Owning up to Fear

Fear is the dark place we go when we contemplate the worst.    Fear is Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole.  Milspouses and milparents tumble down that hole more often than they will admit when there's a combat deployment involved.

In my life, I have feared many things.

I will honestly crawl up on a table if there's a spider on the floor.  I am terrified of spiders.  They have too many legs and they're just creepy.  I can't step on them but I can kill them with hairspray, cleaning solution, heavy books, etc.

I fear public speaking.  Nothing really helps me deal with that.  I have tried to visualize the audience in their underwear.  It doesn't work.  I am only more nauseated by doing so (no offense).  I almost flunked freshman  English because I had to give 5 speeches in one semester.  I thought that was brutal.

Now, with a loved one on deployment,  I have, again, real reasons to fear things.

I live at the end of a cul de sac.  Whenever I am coming home from running errands, I check before turning off the main road to see if there's an unfamiliar car waiting for me.  Would I keep driving if I saw one?  I don't know. 

Whenever the doorbell rings, I check to see who it is before I answer the door.  Would I not answer the door if someone in uniform was standing there?  In my silly little world, if I don't open the door, the worst has not happened.  I admit that that's ridiculous.  Would I really not open the door?  I don't know.

There are various scenarios that play out in my head in the early morning hours.  All of them have happened to other people so they are "fairly" realistic. I don't know what it is about 3:30 am but I have some serious conversations with myself at that time almost every morning.  It's prime time for the rabbit hole.

Fearing the loss of my son as a KIA or as a hostage run about equal for me.  Thinking about the possibility of either one will grab me in the pit of my stomach and take me on a rollercoaster ride.  What would I do?  How would I react?  Am I strong enough to deal with it?   It doesn't seem like I really would have a choice in the matter but fear and worry don't take that into account.  Remember, we're talking about the rabbit hole.

As milfamilies, we deal with the rabbit hole.  We know there's an end to it.  One way or another, be it through homecoming or something terrible, there is an end to it.  It's the dark part of deployment.

I prefer Alice's rabbit hole. 

 

Comments

[liberal army wife]

and it's a different rabbit hole somehow - because it's your baby. Husbands are one thing.. babies are another.

As you said, we have all done these things - but my dear SFW - you aren't alone.

LAW

[ArmyReserveWife]

You are not alone!!

[She of the Sea]

I must be a little selfish because I rarely worry about my husband. I'm too busy fearing that someone will break in while we're sleeping, or be in the house when we come home, or one of my kids will disappear when we're out. However, those fears are a million times worse when hubby is away. Maybe some kind of misplaced anxiety because I refuse to let myself think about any possible danger while he is gone. Heck, I worry more when he's driving to DC than I do when he's deployed. Hmmm? I'm going to have to think about that one for a while.

[NC Army Wife]

I went into a gas station this afternoon to buy a bottle of water. When I walked to the counter a man was standing there to one side not really doing anything. He had nothing is his hands, his hands might have been in his pockets. The clerk was counting 20's and at that moment I convinced myself I had walked into the middle of a hold up. I grabbed for my phone, put my keys in my hand like a weapon and panicked. It was just another over reaction that seem to happen way more often. I think my guard is always up now. I always imagine the worst because when that doesn't happen it is always better some how.

[angela]

I also worry more about my kids than my husband. At night I think about what if there was a fire. 3 kids in 3 different bedrooms upstairs and 2 dogs running around. There would be no way I could get them all out. And if I hear a noise downstairs I also think about there would be no way to get all the kids out. I worry more when out in town. I feel like I am outnumbered by people I have to care for alone. It didn't help a few weeks ago at the PX I sent my 11 year old daughter to take her brother to the bathroom while I stood outside with my other daughter and our buggy. I was just right there and when my kids came out my son was crying and my daughter was scared. Some grown women had said stuff to them that should not have been said. I cried once I got home because it made me feel like I just can't keep my kids safe when I am alone trying to raise them.

[She of the Sea]

Oh, Angela, I want to cry along with you. It is really disturbing that something like that would happen at the PX! I always think that the base is the place where we should be safe, but with these huge bases and sometimes open access, even bases aren't always as safe as they should be. Our last home was on a really small Army post where everyone knew everyone else and I always felt safe there. While I love my current home, when I'm not sleeping at 2 a.m. I wish that I could move back! Try not to feel bad, we SpouseBUZZers know that you are doing the best that you can!

[SeabeeSeniorWife]

SFW - I wish I had some words of comfort for you. I agree with LAW, it's definitely more difficult when it's your child. No matter their age, they will always be your baby. Just know he is held in prayers of protection by many. Our prayers also go out to you. He is very fortunate to have such a strong, supportive family at home. God Bless all of you and I hope you get some sleep tonight. Isn't it funny, that even when they're grown, they can still give you many a sleepless nights just like when they were babies :)

[Mare]

In a different way I do know your fear. The what if, and could it be, of course not your being silly way. I remind myself everyday that there are people far braver than myself that have to endure it on a daily basis.

All the rest of us can do is say thank you for your sacrifice and pray for you.

And I wish more people were more vocal of their support of you and your families.

Thank you, we know it's not easy but so few people know just how hard it is.

In the midst of darkeness there is always a light. It's called hope.

[Elisa]

There is no shame in being afraid. It took me awhile to learn that after hubby deployed. But it's okay to be afraid, and knowing I'm not alone in the fear dims it just a little bit...

[Laura, a Military Mom]

I understand, I did the same thing for the two deployments with Son #1. Sometimes the "what if's" are heart stopping. When he was home for his R&R on the last deployment his Sgt called our house and since we have the phones forwarded to our cells I got the call that he had to talk to our son. First it was his roommate had been seriously injured, my son was okay with that, but then three days later he called again and I knew it wasn't good news. Ryan had passed and we were there with our son to pick up the pieces. It was very hard to watch him go thru that and my heart was aching for his family. Now that #1 Son is home and I have had a chance to watch how he remembers his friend it gives me a deeper appreciation for the special brotherhood of the military. Hang in there, we will be keeping you in our prayers that as a Mom you are able to make it thru this deployment too.

[HomefrontSix]

As icky as the days could get while MacGyver was deployed, I always worried about his mom. She not only has to worry about MacGyver but his 2 brothers as well (both are Army and both have been/will be deployed). I always knew that, no matter how much I worried, she was worrying (and praying, I would bet) 10x as much.

And yes, I like Alice's rabbit hole better too.

[wendy's tiki hut]

I am a closet worrier. I don't want anyone to know that i worry, but sometimes when I'm driving down the road I'll start worrying about him. and then I work my way through the whole sad scenario.

It makes me more sad that my kids worry about their dad. Just last night my 7 year old ended up in my bed and told me she dreamed that her daddy died in war...