Would you want your child to serve?

On Veteran's Day I received a sweet note from a friend - she thanked me (back in the day I was in the Army) and my husband for serving, as well as a handful of her other military (or former military) friends.  My friend mentioned that she would be very proud if any of her sons (she has 3) ever joined the military.

Two of the other recipients of this note from my friend did a "reply all" and I was surprised at their reaction to my friend mentioning her sons ever possibly joining the military.

I Don't Want to Be That Person

I've had a bit of a conundrum this deployment that has me seriously sensitive to my own behavior. 

What it boils down to is this, "To Tell or Not to Tell?" 

And the guilt is lifting

It has been a while since I have had anything to add to the conversation here at SpouseBuzz. 

I think the last you heard from me, I was living in a state of perpetually broken down appliances.  That pressure has seemed to let up a little for now. (knocking on wood)

I also am working again, which was HUGE.  Finding an employer, that will work with a military family schedule is HUGE.  It seems to help that the gentleman I am working for was former military. 

Year of the Air Force Family

It's the Year of the Air Force Family!    I thought that was pretty cool to see - new initiatives, new light being shone on the things families need to stay healthy and strong (maybe not Army Strong, but we have our own version.  It involves hair spray).  I can't tell you how absolutely wonderful I think it is when the command of any branch of the service takes a good look at the needs of those supporting the service and decides that extra attention needs to be focused in that area - and then decides to dedicate an entire year to doing so! 

It is even more exciting to me when I get to be a part of it, and Air Force Family (mine, that is, not the generic.  Although I'm sure we're not the only ones.) is happy to get involved.

One thing I can tell you right off the bat is that when Air Force Guy left the Army to join the Air Force long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I thought I was headed for an era of peaches and cream and mint juleps on a sun shaded porch.  No more long duties!  No more field exercises that seem to get extended every single time! 

In our case, that's not exactly what happened.

Welcome Back, Murphy

What a sad little TV show that would be!  Welcome Back, Kotter was great.  Welcome Back, Murphy?  Not so much.

With everything that's been going on lately, I had not even uttered Murphy's name lately.  When I do, it is in the vein of Seinfeld's uttering Newman's name.

We're EVERYWHERE!

For thirty years (since I was about 5 years old) I have wanted to go to Disney World.  How much have I wanted to go to Disney World?  I would pick Disney over a cruise to Hawaii.  I would pick Disney over a world tour (at least the first time).   I would pick Disney World over dinner with Abraham Lincoln if a time machine existed and I were somehow able to secure a special invitation to the White House in 1864.

Disney World has been a really big deal on the airforcewife list of things to do. 

After waiting and planning and saving, we decided this year was the year to go.  Everything just fell into place, which is particularly helpful.  We expected a big expense, and as we started pricing things out on the Disney website, our expectations proved to be right on target. 

But then I had a chance encounter with another military spouse, and everything changed.

Dear Children

I realize that I'm the only adult in the house at the moment.  I understand sometimes you have questions that only an adult can answer:  like, "May I go outside and play?" and "May I have those leftover Pixie Stix since they didn't get into Halloween bags?" and the omnipresent favorite, "What's for dinner tonight?" (this one is usually asked at 8:30 am).

You may also find yourselves in a situation that only an adult can handle:  for instance, like that time when Daughter #1 shaved off her eyebrows and The Informer (Daughter #3) couldn't wait to spill the beans. 

But I beg you, please.  PLEASE contain yourselves until I leave the bathroom to ask me these things!  I'm doing stuff in there, stuff that you really aren't helping.  In fact, and this may surprise you, sometimes I go in there when I don't actually need to go in there just to get some privacy and solitude.  Which, I have to admit, is somewhat spoiled when you stand outside the door saying, "Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!  Mom!" 

As always, there is an exception for emergencies.  Like that time The Boy made a paperclip chain and decided to stick each end of it in a socket.  That calls for interrupting my Mom time in the bathroom. 

But otherwise?  For your own safety and well being I heartily suggest you take a chill until I come out.  I promise, I won't take too long.

