Support, Fault, Blame, and the Front of the Commisary Line

When the military lifestyle turns into a soap opera (not one that runs on the Lifetime Network), it does so in A VERY BIG WAY.

There has been no avoiding this story, really, since it's all over the place and we all have strong feelings about this sort of activity.  Or rather, bullying.  Actually, I'm not sure that even the word bullying applies here - but I think that for those of us on the outside of the story, eyebrows raised in horror and a bit of resigned shock.  And embarrassment.

I think I've been "Sis-Bro'd"

This week while participating in a symposium for women moving into executive positions, I had the great opportunity to introduce them to our family of Military Spouses, using SpouseBUZZ.  What a great time and a marvelous experience.  For you new to these pages, Welcome!

Along the way we were immersed this week in ideas and concepts that gave all of us better tools to put in our toolkit.  We addressed the spectrum of feelings and emotion, from the joys of learning myriad ways to support people, to the feeling the pain of loss of a loved one and as importantly, what you do ...next.

At the conclusion of the week, they were granted access to a self-described Sisterhood, but within a tick-tock realized that obviously, I couldn't be a full dues paying member of this team ... obviously.  So they made me an honorary Sister, and renamed themselves and welcomed me to "Sis-Bro"  ... you may snicker, but when you've eaten nothing other than 6.3 pounds of peanut M&M's over the course of a week, you get that way ...

I welcome them to our pages and if we can coax them into it, we should be seeing some new names in our neck of the blogosphere.  To you all, thank you for the education you gave me this week and thank you for reaffirming the needs and the responsibilities of the mil-spouse.  We are one.  You will all be welcomed here at SpouseBUZZ, as you will see it really is where Military Spouses Connect.  Over&Out, MaintenanceToadOne

I know ... I promised not to ...

... but I just have to toss out another rhetorical situation ... (really!  It IS rhetorical!  I HAVE deleted the names and places and ... you know, all of that other "Dragnet" stuff. Wait.  Now I have to look it up.  Can yall read the next post while I do this please?)

In these pages, I've asked often about the relevancy of Spouses' Clubs.  No, not FRGs, or AFRCs, or any of the spouse "clubs" organized by the Services and set up to disseminate information or be a point around which focus can be placed on the greater good or mission of an organization.  Nay nay ... what I'm asking about are those now famous and sometimes infamous OWCs/OSCs and EWCs/ESCs.  Now before the beatings begin -- caveat -- FIRST AND UP FRONT, many of these Clubs are great!  Yours may be one!  Great!  Count your blessings, participate, and learn what you can and take it with you as a treasured gift to your next installation -- puh-lese!

All of these Clubs are chartered and granted permission to be constituted on, and conduct their affairs on the post or base.  The Garrison Commander or similar (Wing Commander) after JAG review of the constitution, agrees for this Club to be on base as long as they adhere to all of the tenets of DOD policy.  Basically, within the legal tenets of the charter, the constitution will address and make provisions for everyone who "can play" should be "allowed to play."  Oh ... Really?

Something just struck me as odd though, for those major installations that support a student population.  Shouldn't the spouses of students be allowed unfettered access to and participation at al levels in these clubs?  Ready to take a ride ... then let's continue reading ...

Are you listening? Those Key Spouses are getting tired ...

Greetings -- SpouseBUZZ LIVE is cranking and running and we have a wonderful mix of all 5 Services represented today!  And as the conversations developed during breaks and as well during the open discussion of the panel, it became apparent that something I've seen before may be more prevalent than I'd thought.  Here tis ...

Commanders -- First Sergeants ... what's up with your support of YOUR Key Spouse programs?  Some seem to be working wonderfully, but more often than not, it seems that your Key Spouse may be getting what little time you have left at the end of the week or even the end of the month ... so ... are you giving it the time it deserves, this Key Spouse program?

 

We Interrupt This Broadcast...

Remember when THAT message used to interrupt your favorite programs and make you roll your eyes?  I feel like I had one of those moments this weekend at my husband's deployment briefing.  I purposely had not "tuned in" to the fact that today marks the start of his last full week at home for at least a year.  Before Saturday, I was blissfully ignoring how entirely tiny the month of February actually is and how March was ready to roar in like a lion.

Then, the briefing and suddenly, it was like I was jolted from my happy land of denial over and over.

Is it a Generational Gap?

