He's Back! Now What?

Air Force Guy has been back from deployment for about a week and a half now.  So, on one hand - YAY!  It's been great to have him back - that worry you scrunch down to the bottom of your stomach?  I feel strangely light now that it's gone.  That insomnia that was keeping me up until three or four in the morning?  I'm usually asleep by 11 at the latest now.  And - as all deployment veteran wives know, the *ahem* frustration level has dropped to nothing (although we still have months to make up for, and I do plan on making them up). 

Life is good.

On the other hand...

Of Pride and Pain

This evening, President Obama will talk about the end of combat operations in Iraq via a prime time address to the nation. A few days ago, as I watched footage of the Strykers leaving Iraq and crossing over into Kuwait, tears welled up in my eyes. Much blood, sweat and tears were spilled over the past several years in order to achieve this goal. In war, there are goals and when goals are achieved, those who fought hard and valiantly to achieve them are entitled to a feeling of accomplishment, and we are proud of their efforts. As you can see, many are heavily invested in the future of Iraq.

Many troops, such as Army Staff Sgt. Nicholas Burkeen, 27, of St. Louis, will keep a keen watch on what happens in the still-fractious country. Burkeen is on his third, and almost certainly last, deployment to Iraq.

“I’m always going to be looking at this place,” he said. “I’ve got 48 months’ deployment time here — it’s like a second home. That will be my best day, whenever I see … this country unify under one flag.”

The only military that troops of the Iraq generation know is one at war. Multiple deployments are the norm rather than a remote possibility, as it was after Vietnam. It has crept into the rhythms of their lives. Time with spouses and children has become a luxury in between tours.

As I listened to the interpretations of various pundits on the day the the last combat Brigade rolled out of Iraq, I knew what was about to ensue in my corner of the world, so I scoured several milspouse forums with predictable results.

I came across many comments by milspouses stressing that approximately 50,000 troops are still in Iraq and that their spouses were among them. I was merely reading words, but the emotion behind the words was palpable. These ladies wanted people to understand that Iraq, while standing, has wobbly knees, and that the men they loved were still in harm's way. Transitioning from Operation Iraqi Freedom to Operation New Dawn, while definitely worth celebrating, doesn't change the reality for many milspouses and their families. The sentiment of the collective commenters was a mixture of pride and pain.

And I understood it perfectly.

Please, God. Not That...

I read an article this morning which compelled me to write about something I've never really discussed with anyone. It's a tricky subject. I've wrestled with writing in detail about it for a couple of years but ultimately decided it was simply too hard to explain my raw feelings and inner turmoil. And quite honestly, I feared what others might think.

When my husband was deployed, I constantly thought about worst-case scenarios and how I would react to them if they were to become reality. I'm not ashamed of this, I think it's a perfectly reasonable response to the perfectly strange existence of a wife whose husband is a zillion miles away in a combat zone.

Oh, Yeah. I Forgot to Splurge....

Some kind soul gave me a gift certificate to a local spa recently, and I jumped for joy. I'm such a spa gal. I love being pampered. Part of the reason I love it so is that it's such a rare treat. Most of us rarely have the opportunity to spend a few hours at a spa being exfoliated, wrapped in seaweed or mud and receiving a delectable massage at the hands of a talented masseuse. It's like sipping fine wine from a bottle that costs $80. The anticipation is palpable and you savor every minute of it.

I try to do something out of the ordinary, to splurge at least once during a deployment. I realized that I didn't splurge at all during my husband's last deployment. Far from it....

I can't wait to book my spa appointment.

Do you splurge during a deployment or separation? If so, what's your pleasure? 

The Meaning of Sacrifice

My grandmother is 93 years old.  She's a remarkable lady - when I describe her as a pistol there is no exaggeration in the phrase whatsoever.  Recently my mother had to shoo my grandmother down off the roof where she was sweeping off leaves and detritus that Grandma had deemed a fire hazard.  And mentally?  My grandmother makes it a regular practice to be the terror of the local bridge club - regularly beating members thirty years younger than she. 

And I don't think my grandmother - although blessed with uncommon health - is an outlier for her generation.  She lived through The Great Depression and she lived through World War II.  She sent two sons off to fight in Vietnam, and she has seen her grandson and her grandson-in-law repeatedly deploy in the GWoT.  She has traveled to nearly every country represented in the United Nations, she still enjoys a cold beer several times a week, and she has had an ongoing mental love affair with John F. Kennedy since 1958.  I hope that someday I will be half the person and live half the life my grandmother has.

My grandmother traveled to see us last year, when we knew Air Force Guy would be deploying again, and while she was here she made the most amazing statement to me.  This woman who didn't see her husband for nearly three years while he was at war; who took over running their family farm, caring for elderly parents, and suffered through a very real lack of communication with her husband that I can't even begin to imagine.  This woman who saw those around her lose husbands and sons at an alarming rate and who once confessed to me that she used to do laundry several times a week because she felt that when she was hanging it on the line to dry she could "feel" her two sons in Vietnam, feel that they were still alive and still in one piece - she told me that she couldn't imagine how hard it must be to be a military wife today. 

