And Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out

I have a beautifully carved wooden pencil holder that my husband bought for me during one of his middle-eastern tours. It tells a story. You see, it's full of pens I've collected over the years from various hotels. I have an obsession with hotel pens, I horde them as if there is about to be a shortage.

A few days ago, when we arrived at our hotel, I took a look around and said to my husband, "Alright! There are three pens here. One on the bedside table, one on the desk and one in the little suite area on the table by the sofa." My husband raised his eyebrows. I quickly did the math. We're here for two nights so if I put all of these pens away in my purse tonight, the maid will replace them tomorrow and I'll leave here with six pens. Yippee!!!!

My husband doesn't quite understand my glee. He firmly believes that if I ever run short on pens, I'll look at him and say, "Baby, we need to go check into a hotel for a couple of days to fix this problem."

But there is a method to my madness. I hate government-issued pens. You know the ones, those black ones with the push-top that say something like, "property of the US Government" in tiny white letters. Why do I hate these pens so much? For several reasons.

First of all, they stink. They don't write very well, the ball point is an odd size and sometimes the ink globs at the base of the ball point. It's just not a quality writing instrument. I remember signing a lease once with one of these monsters. I'm quite sure the property manager wondered if a first-grader had kidnapped me and signed my name. Well, that, or he may have thought I was a doctor. At any rate, the signature was globby and icky. Can I offer some unsolicited advice? When you're signing your life away, DO NOT use one of these pens. Or, you could use one of these pens and if for some reason you ever need to challenge the authenticity of the papers, you might just win based on the terrible output that these pens are capable of delivering.

But there's another reason I hate these pens, a more important one. My silver-turned-purple dryer. My dryer came with a bright, shiny silver interior. Very lovely. Bob Barker's gals would have been proud to point to that dryer. Apparently a government-issued black pen had a grudge against the gleaming silver interior of my dryer and couldn't wait to mess it up. It plotted and planned and one day it executed the plan by exploding inside of my dryer. Casualties: two sets of BDUs, a few tan shirts, some Army green socks and one dryer. Oh, these pens may not appear threatening, but trust me, they are evil. Evil, I tell you. Evil and sneaky.

How sneaky are these pens? Remember the old BDUs? They had those tiny little openings in the breast pocket which were made specifically for these tiny little evil black pens. The pens would purposely bury themselves inside of these openings making it hard to see them, feel them and remove them before the BDUs were thrown into the dryer. They knew exactly what they were doing.

To make matters worse, these pens do not use birth control. They multiply faster than you can say, "get that pen out of here." The government is certainly getting their money's worth. The pens must cost them one cent per 1,000 pens. Those 1,000 pens multiply at an astronomical rate and so on and so on and so on.

After the dryer episode, I banned those government pens from my house. I took the pens that had wormed their way into my pencil holder and I put a rubber band around them and I told my husband to take them back to the government building from which they came. But I soon discovered that a few of the pens snuck out of the pencil holder and hid in various drawers and got about the business of procreating. Imagine my anger at this disturbing discovery!

I have an ongoing fight with these black, government-issued pens, and I think I've reached the point where I will be writing a letter to Secretary Gates soon to explain why the DoD needs to find another vendor from which to purchase pens. I mean really, have these pens changed since WWII? It's time to move on, and move up.

Back to my obsession with hotel pens. The hotel pens have never plotted an attack on my laundry or schemed to destroy the interior of my new dryer or sought to destroy perfectly fine ACUs. Nor have they ever failed me in my time of need by making my signature appear sloppy. Oh, and I don't have to push a top to turn them on. A little thing, but still... The only problem with my beloved hotel pens? They do not procreate at the rate that government-issued black pens do. I'm working on this. Perhaps a few more hotel stays are in order.

Whoops. Gotta run. I see an intruder. He's dressed in black, a bit thin and oozing. He's outta here...

Comments

[liberal army wife]

andi- dear - there is medication for this syndrome. I hate those black pens too, have tossed them with glee. BUT the hotel pens are only filled with enough ink to make two notes about something, sign one cheque and then they DRY UP! Tell ya what, I'll pick up the pens when we travel, I'll send them to you...

LAW

[Linda]

This was HILARIOUS!!!!

Government pens are my husband's responsibility. If he leaves one in his ACU's and the pen causes some kind of damage to the others things in the dryer (because, unlike the instructions say, I DO wash with other things, and I DON'T use only the recommended laundry soap; I am CHEAP!!), then it becomes his responsibility to get alcohol wipes, clean the dryer out, and to figure out how to get the set in INK out of everything.

