This is How I Win

I love reading the comments here on SpouseBuzz.  MilSpouses have so many ideas and opinions, and despite the seemingly omnipresent idea that we all march in lockstep like some sort of uniformed borg unit, we are beautifully diverse in both backgrounds and opinions.  The ability to respond to and help each other is as much a gift to the giver as it is to the one getting advice or help.

Recently in the comments one new MilSpouse asked how we manage to keep our spirits up and laugh despite all the challenges that strike us in our chosen roles.

The answer, quite simply, is that I don't.

I don't always feel like laughing.  In fact, we're at a four week stretch right now where hubby has had to go in to work every weekend in addition to his regular duties.  I'm still at the territorial "Back off my man!" stage as we recover from his last deployment, and so this is beginning to irritate me to no end.  I don't want to laugh about it at all, I want to kick something.  In fact, I'd like to kick his work cell phone!  Just last night he forgot the phone in the bathroom and I had a sudden psychotic urge to "accidentally" drop it in the toilet.

And when I realized the horrible revenge I was contemplating (we have two young children who still haven't discovered that the toilet will actually put fresh water in the bowl with the mere press of a handle) I laughed.  I laughed because I had a sudden picture of the look on my husband's face as I broke the news to him he would have to go potty-fishing.  I laughed because I imagined hubby trying to explain what had happened (and who was responsible) to his boss.   I laughed because that seemed like a particularly evil revenge to take - even for me.

And once I started laughing, things suddenly felt much better.  Not perfect, by any means; I'm still frustrated and tired and I would still like to take a hammer to his work phone for interrupting our snuggling time.  But I do feel better.

That's the special thing about finding something to laugh about - once you do, the mountain you are trying to climb seems just that much smaller. 

During hubby's most recent deployment, my mother-in-law hit the critical point that required her to be put in a nursing home.  She did NOT want to go.  And I should probably tell you that my mother-in-law has never liked me.  Actually, that is an understatement - it's much worse than simple dislike.  I wouldn't be surprised if she consulted voodoo practitioners and had red-headed dolls that vaguely resemble me bristling with pins around her bed.  To compound the problem, my mother-in-law's encroaching dementia is of the very mean and nasty sort.

So, let's analyze that situation:  my husband has four months left to go in Afghanistan.  I'm single-parenting and homeschooling four children.  My mini-van's brakes went out.  My computer completely broke down.  And my mother-in-law starting losing her mind with a mean, nasty vengeance, causing me to fly cross country with four children and a dog all by myself in order to try and fix the problem.  Also, it was a particularly hot summer and fall, and I just don't DO hot. 

I didn't want to laugh.  I didn't want to be happy anymore.  I wanted people to go away and leave me alone to stew in my misery as I railed against the heavens and sent up some truly hell-worthy prayers to God Above.  Really hell-worthy prayers.  How often do you have to go to confession for your prayers?  I started a lot of conversations with, "Do you know how much this SUCKS?"

And then I received one of many, many, many horrified calls about my MIL's behavior from the nurses at the home she was staying in.  Apparently, in a fit of anger at the doctor who wouldn't release her to go home on her own, she started making fun of his name.  His name is Dr. Bright.  She began to scream down the halls (every time she saw him) in her thick Russian accent, "Oh, look there!  It's Doctor Not Bright!  Doctor Not as Bright as He Thinks!  How did Doctor Not Bright get through medical school?"

As hard as I tried to keep my angry, vengeful thoughts and countenance, I started smiling.  I couldn't help it!  The situation was too ridiculous to take seriously!  Doctor Not Bright!  What DID the people coming to look at her nursing facility think when they saw this angry, cantankerous old woman screaming that and shaking her fist down the hallways!

As soon as I started laughing about my MIL's turn-of-phrase I felt better.  The enormous knot I had stopped noticing in my stomach unclenched.  The pains in my chest ceased.  My eyes stopped watering for no reason, and I had the first night in a month without an end-of-day migraine.  All because I laughed.

I already knew about laughter, but I had allowed myself to forget.  I was not only angry, I wanted to be angry.  How DARE God, the Air Force, my MIL, and even my husband put me in this situation when all I wanted was to be normal!

Except... I don't.  Not really.  I mean, if we were a "normal" family we would live right next door to my MIL and I would have to visit her and listen to her angry Russian tirades every day!  I would have to participate in family politics.  I would not live a lifestyle above our socio-economic group because of all the travel benefits involved in PCSing.  And I would not have this enormous sense of pride in what my husband and I (yes, in my own way I serve, too!) do.

I have learned that if I don't laugh - if I don't find something funny and ridiculous in my situation, I'm going to spend all my time crying. 

So, to answer the question in full:  How do I keep my spirits up and laugh despite the challenges?

1)  I kick a pillow.

2)  I let forth a barrage of words that would shock my priest into a chain recitation of Hail Mary's.

3)  I make myself laugh.  It's best if I'm laughing at something silly in myself, but if I am too angry for that to work I watch The Incredibles.   Usually, though, I am a magnet for the ridiculous and there is an overabundance of drama in my life for my own personal comic material.