I did not know how to respond to my grandmother's statement, and really I still don't. 

Stockpiling

Whenever I walk by a greeting cards section, I usually peruse the romantic cards and the I-miss-you cards.  I have always stocked up on these to have on hand when my husband deploys so that I can regularly send him snail mail.  For years it's been a diehard habit for me, and deployments 1 and 2 were spaced out so much that I had a serious stockpile of mushy cards just waiting patiently for him to leave home.  So today when I was at the Dollar Tree, I grabbed a few cute cards...and then I realized that my husband isn't going anywhere for a while.  Right now he will finish out this non-deployable assignment in a staff job and then he will transfer to a new branch of the Army and start training in that job.  It may be quite a while before he deploys again.

Obviously this is fantastic news for our family.  But part of me is so used to the idea of his departure always on the horizon that I have a hard time digesting that he will be home for the foreseeable future.

At any rate, I still bought the cards.  They can stockpile up for some sort of inevitable departure down the road...'cause you know it's coming at some point!

The Final Sprint

Air Force Guy's current deployment is rapidly coming to a close - although it seems like the days are moving more slowly than my kids when I call bedtime, the time altogether seems to be hurtling  like a freight train towards homecoming day.

What this means to me, of course, is that the last two weeks have been filled with stress and upset about all the things that I didn't get done, the things I should have started, the fact that my house isn't clean enough, and my rear end isn't small enough.  In fact, I have christened the mad sprint I am going through right now (which centers around 9 boxing/kickboxing workouts a week and the most boring - albeit healthy - eating plan ever devised by a professional dietitian) "Operation Make My A** Smaller". 

This is far from our first deployment or homecoming.  I should know better by now, but it seems I never truly learn.  And it probably doesn't help that I have a competitive streak the size of a politician's ego - I made a goal for myself and I'm going to reach it, so help me, if it's the last thing I do.  The floor will be scrubbed, the beds will be made, my hair will be perfect, and I will fit into that next size down jeans or I will kick and punch and bob and weave until I fall over dead in the ring.  Then I won't need the jeans, so it all works out in my mind.

Break it to me Gently

We have had a long deployment break, in fact I am sure it is longer than the rest of my Spousebuzz cohorts. I won't even mention it out of fear of the stones that could be thrown.  We at Spousebuzz have posted about the guilt regarding long breaks in deployments  as well.  When your job as a family is "to serve" and everyone else is serving, at some point and time you feel as if you are not pulling your weight. 

When we went through our last move, we missed 2 National Guard deployment cycles by luck, and not choice, and DH was very disappointed.  I was actually relieved, and felt guilty about it. 

Recently my husband had to attend a ceremony, and it was mandatory that the entire family go.  That week was a difficult one, as my Father had been in  and out of the hospital with multiple health problems including kidney failure, a brand new diagnosis of diabetes, and a very large blood clot in his lower leg.  It was a long week, and I was spent.....it was also the week I turned 40.  My Husband said "there was no good time to tell me the news".

Five minutes before leaving the house for the event, my husband pulls me aside while I am finishing off the final touches of lipstick to say..."you should probably know, I will be deploying in a year."  I know now he was thwarting some possible disaster of me finding out in a public forum, because I may have punched someone.  For some reason, I became angry at my husband immediately.  I did not yell, or stomp feet, but I was mad at him.  I am still unsure why completely.  But I contend that it was because he volunteered without asking my input, even though if he would have asked I would have said "yes".  So frankly, I am unsure why I felt it so necessary to stew in my own juices. 

Looking back on our deployment history though, I have never received the news well.  

To Tell or Not to Tell

My husband is gone right now, on an all expense paid vacation to an exotic locale.  Which really isn't anything unusual in this household. 

And, really, I'm okay with it.  I've got the routine down pat at this point.  The kids have their chores, I keep up on my things, and for those frustrations it sometimes feels like I can't talk about to anyone - you know, those ones I would normally talk out with my husband in bed at night?  Well, I go hit things at the gym.  That heavy bag, it's an amazing therapist.

But.  There's always a but, right?  There's always a monkey somewhere with a karmic wrench to throw into the works.  I got one of those two weeks ago.

No to Yes/No Boxes on Pre-Deployment Checklists?

Yesterday, Admiral Mullen vowed to put an end to the yes/no boxes on a service members pre-deployment checklist with respect to distributing family readiness and other information.

The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff vowed today to eliminate the "yes-no" box that appears on some predeployment checklists that determines whether a servicemembers' units can contact their families during deployments. There are just too many spouses whose spouse deploys where that box is checked no," Navy Adm. Mullen said while addressing the National Guard Family Program Volunteer Workshop in New Orleans. "In my time as chairman, I'm going to make that box go away."

