A Tale of Two Civilians

Actually, it is really a tale of three civilians, but two of them work together.

Gallows Humor: The Milspouse Version

gallows humor
Function: noun
Date: 1901
: humor that makes fun of a life-threatening, disastrous, or terrifying situation

At SpouseBUZZ LIVE Camp Pendleton, we began a discussion about funny or odd things that we've heard from civilians. Before I knew it, we were off in a different direction, that's the nature of our LIVE events and that's one thing that makes them so interesting, but I wanted to revisit this topic here on the blog and add a few things that I wanted to say Saturday, but didn't get a chance to say.

Service members, police officers and fire fighters often laugh about things that would freak the average person out, or even offend them. In many ways, it's a coping mechanism. Milspouses have their own version of gallows humor, especially when it comes to some of the questions and comments we get from civilians. Laughing at them, or rolling our eyes, doesn't mean we hold civilians in contempt, far from it. So many big-hearted civilians have supported our troops and their families though some very difficult times, and continue to do so, and we sincerely appreciate the support. 

But we can still laugh. And we do. And we are not laughing at other people as much as we're laughing at the how very unique our lives are and how hard it must be for the average person to relate to our circumstances. Sarah mentioned that when she was stationed in Germany, someone thought that soldiers commuted from Iraq to Germany on the weekends during the war. A couple of weeks ago, someone said to me that my husband must be making a lot of "overtime money." To us, that is hysterical.

The power of persistence

Remember this? 

I had another conversation with the same woman as before about the master HOA's requirements before I worked out in the gym room at the clubhouse this morning.  They were willing to accept Stretch's military ID in lieu of a Driver's License showing his current address.  They wondered if I would be willing to get a state-issued ID (not a Driver's License), though.  Apparently, they are only $10.  We talked a bit longer and I finally understood that their main objective was to prevent people from renting a place for only a week or a month at a time. 

Well, we have a lease that says otherwise.  We have a tenancy approval letter from our HOA (it falls under the master HOA).  All our bills come to this address, but they won't accept them as proof that we actually live there.

I did my workout while stewing over all this.  In fact, I barely noticed when I was running.  And that is saying quite a lot, folks!

Afterward, I approached the woman again.  I don't know if it was because I was sweaty and probably stinky or because of my badgering persistence.  The conversation didn't go particularly well. 

Me:  I just want to clarify:  You're willing to cut my husband a break but not me?

Her:  We just wondered if you'd be willing to get a [state] ID.  Just forget it.

Me:  It's the principle...

Her:  Just forget it!

I had planned to explain that it didn't make sense to make an exception for Stretch because he's in the military but not for me because I'm not when we're married.  I have an ID that has both our names on it showing that we are married.  I had planned to tell her that I felt I was being discriminated against for being married to someone in the military.  The list went on but she clearly didn't want to hear any of it. 

That's okay, though. 

Because I won.

I don't mean to be a problem child...

...really, I don't!    But I think I may be in HOA, um, H-E-double hockey sticks (trying to keep that G rating, folks!)

I may have mentioned that we currently live in Civilian Land.  Even worse, we live in a gated community.  It has an HOA, of course.  We had to renew our lease at the beginning of the summer which also meant renewing our transponders that get us in the gate without having to go through the guard.  Now, it seems that we have to re-register everything again next month because everyone has to do it then.  Apparently, they do this every two years.

This wouldn't be so bad, except I had to go and ask what we needed to do.  As I looked at the overly long list of required documents we have to bring to get this done, one requirement caught my eye.  We need to have valid driver's licenses with our current address. 

As often as we've moved, my driver's license has rarely had my current address on it.  To make matters worse, I had just gotten a license in our previous state less than a year before moving here last year.  We knew coming to this state that we'd only be here two years.  So I made sure that it wasn't required that either of us get a driver's license in this state.  (Some states don't require it of the service member but do require it of the spouse.)   I'm sorry, but there's no way I am spending the money  going to the effort of getting yet another driver's license when I still have years left on my currently valid license.  Especially since state law does not require it!    

When I told the woman to whom I was speaking in no uncertain terms that neither I nor my husband would be getting drivers' licenses in this state, she looked a bit taken aback.  She even said they weren't told what to do if someone refused to do something.  To her credit, she tried to find out if there was a military exception to the rule and then took my information to refer the question to someone on the board.  She probably didn't think it would be a good idea to give me the man's phone number when I asked for it.  And she might've been right.