And I remember this most of all - by choosing to find a reason to laugh I am controlling my own destiny.   As long as I can find something to laugh about,  I win. 

Comments

[LAW]

I hope I can find the thing to make me laugh. (your MIL sounds like a terror!) I have hit the "screwits". The extension is now reality, they were supposed to be coming home this week. And even though I tried so hard to talk myself out of it, this has hit me (again) like a ton of bricks. The grey gloomy skies mirror my mood, I'm really crabby, short tempered, and my migraines are begining to take over my life completely. When I get online with DH, I smile into the webcam, and we chit chat, and both of us know the other one is trying to hold on by their fingernails.

But I promise, I'll look for a reason to laugh. But maybe I'll wait until after I have had that good cry I keep promising myself. i just figure if I let go one way, I may never stop.

Keep winning!

LAW

[Heather S.]

Thanks so much for this post! It was the thing that made me laugh. I would love to hear more stories about your MIL...I laughed SO hard! (I don't mean to laugh at something that's tough for you...but thanks for sharing the funny parts of the stories!) thanks also for the reminder that it is okay to not want to laugh and to feel angry sometimes...and that it's also okay to laugh at and enjoy the little things.

Heather

[Kristi]

This was the best post I've read in a long time . . . thanks for this. I have had a bad couple of weeks, faced some of the hardest stuff, alone. Your words hit home. So I WILL look for something to laugh about. God bless you for caring for your MotherinLaw. The Catholic in me knows that good works count for something. ;-)

[Reasa]

I took to stomping my feet with the Kiddos and we did it so hard we just had to laugh at how funy I must have been looking. :) I am still waiting for one of them to ask if I will have one of my hissy fits when Hubby is gone this summer.

[wordsmith]

Your post made me laugh! Thanks for that.

[Janice]

That has got to be one of the best things I have read from a military spouse in a long time!!!! I laughed reading it only because I could relate to so much of what you wrote. You honestly do have to find the humor in things,because sometimes that is the only way they make sence. I have found personally when something goes wrong with my husband as far as his military career is concerned my humor is at the expense of who ever started the head ache, and though I usually keep it to myself or share it with my husband, there is a brief moment of satisfaction there that seems to make me feel better.
As far as MILs go... well I feel your pain and I understand!!!! :-)

[Kel]

I can relate to your post on the laughing part.. although i think my MIL might have a voodoo doll on me to..HMM that might explain my back problems..lol. but she lives 18 hrs away TYG. I had to laugh alot to get me through having toddlers and newborn twins while DH was gone. The laughing usually entailed when i got HORRIBLE looks at the store, or my son would become a water fountain and always in my direction. If i didnt laugh i would be lacking the little bit of sanity i still retain.

[Butterfly Wife]

I've got to agree with you all. Laughter is one of the greatest coping mechanisms we've got. Sometimes life piles up so much it is truly ridiculous. But those are the times we can see just how strong we really are.
~keeping me laughing . . .

[Amie]

Thank you so much! You just gave me hope of making it through our first deployment. It hasn't happened yet, still brand new, but they say it is coming. I have already had the 'blame fit' and honestly I already know I don't want to go back to a normal life either (picture the far from typical pastor's wife rebelling--ha). But this is all so overwhelming it is hard not to wonder if we will make it and keep some sanity for myself and children.

[Linda]

Thanks for this post...it's very timely and SO true. When we find humor in even the worst situations, that inevitably means we can make it through.

[MarineWife]

Thank you so much for being so honest and funny in this post. Not that the others don't write honest but I felt that you didn't hold anything back. Thanks again.

[CaitieMac]

Great post. Good luck with your MIL. We are going through the exact same thing with my 92 year old grandmother. She may look like a sweet old woman, but if you get on her bad side (a simple "hello" could do it), she'll give you a good smack. It's a very hard thing to go through (especially on your own). My prayers go out to you.

[Laura]

It is a relief to hear that others have difficult in-laws. I just was married in December and have been alone since. My husband is coming home in September. His parents and sisters don't understand about being upset and worry. They see it as weak. I limit my time with them so I don't get the guilt/judgement. His parents are obsessed with having a grandchild. They were hoping that we would get pregnant while he was in a short leave last month. Also, our formal wedding will be in November and they are insisting on two church weddings because we are different religions. At first, I didn't mind but it was becoming a circus. So, I haven't looked into plans much past the date set because it is so overwhelming. I have decided to do what I want and try my best to ignore what they might think. It is just harder since my husband isn't here. I am starting to get back to myself and find pleasure in hobbies and free time. A few weeks ago I would have dreaded it. It is comforting to know I am not alone in these struggles. All we can do is keep smiling and think as positively as possible.

[erin]

Thank you so much for the reminder. We're getting ready to PCS in 2 weks and I only have 6 weeks left before baby #3 is due. We can't find a house to move into and my MIL is moving to the same city supposedly. Haven't really thought about laughing to much lately but I wil definitly start looking for a reason! Good luck with your MIL.

[jessica]

this post was such a reflection of how a military wife feels. I had to laugh several times reading it, especially at the end where ways to cope were listed, #1 I kick my pillow. I had to bust out laughing when I read that. Good job on the post.