From the Mailbag: R&R - To Share or Not to Share

Reader CS sends this interesting exchange:

Dear Prudie,
My husband has been serving a 15-month tour in Iraq and has an 18-day R&R break in September, when we will celebrate our first anniversary, as well as take the GMAT exam and fill out applications for graduate school. His combat tour will be complete in February 2009. We had already discussed his R&R, and he said he just wanted to see me and was fine with not seeing family. But now his parents want to visit while he's here. His father talks incessantly and can be abrasive. He's a Vietnam vet and likes to express his reservations about the Iraq war. I just don't think that's what my husband needs, and others who have already had their R&R recommend spending all of it together and not trying to see others. What's the best plan here? Can I suggest they wait until February when he is (hopefully!) back for good, and we'll go visit them for a long weekend? Can I limit them to a four-day visit here? Or am I out of line for thinking a new wife has a say-so about familial guests at a sensitive time?

—Out-law

Dear Out-law,
You're not out of line to decide with your husband what to do with this precious time. But as annoying as your father-in-law may be, and as much as you and your husband may just want to drink in being with each other, it would be cruel not to let his parents get the comfort of spending some time with their son. All three of you are doing your best to get through the days until he is safely home. Do not deprive your in-laws of the relief of seeing for themselves that their soldier is all right. But there is nothing wrong with limiting them to a long weekend. When you tell them, don't say how little time you're giving them. Instead, explain that despite the leave being so short, and with the two of you squeezing into it both a second honeymoon and preparations for graduate school, you are really happy that you will be able to devote four days to their visit. If you're working during part of your husband's leave, it might be best if they came during the week—that way they could maximize their time with their son, and you could minimize your time with his father. And please express my gratitude to your husband for his service.

—Prudie

Link can be found here.

I didn't experience an R&R break on my husband's last deployment, but on the first deployment, he got two weeks, which fell perfectly over Christmas and New Years Day. I have to admit that I would have rather had him all to myself, but, at the time, his father was ill and his mother was, understandably, anxious to see her son. I planned a surprise visit home on Christmas Day. My husband's siblings knew we were coming, but my mother-in-law had resigned herself to a Christmas without her Army son. When she saw us come through the door, you should have seen the look on her face. I love that memory, and I love that my husband was surrounded by his family on that Christmas day, especially since he lost his father just one year later.

Even with all the packing up and flurry of travel in such a short time span, I don't regret our decision to spend a few days of R&R with his family. Had the R&R been in March or June or some time other than the holiday season, I'm not sure we would have hit the road. Perhaps so, because his family loves him, too, but the holidays are a time for family, so there was never a question as to what we should do.

However, I totally and completely understand the desire to spend every single moment -- alone -- with your spouse during R&R. I think that's a natural desire. After all, two weeks goes by like lightening and when it's been six months since you've seen your spouse, there's a lot of catching up to do.... I prefer the idea of having visitors come to us, rather than the other way around. Saves on the stress and time that travel requires. In our case, it isn't logistically feasible since all of my husband's family is located in the same town and there are more children than you can shake a stick at. It's easier for the two of us to pack up than have the whole crew caravan down to us.

Everyone has a different family dynamic and I'm sure our opinions on this will be diverse, but I'm interested in hearing what you think about this topic and how you and your spouse have dealt with R&R. Did you share, or spend the time alone? Would you do anything differently next time?

Comments

[Stevesprincess]

My DH is finally coming home for good very very soon. He has been on a 15 month deployment, and my mother-in-law wants to be here for the HC. I don't have a problem with that, but she is making a huge deal out of that fact I can't give her exact times or dates right now, and doesn't seam to understand that even when I have that info it will more than likey change. She also said that we have to spend that whole first 24 hr with her and can't go anywhere without her. How do I make her understand I have know control over when he comes home, and that we need sometime as a couple alone? We are not newly married or new to the military, we have been married for 15 yrs and he has been in the Army for almost 18 yrs. I want her to be able to see her son, but I want her to remember that he is married and has a family of his own to reconnect with.

[liberal army wife]

Our R&R was over the holidays as well, and we spent part of it visiting our son, DIL and for DH to see his granddaughter for the first time. I loved seeing them, but yeah, I wanted us to just hole up and not come out of the house for those 2 weeks! My SIL decided that I was some sort of evil troll for not inviting them up to see us (paying for them/flights/etc too, I think...) and since I hadn't heard from his uncles/aunts/cousins for the entire deployment up to then, decided they didn't need to see him either!

