When ARE you coming home?
February 27, 2007|
This topic popped into my head just now - one that I don't think has been discussed yet on SB (and if it has, I apologize to whomever wrote about it). It pertains to the "rumors of homecoming." In other words: when your loved one is due home from deployment. This is one of the most stressful and frustrating things for me as a spouse. Rumors. UGH!!!
For those who have been through deployments, I am sure you can identify with this topic. For those going through your first deployment, I hope this post helps you cope with the anticipated homecoming.
At any given time during a deployment, you will probably hear that the deployment has been shortened or extended. The worst time frame for this, in my experience and opinion, is about 3/4 of the way through the deployment. You are on the "downhill" of the deployment, anxiety and excitement of return is high, and your emotions are at their peek of vulnerability (or close to it). ANYthing you hear about the homecoming can make you excited or rip your heart out (depending on what you hear).
And families who are at home awaiting their loved ones return are not the only culprits to rumors. MANY times while DH was deployed I had a spouse call me and say, "My DH said they are going to be home early.... or extended... or home on THIS DATE." It was really frustrating for all of us, but I learned something very valuable when DH deployed for the first time:
You will know they are home when you see their smiling face!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not before. Sorry.
Redeployment plans can change at the drop of a hat. Sometimes they are home sooner, sometimes later. Unfortunately, WE (and they) have no control of the date and time you will see them. It's hard to swallow, yes, but it's a fact that will not change.
My advice is NOT to allow yourself to become absorbed in (or spread) rumors about homecoming. It only gets your panties in a twist and causes great confusion for you and others involved - even if you hear it from your deployed loved one.
There is ONE thing that is consistent in the military - CHANGE OF PLANS! Learn to be flexible. "Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome!!!" Crying every now and then helps, too. :)
The last two weeks of the deployment were pretty much the worst. I compared it to really having to go to the bathroom, and thinking that you were really near a toilet, so then you stopped trying to hold back. But really there was someone stuck for a long time in that stall.
For literally two weeks I was living with the "maybe in a few days" and even the "oh, tomorrow" to just have the date moved along again. It was so unbeliveably frustrating. The worst part was that his unit came back in chalks, and once the chalks started we thought they would all be coming home, but then after a few days there was a stop of about a week. So the spouses whose husbands were already home felt guilty, and those whose weren't tried to be happy for them, but were just resentful and jealous. The whole "we are in this together" almost disintergrated.
I wish that when they returned was a suprise, because the more anticipation there is, the harder it becomes to wait.
But thankfully there is such a wonderful relief when all the waiting is over...and it becomes all worth it.
Posted by: CaliValleyGirl | 02/27/2007 at 11:32
we are coming up to the date that they were supposed to be rotating out. since they have been extended for 125 days, this is the really tough day for all of us, and for them. Some are having "we got screwed" parties...
I wrote in my blog once, who decided that the last 3 months are easier than the first 3??? If you can identify this person, let me know, so I can take a 2x4 and smack them upside the head. the only "easy" day, will be the day he gets off that bus! I like the analogy of the person stuck in the stall... We've all been dancing outside that stall for a long time.
I told him when he got on the plane after R&R... I'll see you when I see you. Course the news of the extension was still a disappointment, no matter how much you say you aren't counting on anything.. you are!
LAW.
Posted by: liberal army wife | 02/27/2007 at 11:42
Sigh... So you mean i cant listen to the wife who "knows" all sorts of things? Last month, she said for sure we would be back together for mothers day, last week, it was "theyre getting exetended" and this week, its "dont the orders say by fathers day???"
Yeah, uh huh, thanks for stomping on my heart.
Its hard to not get all excited when you hear good news, and get crushed when you hear the bad, even when i know she has no basis to talk- i cant help but get to wondering if she could be right, if this really COULD happen!
Urgh.
Posted by: Heather | 02/27/2007 at 11:44
Oh. LAW, I did say that once- it was the day after we hit the magic "middle" date. I dont believe it now either! :)
Posted by: Heather | 02/27/2007 at 11:46
Sometimes it feels like I'm back in high school with all the rumors that float around during deployment. And the soldiers themselves can be the worst offenders! You would think that they of all people would know that everything is subject to change at a moments notice. I learned very quickly never write on the calendar in anything else other than pencil...and have a good eraser near by.
Posted by: kristin | 02/27/2007 at 12:33
My hubby's deployment will start in less than 2 weeks and I am starting to wonder if I should even read the emails I will be getting from his unit. A few weeks ago when he was at a month long training he was one of the handful of soldiers that got held there an extra 2 days. He was not happy. The ones that got back on that Friday had a big welcome and gifts for them and the ones on Sunday were forgotten. Thats not what I am complaining about. Better get back on subject. What upset me was the emails leading up to their return. All the "won't it be great that our loved ones will be home by Friday" and on Saturday when I got the one that said "Its so great our spouses are home with us again". I wanted to reach through the computer and strangle someone. It felt like a slap in the face that I was sitting there alone when they all had their spouses. I guess what I am saying is when you send out an email make sure that everyone is really going to get their spouse back on that date and not just your spouse. I guess I feel like complaining about small stuff now since they seem to keep moving his deployment date up and up again. I told him at this point I am waiting for them to move his deployment date up to yesterday.
Posted by: angela | 02/27/2007 at 12:59
This is why I will never make one of those paper chains for my kids to use to count the days until Daddy comes home!
blogs.tampabay.com/standingby
Posted by: Jan Wesner | 02/27/2007 at 14:48
angela - I completely understand that feeling. our FRG was also the FRG for a group that had been deployed about 6 months earlier than ours, and that were therefore coming home in Sept/Oct of last year. for some reason, it was decided to have both groups meet at the same time. So we were hitting the (what we thought was) half way point, and they were planning homecoming! the leader was perplexed when we found it uncomfortable to sit there whilst they burbled on about the weekends they had planned, the welcome home ceremony etc.
