So You Want to Be a Milspouse?

Since the debut of Army Wives (episode ten discussion thread coming soon), it's become my guilty pleasure. Usually, I only watch cable news. Recently, I found yet another show that has captured my interest, HGTV's Design Star. I love home design. In fact, my dream job would be that of an interior designer.

So, while watching Design Star last night, I amused myself by imagining a show along those lines, but one for wannabe milspouses. Contestants would have to prove their mettle by successfully completing a slate of challenges before they're allowed to become a milspouse, but there would be a twist. The show might look something like this:

Round One: Milspeak/Lifestyle:

Contestants will be given one day to study military culture. After the initial 24 hours, they must be able to carry on a lengthy, coherent conversation that includes frequent use of acronyms. They must also understand rank and be able to demonstrate that they can organize a bake sale at the motor pool (and know what a motor pool is), read an LES, fulfill their phone-tree obligation without distorting the message so that the original message, which stated, "our troops are now in Kuwait and will be home in one week - Wednesday, the 7th. They will turn their weapons in and proceed to the gymnasium, where we will meet them " doesn't come out on the other side as "our troops should arrive in Kuwait on the 7th and from there, it will take them a week to get them home. They will arrive on the 14th. You can meet them at HHC if you don't want to wait until they get to the gym." 

Round Two: Commissary Wars:

The contestants are sent to the commissary on payday armed with a long list of groceries that they must purchase. Contestants must navigate the commissary without making another shopper angry, snapping at the kids (or another shopper), running over someone's foot with the buggy or forgetting to get cash back at check-out to tip the baggers.

Round Three: Moving Across Country:

The contestants must be able to clear quarters, make the long drive to their next duty station without incident, arrive at the new duty station, accept their household goods and get the new house squared away. No arguing with the spouse is allowed. All of the above must be accomplished within 72 hours.

Round Four: Jack of All Trades:

The contestants will be given a car with a flat tire, a home with a continuously-running toilet and a non-functioning hot water heater. Contestants must be able to change the flat tire without personal injury, fix the toilet and light the pilot light in the hot water heater without burning down the house. They will be given extra points if they can change the oil in the car and replace the hot water heater with a new one.

Round Five: Unwanted company:

Contestants must demonstrate their ability to capture the bat that is loose in the house, kill the snake in the backyard before the dog or children find it, get rid of the squirrels in the attic and the bird that has entered the house through the fireplace. All must be done without donning all-over protective gear, calling for back-up or saying, "ewwwww."

Round Six: Productive Use of Deployment Time:

Give the contestants twelve months and one to-do list. The to-do list includes getting in shape, taking an interesting class, home remodeling, getting the house organized top-to-bottom, getting the finances in order, putting a hefty sum of deployment pay in the savings account, taking up a new hobby and transforming the yard.

Round Seven: They're arriving two days earlier than expected:

The contestants have 12 hours to take a dirty, unorganized house and transform it into a gleaming model home. Shop for a sexy outfit. Stock the refrigerator and pantry with their spouse's favorite items. Make Welcome Home banners - and hang them. Whip off emails to friends and family which state in an ever-so-gentle manner that their spouse is coming home early and they would greatly appreciate at least 48 hours of being left alone - no exceptions. Scrub the kids and get them dressed in their red/white/blue outfits. Get hair, nails and make-up done. Drive like a madman to the post gymnasium, arrive before the buses do and appear to be composed.

****

The contestants who were unable to complete four or more of their challenges will be put into a train car, complete with a looking glass window. The train will embark on a country-wide tour, stopping at every military installation in the United States. At these stops, milspouses will be allowed to gawk and snare at those who were deemed not ready for prime-time.

The contestants who were able to complete four or more of their challenges will be deemed milspouse-worthy and allowed to marry into the military. They will be welcomed into the room with "Looks like we Made It," blaring from the speakers and will be awarded one of these:

The contestants who were able to complete all of their challenges flawlessly will be locked away, never to be heard from again....

