Found: FRG

Back in January I wrote a post titled Wanted: FRG .  I had several complaints about my "non-existent" Family Readiness Group, but the largest of those was the lack of communication from the FRG Leader.

Well, after writing it, re-reading it, and reading all the comments, I decided it really was time to be pro-active; to stop barking behind closed doors.  I picked up the telephone and called her (the FRG Leader) again, with nothing but positive results.  It is possibly the best thing I'd done for myself all month long.

The premise of my call was to ask her if I'd been added to her mass email list.  We had emailed one another a couple of times, but they were all one-on-one emails.  Sure enough, she had forgotten to add me to that list.  A mistake that was easy to make and just as easily remedied.  She promptly emailed me the most recent newsletter from the commander and an informational flyer.  There had been communication; I was just missing out on it.  Okay, one issue resolved.

I then decided it was time to offer my services again.  I let her know that I was not concerned with what group of spouses I called.  If she needed some help, I was willing to do just that.  I reassured her that my offer was not an empty one.  Guess what?!  She took me up on my offer and promptly emailed me a calling roster.  There is an FRG meeting scheduled for this weekend and I am thrilled that I'll finally have the opportunity to meet other spouses in JD's unit.

Now, for the point of my current post.  While I was rightfully upset about the amount of contact I had with my FRG, I did jump to conclusions and assume the worst.  In my previous post I made a comment about the commander and his responsibility to have his FRG in good order.  What I realize now is that he did those things.  Prior to deploying, the rosters were updated and POC's in place.  It was after the deployment that the problems surfaced.  Which leads me to my newest beef:  Rear Detachment.  I'll save that for another day, though. 

For now, I'm just be pleased that I seem to have found a place in my FRG.  And I did it all with one phone call.  Okay, two phone calls.  However, I now know that my biggest worry, about stepping on toes or coming off as pushy, was unfounded and that it never hurts to make the first move.  Or in this case, the first phone call.

Comments

[Linda]

while I agree with what you have written, I do have to say that it was the responsiblity of the FRG leader to contact you to see if you were getting the information. If you had called her before and asked about it and she said she'd get you on the list, that was all well and good...but because she forgot, you were still out of the loop. She obviously put you out of her mind - did she notice that you were still not in attendance of meetings, etc?

My husband is the commander of his unit - the FRG thing has become nothing but a constant headache. I have chosen not to be the leader as I have had bad experiences when my husband was enlisted...the commander's wives made the FRG their own little units...or the FRG was non-existent. When the Army took over the FRG, they took away a lot of what was fun about it - the fundraising, what we spent money on...

I just have nothing to say. Someone doesn't want to be involved, but then they get upset that they weren't notified of everything going on. Feeling are always getting hurt - even the FRG's become clique-y.

[mismysailor]

What I've learned about FRG's is they are like most people..there are good ones and there are bad ones. I'm not a big fan of spouse support groups but we have a good FRG who makes an honest effort to get any info she receives.

[Kel]

I believe that an FRG works only if the people involved want it to work. If the FRG leader doesnt do what she should it wont work.. and if the wives arent involved then why is there an FRG to begin with... but this is what i think.

[LAW]

I have had nothing but bad experiences from the groups I'm supposed to be with. But we started our own (Red Headed Step Children!) and it's our way to hold on to each other, to DO things (like make things for our troops) and be there, get information to each other. Our former leader is STILL doing what she did before, and has 3 people at meetings.... and has been told more than once she needs to shape up. another group, that is made up of orphans from other units is well run, information is sent out and acted on. I'm so glad I'm on her mailing list!

LAW

[Alli]

My husband's unit didn't even realized I existed until we sat across from the Family Readiness Officer at the ball last year. I asked her if they did anything for wives, or if the unit was too small, and she looked at me like I was crazy. How was I supposed to know what was normal? This was our first unit, we'd been there for 7 months, and I hadn't heard from anyone. 2 weeks later, I had the latest edition of the unit's newsletter in my mailbox! And now, I'm in the process of becoming a key volunteer, so no one else is left behind!