He only had to do that once. He's pretty good about it now.

[Lemon Stand]

**looks left, looks right, whispers** Me too! My Hale Koa pen in particular is a gem. And government pens are banned in my house. Do you think there are more of us out there who collect hotel pens? Shhhh. I can hear someone coming...gotta go.

[angela]

My daughter runs into the hotel room before anyone else and steals all the small shampoo bottles. Maybe she has a sickness also. Then the other 2 kids fight over the pen and paper and I end up dividing the paper up(what like 4 sheets)and then end up giving my son a pen from my purse since his other sister got the hotel one. Maybe hotels need to give out gift sets for the kids so I may actually get the shampoo next time. And put more than one postcard in a room. I won't even say what kind of fight that starts when there is only one.

[Victoria Granite]

A military wife for more than a decade, my husband finally retired from active duty with 21 years in.

After all those years of volunteering, I couldn't just stop, so a few of my friends thought we could start a virtual charity, with a board of directors of active duty and retired military folk.

All branches.

Also a few special needs teachers and some local police officers.

We've been at this for some time, and it would be great if some of you gals could help us wrap this up.

~ WRAP IT UP ~

FYI: The United States currently has no diaper relief program for our children, this is a problem because this causes the deaths of an estimated 250 plus infants each year.

Please go to SowandGrow.org and see how easy it could be to make these basic hygiene products available to our nation's children, at no cost.

It's thanks to military spouses that these children will survive and several thousand more children each year will also avoid permanent disability caused by infection.

In the meantime, the job is only half finished, together we can save american children.

Thank you,

Victoria Granite

[SFC D]

Andi, there is actually something that reproduces faster than the standard-issue, black pen: The standard-issue, blue AF pen.

My dad retired from the AF in 1968...and occasionally, one of those pens still appear!

[Sarah]

My husband has ruined many an item with those pens because, not only are they in his uniform, but he often puts one in his civilian clothes pockets! ARGH. He is a bonehead who will wear ink-stained clothes, but he still catches heck for ruining one of my favorite shirts two years ago.

[Tamber]

LOL!!! I too am obsessed with hotel pens, but they have to be black ink, or they stay behind. (And living in Europe, it has become much more entertaining because it is like a free souveneir!)
A few months back our installation was giving away promotional MWR pens, that just rock. They are the best pens I've ever used. Run to your MWR office to see if you can get some! (Why they get good pens, but our husbands get the leaky ones is beyond me).

[Penny]

lol.. This was such a great post! I completely agree that they are out to stain your clothes! I don't collect just hotel pens.. I actually have a drawer of all different types of pens hehe. When Dh was home, I went out and bought him pens b'c the ones he was bringing home were just making messes. I have 2 of those government pens here but I don't use them, they're sort of momentos while Dh is deployed, once he gets back though they're getting kicked out! :)

[Penny]

Oh! One of my favorite pens I got from USAA at the SpouseBuzz Conference .. anyway I can get more of those? hehe

[Deltasierra]

Oh man! My dad retired from the Navy in '93, and he had TONS of those pens! They've lost weight over the years, though. They used to be fatter and uglier than they are now.

My mother-in-law works for the Dept. of the Navy credit card program, and they are forced to buy from a particular company, JWAD, which sells office supplies and other DoD products made by blind people. You can purchase any kind of pen you want with your government credit card, as long as it is supplied by JWAD. Doesn't matter if cases of good pens from Office Depot are cheaper -- if it's not JWAD, you are plumb outta luck.

I'm wondering if that's a military-wide requirement. It would certainly explain things!

[Shanna]

Andi-
SOMEBODY likes those pens, because the chains at the post office where they should be hanging are always empty. Maybe it's a conspiracy and someone is stealing those pens to drop them stealthily into your pen cup. I think that could be it. It HAS to be the latest craze in organized crime.

[Ann M.]

Oh my gosh, I hate those things too! DH did the exact same thing to our dryer so now I have to frisk him whenever he's about to put a uniform in the wash (heehee). I distracted him with a nice shiny Spacepen, and now he can't stand them either!

[Andi]

Shanna - I think you're onto something there...

[phyllis]

If you use hair spray it will come out. I don't know if it will work after drying though. Just spray and blot.

[Emily]

LOL. B and I are pen snobs, I think. I've never even seen one of those government pens. B uses map pens for the most part; the fancy kind they sell in the uniform shop. I have all sorts of art pens, and a couple ball-points that have managed to find their way home with me from work. But no government pens. Not a one.