Comments

[Penny]

Lol, I love it! For a second there I was really worried b'c I know I can't complete *all* of the tasks.. My deployment to-do list is almost 100% exactly the same, how much I've gotten done however, it another story.. hehe

[Andi]

Penny - if you could complete ALL of the tasks we would be forced to ban you from SpouseBUZZ. We don't do perfection here - heh....

[Reasa]

Ummm..with the unwanted company is foul launguage allowed? And would it have a limit to how many words you are allowed to say?

[Andi]

Reasa - If you belong in the first or third groups, foul language is not allowed.

If you belong in the seond group, foul language is expected, and highly encouraged.

[Jan Wesner]

Bonus points for accomplishing each item with two or more kids in tow!
http://blogs.tampabay.com/standingby/

[Sly2017]

I hear that SemperFi Wife is offering classes in that catagory, Reasa......

*snort*

>;~}

[Sly2017]

Andi-
You forgot one very important task:
Tri-Care
Contestant must make an appointment BY PHONE;, get to the appointment with all kids fully dressed; fill out, from memory, all necessary paperwork with spouse's information; complete the appointment; fill a prescription at the pharmacy; get home in time to fix dinner; then schedule a follow-up appointment, again, BY PHONE.

[Kel]

omg i LOVE IT!.. and I do not like anyone who PCS'd and got their goods within 72 hours let alone settled..>LOL

Also.. I think they need to take ont he task of the pharmacy with 4 kids.. if they have none I can loan them mine !..lol

[Amanda]

This is great!!! I haven't laughed this hard in....wow, a long time! You made my day!! And honestly, I would totally watch a show like this!

[Andi]

Sly - You're right, Tricare would be the breaking point for most contestants...

[airforcewife]

I seriously think you should write up a milspouse character for the TV show that has people trying to be superheroes, Andi.

[Marine Wife]

Maybe the Tricare challenge could be the tie-breaker?

Too funny, Andi! But now I'm not sure if I'm qualified to be a mil-spouse...

[Reasa]

Sly I will be the first to sign up for the class. ;) For the TriCare we need to add that you aren't in DEERS so you can't come in today.(even though you were there just last week for another Kiddo) Only to find out after 6 phone calls that it was a typo.

[Penny]

Now by "fixing dinner," is that translated into picking up the phone and ordering take-out? lol..

[Andi]

Penny - I think that counts, at least it does in my house, just ask my husband, who looks forward to my mother visiting because she will spoil with homecooked meals. Well, after I figure out where the cookware is stored and dust it off for her...

[Sly2017]

I actually did mean cooking it, but you get to call for take out or delivery only AFTER making the follow-up call.....and it has to be there by the time hubby gets home.

[FbL]

Well, I can definitely do rounds 1 (no prep needed), 2, 4 and 5 today. And possibly three and six, if properly motivated. So, I pass the test... where's my milspouse? ;)

P.S. Regarding #4 and #5 (been there, done that), how else do you think a single woman of limited means survives?

[FbL]

Oh, I almost forgot!: Hilarious post, Andi! :)

[Semper Fi Wife]

Andi,
This is absolutely hilarious!!!
You should pitch this to Lifetime.

Sly,
Profanity, when used appropriately and creatively, is an art form.
I teach the gifted class.

[AFWife_Niki]

Geez. My hubby has been in for two years and I haven't experienced anything you named yet. I guess I would fail the show miserably. I'm still asking him what certain acronyms mean. I can change a flat though!

[Sarah]

What? They don't have to go to Finance? I think they also have to get an LES with all zeroes and go in with a POA to try to get it fixed. During sergeants' time. With the four kids.

[Andi]

Sarah - good point, we need to include a wrestling match with Finance in the challenge.

For instance, when the Army overpays you for PCS travel, or underpays you for TDY. Try sorting those out without incident....

[MilSpouse]

LOVE THIS!!

I think you forgot to add change careers/jobs with every move... :)

[armywifetoddlermom]

This is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time.

I might add a bonus round of a 24 hour pukey kid/dog/self round.

Where one goes to the vet/pediatrician, cleans puke and poop off of everything!

[armywifetoddlermom]

This is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time.