At least THIS time, if I end up starting trouble, Stretch won't get called on the carpet with his boss...

The Ugly Truth

This post has been riding with me for awhile.  I've rolled this around, considered not posting it, considered curbing some of the truths, and then became comfortable enough with the truth that I determined I could handle whatever comments people may want to lob my way. 

Now That's Can't Be Normal!

A few weeks ago my husband brought home a piece of paper he received after his records were reviewed when he transferred into a new detachment.

The piece of paper said (paraphrased):  Your qualification on the Uzi has been revoked because you have failed to requalify within the required amount of time.

After several hours of having seen that paper and not noticed anything unusual about it, I realized that the fact that we had that paper in our house and didn't see anything unusual about it was probably *not normal.*

On the other hand, it is OUR normal.  Just like moving every few years, decorating our house like  Middle Eastern Applebee's, and eating copious amounts of delicious Afghan food.  It's very odd to my family and quite a few of my friends from "before", but it is our normal.

In fact, I realized that a lot of the things that are "our normal" are so, well, normal for us that I never even notice they might be off until a socially awkward situation develops (see also:  ruck - humping; misuse of).  Since I'm all about preventative measures to avoid embarrassing situations (like it ever works for me), I'd like to hear things you've discovered about the military that don't always translate to the outside world.

What's your normal?

Is That...?

The microwave repairman just left my house.  He wasn't much less perplexed when he left than when he walked in (and he has to return next Tuesday to install the proper piece, too). 

The poor man had no idea what he was getting into when he took this appointment call.  He was obviously quite disconcerted to walk into my entryway, glance into the dining room, and see a giant poster of Saddam Hussein on the wall.

A couple hours well spent

My husband picked up his gear last week for his upcoming deployment.  So I watched as he spent some time taking off tags and stickers and trying stuff on and packing and repacking.  There was some ooh-ing and aah-ing.  His sleeping bags (officially called something ridiculously acronym-tastic that I forget) need to be repacked because his attempt to make them more (and more) compact was a bit of a fail. 

But the thing that struck me the most as he was pulling things out of his bags, was his reaction to the gas mask.

"This is the coolest gas mask I've ever been issued!"

And I can't do justice to the enthusiasm and joy his voice conveyed.

We all have gear stories, so feel free to share the things your spouse may say or do that just makes you smile and reaffirm your love, however dorky it may be.

My Explanation

This weekend I was very blessed - not only did I get to attend the Milblog Conference in DC, but I got to sit on one of the panels.  And with Lily Burana, no less!  Let me tell you, she is every bit as funny, charming, and down to earth in person as you would guess.  Love.  Her.

But I've been thinking about one question from the conference ever since - mulling it over in my mind and dissecting my own answer.  I've been trying to really define what I was trying to express in a way that someone who is not a member of the military can understand without feeling as though the answer itself was an attack (I'm pretty sure that the military folks there "got it").

The question, paraphrased, was this: (see live blog here) I hear that the MSM has failed the military community.  Why do you think that is the case?    I hear there are all kinds of communities that feel the media has failed them. 

George Burns Had It Right

I was shopping for a card a few years ago and saw a great one emblazoned with a quote by George Burns on it:

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Of course, this quote is the preface to yet another story involving my mother-in-law.

Oh, Those Civilians!

We all have funny (and not so funny) (and irritated) (and angry) civilian stories.  How many of us have told a civilian friend about an impending deployment and been asked in all seriousness, "Can't he just say no?" 

It's happened a lot.

We live in a primarily civilian community right now and it's been a bit of a sad adjustment for me to life off base.  I miss many aspects of base life - the safety of my children and their ability to run around and play free range, knowing all my neighbors, and the support I got during deployments.

But yesterday I had a very interesting exchange with my civilian neighbor.

You Know You've Been Air Force Too Long When

You have a conversation like this:

Wha? Not all Military Dads are The Great Santini? No......

We've often talked about how misconceptions among civilians regarding military life can be both funny and frustrating. This weekend, I found another example, although this time it came from someone who has had 20 years of exposure to military life, she's the mother of a soldier.

My girlfriend called me to say that her mother-in-law had flown in to spend some time with her and the kids after my friend's husband deployed. My friend has a son who is currently sporting one of those hairstyles that boys like these days. I have to say, I must be getting old because every time I see this hairstyle on a guy, I have to suppress the urge to whip out a barrette and pin back the hair hanging in their eyes. I don't mind long hair, I just like to see your eyes. 