Love, Mom

A "shot" in the back

Today was a little backwards for me.  I went to the doctor to have an epidural injection in my back for the first time.  I have suffered from back pain since 1996 - got medically discharged from the Army because of my back in 1999.

It was backwards for me because my husband is always the one in a hospital bed while I patiently wait and then take care of him when we get home.

My Children Have Lost Their Minds

We are remarkably close to my husband's return home for R&R, or mid-tour leave, or whatever it is called nowadays.  We're all obviously a little excited, but I am overwhelmed by the level of wackiness coming out of my children.  Really, I don't know how we'll get through two weeks of Dad without some sort of colossal collision of kid craziness X4 and one Dad who hasn't been around kids in a long time.  Of course, it is possible that the conflict will actually be between the kids and me, since I have visions of a pleasant two week visit that is free of any friction and foolishness.

One part of me wants to believe that this is normal and expected, and the other part of me thinks that they should STOP RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  Even though we're all different, and I can see that my kids are each responding in their own ways, I'd still love to hear your experiences, thoughts and tips.  Anything to help me remember that it's all going to turn out OK - please share!

Photos from AUSA Family Forums

The hall was filled with FRG leaders and Commanders from across the country:

General Casey addresses the crowd:

Mrs. Casey addresses the crowd:

Secretary of the Army, John McHugh, Chief of Staff of the Army, General Casey and Sergeant Major of the Army, SMA Preston re-sign The Army Family Covenant. Secretary McHugh assured the crowd that although the Covenant was instituted under Secretary Geren's tenure, he is fully committed to its tenets.

An impressive Forum. I talked with several attendees who felt they left with recharged batteries and a renewed sense of purpose. As I said below, I'm requesting a copy of a particularly instructive presentation by Dr. Lyn Heirakuji on geographically-disbursed military families. I know this will be of interest to SpouseBUZZ readers because we have a large number of readers who are not located near or on a military installation.

Army Spouses Always Speak Their Mind: AUSA-Day One

If you've never attended an AUSA Annual Meeting, it's a fantastic event. Today I attended a Military Family Forum titled, "Army Families, The Strength Behind the Soldier." Although this conference is Army-Centric, many of the issues discussed in the forum would resonate with spouses of all branches. 

Today's forum featured General and Mrs. Casey, among others. General Casey mentioned that Secretary Gates enjoys interaction with Army spouses because, according to Secretary Gates, they "always speak their mind." Today was no exception. The spouses in attendance took the opportunity to candidly respond to General Casey's questions, and to ask questions of him. 

When General Casey stated that the last of the soldiers on 15-month rotations come home this month (or next) there was booming applause throughout the hall. He also stated that the Army is not going to give up on their goal of having soldiers deployed for 12 months/home for 24 months by 2011. 

In my opinion, the B-I-N-G-O moment came when General Casey mentioned that during his travels and meetings with Army spouses, he often hears, "[W]e don’t need a bunch of new, fancy programs, we need you to fund what you have and stick with them." 

General Casey went through a laundry list of issues and asked the audience to let him know "how we are doing" in the following areas:

Virtual FRGs - Lots of Boos

Increase accessibility to quality healthcare - Some Boos

Healthcare once you get in - So So Response

Military Family Life Consultants - Positive Response

Improving Soldier and Family Housing - Tepid Response

Expanding education and employment opportunities for family members - More thumbs down than thumbs up

New GI Bill - Lots of Applause

Military Spouse Career Advancement Accounts - Good Applause 

General Casey went through the tenants of The Army Family Covenant, then took questions from the audience members. Many of the questions centered around educating new soldiers, recruiters and commanders as to the value and benefit of family support and family programs. 

"Stop and watch the ants..."

Instead of the old saying, "Stop and smell the roses."

Why ants?  How does this relate to being part of the military world?

Doing This Apart

Because it has taken many years to get to this point, my husband and I already had first names picked out for our baby.  But we had never settled on a middle name.  Since my husband will be deployed for the entire pregnancy, we find ourselves trying to decide this by email.  It's not an easy task.

If you're in the same room, you can judge your spouse's reaction to hearing a name.  "Let's make her middle name Ethel" may elicit an obvious groan or just a polite shaking of the head.  You can better judge whether your spouse hates your idea or just doesn't seem to be fully convinced by it and needs more prodding.