An interesting conversation took place at SpouseBUZZ LIVE San Antonio. A family support leader stood up and asked, and I'm parphrasing, "What can we do to get more participation from spouses for our meetings and events?" Other people agreed that this is a common problem at their post/base and expressed their frustration.

I've never been fully satisfied with some of our FRG/FSG discussions here. Some of them have been excellent, but we tend to hear some things over and over; volunteer burnout, adversion to clicks, personality clashes, people don't want everyone in their business, we don't need the hand-holding, and on and on. Not only that, some FRG/FSGs are efficient and function as they were meant to, and some (from what you have told us) do not, so it's hard to discuss such a broad topic because there's no one-size-fits-all.

Is it Broken? If So, What's the Fix?

I knew something was up yesterday as soon as I turned on my phone and opened my inbox. And it was. A big article in USA Today about the stresses being placed on military families.

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — During the worst of Bravo Troop's 15-month tour in Iraq, when soldiers were dying in bunches, families here poured out their fear, frustrations and even hysteria onto one young woman: Bana Miller.

She's not Army. She's not trained. Her only qualification, then at age 24, was being an officer's wife who volunteered to run Bravo Troop's Family Readiness Group —a job of e-mailing and organizing potluck dinners in peacetime.

But when Bravo went to war, she became a social worker, grief counselor and a 24-hour hotline overnight. At various times, wives threatened to commit themselves to a mental institution or go to the media if Miller did not help bring their husbands home.

"I was in this alternative universe thinking: 'What has my life become?' " says Miller, who grew up in the Main Line suburbs of Philadelphia and married the boy she met in seventh grade.

As the Iraq war nears a sixth year, the Army has more than 3,000 volunteers such as Bana Miller, and many are buckling under the pressure of duties that they never expected would be so hard or last so long. The Army and Marine Corps lean on these family support volunteers to be the first stop for families struggling to deal with war, separation and loss.

Click here to read the full story.

Some interesting things happened yesterday. A Veteran's Service Organization and at least one lawmaker are quite interested in hearing the opinions of military families. What, realistically, can and should be done to better support military families? We're asking for your help, and for your honest, no-holes-barred opinions. 

So, what say you?

While at SpouseBUZZ LIVE III, I was able to sustain a broadband connection long enough to push a post out to you on the Relevancy of Spouses Clubs.  Now I confused some by being a bit too … “oblique” … was one input I received.  So, let’s cut to the chase.  We’re talking Enlisted and Officers Spouses’ Clubs.  Not FRGs, not A&FRCs, not a semblance of a spouses group within your mil spouses immediate unit.  We’re talking Installation-Wide Spouses Clubs.

Membership at most places regardless of your Military Service, is quite frankly on the rocks.  I suppose of course it wouldn’t be considered on the rocks if you believe the definition of “good” is having 5% of eligible’s as active participants. As you can read in some of the responses to this previous post, there are many factors.  What you can also read, is what can be construed arguably as a desire for more participation and involvement. 

SpouseBuzz Live 3...Remains of the Day

I can't believe almost a week has passed since SpouseBuzz LIVE took place in Fayetteville.  It's also hard to believe how many times a man can say, "Let's just do it and then we can talk" in one week's time.

If you don't know what that's in reference to, you either weren't paying attention in Fayetteville or you haven't watched the archived event at SyncLive.

Even with final exams looming, my brain has processed SBL3 and plenty of good things happened.

Relevancy?

Some of you out there remember when a representative of the Post or Unit Wives Clubs met you at the door of the TLF or maybe even at the billeting office when you arrived.  You were swept under the wing of someone who was there to help you muscle-over the obstacles of being at a new installation and getting your feet on the ground.  Over time, many of us old folk spouses were joyous as we watched the Mil Services institutionalize many of the Wives Clubs run, family support functions.  If for no other reason, to lend a link to common programs at all of the posts and bases.  We even assisted in ensuring that somehow, the “need” was properly defined and the programs were funded.  dMany programs of the FRG/A&FRC became high points and “best of breed” even when compared to similar programs off-post. And trust me, the FRG/A&FRC’s and their programs are (or can be) GREAT organizations, esp. w/ their Key Spouse/Volunteer pyramids, Hearts-Apart, and the way they strive to support those back home while keeping in contact with their loved ones while deployed.

