Surgical Inclusion

It's very odd to be married to a service member who hasn't deployed and most likely won't be deployed in the future.  Especially nowadays when it seems everyone is deployed.  It's just not something they do with development engineers.  He's much more useful to the rest of the military if he stays here and designs the war fighting capability!

So, I've been feeling very much like I'm not a 'real' military spouse because my significant other had never deployed.  He was gone for seven months straight last year, but it was an in-country TDY - so that just doesn't count, does it?

But I feel like I'm finally joining the club....sort of.

Next week I am having surgery (not major, but not minor) and I'm nervous about it.  Even more so because my husband is TDY and won't be back in time for my surgery.  It's not the same as having your husband deployed and going through surgery....I realize this.  But I have to manage the kids (Goober is being shipped off to friends and the other cubs are being shamelessly pressed into nursing duty!), deal with recovery rooms solo, bother friends (family is, of course, states away) to drive me there and back and do all this without the spouse as a fall back.  Thank God for military friends - the civilian friends can't get on base.

I've been feeling proud of myself that I could deal with a traumatic event sans spouse. I feel as though I can finally relate (on a very small scale - don't want to know how to relate on a big scale) to those of you who have dealt with traumatic events during your spouses deployments.

I have to say, it's a very empowering experience.  I can do this!  Catch me next Tuesday afternoon when I'm trying to manage recovery on my own and it might be a different story.  But for now, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!  I think y'all are amazing, absolutely inspirational.  Whether you get through it "well" or barely hang on to  your sanity - you survived and you dealt with whatever came your way.  Kudos to you! 

Meanwhile, I sit back and smile that I can do this and, in some small way, join the fraternity of spouses who endure when their spouses are gone. 

God bless you all!

Comments

[Sarah]

I know the military is fostering its own form of oneupsmanship related to deployments: everyone constantly compares how bad they've had it. But don't get sucked into that nonsense. As Joan d'Arc said at SpouseBUZZ Live, we all deal with our own reality and our own set of problems. Don't denigrate yourself: you've more than made up for lack of deployments with Sew Much Comfort. And you've gone through more with your son's cancer than most of us could dream of enduring, so don't ever think that you can't measure up to the hardship ruler. Trust me, you were already in the fraternity...

[Andi]

Ditto what Sarah said. Trying to compare situations and circumstances is counterproductive, unhealthy and just plain silly.

The military is a team effort, we need people in a variety of positions, and that means that many of our service members are best utilized in non-combat zones. Doesn't make them any less military and doesn't make their spouses a lesser category milspouse.

And for those who don't know GBear - wish you did. She's truly one of the most amazing, inspiring women I've ever met. Thanks to GBear, thousands and thousands of wounded service members have been given some extra TLC.

[Sis B]

I was actually thinking of this very subject today as I was driving along. I am really tired of the oneupmanship in the military. Whether it's between the branches of service, the units, the MOS's, everyone always has it worse and is more hardcore than somebody else. I call my husband out quite frequently about this type of behavior. I've noticed it to a lesser degree among milspouses, and I also do it to myself.

I find myself saying "he's JUST in Korea..." but you know what? That's still really hard. No, it's not as bad as some other spouses have it, and it's probably not the worst we will go through. But it's still hard. It's ok to recognize that and be proud of yourself for dealing with it.

Good luck with your procedure and have a speedy recovery! I'm sure its very scary to go through this alone!

[GBear]

Golly guys! I really do appreciate the compliments - but I was trying to be sorta funny. (Note to self: stop writing when you get up at 3am!)

There is a stigma, if you will, to NOT having a spouse deploy. But I appreciate everything my husband contributes to the military. His fellow military members and our national security are best served when he designs the military offensive weapons he creates. He's somewhat of a genious in this - if I do say so myself!

As for me, this latest trial has had me coming face to face with the reality so many of y'all are dealing with in day to day living. It's made me appreciate what you do so much more and has raised my respect for military spouses even higher - which was no small feat since I set the bar fairly high for us anyway!

It's nice to see friends come to one's defense! One of the true gifts of military spouse-hood - the bond is like steel. Not unlike the members of the club!

[liberal army wife]

there is no JUST when it comes to being away. TDY, Korea, Iraq, Afghanistan. Each one means the troop is not home. As we say in Italy "Basta!" Enough.

And the oneupsmanship goes to wives of troops in the Sand. I had one sneer at me (my DH is on Anaconda and her's is at a FOB) something to the effect that he isn't really even deployed. I wanted to smack the little twit, and then I realized that is HER way of dealing with this. However you get through what ever it is life throws at you, that's the way it is. Being nasty isn't the BEST way to do it, but hey, I understand (don't like it, but understand)

I'm holding off on a surgery I should have, but it means 6 weeks recovery without doing much of anything, and that is JUST NOT going to happen right now. So, we'll wait until he finally does get home, then do it (he gets to be nursemaid, cook, cleaner,emptier of the litter box etc.... revenge is sweeeeeet)

Good luck GBear. hope it all works out perfectly and if not, hey, let someone else pick it up.

LAW

[crystal]

A military spouse is a military spouse no matter if your spouse has deployed or not. If you are in any way a part of the military you are a spouse. So, dont feel bad about it. Just roll with the flow and brush off those who criticize because he hasnt been deployed..be thankful, but just know his time may come.

[Kel]

i have to agree with PP. No 2 military wives are the same. No 2 experiences are the same, and no 2 wives cope with those experiences in the same way. We all have our "battle" stories and we are all the stronger for them. God Bless you all.

[dual military wife]

I'm so glad you posted this! I am actually a member of the Army who hasn't deployed. I hate the stigma that comes with it because I have been in for 6 years. That's three deployments that I should have been on. I look at it this way though, God apparently doesn't want me over there. The first time i found out i was pregnant AFTER i got the anthrax shot. The second time i found out that i have an eye disease and was going through that. I went through a med board and they said "fit for duty within limits of profile". Well that's an issue because my doctor's still don't want me deployed, so they won't change my non-deployable profile. I'm glad that there are people out there though that understand that you can serve your country whether in CONUS or OCONUS. I feel that being on Rear-D can be hard in itself and it's not always easy--i'm personnel by the way. Thank you guys, you have not only helped the orignal poster, but you have also helped me. Thanks for making me feel like i too have done something. BTW, my husband is currently deployed.

[Tammy Munson/HH6]

I hear ya Gbear! My husband works in Clinical Engineering (biomed) and has hardly gone anywhere. We are looking at his first 'Real" TDY in March when he goest to Korea for a month.

My freinds roll their eyes at me when I tell them how the kids are not wanting Daddy to go. Most of them are looking at a year or more and I'm talking about 30 days. It's just that we are not used to him being gone.. but this year is definitely different. He already has 2 TDY assignments on the horizon. (one conus, one oconus)

I guess I'm finally starting to feel like a REAL army wife.

Thanks!!

[Pete40]

I need advice.
My husband has not deployed either, and we have been in since '82-ok I am lucky to have him by my side so long.
Huge fight about it. He can retire and I keep telling him to. He has served his country. I am worried to death about all the "what if's when returning" that I hear is happening to many military personnel. (Marines)
We have been arguing about this for months and he is continually looking for billets so he can deploy. I need to talk to someone about this that is not family- jus military family.... HELP> I dont want a divorce out of this I love him and I know he loves me, it is just a huge stress at this time... HELP