You can't glean this via email.

Child Care

Finding the 'perfect' child care situation can occasionally prove to be difficult, but there are many resources available to assist you.

I Need a Do-Over!

At 10 am this morning I realized that I needed to go back to bed and start all over.

The  (bad) dog (which doesn't belong to me, but to a certain person who is taking an all expense paid extreme vacation) peed on the carpet right in front of me. 

When I got the Little Green Machine to clean it up, I dropped the dirty water ALL OVER THE FLOOR, which ran right to the baseboards I had been painting five minutes before the dog peed.

As I cleaned up the entire mess, I brushed up against the door frame I had painted and got Behr Snowfall Semi-Gloss all over my hair and back.

Then the evil blond child spilled my coffee on one of my books.

My stomach hurts.  I'm a little nauseous, too.  And I'm sicksicksick of grading papers already. 

I so totally understand Alexander, who had that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  I think I might have a sign made so people know when not to knock on my door.

WARNING!  AIRFORCEWIFE IS HAVING A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD, DAY!  PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!  AND BRINGING CHOCOLATE MIGHT HELP!

So.  I think I might head back up to bed and put my current DVD'd season of choice on tv and pretend today hasn't really happened yet.

Whoops

Something that was not on my deployment checklist, but should have been...

Put the EZ Pass on hold - that commute won't be happening for a while.

On the bright side, Air Force Guy shouldn't ever have a problem with low funds again.

The End of an Era - Changing My Venn Diagram

Yesterday my 6 year old son told me something that nearly made my heart stop.

"Mom," he said.  "I think I want a normal haircut now."

Why Does It Feel So Different?

My girls started school yesterday.  Not just a new school year, but they began their school year at an entirely new school.  The first grader showed only a moment's hesitation with the entire process.  The fifth grader, however, had more speed bumps.

I kept thinking, "This is so much harder with my husband deployed!  If only he were here, this would be so different!"

I realized as I walked from the school building after delivering each child safely to her respective classroom, that I have taken that walk alone, every year whether my husband were deployed or not.

Air Force, We Need to Work on This

I've been trying to find a Cub Scout pack for my son, which is not as easy as it sounds when you home-school!  You tend to miss all the neat-o reminders and such that go home in backpacks from the classroom.

However, I think I may have found a pack; and because I believe in full disclosure I let them know by email that I would not be very available for volunteer time this year while Air Force Guy is deployed and that I understood totally if this was an issue (can't do these things without volunteers, after all!). 

Proving once again that it is a small Air Force, the person who emailed me back let me know that they understood our situation totally, as they were an Air Force family themselves.  Well, cool!  And I felt this urge, this urge to say something that would bring us together, something that denoted a shared experience and a sisterhood.  Something like "Oorah" or "Hooah".  Something... But there wasn't anything to say.  The Air Force does not seem to have a club house password, and it can be a bit awkward at times.

Well, that's not entirely true.  Air Force people seem to say "Outstanding" a lot.  It's just not the same thing, though.  I've seen my Army brother hold entire conversations with people using only facial expressions and the grunts of "Huh and Hooah."  "Outstanding" just does not have the same breadth of expression.

Air Force, we need to work on this.

Mission completion

My mission for Summer 2009:  Survive almost 3 months of boiling heat with both kids at home all day, every day; without selling either child on e&ay.  Do so without going bankrupt.   

It's Never a Good Time, But do it Anyway

Today I read a story on the main page of military.com that made my heart clench and my stomach hurt - it was all about what happens when a service-member doesn't make their wishes, should the worst happen, perfectly clear.

The Ugly Truth

This post has been riding with me for awhile.  I've rolled this around, considered not posting it, considered curbing some of the truths, and then became comfortable enough with the truth that I determined I could handle whatever comments people may want to lob my way. 

Lean On Me

I have to admit it, I ultra-personalize my phone.  With all the moving and what-not, sometimes my phone is the only thing I get to truly reflect me on a semi-permanent basis.  I have ring tones, answer tones, phone bling...  During Air Force Guy's last deployment I used Bill Wither's "Ain't No Sunshine" as my answer tone, but figured that I should change that out when armywifetoddlermom told me for the fourth time that calling me was "very depressing" because she had to listen to that song while waiting for me to answer.