[RedLegMeg]

Linda, I had spoken to her and sent her my travel itinerary, but my second call was the first time that she realized I wasn't receiving her emails. This Sat. is actually the first meeting we've had since I contacted her in December.

You are absolutely right about spouses who want no involvement at all (who will go as far as to say "Absolutely do not call me"), but seem to be the first to complain when they don't know something or felt they had no input. That is most definately one of the most frustrating aspects of the system.

I also realize that FRG's are hit or miss. There are good ones and bad ones. For me, I like to be involved so that I'm in the information loop, for the social aspect, and quite honestly, to do my part in helping to ensure that other people are not left out or forgotten. It's very satisfying to call someone up, identify yourself, and receive a positive response and even a "thank you".

In this particular instance, I'm just glad that I had the nerve (for lack of a better word) to pick up the phone and do something, rather than just sit back and complain. I know that won't work for everyone. It happened to work for me, though, and I just wanted to share.

[Stacy]

Meg,
I'm glad you posted this update. I read the initial post and comments, and thought about responding then, but didn't. People tend to have very strong opinions one way or another about FRGs and I didn't necessarily want to get involved in a debate.
In the 8 years that hubby's been in the Army, I've certainly had my FRG problems and gripes. Some were probably legitimate, some not. However I've recently taken over as an FRG leader for a soon-to-deploy company, and realize exactly how difficult it can be. No matter how many training classes ACS throws at you, there is nothing that can really prepare you for how much work it can be. One of the most difficult parts is trying to track down accurate contact information. It amazes me how many husbands don't know their own wife's email address or their home phone number! We try to individually welcome ladies to the unit once we know that they've arrived. But beyond introducing myself and providing my contact info (and adding them to the email distro and call lists), I feel that it is their responsibility to take their involvement further if they choose. I disagree with Linda's comment-- if I called every spouse who does not participate just to make sure they're getting the emails, I would never get off the phone. I work full time, so the hours I spend on the FRG are hours that take me away from my family and other activities I enjoy. At some point, people have to take responsibility for themselves and decide whether or not they want to be involved. When we make initial contact, I tell them that I send frequent emails, and if they find that they're not receiving them, they should call me. If I don't get a call, I assume they are getting the information.
I am lucky, I have a core group of women, with husbands of all ranks, who are very involved. I also have my fair share of "Do not ever contact me" spouses. That is their choice. Everyone wants/expects something different from their FRG, and it is difficult to strike that balance to please the greatest number of people.
Thanks for listening. :) And thanks for getting involved in your FRG! I am sure it means a lot to that FRG leader, as well as the spouses on your call list.

[Linda]

Meg and Stacy - thanks for the updates and comments. Meg - I'm glad you've gotten involved and are doing a good thing to keep others involved.

Stacy - you've been blessed to have a good group of spouses to work with. As for me, as I said, I'm a commander's wife. My husband is unique, in that every unit he will go to, he will likely be the commander (Army Bands). That being said, I have to pull teeth to get a family roster - even a roster with soldier and spouse name/contact info on it. As the cdr wife, I would love to be able to call all the spouses in the unit, to welcome new families...but I can't get this info. I can't get it from my hubby, he can't get it from the 1SG...all because the soldiers aren't providing it. I don't need an email address (though I do spend a good amount of my time dealing with email). I just want a name and a number. I can build my own contact list if need be. But I can't even get that most times. Then feelings get hurt when the spouses don't get contacted or welcomed by the cdr wife. I had hoped the FRG would alleviate this, but it's still pulling teeth to get this!

I also read, with interest, the comments about starting your own "group"...and this is what I mean by clique-y. If, instead of starting your own, non-sanctioned mini-FRG, you would instead get INVOLVED in the active (and military sanctioned/funded) FRG, then there wouldn't be a problem with your poorly run FRG.

