Entitled Dependent — You Only “Served” Dinner

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Racial slurs. Personal attacks. Liberal use of the F-Bomb. It’s one of my sexiest jobs to cut that crap off Spousebuzz– and stop cutting just before readers call me a Censor. Or a Nazi. Or a Nazi-Censor-clad-in-nothing-but-my-Thought-Police-jackboots.

Which is, in fact, a good look for me.

So I was paying attention when a chief’s wife dared to mention in the comments section of a post that she, too, served. Replies rained down upon her like she had taken up work in the sanitary department of a chicken factory. One guy accused, “Entitled dependent, you only served dinner.”

I hate that stuff. It blemishes our online community. Then again, I love that stuff. That’s the stuff the most profound schooling in our community is made of. In my sociology classes, they taught us to pay attention to the unwritten rules that a society enforced most fiercely.

The rule we enforce:  Thou Shalt Not Be Dependent.

You can pose nude for a calendar. You can live apart from your servicemember. You can raise 56 cats in a one bedroom apartment. Who cares about that? But do not, under any circumstance, be dependent in any way upon your servicemember.

Do not admit you are a stay-home parent. Do not admit that the moves make your career difficult. You must especially never, never imply that you have supported your servicemember’s career in any way.

Even if your soldier has deployed six times in the past ten years for at least nine months at a time.

Even if you are one of those trained Army FRG leaders or command spouses who steps up to help someone through the injury or death of their soldier or Marine.

Even if you delivered twins on your own during a month-long Alaskan blizzard at Elmendorf AFB while your airman was TDY in Tampa, do not mention it.

According to the unwritten rules of the military, you must never admit that you and your servicemember and the military are entwined in any way.

What is wrong with being dependent?

Of all the things that matter in military life, why would people be so intensely against being dependent on each other?

Some of our readers have said that it isn’t the dependency so much as the degree of dependency. Others have said that servicemembers who have had the worst marriages are the ones enforcing the anti-dependent rule. Which I guess I can understand.

But still, I have to wonder what work the anti-dependent rule is doing? Sometimes I think we look at these ultra-competent partners of military members and accuse them of dependency so that we don’t have to look at where the real dependency lies—with the servicemember.

I do not, in any way, mean that as a slur. I’m saying that the nature of life in the military makes some serious physical demands on servicemembers. Look how hard it is to figure out what you are going to do with your truck during a year long deployment. Look how hard it is to find someone to keep your dog for a month while you are out on sea trials or in the field. How easy is it to find someone who will keep your kid—even for one night –when you have the duty?

No one has to get married in the military. But if a servicemember wants children, pets, love– they need to depend on a partner.  The partner needs to depend on them.  The dependence can be economic, physical, intellectual, social, emotional or all of the above.  It’s a marriage.

What’s wrong with that?  I interview a lot of long married military couples. One thing I consistently see is how these successful couples split the duties of a life built inside the military and split the credit.

I heard these spouses say things like “our” benefits. “Our” deployment. When “we”  got orders. I also hear them talk about how they can’t imagine their servicemember doing any other kind of work.

I hear their servicemembers say stuff like, “I could not have done it without her.” Or, “The kids turned out so great because of her—she did all the work.”

I’m starting to wonder whether the key to a good military marriage is a healthy degree of dependency on each other.  There also might be an element of sharing the credit for a life well lived with your partner. What does a little dependency take away from the accomplishment of a servicemember’s career?  Nothing.  And it may even mean that they have a life to come home to when the military career is done.

So maybe the things I ought to add to the list of things to edit is this criticism of a life that is interdependent. If that is what works, it is a disservice to criticize, attack and condemn dependency.  Maybe we ought to just look at it a little harder to figure out how it works.

 

 

 

About the Author

Jacey Eckhart
Jacey Eckhart is the former Director of Spouse and Family Programs for Military.com. Since 1996, Eckhart’s take on military families has been featured in her syndicated column, her book The Homefront Club, and her award winning CDs These Boots and I Married a Spartan?? Most recently she has been featured as a military family subject matter expert on NBC Dateline, CBS morning news, CNN, NPR and the New York Times. Eckhart is an Air Force brat, a Navy wife and an Army mom. Find her at JaceyEckhart.net.