On some predeployment family readiness checklists, servicemembers can opt out of keeping their family members informed about family readiness information, benefits and entitlements.

The eradication of the "yes-no" box will require a joint effort, the chairman said. "This has to be actively pursued from within," he said, "from the grassroots level up to the commanders so that we can make it go away."

This effort will be a step toward keeping families better informed, and also will help to close a gap, particularly for Guard and Reserve families who often are far from the support of a military installation, Mullen said, noting that when his wife, Deborah, was visiting a base, a National Guard spouse drove six hours to see her.

There are some interesting comments and varying viewpoints on our Facebook page about this announcement by Admiral Mullen. Some think he's on the right track. Others think, for better or worse, the service member should have the freedom to decide whom, if anyone, should be given information. 

Thoughts?

"The Hardest Battle"

I watched this video earlier today:

If you have trouble viewing the video, click here for another version.

This touched me for many reasons. Apparently, CBS spent some time with this Marine unit, then went stateside to get the homefront perspective. I wish more media outlets would present both perspectives, side-by-side. I've rarely seen a report which encapsulates so perfectly what spouses go through on the homefront without oozing pity. CBS also provided a great window into the world of milspouse friendship and support.

"I Need You"

SpouseBUZZ is a forum for milspouses, so naturally we tend to discuss issues from our perspective. This morning, via Semper Fi Wife, I came across a very powerful blog post written from the perspective of a soldier. 

As we agonizingly inch closer to the day we have to leave our friends and family for a distant, hostile war zone, I struggle with the wide range of emotions I experience from day to day, moment to moment. Monday morning I woke up for what I believed to be my last full week of work at Camp Dodge in Des Moines, planning to return home on Friday and then head to our sendoff on Sunday morning.

As I ran around the house at the last minute, collecting my things, looking for my phone charger, trying to get out the door, I realized that Carolyn was already sitting in my truck in the driveway. Right away, I knew something was wrong. As I hopped in, and with tears in her eyes, she announced “So, where are we going?” It broke my heart. She knew she couldn’t come to Des Moines with me, but she was just trying to delay the inevitable.

So, we sat in the car and talked. And cried. And held hands. Both of us doing our best to make the most of our last days together before I am gone for a full year. About that time, our 2 year old daughter was carried out to the truck by Grandma Julie, as she had just woken up for the day. She wanted to sit on my lap and drive the truck (she loves sitting in the car out in the driveway!). She wanted to honk the horn, turn the wipers on, turn the radio up. She was having fun with Dad in the “big truck.”

But I had to go, so I carried her back to the house, hand-in-hand with Carolyn, and tried to hand her back over to my wife as she started to realize that I was leaving again. She started crying. And that’s when she said something I’ve never heard her say before, and something that will stick with me the rest of my life:

Don’t go Daddy. I need you.

Grace, I need you. And I need your Mom. And I need your baby brother Nick too. I need you all.

Read the rest here. You won't be sorry. 

Oh, Now it's ON

I have been chronicling my husband's love of all things Gear in The Geardo Chronicles.   It's truly ridiculous.  There's gear in every room of my house, and no matter how hard I try to pack all this stuff out of the way, it creeps back into every nook and cranny.

I've learned to live with it.  I can deal with finding holsters in my child's bedroom.  I understand that where other people use bungee cords to tie things down in pick up beds, we use 550 Cord.  I understand that body armor is bulky, and that the uniforms, boots, chem gear, and whatever else looked cool the day they had some to give out will take up a decent amount of room. 

But this time, Air Force Guy's gear has gone too far.  The other day I took out my sewing box to put some of those awesome sarcastic patches on my boxing bag, and I FOUND PIECES OF GEAR IN MY SEWING BOX.  Is nothing sacred?

Making PMS Look Like a Walk in the Park....

During separations from my husband, I find I'm more sensitive to things that generally don't bother me. Sometimes, I'm easily agitated and my emotions can travel from the mountain tops to the valley at a rate of speed that would astonish NASA engineers. A while back, I self-diagnosed and put a name to the condition which afflicts most milspouses at one time or the other. It's called Deployment Rage Syndrome (DRS). You can read all about DRS here.

Last week I read a column by Marine wife Kristi Stolzenberg, titled, "Subjects to avoid in conversations with military spouses." Kristi opens the column with this:

As any Marine spouse will tell you, deployments are touchy subjects. They are entangled in a heap of emotions that most spouses rarely recognize until the deployment ends and their usual sanity has been restored.

So it should come as no surprise that since Marine spouses can have difficulty pinpointing their emotions, approaching a spouse to inquire about the deployment can be like dodging landmines; there’s a lot of tip-toeing involved.