It seems the mother-in-law isn't too fond of this style, either. But for a different reason.  

When Militarese Goes Wrong

It was bound to happen sometime -  the fact that my first language fluency is Militarese has gotten me into a bit of a job pickle.

Well, it's not really a pickle.  But there was a brief situation of concern.

The View From Below

At SpouseBUZZ LIVE San Antonio, we had a discussion about civilian misconceptions of military life. It was really very entertaining. My adult family and friends have a better understanding of military life since I became a milspouse, but apparently their understanding hasn't trickled down to the next generation.

A few weeks ago, my nephew and niece were visiting. My nephew, who is nine, looked at me and asked if my husband makes me do push-ups. "Does he say, drop and give me twenty, Aunt Andi?" Funny how the little ones tend to equate all military men with Drill Sergeants, isn't it?   

I laughed and said, "Well no, of course not, I make him do push-ups."

I think my nephew is duly confused now....

The Wrong Thing Is Better Than Nothing At All

The last time I had a miscarriage, the phone rang off the hook.  Everyone called to check on me, to give me condolences, and to share optimism that next time would turn out better.

This time the house has been eerily silent.  The only calls have been from one of my aunts, and Andi.

Tricare Through Civilian Eyes

I wrote two weeks ago about giving life-altering news over the phone to my husband in Iraq.  First I had to tell him I was pregnant.  Then I had to tell him the nurse said we'd probably lose the baby.  Then I got to happily tell him that I'd had an ultrasound and saw our baby's little heartbeat.

And then Thursday I had to tell him that the baby has died and that I have to miscarry without him.

I promise I'm not writing this post so I get a comments section full of sympathy (though it's nice and it does help.)  I'm writing it because it's related to something kinda funny.

No Time Off From War

A civilian relative of mine recently asked me about my husband's deployment, specifically what his schedule was like.  I said that he's been working 10 AM to midnight.  She said, "So he works like three days in a row then?"  Huh?  It took me a second before I realized that she was tallying up the hours, trying to get him to work a 40-hour week.  Ha.  I politely but kinda forcefully said that, in fact, he works all seven days of the week, as do most other deployed servicemembers.

Building Bridges

We, have posted a lot here at SpouseBuzz about our military community, and the frustration we feel when it seems as though the bridge to the civilian community is out.  We have also talked about how tremendous community support is, and how to encourage it.   Bridge building can be satisfying. 

There is nothing better for the military community, than feeling support from the outside.  It makes our jobs, and our life more meaningful. 

Many of you in the National Guard, and Reserve community, have a great opportunity over the next few weeks, this is a great opportunity for us to say THANK YOU! 

Oh, Well...Not so Bad, Then?

I have an update to my old Those Wacky Civilians post.

I ordered pizza recently. The bubbly, bouncy, beautiful girl (BBB) who delivered my pizza needed my driver's license number.

Ours

I've had this conversation often enough that my head no longer spins around like I'm demon possessed.  I've also have many reactions to it, ranging from sudden understanding to complete and angry denials and a decision that I need to be "schooled" on the matter.

And it all starts when people ask what I "do" and I say, "We're Air Force."

Overheard at the Mall

This is something that seriously qualifies for urban legend status and a Snopes entry all its own.  Really.  It really does.

Except that I was there, I really overheard it; and it actually had ME, the one person on Earth who can usually be counted on to run off her big mouth no matter what the situation and whether appropriate or not, to be stunned into utter silence.

Road Trip and "togetherness"

DH and I recently took a road trip of more than 2600 miles - from Seattle, WA to western PA!  He was TDY for the summer and I flew out to WA to meet him so we could drive back together, minus the children!  Something we've never done before.  The kiddos went to Grandma's and DH and I would spend a whole week+ together in the truck... and I was hoping we would survive the trip without one of us hitch-hiking the rest of the way home!

We managed to make it home, both of us together, and we still like each other!  That may sound rather harsh in context, but I am sure other milspouses can identify in some way with the feeling of "too much togetherness."  I'll explain what I mean...

Tune In On This One!

I'm watching one of my Dog the Bounty Hunter marathons today, and just as I was getting ready to get up and clean my house I see the promos for this:

Gene Simmons Loves the Military!

I'm watching the episode right now, and it just feels good.  A&E replays their episodes a few times during the week, and usually offers them On Demand.  Why not watch?  It feels good to have someone walk in our shoes! 

It might be a little late to catch it the first time on the East Coast - but look for it at four on the West Coast!

Re: You Want My Life?