I might add a bonus round of a 24 hour pukey kid/dog/self round.

Where one goes to the vet/pediatrician, cleans puke and poop off of everything!

[Jewel]

Oh my goodness AWTM, you just described the kind of week I had last week...minus the kid, add a cat!!!!!

[Ramie]

ROFLOL......I am addicted to both shows too, and I LOVE your idea!!! he he he!!

SOOO funny!

Ramie

[Jennifer]

You forgot at the commisary, to make sure you go down the aisle as the arrows say, and you also have to avoid the crashing of carts, and the others who expect you to move when they are going the wrong way.

[Erin]

haha! I love this! It made my day I laughed so hard!

[k]

Could you add a land nav course? Must be able to find all important post agencies (finance, deers, housing, ACS, hospital, px, commissary, chapel, company, motor pool, etc) given only building numbers (no street names allowed) and a hastily drawn strip map (that have street names but no building numbers). Add a bonus round with an extra prize for abiding by the rules of the commissary road...you know those big red arrows on the floor that direct traffic ;)

[Shanna]

How about another round of decorating military housing, while complying with all said rules and regulations and filling out all forms, to make it look as unique as possible. They also cannot buy anything expensive (military wages, you know) or very breakable (crappy movers) or really even have a theme, since we all pick up little knick knacks in every country.

[Teresa]

Commissaries - dock points for all shopping list items that can't be found on the empty shelves on payday because someone else beat ou to it

Finance - how about trying to cash spouses birthday check into his deployment account so he could use it because they relatives "forgot" he was deployed and the bank doesn't accept POA's because they are general

Yarkwork - how about trying to keep the yard acceptable(mowed) to prevent a ticket from houseing while you are 9 months pregnant, have allergies, and a deployed spouse?

Schools - best challenge - move to a new base two days before school starts and finding 3 "local friends" to put for an emergancy contact so your kids are allowed to start school? (Someone you would actually trust to pick up your kids) Oh, you have to also get the required school forms in that two days including immunizations and physical's on that State's/counties forms which requires an appointment with a new pediatrician to be got and kept within the two day limit. All forms must be in on time or no school!

[Andi]

Wow - You guys have some great challenges. I'm starting to think this is made-for-tv material....

[Teresa]

Andi
If you can get a network to produce it, we will supply you with plenty of challenges. New ones come up daily, such as last night when I took my son to the ER because he broke his wrist at school in 2 places, dealt with ER, Xray and ortho staff without blowing my cool, got homework accomplished with my other child in the waiting area without the aid of a computer or books, aquired meds (Tylenol 3), fed them dinner, purchased new school supplies (it was the first day of school) and made it home by bedtime! Think a potential could handle a day with a deployed spouse?

[Andi]

I don't think I could handle all of that, Teresa....

They might take away my milspouse credentials if I had to do that challenge - nice job!

[Teresa]

It's all in a day's work! Tonight we get to add Open House at school and Boy Scouts for the injured one and Youth Group for the other one, all at the same time. Did I say I am the only driver in the house?
Anyway, this site has been a nice little diversion. I'm glad they have it! Time to go check on my son.

[blueSchatzy]

That is awesome!! How about they have to go through getting the pain of getting a military passport and or new ID card.

LMAO, to your very last statement!! "...never to return again..." So true! I am already jealous of people who have most of it together!! I am ADD!!

[blueSchatzy]

That is awesome!! How about they have to go through getting the pain of getting a military passport and or new ID card.

LMAO, to your very last statement!! "...never to return again..." So true! I am already jealous of people who have most of it together!! I am ADD!!

[Jessie]

Ok, I just came across this post tonight (through a link)and I have to say, I laughed quite hard. I'm new to the milspouse life, but already i've had to deal with unwanted visitors and a broken hot water heater! So I can pass those rounds. Having grown up in the Naval cultural and then in WY where I was surrounded by cowboys I've perfected the art of creative use of language!

Thanks for this post! I needed a pick me up, and a way to see how I'm progressing in the milspouse world!

[compounding pharmacy]

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