"Worlds Apart"

When service members come home from combat sometimes they feel "Worlds Apart."

No matter your service affiliation or duty status, the below will hit home (and hopefully be of help) for many.

My Children Have Lost Their Minds

We are remarkably close to my husband's return home for R&R, or mid-tour leave, or whatever it is called nowadays.  We're all obviously a little excited, but I am overwhelmed by the level of wackiness coming out of my children.  Really, I don't know how we'll get through two weeks of Dad without some sort of colossal collision of kid craziness X4 and one Dad who hasn't been around kids in a long time.  Of course, it is possible that the conflict will actually be between the kids and me, since I have visions of a pleasant two week visit that is free of any friction and foolishness.

One part of me wants to believe that this is normal and expected, and the other part of me thinks that they should STOP RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  Even though we're all different, and I can see that my kids are each responding in their own ways, I'd still love to hear your experiences, thoughts and tips.  Anything to help me remember that it's all going to turn out OK - please share!

The Hostility in this Household Must Stop!

I love having my husband home and not deployed. I really, really do. But, I've found things around the house are always a little different when he's home. Specifically, there are several items in the house which seem to prefer that my husband be far, far away from home. They like me. They do not like him. When he returns, they suddenly disappear. I'm not sure what he's done to them, exactly, which causes them to perform their vanishing act. 

But they do. And it's getting to be problematic.

"That Lovely Army Jerk-You-Around Stage"

Entirely coincidentally, many of us SpouseBUZZ authors all seem to be right at the beginning of deployments at the moment.  To my knowledge, no one is at the end of a deployment right now.  But Sis B is, and she's been liveblogging her feelings on pre-reintegration.  Today's hilarious quote:

We're at that lovely Army jerk-you-around stage when they will either be home tomorrow or maybe in three weeks or possibly by your birthday but not before Independence Day but it could always be by Father's Day but don't make any plans until after Labor Day but wait until Christmas if you want to be really safe. No, really, they're serious this time, ya'll!

Heh.  Go follow Sis B and the kids as they wait for Daddy to come home this month.  Or next month.  Or by Christmas.  You know, whatever.

What I meant to say about reintegration...

At last weekend's Live event in Norfolk, our panel addressed reintegration.  Actually I think it was addressed by everyone but myself.  And yet this is something I've dealt with before.  As per my usual, it took me a couple minutes to come up with what I wanted to say.  I just never got a chance to say it because we were off to other topics and lots of great input from everyone that came.

So I figured I would share here. 

A Little Disoriented

My husband, who is deployed right now, had to come to Washington, DC, for a meeting.  And since we live near DC, this meant that he was coming home unexpectedly.  As you can imagine, I was delighted.  Okay, delighted with reservations.  He's only been gone two months, so I have made close to zero progress on my whole "get skinny-clean and decorate the house-save a bjillion dollars-transform the children into model citizens" plan.  But those aren't really the important things, so I was truly delighted when he climbed into the car at the airport.

The first night, (when I'm sleeping on my own side of the bed instead of his side, where I sleep while he's gone,) I wake up in the middle of the night and realize that there is someone in my bed and it isn't a child.  I clearly wasn't entirely awake because I'm perplexed.  I'm pretty sure that I know who this person is, like his name and his personality, but I'm not exactly sure how he's related to me or why he is in my bed.  In my delirium, I figured I'd better go sleep on the sofa.  As I'm fumbling around for my glasses, it occurs to me: maybe I'm married to him.  Since this sounds vague familiar, and I'm really tired, and the sofa is at least twenty five feet away, I just put my head back down on the pillow.

Fortunately, my confusion was gone when I woke up properly the next morning.  However, it made clear to me how hard it must be for my husband's brain to keep track of the upheaval of his life.  And it was funny, in retrospect.  Plus, I remembered who he was for the whole rest of the visit. Yeah!

