Ick, I'm the Crabby One

If I break in two,
will you put me back together?
When this puzzle's figured out
will you still be around?
--Uncle Tupelo

A couple of my friends have mentioned to me recently that right before deployment, their husbands have been acting like jerks.  This is quite well-documented as one of the Stages of Deployment.  It is not entirely uncommon for the deploying soldier to pull away emotionally from the family, because, as the link says, "From a psychological perspective, it is easier to be angry than confront the pain and loss of saying goodbye for six months or more."

Since my friends brought this up, I have been more finely attuned to the pre-deployment stage in my own household.  And armed with this meta-knowledge, I have come to realize something.

I'm the one acting like a jerk around here.

I've been unnecessarily crabby and mopey lately.  And I hate myself for it because I know what's causing it and why it's happening.  But I still can't seem to make myself stop being cranky.

Luckily, I am armed with this knowledge, so after I pout for a while, I can at least go up to my husband and apologize and blame it all on anticipatory grief.  At least it's good that I know why I'm acting crazy.

I just wish I could stop.

No one wants to spend the last weeks together in a grouchy mood.  I want to be feeling lovey-dovey and happy.  Unfortunately, in our household we have more emotional stress than just the deployment these days -- that's a whole different future SpouseBUZZ post -- and it's really taking its toll on me.  But I'm going to keep trying my hardest to force myself to stop the drama.

Thankfully, I do have a husband who will put me back together if I break in two...

Comments

[Susan]

It's happening at Chateau L, but here's the deal: we don't even have official orders yet and we are months out from deployment #2.

He gets in super "soldier mode" and I have to remind him I'm not one of his men, please watch his tone. I get super crabby and he, well, reminds me I'm super crabby. We have not been able to find that "balance" yet, but we put each other back together. For some reason, it seems as though there are always more pieces of me to pick up.

[Reasa]

We just found out Hubby will be heading out again soon after he checks in. I am the one who gets cranky and down right mean at times.

I don't want to be that way but I am learning that it is because I want Hubby to leave so we can get this over with. I also don't wnat him to go so I feel torn between being a good wife and being a horrible wife because I want him out of here asap so we can go on with life.

[Elisa]

The pre- present- and post-deployment dynamics are so interesting. They all give us such a vast array of emotions. It'd be scary if we didn't take a little while to adjust and find the balance in each situation.
At least we do know where it comes from, like you said, and we can confront it and try to beat it as soon as possible.

[A Soldier's Wife]

We all have our ways of handling this....whether you fall into the stages of deployment, which I think are all together to generalized, or it just being how we, in and of ourselves react to the knowledge of what we are about to go through. I have reacted like you on one deployment, another way another time and completely centered a third...it depends on where you are in your personal life and what type of direction you take on the deployment itself. No one person reacts the same, even given the same circumstances. I'm glad your husband is understanding, mine was too, and it kind of threw him the next time that I was not all freaked out when he left. But when you have other issues going on, this too can add to the stress you feel and build on your fear that is fueling your AG....a topic I could write a book on....I can only say that in time most of us become less of the way we are in the beginning, we become calmer and more secure once things are settled down range, but no one can tell us how to feel, how long to feel it, we all have to feel what we feel for as long as we feel it, that is what makes us uniquely individual.....and who we are.

[Sarah]

A Soldier's Wife -- You're right; I don't remember feeling like this at all last time. And for me at this stage in my life, it's much more than just the deployment that's stressing me out. But I still hate that I am having a hard time controlling it, that I can't shut the negative feelings off and just be happy. I plan to keep trying though.

[airforcewife]

I feel ya, Sarah. I get the SAME way.

I've taken up boxing lately. I originally started it to tone the arms, but it feels really good to punch at things. I even make mean faces. Puts me in a better mood, too.

So... it's one thing to try. :)

[Slightly Salty]

I feel you too Sarah! I've been the crabby one in the past sometimes and Reasa described it perfectly. Feelings on opposite ends of the spectrum are present simultaneously and it just makes you nuts.

[Ann M.]

I am the mean one around here, too. My husband takes a step back emotionally before he leaves, and even though I understand, its hard for me to deal with. I think you just have to be patient and kind to yourself right now, and honest with your hubby. This is a tough period to get through. And you will.