Once again, we are trying to rebuild our FRG, and this time, it holds promise, as a lot of the spouses are younger, eager to assist, and have interest and desire to see this work.

[LAW]

Linda, I tried, over and over and over to get involved. so did EVERY SINGLE ONE of the group we decided to start. She refused to utilize us, denigrated every suggestion, had her husband inform our troops that we were Pains in her Butt and that we should shut up and leave. She has angered just about every spouse and other family in the original company and our group grows and grows. Sorry, I tried, we all did, but the rear det are terrified of her husband, and she uses his rank at every opportunity, so she won't change, and we got tired of our soldiers being slammed by her husband.

[Linda]

Oh, Law...that is a shame. She is the reason I am loathe to get involved more than at an advisory capacity. She is one of those women who thinks SHE'S the boss and wears her husband's rank. I am SO not like that. Just reading your post made me ANGRY.

Good luck with all of this - hopefully, someone better will take a stand against this woman and make your unit's FRG what it SHOULD be.

[LAW]

Since our deployment has been extended, the FRG hasn't changed. and trying to get that to change has exhausted most of us. For the sake of our own sanity our own little group has gone forward, doing our own projects and inviting her and the few FRG members remaining to join us. We are just trying to get through this, however we can.

Since I am going to be leaving this unit after this deployment, I am hoping that the new unit will have a better group. If it doesn't, I will try to affect change, try to assist the leadership or show them from the inside what a group CAN be.

LAW.

[CntryBunnie]

I didn't even know what FRG stood for when my husband deployed. He is a Navy Reservist and the navy has an unwritten rule that if they wanted the men to have wives, they would issue them in a seabag. I was extremely frustrated with this mentality and after three months of doing everything alone, I contacted MilitaryOneSource. They were able to hook me up with a FRG group from the National Guard in my hometown. Yes, things are different when dealing with different branches of the service, but overall it's nice to know that I have someone to help me. I have done a lot of research on my own and tried hard to be involved, I even tried to get a SEABEE Wives club started, but because of the long distances people didn't want to get together. I did find one lady who buddied with me and we have had a great time supporting each other. Our Ombudsman is supposed to be our leader, however she doesn't respond to emails and doesn't pass on information. It's been a sad experience. I am trying hard to help the LT at the Reserve Center to put something together for the next deployment round. I hope I can make a change as being without support is not a fun ride!

[RedLegMeg]

Bunnie, it's a good feeling taking things into your own hands and making something happen, isn't it? A frustrating process, to be sure, but it sounds as though you've made the best of a less than ideal situation.

[Cynthia Hawk]

I am the chairperson for our FRG for A Battery 1-182FA, here in Detroit Michigan. Check out our website WWW.182FRG.ORG I took all the issues we had been having under previous deployments and FRG Boards, and have worked hard to fix them. Our FRG is open to anyone that loves a soldier ... we have a lot of community support as well as programs to encourage our family members. I hear so often that the FRG is not there for the families, and it breaks my heart. No one but another military family member understands what you are going through or what you need to just be of support to your soldier - even when they aren't deployed. If I can be of any help, or you just want to vent, feel free to write me. I have a husband AND a son serving in Iraq right now and I REALLY understand about stress and the need for strong and positive communication within your Military family!! Be encouraged, there are a few good ones out here!

Cynthia Hawk-McDowell
hawkc216@yahoo.com

[phyllis]

My husband just signed me up to be te Family Readiness Cordinator for the 1113th Army National Guard out of San Jose Ca. Can anyone give me some Ideas on what I am supposed to be doing. Hubby was very short on information.. I have no lists or names yet.
Thank you
Phyllis

pverna@comcast.net

[Megan C]

http://www.mdw.army.mil/12thavnbn/FRG%20Leaders%20Handbook.pdf

[Megan C]

Phyllis,
This website may help as well.

http://www.guardfamily.org/

[Megan C]

http://www.calguard.ca.gov/185qm/

That is the homepage of the website that contains your husband's unit; hopefully you can find the names/emails of the commander and whoever else you are supposed to go to...make sure you take some training courses both online and also check into the Family Assistance Centers of each state and I'm sure the people who work at those can direct you further...you can email me at sunshinemegs@ameritech.net if you would like me to refer you to some experienced FRG leaders I have gotten to know who really know their stuff. And that handbook I posted is PHENOMENAL. There is online training stuff on the website I posted.