Jan - the paperchains have become a large problem here, with the extension. for the really little ones, some spouses are trying to unobtrusively add some more, but 125 more links are not easy to hide.
"don't count your chickens till they hatch" and all those other "wise sayings"... there is a reason those sayings have lasted.
LAW
Posted by: liberal army wife | 02/27/2007 at 15:26
I totally agree with everyone else here. I'm still pretty new to the military world, but I learned pretty quickly that you can't count on anything to happen when they initially say it will. Although, I am about to experience our first deployment and I'm sure I'll get my hopes up and then torn apart many times while they are gone.
Angela, where are you and your husband stationed? It sounds like the training your husband just got back from is the same mine did. Plus this deployment coming up very very soon.
Posted by: Jen | 02/27/2007 at 17:02
Angela, it's unfortunate that they can't all be on the same schedule. I would say that despite what has happened I wouldn't just not read what they are sending out. If it's going to be anything like how our unit FRG is ran most info will come through email b/c it is easier and quicker to get it out that way. Not everything will pertain to your soldier but there will be important stuff that will at some point and you won't want to miss it.
I might also suggest politely bringing it up to whoever planned the homecoming that Sunday's soldiers should not have been forgotten and even though they came back later than the main body they deserved the same recognition. That way it doesn't happen in the future. Same goes for the sentimental touches they are putting in their e-mails. They would not have been worse off in waiting until Sunday after everyone returned to make the statement about how great it was to have the guys home. Or they could have left it out all together. Talk about it now, before deployment starts so there is not drama after. The best thing you can do to help an FRG leader (or whoever was responsible) is to bring up your concerns in a diplomatic way. They can't fix what they don't know is broken.
Posted by: Kristin | 02/27/2007 at 17:34
I read somewhere else as an alternative to counting down paperchains, people have counted up instead. They have their kids write, color, draw, whatever on a link each day and then add it to the chain. When homecoming actually arrives they use it as decorations and then the soldier can read the links to see how the kids did over the deployment. I don't have kids so I wouldn't know if that's a better idea or not. I know my mom used to have me and my sister each put an M&M in a jar for everyday my Dad was gone and then we could eat them when he got home. We thought it was great every time the M&Ms passed another line b/c it meant more candy for us!
Posted by: kristin | 02/27/2007 at 18:21
I HATED this part with a passion. It was hard. Everywhere you turned there were hte rumors flying. It had finally come time i got hte call and i got up at the crack of dawn (3am) and went to the hangar with the kids. only for it to be to foggy for them to land after sitting htere for 3 hours. They got diverted to nashville and "were going to be bused back in about 2 Hours" so i took the kids home to put htem for a nap, and hten the fog lifts and im like hmm better go back and check. sure enough they refueled and sent them back i got htere with wheels on ground. Saw my husband nad knew my day had come.. and it was NOT any of the days in the rumors..lol
Posted by: Kel | 02/28/2007 at 09:17
I know how hard this is!!! I'm currently awaiting word when my husband will be home and keep getting conflicting information. Being a reservist makes it more difficult because he is flying into a base in another state in which we do not live. This makes traveling to greet him a challenge. Of course it's a challenge that I'm willing to take. I try not to think about the days until I get to see him, but of life when he returns and I can begin living life again instead of just making due!
Posted by: CntryBunnie | 02/28/2007 at 10:46
I really like the idea of ADDING to the paper chain or adding to a candy jar! I will put that in my notes for the next deployment!
Posted by: Lemon Stand | 02/28/2007 at 11:17
If I had a dollar for every rumor I've heard during this deployment, we'd have our anniversary trip that we're planning to take paid for with change left over!
I've already told MacGyver that I won't believe anything until he's stateside and in my arms. And even then, based on what I've seen happen with units such as 172nd Stryker Bde, I don't know that I will let my guard down. *sigh*
Posted by: HomefrontSix | 02/28/2007 at 13:01
I really needed this post! Thank you ladies! We are on the last 3 1/2 months of a 10 month deployment and I feel like a whole new cycle has started. The last few months haven't been too bad and then wham, we start talking about "getting closer" and I'm an emotional mess. The last months are so much harder I think. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Also, last week we find out that there's a good chance he'll be extended. So I agree, I'll be excited when he calls and says they landed in the states.
Posted by: Kate | 02/28/2007 at 16:52
I was just talking to my husband tonight about the ADDING links to a paper chain. Our youngest is only 2 but as she gets older she can draw or color or write thoughts or feelings down and when he gets back he has a "journal" to read. I think that is a much better idea since no one ever knows how long the deployment will really be.
Posted by: khachaina | 03/01/2007 at 01:54
My husband has 10 mths down and supposed to be 5 mths to go. I'm hoping its sooner... He just went back to Iraq from his R&R and it was the hardest thing. He was dreading it and I just kept telling him 5 Months isnt that long baby. And then at the airport it hit me and still is... 5 months feels like forever. I want him home now. He was home for his R&R and I got used to him being home all over again. The feeling of someone there and now I have to re-adjust myself to being alone again. It's horrible... Ive busied myself with school 20 hours a week and I work full time 40 hours a week and that helped for the 10 mths. Now school is about finished and time just isnt flying by anymore. News of it being over with sooner would be a blessing.
Posted by: Durben | 05/23/2008 at 06:27