What's Love?

I know for a fact that my husband loves me more than anything.  He's proven it.  How?

Last week he not only burned me a CD of my favorite Neil Diamond songs, but then he PLAYED IT IN THE CAR without being asked or prompted.

Of course, he did turn it off when we were going through the gate (he knew the SP on duty), but as soon as the windows were rolled up he turned it right back on.

That's love.

When I talk to new military spouses, one of the first things I tell them is not to look for answers to their relationship problems on Dr. Phil, on MSNBC or on any of the other popular psych sites of the moment.  The very first thing we have to learn about having a military marriage is that we can not use the same measures of relationship success that others can.  My husband is not going to come home many nights.   He's going to be gone for months on end.

And it has nothing to do with how much he loves me. 

It did take me quite a while to get used to this.  My expectation was that by coming first in hubby's life, it meant that I could say - as paraphrased by Honey in The Incredibles, that hubby was not going to put on his super-suit this time because we had dinner plans. 

Yeah, um, that's not quite how it works.  Because, first and foremost, it's not only about how much my husband loves me - it's also about how much I love my husband.  I love my husband more than anything, and because I do, I recognize that the person he is (the one that I love so much) is a military man.  It is not a job for him, it IS him - who he is.  And because I love him, I have to make those allowances.

See?  This is how I show hubby how much I love him.

But the fact that hubby is not a conventional husband that follows the conventional Dr. Phil rules about conventional marriage doesn't mean he isn't in love with me.  I had to learn through many years of marriage how to gauge the love being shown by by my military man, because there just aren't any books that explain it.  His "language of love" is different.

For instance, Neil Diamond.  That was a tough one for my Metallica fan husband to do.  But he did it for me.

One of my favorite military-language-of-love stories came from Lemon Stand, whose husband would pick flowers during deployment to press and bring home with him.  How absolutely meaningful!  Joan d'Arc's husband sent her the sweetest one month anniversary gift!   And armywifetoddlermom's sweetie has sent her love letters to treasure.

So, when is "The Five Languages of Military Love" going to be published?  I do think Family Readiness should stock it in bulk.

Comments

[Love My Tanker]

VERY well said AFW!!

[Penny]

Awww :) .. I love Neil Diamond too! I actually have a record player and have his greatest hits album #1 and another live one. Dh hasn't burned a cd for me, but he doesn't groan in pain as much when I would play it hehe..

[Erin]

This is a great posting because it is so true! I don't think Dr.Phil would know WHAT to do with a military relationship because it is different.

[SemperFiWife]

This is such a wonderful post, AFW..
I think the American public might be surprised to know just how sweet our guys and gals can be. They only see the uniform and (on the surface) the job but there is more to them than that. So much more.

I remember that picture from 2003 of the soldier in Iraq (with the bandana and glasses) smelling his letter from home.
That always makes me cry a little.

I remember a returning Marine (advance party and I made sure I was there to see this) meet his brand new twin daughter and son. Not an easy pregnancy, not an easy time of it at all. He kissed his wife, kissed his 2 year old son, scooped up both babies'car seats and yelled,"I'm ready to go home!!"
Not a dry eye in the parking lot.

Personally, I know Lancelot loves me because he'll dance with me at the Birthday Ball.
Not exuberantly but patiently with a slight "I can't believe I'm doing this" smile on his face as he mimics almost perfectly the dancing groundhog from Caddyshack...

Vive l'amour...

[Jewel]

What a great post AFW; you all have me really missing my DH right now. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder and mine is overflowing right now. My husband has sent me some of the most beautiful cards and letters while he's been deployed and I will cherish them forever. We also just passed the halfway point of his deployment and he surprised me with a dozen roses and box of chocolates to mark the occasion. But when my DH is home, he shows his love for me by doing little things around the house like going to the grocery, doing the dishes or washing my car. It may not seem like much to someone else, but it's his way of showing that he loves and cares for me. It's sad to say, but I usually took these things for granted. Boy, nothing like a deployment to show how good you really have it when he's home!

