Departure Day
October 19, 2006|
My dog joined our family in 1994 when we were stationed at Ft. Hood. He's been with us for over twelve years. Today, we were informed that our *child* has four cancerous tumors. It's incredibly difficult. I have no children, only furry ones. My husband hasn't always been with me through the years due to TDY, deployment, etc., but my dog has always been there, and he's provided an enormous amount of comfort and companionship throughout the years.
This episode reminds me of departure day, the day our spouses deploy. I hate that day. We all handle it differently, but I want to be left alone for a while. My close friends and family know this, but it doesn't stop them from calling. Of course, it wouldn't stop me from calling either, they mean well and they want me to know they are there for me. The phone rings constantly on departure day. I don't pick it up. Though I'm generally an optimist and usually upbeat, I need a day or two to mourn the temporary loss of my husband, my best friend.
I wander around the house and the slightest thing can unnerve me. Things like not seeing his clutter strewn about. When my husband is home, I nag about clutter. When my husband leaves, I long for clutter. Clutter means he's nearby.
Laundry is always another sore spot. I try to get the last bit of his laundry done and put away. I'm not sure what it is, but finding a sock in the laundry that doesn't belong to me is upsetting. By putting the laundry away, I'm getting on with my life and am one step closer to building my new routine.
So today, I don't want to *talk* about my dog. Today is exactly like departure day. The phone is ringing off the hook. My dog's grandparents/aunts/uncles/friends are inquiring. How did the appointment go? They mean well, but I can't really talk without breaking down. I know my dog is dying, but I need a day or two to deal with it. Just like departure day, I need some time and space. Time to come to terms with a new reality, a reality that means I am going to have to live without someone I love.
How do you handle departure day?
our t-shirt babe, and one of the fastest friends I have had...
darn it.
I won't call, and I will not ask...
space given
Posted by: Armywifetoddlermom | 10/19/2006 at 18:19
Andi, I am sooo sorry. This is the time you take to let them know what a good friend they have been; you do all you can to be sure that they are as comfortable as they can be. When he passes, he will be a puppy again and pain free and able to run and jump. And remember that they will be waiting at the Rainbow Bridge to greet you again some day. For our dogs, it is all about the love.
Posted by: Some Soldier's Mom | 10/19/2006 at 18:37
Oh Andi - I can so relate to you on this one. Being one who has no children but has ones of the furry variety. My best "furry friend" died after 15 yrs. 3 yrs ago and I still talk about her. She died in my arms at 5am and I so cried. Family and friends called but it was so hard. She was just there for me always with her tail wagging and adoring gaze. In the couple weeks she was sick family asked me why I didn't just put her to sleep and I asked them oh, like you want me to kill her? I wanted to have her in my arms and cradling her til her last breath. My heart goes out to you. Yes, your furry kid isn't a child but she is an integral part of your life and a companion that will be dearly missed.
Posted by: toni | 10/19/2006 at 18:54
We have had to give the final gift 3 times now. and it's painful and it just sucks. She's not a child, but she has a huge part of your heart, and because our friends don't live as long as we do, we have to say goodbye. We had to put ours down, they were in such pain and it was the last gift we could give them. I'm sorry for your loss, truly and achingly sorry.
Departure day... I left my husband's slippers in the bathroom until I had to put them away for an open house... and I didn't put mac's bed or Allie's bed, or Sammi's bed away, until I had to.
LAW
Posted by: LAW | 10/19/2006 at 19:35
I'm so sorry, Andi. My best wish for you & your friend is that your dog reacts to the news of the diagnosis the way our Oscar has. He's 13.5 and we found out over a year ago that he has cancer. He, apparently, didn't hear what the doctor said because he's bounced back to being his old self...I know it's a matter of time, but after thinking the departure was so imminent these past months of him having more good weeks than bad days have been great.
Whatever the actual departure date, know there are pet parents in all 50 states who can really relate to your heavy heart.
Looking forward to giving you a HUGE hug VERY soon.
Posted by: Guard Wife | 10/19/2006 at 20:02
They only ask for a kind word and a soft hand, in return for their complete dedication to you and yours. When The Boss is about to leave, the nite she packs her bags the girls actually climb into her suitcase and produce a low, guttural "love-growl" when she ties to pack around them. They ultimately must acquiesce, which produces the loneliest eyes on the planet when they look at me -- "mom" is about to leave, they know of the impending emptiness, they know they don't like it, because they know not when she'll return.
"To call him a dog hardly seems to do him justice, though inasmuch as he had four legs, a tail, and barked, I admit he was in all outward appearances. But to those who knew him well, ... he was a perfect gentleman." Hermione Gingold (1897-1987)
"Rocket-man" was indeed, a gentleman.
Toad1
Posted by: MaintToad1 | 10/19/2006 at 20:26
Andi, I'm so sorry. Pets insinuate themselves into our lives so quickly and completely, and we get so attached -- that kind of companionship and love is an amazing and wonderful thing. But then there's the inevitable goodbye, and that's plain awful. Thinking about the great life you gave him all these years will help you eventually, but right now it just hurts.
As for handling the human departure day....I took my sweetheart to post, then headed back to Chicago, crying every one of those thousand miles. And you know, it helped being alone and anonymous for that two-day drive. By the time I got home, I was ready to face family and friends and work and life.
Posted by: Bette | 10/19/2006 at 21:39
I am definately thinking about you, and completely understand the need "for a few days."
Posted by: airforcewife | 10/19/2006 at 22:06
Andi, I can only echo what others have said about Rocket. You know my heart goes out to you...