[Megan C]

oops I meant of YOUR state, not of EACH state. though there are FAC's in each state.

[Bonny]

Phyllis,

I know this is a little late but I just found this site. Have you signed up for any of the training for FRG? There are FRG courses and a course specifically for Volunteers, which is the Coordinator position. The courses are long but very helpful. You can find the courses on the calguard website. I have taken both courses, since I have been with the FRG since January 2004. I am now the Coordinator for my husband's unit. It is a lot of hard work but it is worth it!!

[StephLight]

Hey there~
I'm so happy I finally found a group where I can address a few questions.
I've been a FRG leader for 2 years and I've always had trouble motivating the spouses in our Company. I've tried everything possible. In the beginning, I even called the spouses I had on my Company phone roster on a regular basis to make sure they are ok and have everything they need. My CoLeader and I did fundraisers, Company Parties, and things like that. We sent out letters, created a newsletter, and now that our husbands are deployed to Iraq I've been forwarding all kinds of information, plus our monthly FRG meetings we've had from the start. I am at my wits' end, and don't know what else to do to get more spouses involved. We are a relatively small company (100 soldiers) and I have my three reliable volunteers but that's about it. I appreciate any kind of advice. Thank you so much!!!

[Bonny]

Steph,

I am sorry to burst your bubble but you are already looking at your FRG, which is you and the three volunteers you have. It is a lot of work but having just the three ladies is better than getting volunteers who are there for just the limelight or those who are forced to be there by their husbands. I have had both kinds and was glad to see them all go.

No matter what you offer, if they don't see the purpose of FRG, they won't come to help you. Your best bet is outside help. Your family, friends or co-workers.

The only advice I can give you, is to just keep going on. Do it for you and the other three volunteers. Do it because FRG is a great idea and should be supported. Do it for the soldiers who are deployed and need us whether they know it or not. In the end, people will see the good of the program and that will be enough.

I have the backing of the Commander and the military POC and I still have a hard time getting volunteers. That's okay because I know I'm doing something good, they command appreciates it, and so do the families I have contact with. The few words of thanks from the families and soldiers is what makes me march on.

[RedLegMeg]

StephLight, sounds like good advice from Bonny. I read your comment earlier today and wasn't really sure what to tell you. Lo and behold! Bonny stepped up to the plate and said it perfectly.

Best of luck to you and your "Three Amigos"!

[JodieCoyote]

I have been an Army wife for nearly 15 years and am a veteran in my own right. I have seen good FRGs and bad ones. I think the worst thing an FRG can have is the CO's wife or the 1SG's wife as the leader. It smacks of nepotism and makes it very difficult to deal with problems effectively. After all, a young spouse is not likely to lodge a complaint with the commander's wife since many, however mistakenly, think their husbands will be "punished" if they speak out. Also, few spouses have the "thick skin" necessary to deal with the criticism the commander may receive. The best FRG leaders are ones who are elected by the families in the unit and approved by the CO. A team with two or more co-leaders is a great set-up as well (for example, combine an "enlisted spouse" with an "officer spouse") as their is never a lapse in "coverage" of the duties and not one person has the sole burden of "being in charge."