Perspective From the Flipside

When my husband deployed to Iraq, it seemed like most people thought my fears and worries would be focused on a worst case scenario that involved my husband not coming home.  To me, it seemed like that fear was almost inherent to deployment to a war zone.  And, because I treat worrying like a competitive sport, I couldn't just stop there.

Nope.

I concentrated on the smaller things.  Things that wouldn't end his life, but would impact his civilian career.  A wrenched back, a twisted knee or something else that would prevent him from putting on the Brown and doing it for you.

What would happen to us if that happened?

I Went There

Last weekend my third daughter, the evil blond one, had her first gymnastics exhibition.  She was very excited and ready to go, but also sad because her Dad is deployed and wouldn't be able to make this event (like many, many others in her life). 

However, she perked right up when I promised to record it so that he could watch when he gets home.  And so that was my plan.

Until I got to the gym.

Support, Fault, Blame, and the Front of the Commisary Line

When the military lifestyle turns into a soap opera (not one that runs on the Lifetime Network), it does so in A VERY BIG WAY.

There has been no avoiding this story, really, since it's all over the place and we all have strong feelings about this sort of activity.  Or rather, bullying.  Actually, I'm not sure that even the word bullying applies here - but I think that for those of us on the outside of the story, eyebrows raised in horror and a bit of resigned shock.  And embarrassment.

Baffled...But Maybe It's Just the Heat?

The only light in this room right now is my Mac.  Lighting is too hot!  Our AC decided that it needed a break tonight.  Never mind that it has been steamy (literally) here today after several thunderstorms that only added to the humidity rather than dispel it.

My husband has been trying to connect with a buddy for two months.  He's wanted to have that "Hey!  I'm home from Iraq with all my pieces and parts" beer with him and tonight is the night! 

Then, the AC went out and my husband, in all seriousness and sincerity, said, "I'm going to call Jon and tell him I can't make it.  I can't have you home alone waiting for some repair guy to come!  It's almost eleven!"

::Blink, Blink::

Hello?  Have we met?

Our Emotional Relationship With Food

I was talking with some people yesterday about the emotional relationship milspouses have with food, particularly during a separation from their spouse. The conversation prompted me to think back on recent separations and I could clearly see how my consumption of food, and what types of food I consumed, ebbed and flowed depending on the circumstances in my life. 

I don't have children, so when my husband is away, I only have myself to feed. I tend to eat the same things over and over again. I must have consumed a zillion cans of Progresso Minestrone soup during my husband's last two deployments. In addition to that, I stay up late when my husband is away. This means that I have more hours in the day to become hungry and reach for a "snack," which usually involves something chocolate. If my husband were home, I would have been asleep and only dreaming of chocolate, not consuming it....

I've talked with numerous moms who have said that they are overwhelmed with being mommy and daddy and can barely find time to prepare a full meal most days. They often reach for the easy button and go for take-out, or make quick meals like mac and cheese.

Defining Success

From Merriam-Webster.com, edited to remove irrelevant stuff:

Main Entry: suc·cess
Pronunciation:  \sək-ˈses\
2 a : degree or measure of succeeding b : favorable or desired outcome; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence
3 : one that succeeds

I think that the dictionary's definition of success is awfully flat, and unsatisfactory since it includes the word succeeding in the definition.  For that, we have to go to another definition:

Main Entry: suc·ceed Pronunciation: \sək-ˈsēd\

1 a : to come next after another in office or position or in possession of an estate; especially : to inherit sovereignty, rank, or title b : to follow after another in order
2 a : to turn out well b : to attain a desired object or end <students who succeed in college>

3 obsolete : to pass to a person by inheritance

Okay, so why is She of the Sea rambling on about success?

SURPRISE: Your Weekend Feel-Good Video

Do grab a kleenex, though....

Male to Female Militarese

Over the years, we at SpouseBUZZ have addressed the issue of the language that exists for those who serve in or are affiliated with the military (for short, called Militarese).   We PCS, our spouses go TDY, we get BAH, and if someone is out of line they get a Come to Jesus.

One thing we haven't really gone into, though, is the gender differences within Militarese.  Because I can tell you right now that I don't speak the same language as my husband. 

For instance...

Hey, Yo: "That's a Troop"

 

About the video: 

"Troop” is a Joe Roos original, that honors all servicemembers, but is from the perspective of a soldier of the 34th Red Bull Infantry Division. “Troop” was shot and produced during the Red Bull’s deployment to Basra, Iraq.  

I'm Obviously Too Old For This

Oh the pressure of seeing the end of the deployment tunnel!

I still have a few months until Air Force Guy is home for good (or rather, what passes for "for good" in our world.  Probably about three months) and the workouts have been going great.  I've managed to hit the gym 6 days a week, I've watched my diet pretty well with one brief foray into Haagen Daz (and that temptation they hit me with was TOTALLY not fair!).  And I think I'm doing pretty well!

Or rather, I was doing pretty well...

