The Grass Isn't Always Greener on the Other Side

I've been at this milspouse business for many years now. During those years, I've done my share of complaining about having to drive or fly across the country on special occasions and holidays. I would love to host one -- just one -- Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner at MY house. I would love the families to do the driving, packing and unpacking and for me to do the cooking and cleaning. I would like our family to actually see our Christmas tree in person rather than as a .jpeg image in their inbox. But alas, It's just not in the cards.

I would also like my family to understand how much it hurts not to be home for birthday parties, Mother's Day, Father's Day and other important dates. I did make sure I was at the hospital when each of my nieces and nephews were born, I wouldn't have missed that for anything, but I simply can't come home for every event, and sometimes I'm not sure they really understand this. Those of us who are physically separated from our families due to military service have jobs, our own families to take care of and other responsibilities which prevent us from going home as often as we would like. Certainly, financial considerations are also a factor, it does cost money to travel.

At times, I've felt left out of family events because I couldn't be there, and I have also felt that friends and some family members never truly understand why I can't be there for everything. Countless times, I've heard the disappointment and frustration in the voices of my sibling, my parents and my nieces and nephews when I've said I can't make the family reunion, or the championship ball game or the birthday party and I've harbored resentment myself, thinking they should see things more from my perspective.

However, this week, the tables were turned and I now see that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. My sister is a busy mom, constantly driving her horde of children from ballet lessons to ball games to school to church. I now have two ill family members. My sister is juggling her normal duties as a mom, which keeps her busy enough, but add to that, the responsibility of being the caretaker for two adults, and she now has an extraordinary burden placed upon her. One that she is happy to bear, but one that wouldn't solely be her responsibility if I were closer and could help.

I think I'll be a bit less resentful the next time I'm packing my bags to travel 1,000 miles and return an exhausted wreck because my entire holiday was spent on planes, trains and automobiles, and shuttling from one house to another. My current situation has been an eye-opener and has served to remind me that it's not only we, as spouses, who serve our country. Our extended families also serve by picking up the slack that comes when we leave our families and move across the country, and in many cases, across the world. While my family is extremely supportive of my military lifestyle, they too pay a price for my husband's service, and they deserve to be recognized for pitching in and filling the void that was left when I started hopping across the country. Military service has an impact, not only on those of us who serve or are married to someone who serves, but also on those we leave behind so that we can serve.

For my sister, and those like her, thank you for what you do when we can't be there to help you do it.

Comments

[Jewel]

This post hit home for me. My brother and sister have been caring for our mom for years now. I feel guilty for not being able to pitch in more and I know my sister is especially worn out by it all. I was home a couple of years ago when my mom had surgery and got to spend some wonderful one-on-one time with her. Not only did my sister get a much needed break, but I had forgotten what a priviledge it is to care for our mom. I'm grateful I have siblings who are willing and able to carry the burden of caring for mom. They most certainly have my thanks.

[Gbear]

Your post was poignant, moving and right on! We do often forget that being the one who stayed home is not easy either. My sister is home near my folks and cares for my folks and my 102 year old grandmother, who still refuses to go to the senior center because 'it's filled with old folks'! My grandmother has never been a very easy person to care for and yet my sister goes to see her several times a week and spends time with my parents almost every day. She's also the one who bears the responsibility for helping my parents and taking care of their house when they're gone. Granted, my folks are two of the best people we know and they are relatively healthy, but if I were there, life would be easier for my sister. When the family comes into town it's always her house that gets invaded with relatives! Since no one ever visits military families - my house stays relatively clean!

Thanks for posting this and reminding me of how grateful I am to my sister and her family for all they do to support my folks and keep the home fires burning so that when I do get to go home, it's a great time!

[Shatzi]

I understand this all too well also. I have already told my inlaws that I am not driving or flying over the holidays again. We always do this, and it's even less fun when I am alone as I am this year. It's too exhausting and frustrating to fight traffic or flight cancellations, only to be driven from one house to another, everyone expects you to eat a huge meal at each place because the "cooked for you," and you come home tired and needing another vacation. This time they can come see ME!

[Marine Wife]

Coming from a military background, my immediate family is great about not expecting us to use all our leave visiting them. That said, there are members of our family who have never visited us at our home (or ever planned to) but don't hesitate to ask when we'll be coming to see them. Because it's so much easier and cheaper for a family with children to travel. It seems to me that I shouldn't feel bad about not visiting someone who has never tried to visit me. I only have so much time and so much money. It's called priorities.

[wiese]

babies can change that. my baby girl has arrived. My parents and my husband's parents have their 3rd trip planned to visit us and mostly baby. The baby will be five months at end of month.

[Moose]

This is a nice post. Although in the years before my husband retired there were more times we traveled to visit family than they visited us, they all did come to visit. After my husband retired, we moved “home”. We live only 60 min to 90 min away from most of them. Thanks to those years I appreciate the birthday parties and holidays so much more than I ever could have before we were an Army family.

[Kel]

Everyone always asks me when i'll be coming home and in reality. not any time soon with the price of gas. It is not feasable to fly with 4 kids 3 and under and hten rent a car and pay the gas prices. I told them that they are all more than welcome to make the journey that we have done numerous times. The twins are 18 mo old and so far my father mother and grandfather are the only ones to meet them my MIL hasn't met them and has not seen my other 2 DD since they were infants. She just refuses to make the drive. and always says her work schedule is to tough. I am not going to use all our leave days to drive to PA We plan on if we go anywhere to take our kids to the beach since they have never been. They are more than welcome to join us : )