One is the Loneliest Number

That's a picture of my Pampered Chef Small Bar Pan.  And that circle baked into the middle is the result of repeatedly baking a single Pillsbury biscuit.  Which I did for 13 months.

I have always been the first to say that I bow down to spouses who have to juggle kids during a deployment.  Nothing I did can compare to that.

But there's something about being by yourself during the deployment that's just so...lonely.

During OIF II, I stayed in Germany while my husband deployed.  I didn't have kids or pets to keep me company, so it was just me.  One of my friends couldn't stand to come to my house because she said it was painfully quiet.

Most of the time, it wasn't so bad: I got to watch whatever I wanted on TV, I didn't have to wait my turn for the computer, and I got to sleep sprawled out in the middle of the bed.  But other times it just plain stunk.  One morning I woke up with a crick in my neck that wouldn't go away, and there was no one to give me a back rub.  I walked around miserable for three days, covered in BenGay and wishing there were someone I felt comfortable enough to ask to rub my aching back.

And there are no hugs when an ocean separates you from the rest of your family.  I know I went for months without basic human contact, and I envied the folks who at least could hug their kids.  (We've since gotten a furry little dog, so next year I'll at least have someone to cuddle.)

So while my stress level was significantly lower during the year than that of the temporary-single moms', being all alone in the house is not much fun either.  Of course, I'd better not say that too loudly, or someone's gonna drop their kids off at my house next time!

Comments

[RedLegMeg]

Your poor little bar pan! I want to know how you managed to eat just one Pillsbury biscuit. Forget surviving a deployment all on your own... how'd you eat just one?

[Wandalee Silva]

I cannot even begin to imagine what the next year will hold, my son is about to be deployed on Sunday to Iraq, he was just married in AUG , has a daughter who is on (1 1/2) year old daughter and twins on the way in JAN 2007, while all my energy will be devoted to the sweet new wife ( I love her like my own daughter) wife and helping with the little one and the new borns, I cannot get through a week without having nightmares of him needing my help and not being able to help him. Even though he is married and grown up ( 19 years old) I cannot express in words the pain in my heart and soul that I am feeling. Some days I just feel numb.

[kasha henning]

this is my 3rd depolyment with my hubby. we have 3 kids together. i know all about the lonely nights and wanting human contact. at least i have my kids, but what i wouldnt do for adult contact sometimes,like tonight i cant sleep to much on my mind and there is no one to talk too. please keep your head up it does get easier i promise,

[HomefrontSix]

When we moved to Alaska, it was just as East Timor was heating up back in 99 (before children). We had only been there a few weeks and hadn't even received our HHGs yet. Then the unit started ramping up to deploy to East Timor and I realized that I would have to endure that alone. In Alaska. With no HHGs.

I went to the pound and adopted 2 cats immediately. I wanted something else ALIVE in the house with me.

And you're right - there is a loneliness associated with enduring a deployment alone (i.e. no children or other humans in the house with you). The kids, though overwhelming and exhausting, do keep me busier and more distracted (and therefore not so focused on the TIME) as I would be if it were just me. That is a good thing.

That bar pan is pitiful though. :(

[LAW]

Before husband took off for Bosnia almost 4 years ago we had an OLD dog and a cat. we got a puppy, who has grown into a great guard dog (wimp! but noisy) the Old dog has left us to play in forever beautiful mudpatches, and the cat is still here. And without them, I would be so damned lonely. without kids, it's so quiet, and really no reason to get out of bed! the dog makes me get up, let her out, feed her, play... the cat is easier, but a soft warm something to cuddle up with...

And for the back and neck, I found a superb massage therapist. Touch is very important! and we NEED it.

yeah, deployments just suck. but we can get out of the dumps, it take a lot of work.

LAW

[Jo]

Dang -- I miss the hugs too.

[Calico]

One thing I have found that helps me get through the long lonely months is - before they deploy - getting together and going over a list of things to accomplish, coming up with priorities for the budget. That way when I'm doing something from the list I can hear Hubby's comments in my head and feel he's a part of what I'm doing.