Borrowing Trouble

It's an old expression, but one my family swears I invented.  I'm always "borrowing trouble" or worrying ahead.  I find, though, that preparing for the worst is the best way for me to be prepared for it.  And, even if the situation turns godawful, my imagination proved approximately 45% worse.  So, worrying ahead made it seem not as bad as it could have been.

Did I mention I also rationalize things in a circular manner?

As if I didn't have enough to worry about on a daily basis, we mixed it up in March.

My husband arrived home on a Monday from his year-long deployment to Iraq. At his homecoming ceremony, our adoption agency called to tell us we needed to be in Ethiopia that following Tuesday for our Embassy appointment.  That meant we needed to leave that Friday to be in country in time.

And so begins the trouble borrowing...

PMSS + DTY = One Ridiculous Situation

My least favorite thing to do when my husband is away is dealing with mechanics, contractors and repair men. I'm not a helpless little female, and I can handle a lot of minor repairs myself, but I don't know the technical ins and outs of major repair work and unless I've been referred by someone I know and trust, I'm always trying to figure out if prices I'm being quoted are reasonable, or if I'm about to be taken for a ride. All I know is something is broken and needs to be fixed. But the main reason I don't like to handle this when my husband is away is that I occasionally suffer from PMSS. Paranoid Military Spouse Syndrome. 

PMSS afflicts some of us. It's that delusional state-of-mind when we think someone is out to get us. They know our spouse is away and it's a perfect time for them to take advantage of the situation. No, it's never actually happened, and isn't likely to, but when my husband leaves something odd occurs in that mass of cobwebs I call a brain. I go to extreme measures to ensure that people don't know, or even suspect, that I'm home alone. Even though I employ extreme measures, I begin to wonder if someone is following me home or is plotting to break in, kill me and steal everything we own. Or maybe they just want to make an extra buck off of me.  

When I go to see a mechanic or have a repairman over, I already have my speech ready. It's the one where I plan my words with mass sprinklings of "my husband'  so that they know my husband is home. Even though he's not. It's really rather silly because there never seems to be a straightforward conversation with these folks and I always get busted.

Excuse Me, That's Just Weird

These are Air Force Family's dogs, Ike and Mamie.
 

Ike and Mamie have been wonderful companions, and they love everyone.  Mamie, in particular, has a thing for babies. 

Ike, however, apparently has had some issues come up. 

The Army has done it again...

Last night DH and I had the pleasure of meeting some of the command team from 25th ID in Hawaii (our next duty station).  We also had a VTC with the rest of the command team.  My husband's orders had that he would be going to a brigade.  When we walked in to the meeting last night, we found out he was being assigned to division staff.  WHAT!?

Welcome Home!

Wow - What a great homecoming video. Kleenex required....

Free YMCA for Certain Groups

I've reported on this before, but the program is still going on and I want to make sure that everyone knows. The DOD has contracted with YMCAs to offer free memberships to certain military families who might not be near a military fitness facility.  These groups include activated National Guard and Reserve families, active duty assigned to independent duty locations, and families who have relocated away from military facilities due to a deployment in excess of six months. In addition to supporting deployed and remote families, this benefit is also available to wounded warriors (and spouses/children) who are part of a Community Based Warrior Transition Unit. There's even a special program for active duty service members (not families, unfortunately) who join a private gym because there are no military facilities or participating YMCAs nearby.

In addition to the fitness memberships, select YMCA child care facilities will offer up to 16 hours of respite child care for eligible families of deployed service members (the same eligibility requirements as the fitness memberships.)

More information can be found at Military OneSource or the YMCA Military Outreach pages.

An excellent series of posts

I love her blog to begin with but Army Blogger Wife is staring down another deployment and has begun a series of Deployment Questions.

I hope you will check them out and add some feedback.  Because going through the comments really is fascinating.  Sarah has talked about how deployments are like snowflakes, and ABW is capturing that so well in her posts.  

The first one deals with money, two and three are FRG questions, four deals with saying goodbye and number five is optempo and staying in.  I'll be looking forward to see what she tackles next . . .

Are You Settled?

It seems with military life, we're always "settling." I don't mean settling in the "settling for less" way. I mean settling in the sense that military life is ever-changing. Military families are always moving and settling in a new house and a new community. Settling into new friendships and relationships. Our spouses are often gone for lenghty periods of time so we settle into a routine when they leave.  And when they return, we settle into another routine. 

Settling. We do a lot of that.

At our very first SpouseBUZZ LIVE event in Killeen, Texas, we featured a panel which focused on the emotional part of military life; combat deployments, reintegration, etc. There wasn't a dry eye in the house and we had to cut off the line of spouses waiting to take the microphone because we simply ran out of time. The next few events followed much the same course. Spouses yearned to talk about the tough stuff. 

After each event, we send surveys to attendees and ask their opinions about the program to see how we can improve it. Over the past year or so, I've seen a trend develop, both with the surveys and in person at the events. Spouses aren't nearly as focused on the emotional aspect of military life. They want to laugh. They want to bond, but they don't ask many questions or offer many stories about the harder side of military life. This is interesting to me.