[Marine Wife]

Ah, yes, the once-a-year dance at the Birthday Ball...
:-)
It isn't everyday, but they DO have their moments, don't they? One Christmas, Hubs (who is NOT known to be great gift giver) had me, my sister & our mom in tears not because of his gift to me but because of the note that accompanied it.

[Jewel]

I almost forgot the thing he does that makes me melt the most. My DH usually rises before I do on Sunday mornings and heads downstairs to make the coffee and check his email. When I finally crawl out of bed and begin a lazy, relaxing Sunday with him, he goes to get his first cup of coffee of the morning, and brings me one too...with cream, just like I like it. It really is the little things, isn't it?

[Ann M.]

Before DH left on this latest deployment, he ran out after midnight to gas up the car, buy me some chocolates, and get a card so he could sneak it onto my pillow before he left. It's just little things that he does to make sure that I'm taken care of and thinking of him when he goes that lets me know he cares.

[Lemon Stand]

I didn't have time earlier to leave the post I wanted to but I have to say that I think most of the military marriages I know of are stronger because we don't take the little things for granted. We may be physically apart from our loved ones but we are never alone because we carry a piece of them and they a piece of us that sustains us through the hard times.

As usual, a great thought provoking post AFW. As for your Neil Diamond... Now THAT's love! :o) (Course I personally love Nat King Cole...)

[Navy Wife Sarah]

My husband found out from his command that he had to return to work on the Monday following our wedding...and he found out the week we got married. It was an out-of-town wedding, which meant I had to come home with our family and friends afterwards (he was in a barracks with 2 roommates). On our 1 week anniversary, he had a single red rose sent to my house. And on Monday when he was able to check out of his school and come home, he left at midnight and drove all night...I woke up to him crawling into bed with me at 7:30 in the morning!

Thanks for this post! My husband is gone for some training right now, and I'm missing him more than ever!

[Chuck]

I always burn a CD of love songs for my Mrs. before we deploy. Everything, from cd cover and insert, to the album art and even the image printed on the CD has meaning--a favorite picture, something.
The songs aren't things I wish I could say; I've never had any problems telling my Mrs. that I love her. I say it early and often. The songs are just songs that remind me of her or of special times with her and the kids.
Neil Diamond has appeared, as well as willie nelson, but so has mike myers singing from the shrek album.
I keep the cd hidden until zero-hour, when I either give it to her or already have it loaded in the cd player. It usually takes her a couple weeks to start listening, and then only a song or two at a time before the tears start.
However, although I do special things for my Mrs. before and during a deployment (don't get me started on 1-800-FLOWERS) I never wait until I am gone or leaving to do or say the most special things.
And I think that is really the key to a happy Army Marriage. The spouse realizes that the Military comes first because it says it comes first, and we soldiers focus intently on our jobs because lives are at stake, but given the choice, we'd be cuddled up next to you, your 2-day leg stubble scratching our legs, thnking about things other than work, and wanting to discuss whatever "comes up."

Further commentary on this at http://tcoverride.blogspot.com
--Chuck

[Lemon Stand]

I believe that a good marriage happens when you work at it vigilantly whether either person is in the military or not.

Chuck, you nailed it so perfectly.

[Erin]

My husband actually went to the Cowgirl Hall of Fame Museum with me this past weekend...I love stories about the Old West and cowgirls and things like that and I loved it! He did not...but not once did he complain or say he was bored and want to leave. Besides doing things like that for me, he does little things like the dishes (which I absolutely LOATHE doing), helping with dinner and breakfast and other seemingly small things that really mean a lot.
Chuck-You definitely have it right and I think the CD is a wonderful idea as well

[Erin Marie]

"Quality not the Quantity" issue: Savoring a moment.

Earlier I was always sad when I saw a couple even in the grocery store together and I would think...if he really cared he would be here for that.

But NO! Now, I know better. Because he really cares and really loves me...he takes the few moments that he has free and spends them with me. Whether it is ordering a pizza and watching a movie, or going to the grocery store at 4am to buy ice cream...we have learned to enjoy the tiny moments we do have, and relish them as the ever so important.

I know the "If he could, he would...and he wants to but he just can't right now...so when he can, I am here." That is his love for me, his time.