meant to others and that she was, indeed dead. My mother was ill for about eight years or so, and we, too knew it was coming. I think in your situation you handled it very well. I would encourage you to do something for yourself so that you feel that there is true closure. I too, have had moments where I think, " Wait until I tell mom". This is normal. I do encourage you to go home when you are able to and to spend some time going over pictures, contacting friends or whatever will help you. Taking some time for yourself is important. You, your husband, children and job will benefit from it. God Bless. Janny