The military community had to pivot almost overnight after September 11. Combat deployments became the rule and not the exception. We've been at it almost nine years. The fear, worry and sleepless nights will never go away while we're at war, but based on what I've witnessed, I'm wondering if the collective community has "settled" into a new normal?

Really? He Is? Anybody ELSE want to know?

As with every war story, so goes the beginning: "There I was, and this ain't no sh**."

But first, yall know that I softly roll around in that computer no-mans-land between knowing how to use the PC and really understanding HOW the PC can be used.  So it is for me with (don't laugh) Facebook, and Twitter and .... such.  So it was with a little nonchalance that I started into a conversation which led to the shock of my life.  Call me naive, call me "not with it", but really?  There,wide-open to the world on a Facebook post, was this story...

"Hi Hon!  Can't wait to be home.  Our unit will be pulling out of Bagram at 2300 tonight, the flight is scheduled to take off at 0300 and we should be in the air by 0330 heading outta here..."

After my ears stopped spinning on my skull, and I'd cleaned up the blood that shot out of my eyes, I thought -- are unit deployments really open to the world and common knowledge?  Me thinks not.  Yet, there it was.

With great reluctance to bring this up here, but with greater fear if not brought up here -- folks, you really don't need to know this level of detail -- pls don't pressure or ask your spouse to give you these details.  They're going to be traveling for 2 days, the exact time they leave theater really isn't important.  Okay?  The bad guys are smart, real smart. Facebook for all of its abilities to be secure(d), it isn't any match for someone with the know-how, who wants to read what's being written.

It's hard to look in the mirror after an ambush when you can think, Did we give the movement timing to the bad guys?  Keep it zipped; let their return be a bit more of a surprise; as more importantly, their return is the ultimate joy.  Over&Out, MaintenanceToadOne

From the Mailbag: How Do You Do It?

Reader D needs some advice and support.

My husband is in the Marine Corps Reserves and is preparing for his deployment to Afghanistan in about a month. We don’t have kids, unless you count two hopelessly spoiled dogs, so it’s not like I will have a family to take care of while he is gone like so many other milspouses here on spousebuzz. But I do have one question:

How in the heck am I supposed to do this?

I feel bad for even asking that, he is the one who actually has to go, but I find myself at a loss. I read this site all the time and have read all the discussions posts on deployment, how you are supposed to feel, the stages that you go through, etc. I know I signed up for this, I married a Marine and knew this was going to be a part of the deal. Each time we talk about it all I can manage to do is cry. I lived on my own just fine before I met him, and now I feel like I won’t be able to function without him here. He asked me the other night what I would feel was missing with him not being here and all I could say was that I would be missing half of my heart. I want, and know, that I need to be strong for him so that he can focus on the mission and not worry about me. I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to do that.

I think D will find she's much stronger than she thinks she is. The build-up to departure day can wreak havoc on your nerves and, for me, is not the preferred method of saying good-bye. 

Words of advice for D? 

The Lesson I'll Never Learn is....

.... that they will not be home when they originally plan to be home.

I have to throw away the "Welcome Home" cake (or eat it all myself). The banner won't be hung. All of those appointments that I postponed and rearranged so I could spend at least 24 hours with my husband -- and nobody else -- will now have to be re-rearranged. The dominos are falling....

As Sarah says, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I know this, yet I continue to act as if I don't. 

I think that maybe we should institute a Redeployment +10 rule. You know, when they call and say they'll be home on Tuesday, the 23rd, you just add ten days. Of course, if I did that, my husband would arrive on time and I'd be completely unprepared. 

Sometimes, you just can't win! 

Ugh!!!!

The (Not-So) Incredible Shrinking Woman

Want to know how to shrink more than five feet in a mere instant? Get upset with your deployed husband for not getting back to you on an urgent matter only to find out a week later that your blasted email server hid some email from you. That's how!

When my husband is deployed, I leave him alone when it comes to certain decisions that need to be made, administrative issues, etc. Unless someone is dying or the house burned to the ground, I just don't see the need to bother him with things he can't do anything about, or hasn't got the time to focus on. I realize we're all different and some couples share everything during a deployment, but this method works well for us.

Last week, an urgent matter arose. I emailed my husband that nobody was dying, I didn't want to alarm him, but I needed to talk with him as soon as possible when he had the time.

Up In The Air

Although it is grammatically incorrect and it may make a nice title for a movie, the title of this post is not my favorite way for things in my life to be.  The end of deployment is upon us.  I'm not trying to be sly when I say I'm not sure when my husband will be home, but that I just know it's soon.

Not that I have to tell YOU that because you get it.

It's everyone ELSE who seems to think I'm keeping secrets.