Even better, tho, is pets. We have a watch dog and 2 cats, and we all take care of eachother. Each one picks their own time to demand my attention so they each feel special, and I get to give and receive love several times a day - even if it is of the furry variety.

Keep your chin up, Sarah. You are not alone.

[Paige]

I don't understand how you could eat only ONE biscuit. I faithfully made dinner enough to feed a small army, even while hubby was (and still is) gone, since I came from a large family and never learned to cook for just one. It's hard to comprehend all the left overs that have gone to waste.

My pathetic sign of being all lone: My glasses in the cupboard, collecting dust while he's gone. I am a little OCD about cleaning, and can't bring myself to dirty more than 1 glass a day, it just seems like a waste otherwise. So 7 of the 8 glasses from the set we got at our wedding are sitting in my cupboard, unused for the past 6 months. I can't wait to have him home again, just so I have SOMETHING to do, something to clean, someone else to pick up after. I'm sure that feeling will go away pretty quickly once he's actualy here.

[Paige]

I don't understand how you could eat only ONE biscuit. I faithfully made dinner enough to feed a small army, even while hubby was (and still is) gone, since I came from a large family and never learned to cook for just one. It's hard to comprehend all the left overs that have gone to waste.

My pathetic sign of being all lone: My glasses in the cupboard, collecting dust while he's gone. I am a little OCD about cleaning, and can't bring myself to dirty more than 1 glass a day, it just seems like a waste otherwise. So 7 of the 8 glasses from the set we got at our wedding are sitting in my cupboard, unused for the past 6 months. I can't wait to have him home again, just so I have SOMETHING to do, something to clean, someone else to pick up after. I'm sure that feeling will go away pretty quickly once he's actualy here.

[Paige]

I don't understand how you could eat only ONE biscuit. I faithfully made dinner enough to feed a small army, even while hubby was (and still is) gone, since I came from a large family and never learned to cook for just one. It's hard to comprehend all the left overs that have gone to waste.

My pathetic sign of being all lone: My glasses in the cupboard, collecting dust while he's gone. I am a little OCD about cleaning, and can't bring myself to dirty more than 1 glass a day, it just seems like a waste otherwise. So 7 of the 8 glasses from the set we got at our wedding are sitting in my cupboard, unused for the past 6 months. I can't wait to have him home again, just so I have SOMETHING to do, something to clean, someone else to pick up after. I'm sure that feeling will go away pretty quickly once he's actualy here.

[Army D/W]

ok. That bar pan "HURTS" :(

RedLegMeg: I'm with you..I eat a whole bag of those and call them "dinner"!? Sarah hats off for your will power!

I've done the alone, then "with pet", and now with Man Cub (ie: a 5 year old clone of the I-Man). The only deployment "style" I won't try is the "move back to the parents" one....I'd rather shoot myself...that's another post.

Each of the above have emotional costs unique to them... Bottom line for me is that I'm a social beast by nature. I have to provide myself with adult human contact every day or I find myself "bonding" with the Starbucks coffee bar guy.....

I have a list of people who all know their "way to contribute" to the "cause" is to talk me down from my wild "what if" worst case imagination....not just the ultimate~but the "what if I fall and break my leg? who will x,y,z for us???" They are also expected to laugh at my personal insanity and listen to me rant when need be...Wow! I owe them a HUGE party when this is over!

We also have a friend who is deployed, but not with the I-man...I focus on keeping him "up" by sending letters and whacky cards and that helps me stop the focus on the "BAR PAN" aspect of my life!!!!

don't ever let anything happen to that bar pan.....it will tell your story to generations to come.

[NavyWife79]

I'm looking at my husband possibly deploying in the next 3 months. Unfortunately, he works for SpecWar (navy seals) so we won't know when or where he's going. He'll just get the call. Now, I'm a military brat, but my dad never saw combat so this is kind of a new situation.

I knew it was something that could happen when I married him (just a year ago) and I feel somewhat prepared, though I'm sure that I'm really not.

Anyone have some advice to share with a 'newbie' to deployments?

[Army D/W]

NavyWife79: think about what you might "need then" now. Are you a social beast? do you need to be left alone but want certain people to call? do you need to do certain things with someone, movies? dinner? coffee? shopping? do you love to read? write? cook? craft? Set yourself up with those things now, while the impact of being "alone" isn't overwhelming you.

