Temporary single parent

One of the most common questions I have been asked during this never-ending deployment is, "How do you DO the single parent thing?" That is often followed up with "I could never do that" or "I don't know how you do it". In the beginning, I didn't think I could do it. Sometimes I still don't.  But it gets done. We're heading into month 15 and the kids are alive and I'm not in jail.

So, how do you do it? I can't give you fool-proof ideas but I can share with you what worked for us.

A lot of this depends on how old your kids are, where you're stationed/living during the deployment, etc. My kids are 6 and 3 and we live in Hawaii. The first thing I did was to start talking to them about the deployment a few months out. I explained to them that Daddy was going to have to go to Iraq (we looked Iraq up on a map and checked out age-appropriate books on Iraq from the library to help them understand WHERE he was going) for "several months". They were young enough at that point to not really have a firm concept of time and saying "a year" seemed overwhelming - to them and to me.

Once we got past that initial shock, I enlisted the kids in helping me come up with an "adventure list". We combed through the tourist books and came up with adventures - big and small - to keep us occupied throughout the year. The smaller ones - beach trips and park outings - we planned for the weekends when his absence would be felt the most. The bigger ones - water park trips, hops to other islands, museum visits, botanical garden adventures, and special events in town - we saved for school breaks and holidays. They gave us things to look forward to and helped to break up the monotony. Basically we became tourists in our own neighborhood.

As a parent, I came to rely heavily on routine. I function better - and so do my kids - if they know what to expect. We almost crave it. Bedtimes are set. Rules are set (the big ones). Activities are set (within reason). It helped us to feel as though we were in control of a situation that was so much bigger than us.

With regard to rules, I discovered an "If/Then Chart" that I now use that covers the 10 most basic infractions and the consequences of those infractions. It's predictable. The kids were able to see the logic behind the consequences and that helped them to feel as though they were a part of the decision-making process of the house. And it took the pressure off of ME to be the sole disciplinarian in the house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. In fact, once got the chart (you can Google "If/Then Chart") we wrote to my husband and asked him if he had any suggestions on consequences for the different infractions. He appreciated being included and it helped to remind the kids that, even though Daddy is gone, he is STILL a part of this family and its' functions.

We also made sure to have FUN. Once or twice a month, we do "Movie Night". We haul out the pillows and blankets, pop up some popcorn, bust out the M&Ms, and pop in a movie (thank goodness for Netflix!). The kids love cuddling, eating junk food, and watching a movie they've not seen before (their favorite so far is "Sound of Music"). I love the fact that I get to spend some quality time with my kids and forget about the fact that I'm the only adult in the house. We do breakfast for dinner at least once a month (more if I'm not up to cooking!). We go out for ice cream a heckuva lot more than we do when Daddy's home. We do what we can to make the best out of the fact that it's just the 3 of us for now. And we take LOTS of pictures to send to Daddy.

As a parent, I would encourage anyone dealing with a deployment to find a reliable child-care option. Whether it's the neighbor, a teenager from a family in town or at church, a local day care center, or the Child Development Center on post...USE IT. I'm not advocating pawning your child off on anyone and everyone all the time but I know so many women who feel guilt over the thought of day care or a babysitter. Time for yourself - time to run errands on your own or grab a bite to eat on your own or hit the gym, read a book, or even clean the house ON YOUR OWN - is vital to maintaining sanity. I have found that my relationship with my children is better when I have time for myself. There is less pressure. Less stress. I feel more focused. They seem to listen better and work better with me. And they enjoy it. I wouldn't take them somewhere they didn't enjoy being and my kids (being the opinionated and mouthy things that they are) will tell me if they don't like something. It gives all of us a few moments to recharge. Which gives ME the ability to focus properly on THEM when I am with them. I am a better parent when we all have a little time apart. The saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt" can be seen in action in my house when my husband is gone for extended periods of time. I have a feeling it is this way for many families.

Life as a "kind of" single parent is a balance. It's a balance between you and the kids. It's a balance between sanity and insanity. It's like walking a tightrope above an alligator-infested pit carrying a flaming bucket of snakes. Well, it can be for me on certain days. Take it day by day and do your best to have some fun. My goal during this deployment was to be able to look back on this year and smile. Smile because we made it but also because my kids and I had some fun together and strengthened our bond. I'd say we've done well. I hope this helps a bit.

Comments

[MO]

That chart is a good idea, I found something sort of like it, but it would be easy to create a spreadsheet and do your own, I'm all about free :)

http://www.easychild.com/Free-Printable-Chore-Charts.htm

And I agree with routine. Keep things as close as you can to how things run when your soldier is home. Somethings will change and you will have new routines that work for you but basically the rules are there and like you said let them know that their dad/mom isn't physically there, but they still can hand out the praise and discipline.

[Marine Wife]

Love the chart idea, will have to look that up. Also, totally agree about routine. My sister is amazed at how early my kids go to bed, but they HAVE to: that's my time. And yes, yes, yes, to the childcare! I should have done more of that over the summer! Any you know what, therapy doesn't hurt, either. Just finding someone to talk to about the stresses who can help you to remember to take care of yourself is a good idea. And let's face it, it's a marathon not a sprint and we have to pace ourselves!