New Family Retreats from NMFA

You may have heard about the National Military Family Association (NMFA) Operation Purple Camps.  This year, they are trying a new program:  Operation Purple Family Retreats.  From the website: 

It is difficult on the entire family when a loved one is deployed, but the time after that father, mother, husband, or wife returns  home is often the most challenging of all. Recognizing this, the National Military Family Association is piloting two Operation Purple® Family Retreats. These free, four-day retreats are set in a National Park using nature’s classroom, where families will have opportunities to strengthen and renew relationships, explore their natural surroundings, and participate in fun family-focused activities.

The camps are designed for families who have had a service member return from deployment within the last twelve months.  The camps are being held in March in two locations, California and Washington state, and they are free!  If you live near either of the locations, and you have a recently returned family member, you might want to check it out.  It sounds like a great way to have some affordable family time.

Reintegrating

My husband returned from Iraq a week ago.  The first few days were not so easy.  I wrote:

When your spouse is gone, it is easy to romanticize everything. We're the greatest couple that ever existed and we never fight and life is always flowers and sausages. And then he comes home, and you realize you had forgotten the little things that have bugged you for seven years of marriage.

I was referring to my husband's bad habit of falling asleep in the middle of our conversations.  And yes, I was frustrated at his seeming lack of interest in talking to me, but it was more than that.  As soon as he walked in the door from deployment, we had a big decision right on our shoulders: what to do with his block leave.

The Milspouse Lens

As the end of 2008 draws ever closer, I realized that being a military spouse has created yet another noticeable difference in the way I operate.  I bet it has for you too.

Cashing In My Chips

AWTM has the distinction around here, like it or not, of being our resident go-to person on reintegration.  And I personally always felt fine letting her have that title, because I didn't really grok her experience.  I always assumed that her discomfort with reintegration came from the fact that she had babies while her husband was gone, so they went from being just a couple to being a family.  Or I thought it was because her husband came back changed.  Or that they were having a hard time getting back in sync as a family when he got home.  Since I had not experienced any of those things, I never fully understood AWTM's trepidation about reintegration.

But I wrote here before that deployments are like snowflakes.  I was talking about my soldier in that case, but I am starting to see that deployments can feel very different from the homefront too.

They come home, and sometimes it feels different.

When I ask my fellow wives "how are things going?", when their loved one returns from battle.  I am not trying to uncover any gossip or dirt. 

I seriously  want to know. 

When my DH came home, he seemed quieter, more contemplative, didn't seem to require much sleep, and well it took a while for us to learn our new dance. 

I Know You Know

So that's why I'm asking.

If you have a fool-proof method of turning cluttered chaos into uncluttered utopia, I'm all ears.  If you're looking for help, let's hope others share!

When Goodbye Feels More Like Good Riddance

During our weekend in Virginia, Andi posted some of our "greatest hits" and one of my old posts prompted a new comment that posed a good question.

Armybrat AF Wife asks if any SB readers' spouses have "crazy coping mechanisms" to make it through a goodbye.  Now, she has me curious too.

More Help For Military Brats

Battlemind Website Features Children's Videos

Battlemind has added children’s resources to its homepage. “Mr. Poe and Friends: Discuss Family Reunion After Deployment” and “Military Youth Coping with Separation: When Family Members Deploy” have been added to the “video resources” section of the website.

The website can be accessed here.

When things don't go according to plan

I know it isn't smart to imagine(plan on) smooth sailing and perfection when anticipating reintegration.  But even when things seemed on the right track, what happens when things go downward rather quickly?

Where there was once good nature and even temper, what do you do when faced with threats and ultimatums?  Absolutely not threats of physical violence, let that be clearly stated.   But how do you respond when the patience and understanding you remember has been replaced by a much shorter and volatile fuse you don't know how to respond to?

In advance of the upcoming appointments, I was hoping for some comments about anyone else who might find themselves having faced similar issues.  Or might just have something to make the whole thing gain a helpful perspective.