Point well taken.  Although I still love the song, I changed it.

New Paternity Leave Policy

Did you know that a new paternity leave policy allows married active duty service members up to 10 consecutive days of administrative leave after the birth of a child?  It was news to me.  Apparently the new policy was signed into law on Oct 14, 2008.  To say that not all of us are aware of this new policy is - I venture to guess - a gross understatement.

Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now!

Having already established that my life is like "If You Give a Moose a Muffin," a new book has been added into the mix at our house.

Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now!

Trust me, I'm not trying to get rid of my husband and I really would like to keep him home with us for a bit.  But if the last two deployments he went on busted the schedule by having him leave earlier than anticipated (and quite suddenly in the case of the first deployment), this one has tried to make up for that by continually setting his date to leave back.  This means several things...

Stop! You Can't Do That!

We're down to the wire now, and the last few things I've neglected getting ready for deployment need to be done NOW or they will not get done at all. 

Among these is something that is not technically necessary, but gives me great peace of mind -

The Greater Good, or the Greater Good?

You know, military spouses tend to be a "jump in and get it done" group.  Or maybe a "go and get'em" group.  (And I know that I'm making a huge generalization here, but play along with me.)  And when we have the opportunity to do something that will benefit lots of people (your spouse's unit, your kid's school, your neighborhood), it seems obvious that we should do it.  It can be hard to remember that we've got people at home who need us, too, and our impact on them is a lot bigger than our impact on the rest of the world.

Last week, I was asked to do something that could, potentially, have helped military families as a whole.  I was very excited and it sounded like fun.  I immediately started scheming to stash my kids with friends and neighbors, reschedule swimming lessons, and generally juggle stuff so that I could participate.  Then I realized - it was the last day of camp for two children, and they were having a little presentation.  I quickly decided that it couldn't possibly be that important to them, and they'd be fine without me.

Feeling Bad Instead of Sad

Last night my husband deployed.  This morning I had an ultrasound to see if our baby was alive.

I found out I was pregnant three weeks before my husband deployed.  It is a welcomed turn of events for us, and we are hopeful that after so much sadness and dismay, we have another chance at creating a family (one that doesn't yet require spending thousands of dollars).  So with shifting deployment days and our bad track record at gestation, I didn't complain when they gave me an appointment after he was supposed to have left.  I have no energy left to worry about such trivialities.  The baby would either be alive or dead, and his presence would do nothing to change that.  Unfortunately, that's my normal. 

Nearly four years ago, Deltasierra commented about the miscarriage she had while her husband was gone.  I replied:

DS, I am so sorry about your miscarriage. That's not something I've ever even thought of having to deal with alone...and I'm so sad that you had to.

Never did I think I would go through that too.  Plus twice more while my husband was at home.  It is so my normal now that it's just another doctor's visit.  Only with more jitters.

Thankfully, as of this morning, the baby looks OK.  It will be a while before we can be certain, but it's a good start.

But what I really wanted to write about was how morning sickness can even further complicate pre-deployment emotions.

Lost In Translation

If you are a regular reader of SpouseBuzz you may or may not know a few things about me.  Lest I lose YOU in translation too, let me tell you two things.  First, my husband is deployed.  Second, we are in the middle of an international adoption.

That, apparently, is a combination ripe with frustrating possibilities.

You Might Be a Military Family If...

Everyone in the family has their own personal Camelbak...

The Beginning of Not The Same

I realized as I was sitting in a completely empty house on July 4th with no working knowledge of our gas grill that, perhaps, I should just admit to myself that this is our first of "just not the same" days that we will meet head on this year.

My next thought?  I knew a place I could go where I would not be the only one doing this today.

Oops.

I was driving back onto post this morning with all windows down enjoying the sun.  Little Man sits behind me and apparently caught the gate guard's attention.  As the guard is checking my id he is chatting up my son and asking him if he is staying out of trouble and if he is being good for daddy today and if he let daddy sleep in.