I just received an email from a civilian in response to my post below. I started to simply update the post, but then decided it would be best to devote an entire post to this email. I also thought I would get this post up now in case other civilians are reading, and have the same questions/concerns (sorry to hog the blog today).

Mrs. X had questions, and I assured her you would have answers. With the permission of Mrs. X, I'm publishing her email.

Ben Stein Rules

OK, my turn.  As I was reading RedLegMeg's Letter to a Military Spouse, I was reminded of another uplifting letter that's a couple years old.  This one was written by Ben Stein.  Remember him, the monotone teacher on Ferris Bueller's Day Off?  He's currently one of the most active supporters of military families, and he's not all full of himself like many celebrities are.  He actually emailed me once when I wrote about him on my blog, and I know he's contacted several other spouses in the past too.  He's a heck of a guy.

Here's his letter, called Strength At Home.

P.S.  If you've never read the often-forwarded How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World, you should.  And more Ben Stein articles can be found at his website.

Yeah - They Dug Me

I can't tell you how often I'm inspired to writing from things I read in the comments here at SpouseBuzz.  I think, though, that's rather the point.  It's like a virtual family dinner, in which everyone talks, laughs, interacts, agrees, disagrees, and sometimes gets huffy (that would probably be me); but always comes back for more because, lets face it, we're family and no matter how little or much we like each other, we're there for each other.  Because often we're all we've got.

Heather S. had a great comment here asking what our experiences with military-friendly, and un-friendly, companies were.  Boy do I have some stories on that one!  And boy, am I sure no one's surprised.

Sharing our lives

I want to share my own views regarding Andi's post about civilians wanting to help military families and the many comments that were made on this post.  These are MY views, and I don't expect everyone to like or agree with what I have to say.  I am not out to disrespect anyone's personal views or experiences with the military.  I just feel compelled to share...

A Good Samaritan saves the day!

I intended to post about this, but after reading GBear's post about snow etiquette, I figured now was a good time.

DH and I returned home from Walter Reed (he had surgery on his hand) to 12+ inches of snow in our driveway - and don't forget the layers of ice in between the layers of snow!!!  As mentioned, DH had surgery and his left hand is in a cast.  He was shoveling one-handed while I was doing my best to shovel and break up the ice (I have a bad back, hence my medical discharge from the Army a while back).  We were both tired, cranky, sore, etc. and we started biting each other's heads off.  Then I managed to get the truck stuck in the snow, which really started the "snowball of bickering."  And we still had to go to our friends' house to pick up our kids!

Civilian to Militarese - Chapter Two

Even my 65 year old auntie knows what  a REMF is. 

However, when my fourteen year old recently got in trouble with MySpace and I was discussing the issue with my auntie, she had no idea what I meant when I said, "Hubby and I are planning her 'Come to Jesus' talk tonight."

Apparently, I learned later from other family members, she thought we were going to take her to a revivalist tent meeting.

I Heart Civilians

Some commenters have noted that civilians sometimes get a not entirely deserved bad rap around military families.

True, civilians do not always comprehend the challenges the military family faces, but many times they open their hearts to us with such generosity.

My daughter's baptism was one of those cases.

May I Check the Bilingual Box?

I have become a verber.

Please understand, my grandmother spend 35 years teaching college preparatory English.  She used to grade the letters we sent her and send them back to us with corrections.  To this day, our conversations are peppered with things like, "I am so tired I just want to go lay down."

"Lie down.  You want to lie down.  You LAY the book down, but you lie down."

My "verbing" drives my Grandmother crazy, and it's all the fault of my being a military spouse.

Re: Honorable Civilians

Joan D'Arc's post about Honorable Civilians reminds me of a great story. A week or so before September 11, I ordered my husband a large-screen television for his birthday/early Christmas present. The television was due to arrive several days after 9/11, but it arrived early. I was at home and received a phone call stating that the television had arrived. I mumbled a fib to my husband and left to pick it up.

The television was quite large, and the box was enormous. There was absolutely no way the box was going to fit in my car, and my husband's car was even smaller. I asked the guys who were trying to load it, to take the television out of the box. Still didn't fit. We kept trying to cram it in. The scene was something akin to the scene in Cinderella where the evil step-sisters were trying desperately to fit their clunky feet into Cinderella's glass slipper.

All the while, an older woman was parked in front of me in the loading zone, quietly observing the hoopla. She approached and listened to my conversation with the employees of the store, who told me that I might want to go to Home Depot and rent a truck.