Perspective

My husband has been home for just over a month from an IA deployment.  As a relatively new navy wife, we pcs-ed to shore duty before I experienced an underway deployment.  So an IA deployment to Iraq was going to be my initiation.  Ack!  And while his original orders were to sit on a FOB behind a computer screen, somewhere along the way that turned into conducting raids and rounding up bad guys in some of the worst sections of Baghdad.  Just a tad different from anything I had pictured in my mind's eye when I thought of what marrying a sailor would entail. 

But last night we finally got around to watching two items on our list of things to watch, both Iraq related. 

Gunner Palace & Bad Voodoo's War

I figured the day after would be a perfect time to sit down and write my first post (and thankfully our sleeping son must agree).

The Post I Ignored for Sixteen Months

This is one of those posts that I've put off writing for many, many months. It's a post which will garner a lot of discussion through comments and email, or very little. It's also one of those posts which may cause me to get into trouble with my husband. But hey, I'll take one for the team here.

It's a post about....

Honey, I'm Home.... Honey, I'm Leaving....

This morning, I read an interesting article in the Los Angeles Times about reintegration.

It's an emotional and psychological adjustment for the family when a Marine or sailor deploys, and another emotional and psychological adjustment when he or she returns. Sometimes, in the up-tempo deployment schedule, it seems there's barely time to get adjusted to one phase when another one begins.

And while it may seem counterintuitive to civilians, many military spouses say the homecoming phase can be the most difficult of all. With that in mind, the military provides "return and reunion" briefings to both the stay-behind and deployed spouses.

Reintegration is a subject we've discussed at length here at SpouseBUZZ. It's one of the most inquired about topics among our readers and SpouseBUZZ LIVE attendees.

Thursday Night SpouseBuzz Radio!

Tonight, Dr. Roca from the Veterans Administration will join Guard Wife and I for a discussion re: reintegration for SpouseBuzz Talk Radio. 

I am guessing most of us have been there and done that, now that 9-11 happened 6 years ago. 

However, the best thing about being surrounded by your peers, is finding out YOU ARE NOT ALONE.    The last time, I had scheduled Dr. Roca, I made a time error, so sadly he could not join us.  The good news, it gave Guard Wife and I some time to talk about our familes own growing pains during deployment.  And all of the feelings that come up right before a reunion.  You can listen to that show in the SpouseBuzz Talk Radio archives HERE. 

My routine has been compromised...

...by my husband!!!

My husband was gone for the summer and I took on all of the responsibilities around the house - including yard work.  My husband gave me "permission" to hire someone else to do the yard, but now that I have a "new appreciation" for yard work, I was determined to do it myself.  So I did.  HA!  Then he came home and messed up my routine... the NERVE!

Quiet Panic

We have discussed various realms of deployment and reintegration in the past.  I have an experience to share with you that seemingly came out of nowhere and dates back to a previous deployment.

Unfinished business as usual...

My DH is on his way home after being away at a 6 month training. 

And oddly enough, I am not running around like a chicken with its head cut of.  Because the old me, well she would have been doing just that. 

Ironing duvets, scrubbing out junk drawers, and other odd displays of regaining a sense of control I suppose. 

Nope no this time. 

Countdown...

My question for this post is, "How do you count down the time while your spouse/significant other is away?"

My life has been a series of semesters for the past 4 years.  I have been in grad school since August of 2003.  I have found that my "time gauge" for DH's return from wherever is based on semesters (or mid-terms, finals, etc.).

Homecoming

Homecoming = Your service member will soon be coming home from a deployment.  Reunion time is a wonderfully exciting time for military families.  And possibly a bit stressful.

This posting will include various resources available to help spouses, children, girlfriends, boyfriends and parents of service members.  Some of the same available resources can be used in preparing for R&R time as well.  I hope that you will find the information helpful during your journey.

Shaving and other sure signs the spouse is coming soon!

I like to ease into my homecoming preparations.....today I shaved.  It's a sure sign my husband is coming home soon.

You Might Be a Military Spouse When...

Even your three year old can use the acronym "PTSD" in a sentence correctly.