It sounds stupid but we get wrapped up in busy lives and I think forget what we like to do when we are alone. Set in place before the DH leaves things that will help you pass the time and stay sane. Even if it's a trip to Barnes and Nobel together to buy double books for you to both read while apart and talk about when you are together again....

I used to (prior to the Man Cub) keep a "Me" basket (now he is my ME basket!). All the things I wanted to do/cook/read/craft when I had the time....the I-Man has done his time in a (SEAL like command) so it came in handy to have something to do while I wondered when he'd be gone or when he'd be back.

Tell friends now what you might face and what you might need when/if it happens. I think during the impact of deployment we "make due" and "drive on" so we really can't tell people who we trust to help, what we need. I have friends who know I love MAIL! So, they send me snail mail and I get to be excited at the mail box every now and then. It makes my day on some days when I'd rather stay in my pj and eat biscuit's ;)

Make sure the people you can count on know what they can do for you. It's sometime's hard to be "open" about the "what-if's" but it pays in the long run to have that support just "know" how to help you!

[Kristin]

I'm a new Navy wife, new to the military family and I am pregnant with my first child in San Diego and I am from the east coast and know no one. Does anyone have advice of who to connect with to become more involved or to develop a support network?

[Carlie]

I admire you for making the biscuit, because even though I enjoy cooking, I mostly stay out of the kitchen. I make a lot of frozen stuff, because I just don't feel like going through all the trouble to cook to just feed myself and have a mess to clean up just for me. I cooked so much more when I was just living with my parents.

I'm having that neck problem right now too, lol. And I am not in Germany, but I know how big an ocean feels from Hawaii when my home is in Maine.

[rena]

I am a sub wife with no kids so I completly understand the alone thing and cooking for yourself, my husband likes lots of animals so when hes not home i have to run the zoo (snakes, gecko, fish, dogs and cats) but I find myself every weekend at the pool hall just playing pool or dancing with my friends because i need that human contact. sad part is the other wifes around me feel that going to the bar is not appropriate without my husband. What else am i supposed to do, im not going home with anyone i remain faithful to him so what is wrong with still enjoying life without kids, when i have kids ill have them as a distraction but until then am i supposed to sit at home everyday go to work and thats it?
Being alone is hard but if you find something you enjoy that is at a safe place go do it as often as possible, other means of support go to a wifes club meeting if they have such a thing meet a few wifes that are also newbies and share the experience with them. getting involved is not required but going to a few meetings can give you an opportunity to meet people.

[sgtgraveswife]

My husband and I had custody of his 2 children, but the judge decided that if he got deployed, they should temporarily go back to their mother because she is the biological mother. Makes no sense considering he took custody away from her for a reason. Anyway, my husband left and the next week, I had to take the kids back to live with their mother. That was the hardest week. Loosing him and then the kids, who I think of and love as my own. I know that its a lot of work to keep up with all the kids stuff while your the only one doing it, but I sure wish that I had them here. Being alone sometimes is just this overwhelming feeling that overtakes everything else. When your feeling lonely and your the only one in the house, you can only clean so much or watch so many movies. Seeing couples on tv just holding each other, holding hands, or just talking. I suppose there is always going out to do something (which usually ends up costing money), but everywhere you go there are soldiers that remind you of your own. I will always say, being a military wife is the toughest job in the military. With all that said, as much as I want my husband home, I will always completely support him and what he does for this country and will always be so very proud of him and will always be here, waiting for him to come home.

[aKelly]

One is the saddest number possible. Cooking for one, been doing that for 14 months now! I still have another 2 to go. I go to work full time, play with our dog, I even now go to the gym just to kill daylight hours (there aren't many at Ft. Wainwright!!) but when you go home and curl up in bed, that overwhelming desire for "his" arms around you still gets to you!! --and when he's home you aren't used to someone sharing that Queen sized bed and there are many times on R&R hubby woke up by getting kicked off the bed. (Oppss!) I think the biggest mark that hubby is gone, other then the CLEAN house, health food, beer still in the fridge, and dust on the bottom part of the plates, would be the lack of laundry I have done in the past year... Isnt it amazing how your laundry seems to triple when he is home? The pt's, the ACU's, the civilian clothes.. its insane! For myself, I can do a couple hours of laundry and be fine for the week.