Personally, I would ask the in/out laws to visit, but limit them! and if they say why can't we have the whole two weeks... if you have to LIE... say you are taking off for a while, you have a fun surprise trip planned... whatever. familial sturm und drang is not what he or she needs right now, they both need each other and REST! it's not restful to anyone to have the whole family soap opera going on around your ears. A chaplain in our unit put it well " it's REST and RELAXATION, not Run and Run time..."

my two cents..

LAW

[Linda]

I had a discussion similar to this recently! My friend was upset that her hubby's parents came for the entire time of R&R. While they didn't stay in my friend's home, they were still there, and she felt like she had no "special" time to be with her hubby. She'd had their 3rd child while he was deployed, and the baby was now almost 6 months old, and she wanted time for their new family to bond wholly...as well as for daddy to bond with his baby girl (he later said it felt like he was in the wrong house, or that they were babysitting someone else's child, because he missed that bonding time, but that's for another topic, I think).

Anyway...another friend told me they booked a vacation away (to the Bahamas) during her hubby's R&R time. They spent the entire time there. While it upset routines of school, it did not upset the routine embedded into family life (for 8 months) without dad around. It was easier for them to get into the swing of things, since her dh didn't come home and totally turn things upside down trying to adapt to a different life for only 18 days.

She said the told other family members that they were welcome to book a room at the same resort, but whoever wanted to come would have to pay their own way...and that they would have to remember that as much as they are still family (moms and dads, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc), the FIRST priority would be to wife and children and most of their time would be spent that way.

She later said that his mom and dad flew in for a few days...they were at a different hotel, and they saw each other for a few hours every day, but that it worked out really well.

[Andi]

We had the first couple of days to ourselves, then we hit the road. We spent about three days with his family, then took a trip to Florida so that we could unwind and enjoy the reunion, just the two of us. I have wonderful in-laws, and they would never impose on our time together, but even so, I would never agree to spending every hour of the first 24 hours with anyone. That always has been, and always will be, our time. I understand parents wanting to attend the homecoming ceremony, it's something to see, but after the hugs, kisses and tears are over, and after they've seen for themselves that their son or daughter is alive and well, I think the parents need to give the couple some time together. Just my two cents....

Stevesprincess - Maybe you should have your husband deal with his mother. Let him explain that there are no "concrete" dates/times for his arrival and she'll have to go with the flow.

[Elisa]

What an interesting topic.
What a difficult decision. Because you're right, every family dynamic is different so a right decision for me might be the wrong one for another Army couple.
I'm super lucky, in that I love my in-laws. They were here for 6.5 days during hubby's 18-day R&R. It was definitely overwhelming at times having extra people in the house after being alone for almost 10 months. But his parents and sister were the only ones we decided to have come, nobody else.
Next time around I would do it the same. Have his parents come to us. But since it would be our second time around, I'd want his best friend to come too. I sort of regretted that he didn't come, since if anything happened to hubby overseas it would have been a last chance for them to see each other.

There is no easy decision when it comes to deployment.

[Marine Wife]

Stretch's R&R happened to coincide with our oldest's birthday. So we arranged for hotel rooms and met everyone in another town (halfway between us and my in-laws) for the weekend. We had a family birthday party and hung out for a weekend but the rest of the 2 weeks was just us.

[Laura, a Military Mom]

Since #1 Son wasn't married we were able to be the ones there although he made plans for his girlfriend to come here to stay with us while we waited for him to arrive. Of course it was on again, off again until he finally arrived and she was here a whole week (her spring break) and to keep her busy I brought her to my work and had her as contract labor. It was during this time we really got to know her which really helped when the redeployment happened. Over the course of his R & R was his brother's wedding so he was able to see relatives without them hanging out at our house and he was able to have some special time with his girlfriend. I would hope that if we see another deployment we would be able to have some special time (some meals and sit around time) but not all of his time, because if they had been married we would have known that they need their own time...but really it's a hard place for all of you spouses and that's just another area to pray for all of you.

[HH7]

In these cases I always always always go with what my husband wants. After all, he's the one coming home from war and it's his "vacation."

If he doesn't want family here I face the firing squad first so hopefully he doesn't have to deal with the fallout but if I get any extensive grief for it I let him know and he puts his foot down and says no second.

If he does want family here then they're absolutely welcome in our home with open arms & we deal with the crazy.

But we do have some ground rules. It's immediate family only (we save extended family visits for block leave), we don't let them be here the day of arrival or departure, and they have to work around our calendar if we already have something planned. That may mean they get 3 days or 7 days or 12 days but it is what it is - take it or leave it.