Then he looks back to me for some kind of feedback.  Like he wants the real story and not just the flirt face Little Man has perfected.

So I tell him that Daddy is in Iraq so he is pretty safe from any trouble Little Man causes. 

Oops.  Poor man about had to sit down, he didn't know where to go from there.  At all.  Which wasn't what I expected or I might have just taken the smile and nod approach as he was being terribly nice in our thirty second exchange.

And in related news: Happy Father's Day!  To all the dads in this military family of ours who are deployed, tdy, geo bachelors or otherwise separated from your kids, know there are plenty of people with a little extra tug in their heart for you and yours!  Especially the ones where communication might not be possible. 

The Miss-O-Meter

I spent last week visiting my husband on his final pass prior to his leaving for his overseas deployment.  When I returned home, I picked up the mail that the Post Office had been holding for me.  As I thumbed through the bills, magazines, and junk, I saw it.

A big envelope with Deployment in the "From" field and my name in the "To" field. 

I ran my hands over the envelope and realized what had finally arrived.

The Miss-O-Meter.

This is My Brain

With Air Force Guy coming and going on a very frequent basis, it has become accepted fact in our family that my brain is the repository for all things... well, all things.  Need to know how old the roof is?  2 years.  Family blood types?  Four B negatives and an O negative.  Need a kennel?  A mechanic (I found a great one, by the way, who doesn't overcharge or cheat us!)?  Who is our doctor?  Husband has a headache - what could have triggered it?  Oh, and by the way, the minivan is about ten miles overdue for an oil change.  AND DON'T PUT THAT IN THE DRYER!

Unfortunately, keeping all this information on ready access alert in my head (I do write everything down as well) means that most days I engage in quite a lot of stream of consciousness thought.

For instance:

More possible signs of weirdness

For a while now I have been thinking about something that probably doesn't happen too often outside of military family life.

Seadaddy was deployed for pretty much the entirety of my pregnancy with our son.  And five years prior to that, he had reenlisted and was in A school and sent to his first duty station during the gestational period of my stepdaughter.  So with two kids of his own already, earlier this year was his first experience living with a pregnant lady.  For some reason that just cracks me up.  

Thankfully he is going to be back from his current deployment and should not be leaving for his next deployment before this baby is born.  Which is great, because liveblogging my labor for the benefit of him sitting in an MWR computer center in Iraq probably loses its cool factor the second time around. 

I Totally Did Not Want to Go There...

It started out innocently enough - the two younger Air Force kids and I went to a local homeschooling conference.  We had to sign up Daughter #2 for next year at our homeschool academy of choice.

We did a bit of "window" shopping, bought some books, and meandered our way over to the Academy table to sign up.  I grabbed an application form, started filling it out, and was confronted by this:

Mother:     (resides in home/resides separately from child)
Father:      (resides in home/resides separately from child)

Whose definition are we using here? 

A little bit of history

On Sunday we had an open house because we are desperately trying to sell our house before we PCS later this month.  We had to be out of the house so a bunch of strangers could walk through our house and invade my personal space (yes, I have issues with this, but I know it must be done).

We decided to drive 3 hours away to take our kids to Antietam National Battlefield.  There are two pieces of history that have become important in our home regarding Antietam.

Putting Down the Yo-Yo

Since early this year, my family has been enduring the predeployment yo-yo.  You know the one.  Two weeks of training.  A weekend at home.  Three weeks training.  A weekend at home.  A month of training.  Five days at home.  A month of training in a different state.  A few days' pass before heading overseas.

I'm not going to lie.  I was never a big fan of yo-yos.

Don't Get MeWrong Or Anything..

Air Force Guy is currently outside the United States, which means that our primary mode of communication is Google Talk.

snakes, snails, and puppy dog tails?

I have the good fortune of having a wonderful MIL.  She raised my Husband, how can I not adore her?  She is a sentimental person.  One of the most sentimental people I have met.  I do not come from a line of sentimental people. 

One shining example of this?   The amount of stuff she has kept from DH's childhood.  Books, drawings, and empty glass jar that held the vaseline sent home from the hospital, EVEN his first diaper pin.  (yes people used to use cloth diapers, and sharp pins!) 