Incoming ... and on target

Having just wrestled sure success from failure on a topic near and dear to most men, (well, maybe not sure success, but ...) I thought I'd share one of my "guy" flubs with those of you who, well, know better (from birth).  So as I logged on to SpouseBUZZ as one of the authors, I did what we all do as we log on.  We quickly review recent posts, laugh out loud and at times become quite proud of one of our fellow authors who has seized on a thought and made it make sense.  And sometimes, it sidetracks you from the topic you were going to address, to something radically different -- as is the case now.

For those of you out there in the Blogosphere, a quick reminder that most of the 12-13 of the authors on SB have met only briefly either in person or in a sidebar on the net.  In that time, a fellowship and camaraderie was established about "who we are" on the outside as well as "what we are about" on the inside.  We're a disparate group for sure, but we all came to the meeting table w/ the walls down and the "doors open" as we had to get inside each others head to make this thing work. 

Below this post, is Molly's "Incoming" work of art.

Incoming

I've spent four months not writing this post.

Thinking about writing this post, planning to write this post, feeling guilty for not writing this post, but not actually writing it.

Four months ago, my husband came home and I just didn't know what to tell all of you, yet.  All of my prayers had been answered, so why wasn't I happier?

Memory Keeping In Minutes

It's no secret to anyone here that during a deployment, your list of "have to" jobs each day far exceeds what you can do such that the "should do" and "want to" items could carry over until your spouse actually returns home. 

Even though deployment can feel like it's dragging its feet, I sometimes felt overwhelmed by all the moments passing me by and how I could capture those for my deployed spouse.  What could I do to make preserving those moments easier on me?

Perhaps keeping memories isn't as time-consuming as you think and it may open the doors to communication we so desperately desire...

For the Want of a Sock

When hubby came home from Basic Training he followed the advice of one of the people in his training barracks, "Tie a sock around your duffel's handle so that you know which one is yours at the airport."

Hubby thought that was brilliant advice, and used one of his sport socks.  Upon pick-up at the airport, he gleefully reported his new "trick" and waited impatiently to demonstrate how much easier such an action made finding your luggage at the carousel...  until he saw that each and every duffel coming down the belt was sporting a regulation white sport sock on the handle.

When Life Imitates The Price is Right

This time I didn't fall down.  I didn't have toilet paper trailing my shoe (or my underwear).  I didn't have my skirt stuck in the back of my pantyhose, there was no stealth booger hanging out of my nose, and I didn't even forget to brush my teeth.

And the best news of all...  Now my hubby is HOME!

From the Keyboard of a Soldier

A few days ago, I published a post that dealt with reintegration. You can read that post by clicking here. Today, I'm posting an email written from the perspective of a soldier who hopes that his words will shed some light on what reintegration is like for the returning service member.

On Being a Midget

Yep, that's right.  I'm now officially a single-digit-midget.    And you know what?

It's not all it's made out to be.

Reintegration: It Ain't Easy....

Usually when I receive email about military life, it comes from a milspouse. That changed a couple of days ago when I received an email from a deployed soldier who explained why he reads SpouseBUZZ.

Even though I am the deployed soldier and not the spouse, I like to check in to get a glimpse of life back at home.  Just about any one of the articles could have been written by my wife, there is a lot to relate to.

It's an interesting twist, and nice to see that this soldier is curious about "the other side." You never know who may be reading....

This soldier wanted to discuss reintegration.

A Homecoming Plan Gone Awry

Is there such a thing as a "bad" homecoming? Probably not, but sometimes they just don't go according to plan.

My husband returned from a tour of duty in Afghanistan this summer. He didn't deploy with a Brigade, he deployed as the sole representative from his office. This meant that on homecoming day, there would be no watching him dismount from a bus along with hundreds of other soldiers, there would be no gymnasium pomp and circumstance, there would be no mass of red/white/blue and there would be no waiting with other military spouses who were giddy with excitement and anticipation. This homecoming would be a bit less traditional than others. But, it would be a homecoming, and in the end, that's what really matters.