Honorable Civilians

Let me start off by saying that I definitely agree most civilians "just don't get" the military lifestyle.  There have been a number of great posts and comments on the blog about the ignorance of some civilians.  BUT... on the flip side, I must say that I have come across numerous civilians that I consider "honorable."

My husband and I now live in a non-military town.  He is an ROTC instructor at a university that is about 3 hours away from an actual military post.  Needless to say, my husband is one of a few people in this town that is on active duty and wears his uniform to work.  Almost every time I have been out with him in public, SOMEone stops, shakes his hand, and thanks him for his service.  And sometimes they thank me as well.  It always puts a smile on my face and makes me so proud to be married to my husband.  And it also makes me happy to know that although non-military folk do not understand our lifestyle - many of them DO understand the sacrifices (or at least appreciate them).  THOSE civilians are honorable in my book.

Civilian Bloopers - Part II

I have a feeling I'm going to be adding to my original post, Those Wacky Civilians, quite often. Unlike my first post, the civilian featured in this post didn't say anything outrageous. In fact, her comment was understandable, but it's proof that most civilians don't understand the difference between a move and a PCS move.

Last week I was speaking to a non-military friend of mine. She just finished moving into a new house, which was ten miles from her old house.

"You are so lucky that you have the Army to move you."

Yes, I suppose I am, but a PCS move is about much more than packing and loading boxes, it's never a run-of-the-mill move, and I've yet to move to a location "just down the road."

On the Receiving End of Support

My husband and I just returned from three years in Germany.  Overall, our local German community was extremely nice to Americans and very accomodating.  Our on-post community was tight-knit and supportive, especially during deployment time.  I felt lucky that most of my neighbors were going through the same thing I was.  We have absolutely zero complaints about any of our surrounding communities, but one thing I think we missed out on was that great activity known as "support the troops."

Yesterday I took my parents to the South 21 Drive-In.  (I'm a huge fan of Feasting on Asphalt, so I've been trying to retrace Alton Brown's footsteps wherever I can.)  Our carhop was a delightful man who's been working at the drive-in for 40+ years.  And his son is an infantryman stationed in Italy.  We instantly got that military connection, and he began to heap praise on us.  And my husband wasn't even there!  He started bringing us free fries and drinks, and he kept saying that we military folks have to take care of each other.

It was fun to have someone single us out for being in the military.  When my husband came home to Germany for R&R, he didn't get any welcomes at the airport or pats on the back in restaurants, as I've heard many stateside servicemembers get.  Our American neighbors had their own soldiers to lavish with praise, and the Germans couldn't be expected to care one way or the other.  So R&R and his return from Iraq passed with little fanfare.  Obviously he couldn't care less and doesn't want anyone to fawn over him, but I sure get tickled when people do!  I like when they show their pride and thank him for his service.  I like when he gets recognition for the job he does.  There's nothing I like better than to hear someone gush about my husband.

So, especially since he wasn't even with us at the drive-in, I was sure flattered to be treated special for being a military family.  It's fun to see American civilians show their support, and not just when it means free fries!  We love any show of thanks or attaboys you can give our husbands and wives for the job they're doing downrange.

Do you have any good stories about civilians rolling out the red carpet for your military spouses?

Are Milspouses Caged Animals?

Last night, I read a very funny and creative expression of what it's like to be a milspouse from the perspective of one Marine wife. Trust me, you don't want to miss this.... 

Those Wacky Civilians

A civilian recently asked me what percentage of married life had my husband and I spent apart from one another. I've been luckier than most, but anything over 20% garners a gasp. Then a pause. Then a smile. Then, "oh, so that's why you have such a happy marriage."

Yeah, that's it....

In 2000, my husband pulled a year-long unaccompanied tour in the Middle East. When I told my girlfriend, a civilian with no exposure to the military, that my husband would be leaving for a year, she looked at me and said, "What do you mean he's going without you? They can't do that, can they?"

Yes.They.Can.

And the best worst civilians-don't-get-it story came earlier this year when I was trying to close on a real estate transaction while my husband was deployed. I needed a document from him, a document that was very difficult to obtain (more on this later). I tried to explain to the person seeking the document that my husband was located in a "dedicated combat zone", hoping that the explanation might shed some perspective on the situation. It didn't. I was told that my husband could simply drop the document in a FedEx box.

Of course. Why didn't I think of that? I understand the FedEx camel trots by twice a day.   

Civilians are amusing sometimes, are they not?