As for me and departure day - I need space as well. When hubby deployed to Iraq I was not able to have my "real space" b/c I had two kids to take care of and I was in grad school full time. Actually, it was at my first day at my practicum (internship) the day I had to take him to his unit to leave (he actually left really freakin early the next morning). It took ALL OF MY STRENGTH not to bust out crying all day (I was working in a girl's shelter and I was really anxious that first day). It was hard, but I managed.
We all need time to grieve every now and then and I totally understand the need for space and acceptance of your situation. We're here for you when you are ready!
Posted by: Joan D'Arc | 10/19/2006 at 23:05
Sooo sorry to hear.. But again, you don't want to talk about it.. Myself, I don't have the luxary of being left alone. I am recently married with a son who belongs to a previous relationship. So half the time I have my always questioning 3 year old son, and half of the time I don't.. Departure day was terrible.. twice now I have done it, and I will do it one more time before he is done with his deployment.. But I have a ritual now. Laundy, laundry was the worst the first time.. I cried every single time I saw it, but yet, I couldn't put it away. What I did before he left the second time. I made him put all of his laundry in the washer and then the dryer before we left to leave him at the airport. He left out only what he would be wearing that day. I combined with that load, only a few of my own clothes, and things that I do not typically wear. When I got home, the clothes stayed in the dryer for a couple of days, until I took them out with wincing eyes, and carried them into our spare bedroom,dropped them off, and closed the door. I still haven't gone back in there, and I won't. I refuse. He can put away his own clothes when he comes home on R&R!! HEHE
Posted by: Recruiter wife | 10/19/2006 at 23:52
I do not do goodbyes of any kind well. In fact, I suck at it. So much so that I tend to avoid it. I prefer to be the one that leaves first. I like to think it gives me some semblance of control in a situation that is completely out of my control.
To many, pets are family and saying goodbye to loved ones is always tough.
You have my prayers friend. And so does your dog.
Posted by: HomefrontSix | 10/20/2006 at 04:22
you have my sympathies... and a few days to collect yourself. our own puppy is almost 13, we know this will be coming for us soon too, although i dread it.
Posted by: dizzylizzie | 10/20/2006 at 06:35
Okay, I'm going to give you your space, but I have to send my love first. I still remember him as that crazy puppy that loved to jump all over Cane. :) Chaz and Cane will be waiting with tails a wagging...
Posted by: RedLegMeg | 10/20/2006 at 11:02
Awww! Andi, I'm so sorry! Been through this too many times myself.
{{{hugs}}}
Posted by: yankeemom | 10/20/2006 at 11:43
Andi:
So sorry. Nothing can make the situation any easier, but your friends are dog people and we understand.
Posted by: Ward | 10/20/2006 at 15:07
Andi,
There is no comfort that we can give you, only sympathy. This year I lost my first two dogs at 17 and 17.5, dogs that I have had for most of my marriage and as much our children as they could be. As when I have lost my earlier pets, cats that wrapped themselves around my heart, I comfort myself with the thought that we will be reunited in heaven. I know they will be waiting for me, because it couldn't be heaven without the ones we love. Maybe when your Rocket gets there he will party with my Finnie and Markie until we join them.
Posted by: Robin in Anchorage | 10/20/2006 at 16:02
*Hugs*
I remember losing my childhood companion (a cat named Mittens...I was seven when I named him, okay?). He was 17 when my mom had to let him go. To this day I am still sad I did not have a chance to really say goodbye.
Calypso and Loki are still very young but who knows? All I know is that their life expectancy is shorter than mine and I cry everytime I think about it. I wish I could keep them forever.
Posted by: Molly Pitcher | 10/20/2006 at 19:54
When Mike moved in with us two plus years ago he wanted to bring his two dogs - one which was a PIT BULL named Patches. Boy, was I so not for that. But she grew on us, and oh how Mike loved his dogs, especially Patches. When Mike was killed in Iraq, his sister Abbey, who had become the eye of Patches' eye, wanted to let Patches come in and stay in her room. It was a comfort she needed to have her brother's favorite dog lay by her bed at night. Nearly seven months after Mike's death, I lay at the opening of a kennel cage at a Veternarian's office soothing Patches as she was dying, crying tears for a dog I didn't want, but had come to love. She looked at me with those eyes of love, eyes that reminded me of Mike. I put one of Mike's dog tags around her neck, for that was the best comfort I could leave her with. It seemed fitting that she died with his tags on her collar the next day. In a strange way, I felt I lost a little more of Mike that day. Departure days are tough, especially when they come too close together. You just get through the best you can.
proud dad SGT Mike Stokely
KIA by IED 8/16/05 near Yusufiyah
and proud to have had the chance
to come to love his dog, Patches
Posted by: Robert Stokely | 10/21/2006 at 21:54
I feel your pain, Andi. Departure day is the worst. I don't finish my hubby's laundry, and I dont put his things away. I've had a can of shaving cream in my shower for 10 months, right where he left it, because one day he WILL be using it again. It is reassuring to me that I see his belongings everyday because I dont ever want to become too accustomed to him not being here. So I wait for the day I'll trip over his boots half-hidden under the bed, and his socks hanging from the doorknob because his aim is bad. ;) One day at a time.
Posted by: Heather | 10/24/2006 at 10:50
You do all the laundry..? Wow, I wear his clothes all the time so that it feels like he's wrapped around me.
Posted by: Heather | 10/25/2006 at 14:15
Departure? I don't have a routine, we've only had one, but his shoes are still by the door.
Lots of *hugs* sending your way. I recently lost my Pumpkin, only 7 years after she first had cancer (she didn't know how to read the pathology report). Take all the time you need.
Posted by: TripleE | 12/12/2007 at 13:13