Dang, doesnt matter what you do, you could be in a room full of people, but you still imagine his voice and your heart jumps. You could see a soldier in uniform and your heart aches for your man.
I think the thing that has helped me the absolute most is my husbands constant efforts to make me know how much he loves me and misses me. An email, a sweet letter, or how he lets me know its him on the other end of the phone. (who else would be calling at 2am?)
Good communication, (when/where available) has helped me the most. Being able to talk to my husband through the letters/email/phone. Just hearing his voice or seeing those letters. That helps to not feel SO lonely.

[llee]

I work with many families around the world and have heard from many of you how lonely "one" can be! There also are many of you that are in "leadership positions" who have also experienced the loneliness of being without your spouse due to a deployment; I brought one of the FRG leaders up to the podium after my introduction one day - she was attending her last conference and I wanted everyone in our audience to understand the many many hours she had given unselfishly to this group - and thank her for her time! I hugged her onstage that day - a hug of praise for her selflessness. I received a beautiful e-mail from her later saying that she so appreciated that hug - that it seemed everyone was afraid to touch her because of her "status" and she missed being hugged! A lesson I will never forget - one for you to also remember.

[Kirsten]

I know exactly what you mean about being alone! Especially about missing personal contact, or even conversation! I was in Germany for my husband's first deployment. He's gone again now. I didn't have a job at first, and sometimes I used to wonder...if I keeled over and died, how long would it be before someone noticed? That was more morbidly funny than sad to me...I guess that's strange but it used to make me laugh! Your biscuit pan made me laugh too! I also used to cook just one every morning! It's silly, but I cooked it on a little piece of tin foil rather than use my whole cookie sheet...I guess it didn't look quite so lonely that way ;) Thanks for your post--while it's sad that we can be so lonely sometimes, it's good to know someone else feels it too, it makes it easier now coming home to an empty house, well empty except for these kitties I've adopted. :)

[Danielle]

Thank God, I found this site! This is my husband's first deployment without me (we were in Desert Shield/Storm together). I must say, I do not like this side of deployment. I never imagined the loneliness, even being in a room full of people. And the crying…seeing his favorite frozen strawberries in the store is enough to make me grab for the Puffs Plus. I could pretty much predict the things that I would cry over, songs, special places, seeing Soldiers in Uniform, but strawberries? Thank you for all of your words, I don’t feel so much like the “lonely biscuit”. We still have about a year to go and I’m trying to find the best coping mechanism. My FRG is 2.5 hours away, so staying in touch is a little tough. But, thanks again for sharing and continue to keep all of our Military in your prayers. God Bless.

[Liz]

Just wanted to say that I too know what you are going through. ALthought I am not a country away, I am a state away from everone I know from a recent PCS change and move to Las Vegas. I thought since I had dealt with sea duty 3yrs ago, it wouldn't be no different and it wouldn't be so hard. But it was like I was in denile. I do have two handful of small dogs who are my babies, but even they hate him being gone. Good luck with your time alone again and know that all of us military spouses know the feeling, and you aren't really alone in this.

[amanda]

this post makes me think and ask the question. Why isn't there a chat room just for military spouses that someone can control who is in the room so no perves or sex addict pppl and it just be for lonly military spouses or any military spouse to go and talk about movies or help with kids or pets that you can actually talk to people and not leave a blog or post a msg but have it as a chat room. If there is a room like that let me know or more importanly how do we start one??

[amanda]

this post makes me think and ask the question. Why isn't there a chat room just for military spouses that someone can control who is in the room so no perves or sex addict pppl and it just be for lonly military spouses or any military spouse to go and talk about movies or help with kids or pets that you can actually talk to people and not leave a blog or post a msg but have it as a chat room. If there is a room like that let me know or more importanly how do we start one??