Success!  Now, when we PCS from post to post, we all have an idea of what to expect and where to expect it to come from.  We knew that “Newbies” were kinda-sorta the responsibility of the unit, and its Key Spouse.  And our Wife/Spouse organizations began to look more social, and less service, oriented.  (Deep breath here)  We started focusing on “those that are here” and less on “seeking those that need us.”  Which led in my mind, to the proverbial “self licking ice cream cone.”  Our  spouse clubs began to exist for the members entertainment, because frankly, the “unit” was in large part responsible for taking care of spouses needs as it dealt with “the military” and besides, wouldn’t “they” ask if they needed something?  They have FRGs and Key Spouses, right?

They'll make a difference

Recently, it was my very good fortune to be able to represent SpouseBUZZ at a forum of senior officer and senior enlisted spouses from one of the Air Force’s major commands.  I along with GBear, had the chance to listen to many a topic focused on “what can be done to continually better the care and support that we provide to our corps of spouses.”  (Okay, it wasn’t stated EXACTLY like that or in so many words, but that’s what they meant I believe.)

It was great to listen to some of the hard hitting discussions, from privatized housing, to TRICARE, to one of the finest charitable organizations in today’s world, Sew Much Comfort, to my favorite topic of the entire conference … “What’s SpouseBUZZ?”

The Army Integrated Family Support Network

Big changes are in store for Army families, active and reserve components. News you can use:

The Army Integrated Family Support Network, a new program to provide assistance to Soldiers and their Families in geographically dispersed areas was announced today by Secretary of the Army Pete Geren and Army Chief of Staff Gen. George Casey.

"In this era of persistent conflict, we can expect continuing deployments and to sustain this effort, we have to eliminate the old way of supporting Families, and replace it with a system to support all Army Families with means that respond to a globally networked society communicating in mobile ways," Sec. Geren said.

What is your Chain of Command/FRG telling you about AIFSN?

Blog It, Don't Hog It

Some of my closest friends have become my closest friends as a result of a decision that I made almost three years ago. I decided to become a blogger. That decision changed my life. Literally. In ways that are too numerous to list.

Something needs to change

I'm running into some difficulty in getting our FRG to accept the unconditional donation of money that I raised (please note I am NOT an FRG volunteer...not even a Key Caller) from a direct sales food party I hosted. Part of it, I think, is a misunderstanding of the regulations and part of it is that the regulations themselves are entirely too strict.

Support the Homefront

The outpouring of love from our countrymen to our troops never ceases to amaze me.  The charitable organizations and the dedicated individuals who send letters and boxes and supplies, well, there are no words to describe how wonderful their commitment is.  I am so happy that our troops are well supported, for they deserve all the attention they can get.

I have, however, made it my one-woman mission to support the homefront.

How much involvement is too much?

We've all heard our mom's tell us that just because one aspirin was good, two or three won't necessarily be better.  But what about our involvement as spouses, some involvement is good and expected, but can we be involved too much?  Especially in what could liberally be called, the affairs of state?  As evidenced here at SpouseBUZZ, there are innumerable examples and instances of the power of independent thought being followed by group action.  Some call that democracy at its best.

Okay -- back to the question. Is there ever, and what would be the mile marker to identify where we as spouses shouldn't tread when it comes to the operations of a military organization?  (Deep breath here.)

What if you heard that changes were coming to your local military medical treatment facility (MTF) that could directly impact you and your children's previous "norm" on expected care?

What is Your Primary Source for Emotional Support?

I just read this article about how milspouses depend on their FRGs for support. We've discussed FRGs at length here at SpouseBUZZ. I think it's pretty clear that all FRGs are different. Some are highly effective, some are disorganized and not particularly helpful.

Heads Up - A Military Spouse Scam

I just received a notice in my email from our family support center about a scam that is targeting military families. 

The email, as I received it, is posted after the jump.  Please take the time to inform yourself of the situation - that's your protection. 

Why Can't We All Just Get Along

...or rather, HOW can we all get along better?

This is a subject that has been a source of great controversy on some message boards and amongst some of my friends, so I am going to try to tread carefully.

We're in this together, so why does it seem that there is often tension between the spouses of soldiers of different ranks.  More importantly, what can we do to encourage understanding and camaraderie?

Found: FRG

Back in January I wrote a post titled Wanted: FRG .  I had several complaints about my "non-existent" Family Readiness Group, but the largest of those was the lack of communication from the FRG Leader.