Somehow, When I Wasn't Looking, We Became a Team

When I was busy doing the hardest thing I've ever done without my husband, it didn't take long to realize that at some point, my husband and I found our flow as a team over the many years we've been married, and the many moves we've made. For instance, about eight hours before the movers were coming, I realized something - I needed to disconnect all of the components (Direct TV, wii fit, HD receiver, speaker system, etc.) hooked up to the television set. I also needed to disconnect the computer stuff (printers, router, etc.). And what about the grill and the lawnmower?

It's not that I can't do those things. Of course I can. It's just that I didn't even consider those things because they're not usually on my to-do list. I was overwhelmed with all the obvious things that needed to be done that I didn't stop and think about the non-obvious things that my husband generally takes care of.

In the past, we've attacked a move as a team. A silent team. Each of us know our duties and we never discuss them. We just do them. 

The Hours In Between

My husband's first deployment spoiled me for how things ought to work.  As the deployment neared its end, we got word when they'd be returning.  We got frequent updates.  Then on that day, we got a call saying they had landed and were home, and that families could report to the gym in two hours.  We all showed up with signs and balloons, they marched the soldiers in, the commander gave a quick speech, and they released the soldiers into their families' loving arms.

That went like clockwork.

I have never repeated the experience.

Tick Tock

The end of a deployment is always excruciating.  You do anything you can to keep yourself busy and to stop from watching the clock.  And the last few days are the worst, the days when you're pretty sure your spouse has left the country of origin and is on the long, circuitous journey home.

And that's where I'm at...but I'm doing it while on bed rest.

Jumping the Deployment Shark

We have discussed Deployment's relationship with Murphy quite a bit.  And, even when everything that can go wrong does, there may come a time in deployment where we are lucid enough to realize that we have Jumped the Deployment Shark.

Maybe you remember the scene in Happy Days that spawned the phrase "jumping the shark", but if not, good old You Tube can refresh our memories: 

Join me after this post's jump (pun intended) to see if you, too, have jumped Deployment's Shark.

"I Won't Have to See that Damn Commercial Again."

I was talking to a fellow Army wife this weekend. Both of our husbands are currently deployed. Her husband is on the tail end of his deployment and will be home in a couple of months. While we were talking, that Pajama Gram Valentine's Day commercial came on and she said, "Best thing about February 15? I won't have to see that damn commercial again." We had a good laugh. She also said, "And did you notice on the Teddy Bear commercial, they included a soldier bear this year?"

Valentine's Day has never really been that important of a day for me, but I got where she was coming from. She doesn't begrudge all the happy couples their celebration of love this year, but the commercial saturation just reminded her -- over and over again --  that her other half isn't around.

So, anyone else happy to wake up tomorrow morning and not see commercials featuring bears, hearts, candy, flowers, candles, lingerie and blissfully happy couples?  

As for me, I'm always happy to see commercials featuring chocolate. I have my stash of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Dove Dark Chocolate in the refrigerator. And for all the benefits of having your partner home, and there are many, there are also benefits to not having them home. Like having the chocolate all to yourself.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the chocolate is calling....

Um, Hello? Snowmaggedon Here!

Last night I got a phone call from Air Force Guy.   He said, quite brightly, "So, I see you're getting some snow!"

Have You Been Through Deployment?

Are you a spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, parent or sibling of a servicemember who has been or is currently deployed?  If your answer is yes, then this (portions of it, if not all of it) will likely touch you. 

You are not alone within your experiences or feelings.  And sometimes the best feeling in the world is to know that you are not alone.

The Predictably Unpredictable Army Strikes Again....

....but there is good news, folks!

My husband has been TDY on many, many occasions throughout our marriage. I wish now that I had kept track of it because I don't know if my guesstimate of 3-4 years is on target. As for non-TDY, more permanent deployment bye-byes, we've had two. One for a year and one for seven months. Both times, we had ample warning. Both times we knew approximately when he was leaving. Both times, the house became cluttered for weeks with gear that would accompany my husband to his destination. On both occasions, I had time to process what was happening, and prepare for it. 

A couple of weeks ago, my husband came home late at night, quickly packed, and was gone the next morning. It was so odd. 

They Ache

This deployment has flown by for me because I've been distracted with my pregnancy.  It's a major event that keeps my mind off missing my husband.  When I do think of him, they've been self-centered or baby-centered thoughts: I wish he were here to feel the baby kick, or fetch me a glass of water, or discuss middle names in person.  I've also tried to come up with some silver linings for why it's better that I've been alone all this time.  And I have contingency plans in case my husband doesn't make it home in time; I've assured him that I am capable of doing this myself and that the baby and I will be fine if he can't make it.

I've tried to be mindful of how he must feel too, to be so far away while his only child is growing and developing.  To miss out on ultrasounds and milestones.  But after I got lukewarm responses to the ultrasound and pictures of my belly that I emailed to him, I figured he's a guy and maybe they don't care about that stuff as much as I would.