The FRG is now a funded program, so having the commander's wife as leader is akin to the CO being married to the motor sergeant or the supply sergeant -- shouldn't happen. I think the spouse should serve in an advisory position to the FRG leader and that leader should work closely with the CO and the 1SG on family issues. Now, I know there are many spouses who run very effective programs and, of course, could argue that they are in the best position to understand and implement the commander's intent for the FRG program as his/her spouse. Army regulations don't require one thing or the other, so it's really up to the commander to decide what's best for his or her unit since the responsibility to establish and maintain the FRG is ultimately that of the command.
FRG leadership training is a must because it offers great resources and a network of support. An FRG is not about what spouses can and should do for the unit, but how the unit can help the spouses during deployments and other times of stress.
Spouses who haven't heard from the FRG leader really ought to call and make that first contact. Often the problem is that the Soldier hasn't provided contact information. Many junior Soldiers don't WANT their spouses involved in the FRG for a variety of reasons, most of them silly.
I have seen great FRGs who are truly wonderful teams that support one another and their families and 'coffee-klatch-cliques' of gossipping harpies who want nothing more than to curry favor for their husbands' careers. I think it's great that some families are taking it upon themselves to develop their own support groups. However, it's important to let the unit's leadership, including the FRG, have accurate contact information, particularly during a deployment when the FRG may be responsible for putting out important information.

[RedLegMeg]

JC, thanks for your input. It was very well thought out and you make several good points.

Just over thirteen years ago, I was that FRG (then FSG) leader. JD was an E5 and fairly new to his unit. I attended a meeting that the BC (battery commander) held. His wife was working full time and had a bit of a commute. The two of them agreed that she would not be able to devote the amount of time they thought necessary for a well run FRG. Well, I wasn't yet working and had no children so was "offered up" by two of my friends (who at the time were working mothers). I had a good working relationship with the BC and it ended up being a great experience.

I believe that our BN Commander set the example; he was in charge of our BN Steering Committee and had chosen an E4's wife as our leader. She wanted the "job" and was very good at it. I don't ever remember there being any egos in the room during a meeting and I believe that's because he did such a wonderful job of setting the tone. I can't say I've ever seen anything like it since. I've been part of other good FRG's, but not with these same dynamics.

[Bonny]

I agree that the Coordinator should never be assigned the position. It should be someone who wants it and knows they can do the job.

When I started in 2004, the Coordinator was the Commander's wife. I loved her and the Commander though!! She had all the contacts and the experience. Anything they asked for, I was there to support.

The Coordinator I had after her, left much to be desired. She tried her best but you knew she was doing it for recognition as opposed to selfless service. I actually caught her in a lie, which made me think about quitting the group. Well, she quit and we got another Coordinator.

My third Coordinator was military but was also a spouse who didn't deploy. I had reservations about her but she turned out great!! She stayed true to hue military duties but she did not let us down either. She had that git'r dun attitude and we got things done.

I would not recommend a military person take the position though. I can see a conflict of interest there. This situation worked out but I don't see a positive outcome everytime. The Coordinator should want to do the job, for the families and the soldiers. That's it, no other reason.

The 'three amigos' (I love that one!!) and I greatly appreciate your input on our dilemma. Thank you for the encouraging words. Actually, that's exactely our attitude: Keep going because we're doing it for the soldiers and not the spouses who don't want to be a part of it. Again, thanks for your insight.

[Cynthia Hawk-McDowell]