Well, after writing it, re-reading it, and reading all the comments, I decided it really was time to be pro-active; to stop barking behind closed doors.  I picked up the telephone and called her (the FRG Leader) again, with nothing but positive results.  It is possibly the best thing I'd done for myself all month long.

The premise of my call was to ask her if I'd been added to her mass email list.  We had emailed one another a couple of times, but they were all one-on-one emails.  Sure enough, she had forgotten to add me to that list.  A mistake that was easy to make and just as easily remedied.  She promptly emailed me the most recent newsletter from the commander and an informational flyer.  There had been communication; I was just missing out on it.  Okay, one issue resolved.

Wanted: FRG

We PCS'd to our current duty station back in October and, at the time, I had high hopes of being part of an active FRG (Family Readiness Group).  With JD's unit deploying I just knew that they'd have all of their i's dotted, t's crossed, and be "squared away".  I really believed that I'd arrive, JD would pass on our info, someone would call, and off I'd go.  I would attend meetings/functions, volunteer when needed, and meet other spouses in JD's unit. 

That was, in reality, a fantasy.  Nothing more.  JD signed into his unit on Oct. 20th and would be here for almost two full months before deploying.  His unit deployed in the last days of October, but he was in contact with Rear Detachment on a daily basis.  He gave them my name and info on at least two occasions.  I waited, somewhat patiently, since JD was still here and I was not yet alone.  I did this against the advice of a very good (and wise) friend of mine who told me to be pro-active, pick up the telephone, contact Rear D, and make myself known.  Sometimes we all need a little encouragement to be the "I am woman, hear me roar!" type and she gave me that.  Temporarily, at least, as I still did nothing.  I didn't want to step on any toes or come off as pushy.  I tend to have a loud bark behind closed doors, but I seldom have a bite.

There's No Such Thing as a Typical Military Spouse Experience

This is why we are here.........

There’s No Such Thing as a Typical Military Spouse Experience

Every military spouse has a story to tell. Those stories could be humorous or heartbreaking, but no two are alike. And, some spouses are reluctant to share these stories because they think they are alone in their experiences. But that’s not true. In fact, many brave military spouses from Ft. Hood, Texas gathered at the SpouseBUZZ Live event — held at the Plaza Hotel — to share all of their stories and experiences, both joyful and challenging, with each other.

Dysfunctional FRGs

We all know they exist...dysfunctional FRGs.  Some military spouses have been cursed with a whole string of them.  To read online, you might think every FRG is a failure.  That may be due to the fact that those who flee these nightmare FRGs often end up on the Internet, searching for the support they are missing.

What can you do to fix them?

What can you do if they can't be fixed?

I agree that the military should look at ways to fix them (I'll post some suggestions on that next week).  I know that members can't always fix them, too.  These are just some suggestions.  I hope you will consider trying them and adding some of your own ideas.

Pick a Little, Talk a Little

Many people love a little gossip...it is a stereotype of large groups of (mostly) women that unfortunately seems to have a kernel of truth to it.  But there is a time and a place, I think.

One of the biggest complaints I hear about FRGs is that they turn into gossip factories.  One FRG I was in generally avoided this problem thanks to a strong start with a good leader, but there was one incident that troubled me.

Do I Have to Wear Pantyhose?

"So the Family Readiness Group sent me a card asking why I was not attending their meetings...keep in mind that this was the 1970s..."

The kind and fascinating gentleman had not only just given me a parking voucher at the DFW airport, now he was dropping gems about his experience as a male military spouse once upon a time.

"On the card were all sorts of options.  Cannot find childcare, have work, not interested. Of course my wife would not let me check off the one I wanted to select:"

Wait for it.

"Have to wear pantyhose to meetings."

Well, times have changed, haven't they. Or have they? Are there expectations or assumptions placed on you (from Command, from FRG leaders, from wherever) that bother you or chafe you?

What is the role of the Military Spouse?  What "duties" and "obligations" do we have, if any?  Are mandatory meetings really mandatory?  If you don't go, will it affect your husband's career?  Is your servicemember's job also your job?

Geographically Dispersed Spouse Support

Families need and deserve support, especially during activations and deployments.

Some spouses and families who need this support are geographically separated from military installations.

So, I wanted to share with you my own personal experience and also ask everyone to add questions/suggestions of their own...