[mrsmartin]

hey, i just found this site the other day and have enjoyed reading all of your comments. i know this doesn't compare to deployment but i just needed to talk to someone who would understand. i'm 19 and have been married for 5 months now. in those five months, my husband has done 1 gunnery and about 4 field duties. i was also gone for a month for an ROTC duty trip. this equates to pretty much half of our marriage spent apart. he's gone right now.
when he's gone, i get lonely but it's bearable....i have a friend in town and can visit my parents whenever i want, and school definitely keeps me busy. but last night, i actually felt alone...not just lonely, but alone. i'm pretty sure some of ya'll know the difference. in one night, both the washer and dryer decided to team up against me and the shirt i needed clean for today. i had an unbelievable amount of homework to do and a test today. and no one would answer their phone. my husband's phone isn't working where they are so he's been using another guy's, so it's not like i could have just called and vent everything that's going on. i was ALONE. well, we finally got to talk for like 17 minutes and in that time, all the stress, tiredness, and worry rolled into one and somehow instead of letting him make me feel better, i just didn't. since last night, i just can't seem to stop crying because i feel so bad for not being happy for him and angry that i can't make things a little less stressful right now. i hate not having anyone close, especially when i need help. but i want to be there for him too.

how do you stay positive for your husband when he's away, even when it feels like the world is crashing and exploding and disintegrating all around you?

[Joan D'Arc]

mrsmartin - you ask a very tough question... what does one do when the world seems to be spinning out of control? First, I want to say that you really are NOT alone. MANY, if not all, military spouses go through this type of phase at one time or another. It's called being human. Everything you are feeling - guilt, anger, sadness, etc. is normal. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. Sometimes crying is about the only thing you can do to feel better, even if it's temporary.

Here's what I usually do: go through all the emotions I am feeling and cry, cry, cry until I just don't want to cry any more. I allow myself a day or a half day or whatever fits to just be miserable. I give myself a time limit of misery and then it's time to get over it and move on. I know, easier said than done, but it's a learning process... and I have been learning the process for over 9 years now and I am still working on it!

Fortuntaley, you found SpouseBUZZ. You can write and post comments any time you like and know that someone out there in cyberspace (SpouseBUZZ authors and readers) is listening. We don't have all the answers and none of us deal with difficult situations perfectly, but we are here for you to vent to. Sometimes just venting is therapeutic - maybe you don't want someone to FIX your problem, but you just need someone to listen and hear you. That's okay too.

[LAW]

mrs martin. You can't always BE positive. I asked my husband if it bothered him if I vented at him. or told him what was going on that sucked in my life. and he said if I didn't he'd worry that there was something even worse going on! He knows darn well that there is NOTHING perfect about my life, that either something at work or something at home is always going to be going wrong. but I will admit, I don't tell him everything..... or at least not until it's solved, fixed or taken care of. but yeah, some days I gotta just let it out.

Like Joan said, go ahead, cry, scream, throw things (NOTHING that means a lot or could hurt) (get a lot of cushions or cheap plates if you insist on the noise)and get it OUT. if you keep a stiff upper lip, and bottle it all up, you are going to get sick, the body needs the release.

and vent here. we have been there, done that and have waaaay too many tshirts. and we understand, we don't judge you, cause we know that one day we will be in your shoes.

LAW

[N.G. Nana]

I've done both deployments ones with children and without. It's much harder when the children have left the nest. I always thought it would be better if the children were grown. I was WRONG. It's lonely. I have a mat massager, two little dogs and two cats. I have to say the dogs are great!

[txdave]

Any age person can get hit with an aching back, as this article says, but there is help:

http://achingbackrelaxed.blogspot.com

Please check it out. dave

[Lisa Cosgrave]

Hello! I know exact what you mean. I am in the same exact situation. We moved here, germany, 9 months ago & my husband deployed 5 months ago. We weren't able to concieve yet, so here I am Alone, No kids, our only pet is living in Ca with family and it is very lonely. Communication is very rare because he is always moving. It's hard to hear about how everyone else is hearing from their husbands and even one is able to see and speak with her husband through webcam. It is so incredibly hard not being able to be with family, especially since my husband's first nephew turned one recently and my sister is getting married. I feel like I'm missing out on everyone's life. So...I know what you felt like because I'm feeling it now. Cheers To All The Military Wives!