I don't think I slept more than an hour the night before. I was ready hours before I was scheduled to make the hour and a half drive to the airport. I changed clothes at least five times. Sexy or subtle, casual or more formal, tousled or fixed? I'm generally pretty low-maintenance with respect to wardrobe, but trying to figure out what would best make my husband go, "aahhhh" when he first looked at me had me doubting my choices -- my multiple choices -- that day.   

Panel III -- SpouseBUZZ Live!

[Sarah liveblogging here]  This post keeps growing, so check back and make sure you get all the info!

Andi introduces panel.  This will be a difficult panel.  We are all aware about combat stress, wounded soldiers.  Perhaps you can remember this panel if you ever find yourself in this situation.

Andi's dog didn't recognize her husband when he came home.  And the look on her husband's face broke her heart.  Life changes when they get home, in ways we can't predict.

Joan D'Arc uses this handle because her husband is Armor.  Her husband was wounded in Iraq.  We all have a story, things that have brought us to where we are, things that have brought us here.  Had her husband not been wounded, she wouldn't be sitting here.  She started blogging on her husband's blog when he was wounded to let his readers know what was going on, and it opened a whole world to her and gave her a new blog family.  People often say that their life is not as hard as her life with a wounded soldier.  But she thinks that you can't compare your life to hers and say that she trumps everything.  She's been to Walter Reed and met phenomenal people and families, and she knows people who have been wounded worse than her husband.  You can't compare it.  We all go through things, even just "funks".  You deal with your own life.  So while she will talk about her husband's story, everyone here at SpouseBUZZ has his/her own story to tell.  We are not alone.

A guest in audience:  Her husband was injured by an IED but stayed in Iraq.  She's pregnant and he's deployed again now, and her family's home was destroyed in Hurricane Katrina.  And after her as injured, they were able to have a talk about what would happen if something more serious happened to him on this deployment, but they just take it one day at a time.

GBear:  It's not well known in the general public what we go through.  She's an Air Force wife and military brat, but she didn't really have a clue.  Her son was diagnosed with a rare cancer at age three and is the only survivor of this type of cancer.  All of our stories are so valuable to share because we give others hope and education and courage to go on.  Her son has to have leg surgeries often, so she had to learn to sew him special clothing for her son while he had his leg brace on.  At Walter Reed, her son met the wounded servicemembers and said that his mom needed to sew for them.  GBear can't sew very well!  But after she saw the look on the first recipient's face, she was hooked.  They've made 15,000 items since then.  She gets to see how much America loves and supports the military community because everything in Sew Much Comfort is on a volunteer and donation basis.

Martin Bonner, Family Advocacy:  Was a tanker for 12 years and was in Desert Shield/Desert Storm.  His wife stayed in Germany, and they didn't have email or phones.  They were fortunate that no one in the unit was injured.  But working here for the past 8 years at Hood, they've developed reintegration services and casualty assistance.  He's not an expert in any field, but he can give information in classes they provide at Family Advocacy for anyone who needs it.  Fort Hood is really set up to help families.  There is one phone number you can call so they can direct you to the right office to help you with your needs, so you don't have to trek back and forth across post!  And it's so important for you to register your children with Child and Youth Services (CYS).

On with the panel...

Welcome!!

Good Morning!!

We are currently live at the Plaza Hotel at Kileen, Texas.

We are excited to meet you.  We are also excited to hear from those of you who could not make it here today. 

If you have a question you would like answered, please ask in the comments section.  We will certainly try to answer them today. 

We will be having several SpouseBuzz contributors blogging live from the event today.

So join us for the lively discussions, that are sure to happen today, the guests are arriving, balloons are being filled, goodie bags are being handed out, and I hear laughing...

You Mean *I* Have a Problem?

When Hubs deployed and I flew solo in managing the house, our kids, my job, the dogs, etc., it took me a couple weeks to find my groove.  Not to say there were not skips in my record along the way or that I was in any way 100% perfect-o.  But, the girls and I developed a rhythm to which we danced (and occasionally twisted ourselves into pretzels) each day. 

The prize at the end of the dance marathon?  DADDY WOULD BE HOME.