We have the same rules in place for D-day and Homecoming.

The first time he deployed I was scared to tell his parents how we wanted it work but we finally just had to stick to our guns and be honest with them. It helps if your husband is available to speak up too if needed. In the end his parents completely understood once we explained the whys and they had no problem getting on board with the program. They've been out to visit before, during, and after each deployment and each one was great experience. My husband wasn't all keyed up, he could actually relax and enjoy it (even with all the questions and smoothering of love) because it was all on his terms.

[angela]

We had the same problems with R&R. While he was here people were calling nonstop trying to get us to come over. Most got their feelings hurt but if we had gone to every family and friend's house we would have had double booked nights every night. Plus he told his mom he wanted to spend most of his time with us so she called his sister crying and my hubby got an ugly email before R&R had even started. He called upset saying the plane hadn't even landed an the crap had started. We tried to get away the first weekend and his family showed up at the cabin. Next weekend he planned a trip with family to a state fair. We took a seperate car and accidently on purpose lost them in traffic and went to a different gate entrance and it took them until 6 that night to find us. That was like being a teenager again sneeking around only harder trying to get the kids to keep quiet about our locations. He wanted to sneak into town without anyone knowing but I told him that would only cause us more problems with them in the future. Got to get off now since the whole and I mean whole bunch of inlaws are coming for the weekend. I thought about breaking the water heater then telling them they have to stay in a hotel.

[angela]

I forgot to mention the article that his family put in the paper a few weeks before R&R. You would offer to put me in the witness protection program if I told you the whole story.

[Guard Wife]

Oh, sweet Lord. In thinking about Hubs' going away again, I completely and TOTALLY did not even think about R&R. We didn't have one on his last overseas deployment. Instead, the soldiers' had 2.75 off and anyone who wanted to could visit their soldier overseas. It was cute to see moms & dads & younger sibs showing up to visit those young PFCs, but I'm betting they wanted to cut loose with their buddies too.
MAN. I do NOT want to think about this now. Ugh. Ugh. UGH! The send-off and homecomings and in-law drama during the last deployment were enough to make me want to jump off a ledge.

Oh, and Steve's Princess, I know this is evil, but when I read your comment about his mother insisting you spend the first 24 hours with her, I giggled. I would be tempted to say, "Well, I guess it's okay as long as you don't mind us being naked the entire time." What a dumb thing to insist upon!

[Erin]

I would let your DH decide what he wants to do. It's HIS time off, and he deserves to call the shots, as much as we'd like to be in control to some extent. If he decides he doesn't want his parents to visit, I would have him tell them, that way you don't look like the bad guy.

Thank goodness that my FIL is retired AF, so he knows the drill and knows that my time with DH is precious. I also don't have a MIL that I am battling with, so it makes my job really easy!

[Andi]

Laura - It was nice to read your comment from a parent's perspective.

I had to laugh at Guard Wife's comment because, I mean really, we're dealing with two people who haven't had seen each other in six months (or longer) and I would think it would be fairly obvious to friends, family and parents that there might be a rather intimate item listed at the top of the to-do list.

[liberal army wife]

Andi - As Guard Wife said at SB Bragg - get that over with first!

When it was our son that was deployed, I went to the airport and met him and his girlfriend came too. we went to dinner, then they took off and he came over to our house about 3 days later. She had to go back to work, so he hung out with me during the day, and went out with her at night. My DH was deployed somewhere else at the time, so it was a bit strange. My parents understood that he couldn't fly/drive to see them.

LAW

[A Soldier's Wife]

My husband and I had agreed that it would just be us during R&R until right before he was coming home, when he announced to me that his father said they were coming, their idea, not his....I put my foot down and held it there, it was our family, we made the decision and so I negotiated with them to be here when he came back at the 15 month mark, explained that there were things we had to address during R&R, as most people find they do, that the 18 days go by very fast and just about the time we had gotten used to him being home, he was gearing up to leave. This was a very emotional time for everyone and having the extended family around was going to cause more anxiety ....and so they did not come for R&R but they were here for the week prior to the window of time he was to return and they stayed for a few days after he got back. Long enough for them to know their son was okay, to feel like it was safe to go home and know that things were going to go back to normal, well to as normal as life can be while this nation is at war and the threat is always there that he would have to return for a fourth time.