[Pattie]

I appreciate these suggestions, and I have to say some of them I learned the hard way this summer on my own! :) I love the idea of the If/Then chart...and I also know the value of short/long trips. I wish I'd set up more of a routine for the weeks we were home and the girls got bored. Ah well, I will be better prepared for the next one! :)

[Sarah]

I don't have kids yet, but I imagine I will refer back to this info someday :)

[Love My Tanker]

Excellent post HF6 and super great advice. Thanks so much for sharing, I know this will help many.

[Penny]

Thanks for this post.. I forget who actually told me this but they said to me, "How does it feel to be a single parent?" and remembered I just stared at then with an unhappy look on my face. As for me though, I don't consider myself a 'single' parent, granted the baby is still a baby so it's a bit easier for me since he doesn't know otherwise. I do try to keep Dh involved as much as I can and even though he's 'over there' he spoils the baby. He researches toys and e-mails me the link asking me if we can buy this for the baby and I go out buy it and e-mail pictures and videos of the baby using it. I guess what bothered me the most about the person's comment was the fact they were assuming Dh wasn't a part of the baby's life and he is. I have pictures posted all over the room of him and after 2 months of teaching him to say 'da-da' .. He finally did! And those were his first words. I like how you put it HF6, "like a single parent" and I love the suggestions you gave on here. These are ideas that I will keep with me and are also great to use when Dh is home too! We definitely have an interesting road ahead of us since this is our first child :)

[Jan Wesner]

I often call myself a "temporarily single parent."
I don't how true single parents do it. There are so many days when I feel like I just have nothing left to give.
http://blogs.tampabay.com/standingby/

[HomefrontSix]

When DD was about 18 months old, MacGyver was gone for a few months to a school. She became quite proficient at saying "da-da" because we talked about "daddy" ALL. THE. TIME.

When MacGyver left this time, I used one of the on-line photo shops to get Daddy Books for each of the kids. I selected a bunch of pictures of the kids and their dad as well as individual pictures of him and put them together in a book for the kids. They each also have a framed photo near their beds of him. And, any time we are faced with a decision or situation that requires parental input, we always discuss what daddy would say. I do all that I can to make sure that he stays as included as possible in our daily lives in the hopes that, when he does come home, we can pick up where we left off.

It seemed to work when he was home on R&R so hopefully it will work this time too.

[Marine Wife]

We do something similar H6. Here's hoping it worked!

[kathleen]

As I read your post , I wondered if I should respond, I am older, a military grandma, not a spouse. I am seeking more about the life of our young families in the military, and have written a book to help young children with the idea of a parents deployment.This book uses common playground and home experiences to help children understand that the whole family is making a sacrifice for their country and shows them that this is honorable. It also speaks to the loneliness and the waiting that you all know so well. the book is written to bring up discussion between child and parent.I hope you will not mind that I ask if this sounds like something of interest to you? I am not interested in the sale of books as much as if I can get them donated to families like yours.

[Shanna]

Great post. Routine, routine and more routine!!! My older 2 kids teasingly call me Gunny Mom when my dh is gone. (Pretty sad considering we're an Air Force family.lol) I laugh about the single parent comment, because soooo many have said it to me. I simply reply, "It's not the same, because divorced parents get at least every other weekend off." That usually shushes them.

[bladeskiss]

hi. i am just so lost right now and worried.. up front i want to say i am really upset at myself for asking for help with this when so many other people are dealing with a ton more than I am.
But this is our first time dealing with this and I know I am going to need help and support...
we just got news that my hubby's wavier got turned down for tech school...he is in the af res and does the same job in his civiy job as on base. So everyone including the base thought he would get the waiver..well no such luck.
I hate myself for even being sad about this, its not like I have no idea about having some one I know in Iraq, my brother did a lot of tours over there to many.
I guess I should tell you a little about me, us and our family..We have been with each with each other for 12 years now, married for 9. He was in the air force before we meet, fought in the 1st gulf war. He just rejoined as res about a year ago..For a lot of reasons, honor, country, duty, and a big one was sercuity.
We have been waiting to hear on this wavier for over a year now. so its good to at least not have that over our heads..
I am 29 have two small kids 3 and 8. I also have fibro, which in a line means I am always in pain..It never goes away, but I have learned how to handle it and how far to push myself before a flare up happens and I have always had him for support if I have a bad pain day... This is a big reason I am scared, there are those what ifs.
But at the same time we all knew this was going to happen at some time, he would have to leave us for a deployment, school etc..We do deal ok with the weeks he is away, which so far has been the weekend a month and 4 weeks a year thing...
I am not upset about it, just worried about little things, the house, the car, the kids, my health lol not going nuts.. Things like that...
If i lived any where near a base, I wouldnt ask for advice. I would go there and ask about a family readiness group..His home base is over a hour and a half away and thats driving in good weather..
How do you all deal with things that go wrong while your husband/wife is away? how do you stay strong?? I am lucky enough to have family close by-but at the same time i dont wanna throw all my issues on them. I wanna be the strong wife and not say a word about it..deal and smile ya know..
Most of my friends kinda took a step back when he enlisted and if i say I am worried about these things, they say things like well you knew this was going to happen deal..Yeah I did and I know that I WILL be ok but its just I need some support ya know??
Am I stupid for asking this or
being scared?? how do you all go threw being alone with kids, house, bills, cars etc with out going batty?? how you do stay strong for everyone?