But then he wrote me an email one night that broke my heart.  He was lonely and homesick and let down his guard: he said that he longs to be here with me and the baby and that he's "jealous of [my] privilege" to be near her, even when it is uncomfortable.  It was unbelievably touching.

I think it's easy to dismiss our husbands as being "just a guy" who doesn't care about the tender moments.  They may not let on, but I think it probably affects them deeply to be away from us and their children.  I would've never imagined my husband saying that he "aches" to be near his unborn daughter, but he did.

And it made me fall in love with him all over again.

Hearts Aren't For Sleeves

I can tell the end of this deployment is in sight.

Aside from the long to-do lists, the bags beneath my eyes, the new white hairs popping up all over my head (note to self:  root touch-up tomorrow night...STAT!), and my constant desire for but inability to sleep, I'm also not explaining myself anymore.

I've kind of decided it isn't anyone's business what's going on with me and, especially if you don't know me, if you have an issue with how my show is running at this point?  Well, too bad.

It's The Little Things

Most of the time, I deal with the absence of a spouse pretty well.  I think.  But occasionally, some odd thing will make the absence feel huge.

Tonight, I went to a kids' school event and walked out with a couple we know fairly well.  They always seem very happy and stable in their marriage even if they aren't the most affectionate people on the planet.  They had arrived in separate cars and were splitting up for the drive home.  We chatted for a few minutes and then said goodbye.  As I began to walk away, I caught it out of the corner of my eye:  a tender exchange, a quick kiss while they thought no one was looking, and obvious happiness that they'd be together again after a short drive home.  It was all I could do to keep the tears on the inside as I walked back to my car. 

Admittedly, I'm a little hormonal right now, and feeling a little crazy as the remaining weeks of this deployment alternately look like hours or more years.  I suddenly realized how much I missed those moments.  I reminded myself that it's almost over, and that I'm lucky to have such a marriage in the first place, and all the usual things that are supposed to cheer me up.  It did work, and I got over it (until now...I'm crying again as I type this...bad hormones.)  I guess this is my reminder to appreciate the little things.

Yeah, Sure

My husband is scheduled to come home next month.  Whooo!  He's been talking about the day that they come home:  travel arrangements, return to work, leave schedules, etc.  For obvious reasons (as in:  it won't stay the same), I tried my hardest to ignore any reference to days or dates, but eventually I had no choice.  We are traveling to meet him at the return and we need hotel reservations.  Plus, I'm one of the ombudsmen and I really need to act like I know what's going on.

So I asked for the estimated date, and put it in my brain.  Then my kids asked if I knew.  I started with a long speech about how dates don't mean anything, and they probably didn't even want to know, but finally I told them the date.  I have mentioned to several people that it seems silly to organize a party when they will never return as planned, though it would be worse to organize nothing.  That was several weeks ago.  The ombudspeoples are planning their stuff, and the people in this house are getting excited.  Only four more weeks!  Only four weeks minus one day!  I'm sure you know the next line in this story.

Today's email was titled:  Homecoming Day Change.  For one brief moment, I envisioned a surprise early return.   (Insert sarcastic chuckling here.)  No, no, of course, not.  We're still weeks out and they're already delayed by several days.  Instead of a convenient weekend afternoon, we're looking at a weekday evening.  I knew it was coming but it still surprised me.  (How is that even possible?)  I'm sure there will be several more schedule adjustments before those boots hit the ground.

It seems that the only sure way to get them home on time is to fail to prepare for it.  Perhaps I should stop shaving my legs, let the house fall apart, and overschedule the kids and myself.  He's sure to come home then, right?

A Due Date Is As Sketchy As Redeployment...

Planning for a baby to arrive is as bad as planning for the end of a deployment...

In 2008 my husband was supposed to arrive home from Iraq on a Monday.  Instead we got updates all week long about when they'd actually arrive.  By the time they did show up, it was late Friday night.  And a few of the parents who had come into town to spend a week with their single soldier would have to leave to fly home the next day.  They wasted their whole week in town waiting for their child to return from Iraq.  I felt so bad for them.

And now I find myself remembering this as I'm trying to organize family coming into town, because my husband is (probably) returning from deployment right at the same time as I'll be giving birth to our baby.  Unless he's late.  Or the baby's late.  Or the baby's early.  Or he doesn't get permission to come home after all.

How early should my mom come just in case my husband's not there?  I don't want to be in the delivery room alone, but I also don't want to have her come out too early if I'll follow standard wisdom and carry my first baby well past my due date.  And when do I arrange for my in-laws to come?  They'll want to see their son for the first time in over a year, and also their new grandbaby, but when do I tell them to buy plane tickets?  This stuff is hard to arrange in advance, and everyone lives 1000+ miles away.  Including my husband!

Having a baby is like the end of a deployment: you know it's going to happen sometime, but the window of possibility seems mighty big when you're trying to make plans around it.