I Am MilSpouse, Hear Me Roar! (*sputter*)

Two days ago, on  the way to prepare dinner, I somehow managed to slip and fall down the stairs at my house.  Because I tend to do most things in a big way, the result was that I somehow managed to smash my tailbone into every step on the way down, only stopping because I ended it by crashing into the wall. 

Very typical.

And it hurt.  A lot.  My pride most of all.  Anyway, I had things to do (like feed a roiling horde of hungry children) so when after a short break to regain my breath (and my dignity), I hitched into the kitchen to make something to eat.  As any milspouse will tell you whenever something happens - life goes on.

Luckily, yesterday morning I felt a little stiff, but otherwise fine.  Life goes on, right?  I had a bathroom that needed the wallpaper scraped off, so I set to work.

Big mistake.  Big, giant, BAD mistake.

Painfully Aware

I went to my initial consult at the geneticist's office yesterday, and at one point the doctor said, "During your appointment with the genetics counselor, you will also talk about the risks of what you're doing while your husband is deployed."

What he didn't come right out and say was, "You do know that you could get pregnant with triplets and then your husband could get killed in war, right?"

My answer to that is that, yes, I am painfully aware of that possibility.  But I think he has it exactly backwards.  I think it's civilians who need to be counseled of these risks, not us.

Army Of One

As an update to my previous post...

The good news is that there's an opening with the geneticist this coming Monday morning.  The bad news is that Monday morning is the only day next week that my husband has training he cannot skip and cannot reschedule.  So it was either go to the appointment alone, or wait three weeks for the next available appointment.

I swear, they meant Army wives when they wrote the slogan Army Of One.  We have to do so many things on our own, all the time.

Even getting pregnant, I have to take care of on my own.

Eat your heart out, Rosie the Riveter.

What's the Problem?

The problem is that I can't quite identify the problem. 

And like so many problems, it starts with my children...

I'll Take "Wasted Time" For $200, Please

I feel like I've lived the past two years with the Jeopardy song in my head.  Hurry up; time is tight...

Two years ago, I was already stressed out about fitting a baby in before deployment.  Commenters told me that this is just a fact of military life and that I have to get used to the idea of my husband missing out on the birth or other milestones.  They said just to go for it and that life would take care of itself.

Three miscarriages, two fertility treatments, and an awful revelation about my genetic code later...well, we still don't have a baby.  And the Jeopardy song is still playing.

My Explanation

This weekend I was very blessed - not only did I get to attend the Milblog Conference in DC, but I got to sit on one of the panels.  And with Lily Burana, no less!  Let me tell you, she is every bit as funny, charming, and down to earth in person as you would guess.  Love.  Her.

But I've been thinking about one question from the conference ever since - mulling it over in my mind and dissecting my own answer.  I've been trying to really define what I was trying to express in a way that someone who is not a member of the military can understand without feeling as though the answer itself was an attack (I'm pretty sure that the military folks there "got it").

The question, paraphrased, was this: (see live blog here) I hear that the MSM has failed the military community.  Why do you think that is the case?    I hear there are all kinds of communities that feel the media has failed them. 

PCSing without the kids

While not ideal, many military families deal with divorce and with a pcs on the horizon parents without primary custody may find themselves with little opportunity to remain close to their children.   So with regular cycles of 'picking' new orders every few years, is there any right or best time to try and be stationed near the kids?

I was hoping to get some feedback on this.

Last Chance To-Do List

No pressure or anything.  My husband's last pass prior to his final weeks of training begins this weekend.  This will likely be the last time he will set foot in this house for over a year.  No pressure.

I have a tendency to create a monstrous and ridiculous to-do list when my husband is due home from deployment.  I'm promising (in writing no less) NOT to do that this time IF, and only if, I can pretty please have some karmic intervention to accomplish the following to-do list before he leaves in a few days.

George Burns Had It Right

I was shopping for a card a few years ago and saw a great one emblazoned with a quote by George Burns on it:

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Of course, this quote is the preface to yet another story involving my mother-in-law.

When I'm 64

I have decided I can't wait until my kids are in their twenties so I can ask them what it was like to grow up in our family.