I understand the frustration I read above. I really do, but not all Commanders Wives who lead are bad. Not all FRGs are. If you go into a new organization with these preconceived ideas of course you are going to get just what you expected! Failure. I really enjoy my post as FRG Chairperson. Our board members work as a team, and even more I feel blessed to be in this position and be able to talk with or help all the family members in our unit. Our Unit actually got 'added' into by soldiers from over 19 other units, and several states! We have a tried to reach out to everyone, provide a program that is open and recognizes the needs of all the family members - we do NOT exist just for the spouses. I am a mom AND spouse of a soldier. I constantly encourage our members to step up and run with any idea or effort they want to try. Some are successful others not so much but we have a great time supporting each other and our soldiers. We have teleconferencing available for those that are not able for any reason to call in and listen in(geographically or just couldnt get there). We dont have gossip or coffee klatches, we have guest speakers, fun raffles, event planning, a strong youth program... we start at 10 and have a hard time leaving each other long after the speakers are done! I guess what I want to say after all that is you experience what you expect. Expect the best, if its not there do something positive about it. If your local group isn't making you feel welcome, figure out what would and ask to start it. FRGs end up cliques because the same folks reliably stand up and show up. So if you stay away no one knows you wished you were there. We have offered and set up a lot of possible events and fun activities. But the FRG cant make you show up and laugh. I would love to have you visit or dial in and be a part of one of our meetings. Sincerely, whether you have a soldier deployed or not, whether you are directly related in any fashion but just want to help soldiers and their families, IF YOU LOVE A SOLDIER ... You are welcome to come and share. Check out our website, www.182FRG.org. We welcome you, your ideas, your frustrations and hope we can make a difference. We meet the first Saturday of every month at the Detroit Olympia Armory, from 10-2. Our contact info is on the website. I was 'volunteered' for this position, BUT I thank God I was as it has been a true blessing. There is always room for improvement, no FRG leader is perfect as they are also human, good lord like you have never forgotten to call someone back! There are 205 families in our FRG, and only 24 hours in the day! I do my best and ask God and our families to forgive the rest ... or HELP me with it!!Please be encouraged! Truly you are not alone unless you chose to be.

[Bonny]

Cynthia,

I like what you wrote about FRG. I completely understand the bad experiences, as I have had them. I just wish we could all focus on the good stuff that's done too.

I like what I do as Coordinator and what the ideal FRG is supposed to be. My support system is great. I just wish I could have all the people on here who want to help.

[Karen]

I've read a lot of comments here about women who don't want to be on the contact list for FRG. There is a reason for that. I've been an army wife for 12 years and we've had numerous duty stations from DC to Hawaii and everywhere in between. The FRG's seem to break down respect for chain of command. Wives get to talking about too much personal information which they then go home and tell their husbands and all of a sudden their 1st. Sgt. is human after all and they think they can have more intimate relationships with those higher in command. They lose respect for him when they find out how he puts his socks on in the morning. Then when two wives get into a fighting match, which is human nature and will happen, they also bring that home to hubby, and then the guys at work, who are naturally going to stick up for their wives, start fighting as well. This can be pretty intense sometimes and dangerous when they get called to war. Angry soldiers sharing a fox hole with live amunition, well you can see where this could lead. I've found it's actually better to keep the wives apart and let them make their own friends elsewhere. It's never a good idea to try and force people to become friends just because their husbands work together. I like to hand pick my friends more carefully than that. And hand picked friends from outside of FRG are there for you because they want to be, not out of obligation, and that feels a lot better when you need to be comforted.

[Bonny]

True, non-FRG friends are great but so are the ones that are FRG related. I don't hang out with just one group of friends but with all my friends, just at different times.

There are some military spouses that I do not want around at all. Those are the ones I do not call friend but I do call if they want to do volunteer work. Everyone has a purpose, it just takes time to figure out what that is.

As for gossip, that is what can sink any group, FRG or otherwise. The best way to stop it is to not do it. Sure, I tell my hubby funny things about people I know but I also know that he doesn't plan to write a blog about it. When I do have a fight with someone, I also know that he knows I can handle it myself. I do not need him to fight my battles for me. Just as he vents to me about his day, I do the same with him. No more is expected than an ear to listen to me.

[ArmyMum]

Hey folks,

I am new to all of this, and have joined our fledgling FRG. I love this site, and I am getting all kinds of information that I didn't have. Not that I had much, since the group is so new.

I have been making things for our soldiers for years and shipping them over seas. I never felt like it was enough. Now that I am involved with the FRG, I am hoping to make it a great one, as soon as I figure out exactly what a great one is.

I have an added handicap since I am not an army wife, or attached to the military in any way. My son enlisted in the Army Reserves about 6 months ago, and this is a way for me to kinda be involved with him in an indirect way, and help out where I can.

I know that some of you have been in or around the FRG's in your area for a long time, so what is your favorite thing that you have done, or what is it that you would like to see done? Any and all feedback is welcome.