What happens, though, when Daddy comes home and NONE of the 'what to expect during the homecoming phase' addresses what happened to YOU?

Hazards of Re-entry

I've posted before about the issues involved in a spouse returning from a long TDY or deployment.  We all know the issues are there and many of the authors have given food for thought about the various challenges we face.  Until recently, I never realized how dangerous the health issues could be in re-entry!

You see, Papa Bear is a very handy man!  He always has projects going on to improve the house.  And he's really, really good at this stuff!  Unfortunately, I have gotten out of the habit of side-stepping the strewnage from these projects!  It has caused me some problems!.....

You had me at "Hello"

We've talked about how hard it is to say goodbye and we all know how hard it is when they're gone.  But what about how hard it is to say 'hello' again after a long TDY/Deployment?

When the spouse is gone for a long time everything changes and shifts in the house: who walks the dogs, who disciplines the children, deciding what groceries to buy (I've continued to insist on my Flush Brush and Scrubbing Bubbles shower 'maid' !), who goes to doctor appt, bedtime routines, what time dinner is served.  Life seems to take on a new 'flow' when the spouse is gone.

Papa Bear was gone for seven months this year on a very long TDY.  He was only in Boston so I got to talk to him almost every night and he came back for a weekend a month.  Truly, it really wasn't THAT tough.  But we did have three surgeries here at home during that time, the joys of being an EFMP family ! So, there were some challenges!  When he came back we were all thrilled!  Having him home was so indescribably wonderful! The thought of not having to carry the entire responsibility alone was such a relief!  Having a warm body, rather than a heating pad, to snuggle with was, needless to say, monumental !  It was also a complete rearrangement of our new family routine.

Readjusting when the spouse comes home is incredibly difficult.  And it's the small things you don't expect.  For example, I was used to putting the kids to bed at night from my bed.  We'd snuggle up about 7:30 and read a chapter in a book, say prayers, hugs and kisses all around - then off to bed they'd go.  I'd already locked up for the night and never saw a reason to go back downstairs.  I'd settle down with a good book, work I needed to finish or a good movie and be perfectly content for the night!  AHHHHH, life is good!  First night Papa Bear was back, I kept to my routine until I hear this low, masculine voice from the foyer, "Aren't you coming back down?"  Wow, wake up call.  Routine had to change.  It's not a major issue and I can happily haul myself out of bedtime status and go down to the living room and snuggle (which in the end is so much better, isn't  it?), but it's an adjustment.  Having to think about another person in the house and their needs, wants and desires.  Having to grocery shop for more than Mac and Cheese, pizza and corn dogs!  Having to remember that discipline is no longer a one person thing.  Having to remember to ask what the plans are for the weekend rather than assume you have it all figured out. 

And it's not just me, it's the kids too!  It's really hard for them to readjust to having two parents again - as if one wasn't more than enough!  They have to remember to defer to both mom and dad's commands, readjust their tummy clocks to dinner when Papa gets home from work and remember to come back downstairs to say goodnight to Papa!  Two parents checking on schoolwork, chores, Boy Scout progress.  In many ways, they love it!  In many ways, it's hard on them as well.

I have friends who are Navy and Army spouses - ha, sounds like the old "some of my best friends are Navy and Army wives".  It's true, but always sounds suspect! - anyway, their spouses routinely are gone for 6 months a year or more.  Hats off to you all!  This is not something we in the Air Force RDT&E community often deal with - although today it's happening more frequently.  It's a tough time and I give you all the credit in the world.

I've since found some great information at the military.com site that I think is truly beneficial: http://www.military.com/spouse/fs/0,,fs_deploy_rr,00.html. 

There is a lot of information on the web for military spouses facing the issues of 're-entry'.  Perhaps some of you have found other information, books or sites that you found helpful.  Please share!  This is the best thing we can do for each other....share the information that has been helpful and our stories of life as a military spouse.  If you know of anything that could help other spouses who are facing this issue.....this is the place to share that information.  And, for those of you who are dealing with this right now or will be soon, check out the information and let us know what you think was helpful!