[Reasa]

Oh goodness!! This brings back so many memories and worries for the next deployment. We like to spend the first few days alone as a family and then have a big day for all friends and family. We pick the location and time and tell everyone to chip in or stay gone. (With 7 of us it gets expensive for just us) My family and our friends are always cool with it. His family is a totally different story. We can go 7 or 8 months without hearing from them and then they want all of his time. No matter what they agree to they try to change it to suit what they want and invite others who have no connection to us. We put our foot down and deal with the whining and attitude but it is Hubby's time.
It is a break for the whole family. The one who stays home needs to not be the ONE and ONLY for kids and other family members and the one deployed needs to be LEFT ALONE. It is the only way we have seen to keep our sanity and make it through any time of leave or R&R.

[loquita]

OMG Guard Wife I choked on the food I was eating when I read the last part of your comment!!!

"Oh, and Steve's Princess, I know this is evil, but when I read your comment about his mother insisting you spend the first 24 hours with her, I giggled. I would be tempted to say, "Well, I guess it's okay as long as you don't mind us being naked the entire time." What a dumb thing to insist upon!"

LOL!!

You and Andi just had to go there *again* didn't you?? :-p

[MrsArmyWife]

Regarding Erin's comment about letting him be the one to make the call because it's his time off - isn't it your time off, too? I work full time and I've been doing the single mom thing to boot, his R&R is just as much MY R&R, in my opinion. It's BOTH of our break and BOTH of our decision.

Having said that, we let my outlaws come out for a 4 day weekend and sent them packing after that, and just spent the rest of the time as a family.

[Nonnie48]

I always thank God I have wonderful in-laws. They have never tried to intrude on our time and are completely understanding of how the times change and are limited. They have never come or asked to come for any of his 3 homecomings. They were here for his most recent departure but mainly because we had offered our 2nd vehicle for them to have instead of sitting unused for 15 months. And despite being here, they did not go with me to see him off that morning. I totally expected them to and didn't mind but they said no they were fine with saying goodbye at the house. Still amazes me. For his R&R (first time we had to deal with this), we spent a few days alone then made the 12hr trek to our families in NY. I think we were there about a week and then back home for a few more days alone.

[Jen]

My husband is nearing the end of his 15 month deployment (only 2 weeks left!) He took his R&R in early December and left 2 days before Christmas to return to Iraq. My best advice is to ask your husband what he wants. If he still just wants it to be the two of you then tell the in-laws that's just how it is going to be. I have that problem with my parents (not his family)- always wanting to get in the middle of things. I have to be stern and make sure that whatever decision is made is the best decision for the two of you (and kids if any). I know I've hurt some feelings of family with this but he is the one deployed and he is the one taking R&R to do whatever HE wants to do. I wanted to be selfish and keep him to myself the whole R&R but he wanted to see my family as well as his so that's what we did, with limited time frames of course! IMHO it's best to allow him to relax and enjoy what he wants to do instead of making others happy and him not so happy.

[Becky]

I would think it would be something that the two of you could talk about and decide on together, and then back each other up on it. I know I'd want time w/him to myself for a few days, but also would not want to be selfish if his parents wanted to see him. So, I'd go with whatever he wants. If he doesn't want to see his parents, it's not on your conscience. I definitely would hold his mom off a few days though. I'm with the other ladies on the being naked the 1st 24 hours. LOL Good luck.

[Shanon]

I am so happy to see (sorry gals) that I am not alone. My Hubby had to divorce his family when he deployed in 2004. (we have since had many separations peacefully) They literally tried to break up our marriage, sighting that a "wife" was NOT BLOOD and therefore only BLOOD family should have access. They were horrible, sending nasty threats in emails and calling our home. I had to block the phone numbers and spam the emails. It was horrific. My husband comes from 6 kid family and he had not noticed the whole time growing up that no one got any privacy. It was not until he went in the Navy that he got a taste of true freedom. He is in the Air Force now, 8 years. (total military career so far 18 years)I hated that he had to cut them off but he saw no other choice. They refused to accept any limitations - no meet in the middle so to speak. I am truly envious of people who have "typical" family life with their InLaws. I only wish my poor hubby did not have such a terribly dysfuntional family. Thankfully, my family is right there and completely respectful of our family boundaries.

Good luck. We have always stood firm, our family unit takes precidence and everyone outside the circle has to Adapt and Overcome or lose out completely.

YOU AND HUBBY AND KIDS ARE ALWAYS FIRST - ALWAYS.

Good luck

[megan]

All you need to do is communicate, and being nice is not always the best answer. Talk to your husband about your reservations before-hand. You don't want to spend your husband's R&R feeling resentful or angry. Even the most collected and calm people don't enjoy screwing on a smile every morning and unscrewing it at night... and it's not likely that your husband wouldn't notice your dilemma. Hope it works out...