[kristal burgan]

i am a new military wife with usb in marines.we just moved to royse city tx.i know noone here have a one yr old boy and i;m 5 months pregnant with a baby girl trouble is husb is being deployed at time of birth soon. picture this new state ,new military wife,no family, no friends,husb will be gone for one yr .and having a baby alone.and taking care of a one yr old at same time.alone...

[k. burgan]

and i do feel alone...

[Super Sniper's Girl]

I can definately feel for the 'housewives without kids' or those that work from home like me. I can catch myself going days without leaving the house or even uttering one word!! It got so bad that I DID befriend the Starbucks guy, hell, all of them! There are about 30 'regulars' that hang out at 'my' Starbucks and when I need companionship I go from table to table kissing cheeks and 'stealing' hugs :) It is strange at first going for so long without human contact that at first you jump when ever someone brushes against you lol

[New single mom]

I have two kids and new as an army wife. My husband is on training right now until january and probably deployed to iraq afterwards. I am experiencing being a single mom and it is so hard. How can I deal with this? please help with advise. Things to do, etc..

[Steph D]

My boyfriend wants to be a navy seal, he is talking to recuiters now and is being released from the guard. If he does this- we will probably move to San Diego. I am 21yrs old and am trying to decide if getting married and living this lifestyle will be right for me. What is everyday life like? How much of the year do you get to see your husband? Did his personality change? Any advise would be appreciated!

[SailorBubbasGal]

My husband just left for Iraq this afternoon. This is his first deployment to Iraq, although he has been to Afghanistan a couple of times. This is my first time posting on SpouseBuzz, although I did attend the recent conference. Please forgive me if my comments are not posted in the right place. I couldn't figure out where to post and was frustrated from going in circles. I believe this is due to my current state of mind and has nothing to do with how this website is set-up. He's only been gone about 5 hours and already my heart aches with loneliness. I mean absolutely no disrespect to those of you who have children because I cannot express how much respect I have for you and what you do while your husbands and wives are away. The battle on the home front is sometimes just as hard as the battle 'over there'. I have no children, but I do have 3 cats (yes, too many, I know). I often am looked upon by those with children as if I do not have a hard time dealing with deployments. No, I do not have to be both a mother and a father. No, I do not have to try to work, pick-up the kids, and take them to soccer practice. No, I do not have to run them to the ER at 3am. But, that does not mean that I do not struggle or have a hard time with deployment. But, that's exactly how I feel and exactly how I've been "judged". Sometimes I feel more sorry for myself because I have no to talk to (whether they can respond or not). Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because I have nothing to get me up in the morning for breakfast or to take to a play date. As you all know, families back "home" do not understand what we're going through. For those of you who have tried going there while your hero is deployed, you know this. I have never tried this myself. I'll be honest though, every deployment it goes through my head. Not for the whole deployment, but at least the first week or two, when everything seems to be the hardest. They do not live in your shoes nor do they understand what you are going through. They cannot...no matter how hard they try. Until they've experienced it first hand, they never will. I have a sister-in-law who whines about her husband going out of town with the youth group for a week or two. Boo-hoo! Am I supposed to feel bad for you? I have a civilian friend who complains sometimes because her husband works night shifts and they don't get to see each other as much as they'd like to. Boo-hoo! I do not feel bad for you either. Regardless of whether you see him as much as you'd like, you still get feel his arms around you every day, even if it's just for a moment. My family doesn't understand. My in-laws don't understand. My civilian friends don't understand. In fact, even my fellow military wives don't understand. I know you find that hard to believe...somehow, they all seem to have married military men who do not deploy. I'm still trying to figure out how that is possible. So, someone, please tell me...what's the secret to having a broken heart? What's the secret to curing the loneliness? I wish I had kids to keep me company, even if it's not always pleasant company. I'm sorry for throwing this all upon y'all, but I'm feeling a little better. I think I just needed to vent to people who actually understand what I'm going through. Thanks for listening!! I have so much respect for you all and what you're doing. Keep your heads up and keep trucking forward. God bless you all and your spouses!