54 Comments on "Entitled Dependent — You Only “Served” Dinner"

  1. sabrinacking | July 8, 2013 at 2:16 pm |

    Where to begin…let's begin with, you're spot on. Let's continue with…I can't ever wrap my head around anyone's logic who thinks a military family's lifestyle does not indeed involve the entire family. And in fact, it does require sacrifices from the entire family, and in the best of those families the entire family also serves..not just as volunteers etc, but as a Hadrian of light to other families. As a "look people are successful at this". I could say a lot more…but if being a dependapotamus means sitting on casualty assistance, running an FRG, running cub scouts when all the men were deployed, standing strong during 5 long hard year long combat tours of my husband, giving birth TWICE alone, raising a baby who spent nearing two months in NICU while my husband was in Korea, finishing my Bachelors then Masters in different states, then you know what? I am the biggest, fattest dependapotamus out there.

  2. Mary Douglas | July 8, 2013 at 4:01 pm |

    Here here! Love this one!

  3. the first mel | July 8, 2013 at 4:31 pm |

    The issue isn't the dependency upon each other, it's the belief that one is serving the military because of the marriage to a servicemember. I am married to a Marine and I would never claim to serve too. What I do is for my marriage and my family, not for the Marine Corps. I'll even go as far to say that I do not do this for my country. Yes, I'm selfish. I want to spend my life with my husband and if that means I have to deal with moving, separations, and assorted other issues to be with him, then what is what I will deal with. I can completely understand why the statement, "I serve too" raises people's hackles. What I do does not compare to what my husband endures as a Marine.

  4. Elizabeth | July 8, 2013 at 4:52 pm |

    Amen. I tried to keep my career alive but between the economy and the frequent employment gaps I have become one of these dependent stay-at-home spouses. The jobs out there for moms like me don’t pay for child care. The military cut backs hit us especially hard because the best pool of jobs for us on bases are drying up like a puddle in the desert. Thank you for explaining our unique situation so well.

  5. I totally agree with this article!

  6. In April, we celebrate the Month of the Military Child, with the mantra that "Kids Serve Too". Why is it okay to honor kids that way, but taboo to say that about an adult?

  7. Jacey,
    Excellent article.

    I guess I missed the point in the original comment where service automatically meant 'equal in every way/shape/form to military service'.

    You're right, there's many kinds of service, and my spouse and I trip over each other trying to say which one has done more service to each other/the family/the military institution/the community in different situations.

  8. Honestly, isn't this a problem with our society in general? How many women are shamed into working because they don't want to be ONLY a stay at home mom(and wind up in a job that barley covers child care, so they are only working so that they can pay someone else to raise their kid?!)? Are you kidding me!?!?! We are raising the next generation! Its not something that we should ALLOW ourselves to be looked down on for! Between keeping house, making meals, school events (or homeschooling), community events, and running the children around to their 12 million activities (they have to be well rounded after all!), its amazing that we even have time to shower! Add to that the fact that while your spouse is gone you are also the ONLY one able to do any errands, make important family decisions with little input from your spouse, move your family when necessary, ect, so on and so forth……. I truly and honestly hope that not a single women, military or not feels lesser because they stay home. You are in a marriage, you are one 1/2 of a whole. Without you doing your job, he wouldn't be able to do his! In our society we have morphed marriage into this idea that it is two separate people co existing…. its no wonder divorce is over 50%! Rely on your man the same way he relies on you. You are NO Lesser, you are a woman with the hardest job of all! You hold it all together, without a single hour or day off, EVER! You are the Ying to his Yang, it truly takes both roles to have a family that works!

  9. inSANEmom | July 9, 2013 at 8:52 am |

    Even among men and women in the military, the level of “service” varies. An admin/finance specialist does not serve in the same way as a an infantryman. The cook does not serve in the same was as the pilot. Some jobs are difficult and life threatening, even in training. Other jobs are less stressful with little to no threat of danger. Does that make one more important to the overall running of the unit or the military as a whole? NO! We can’t win wars or protect this country without soldiers on the ground and in the air. But those soldiers won’t last long without the cooks or without pay. That how I look at my roll as a military wife of now 20+ years. I serve my country by supporting my husband’s career (being involved in his unit, moving 10 times in 20 years, sucking it up during multiple deployments, etc), by the volunteer work I do that supports the military community and be educating and raising children who may decide to follow their father’s footsteps and become soldiers themselves. I’m not looking for special recognition… I do what I do because it’s the right thing to do. If someone finds my use of the word “serve” offensive… So be it. I’m too busy to worry about what issues they have that gets them so worked up about MY life.

  10. I'm a Navy Brat…x2. My dad served as well as my stepdad, both Chiefs. On the Fourth of July I shake the hands of the family of the service men and women and tell them "Thank you for your service." Because they serve too–WE serve too. In the way that it's our father, mother, aunt, uncle, brother and sister fighting for our freedom and they're overseas. Yes, we don't wear a uniform, we don't have to be in Afghanistan where everybody hates us, but we're fighting at home. I'm not saying that we fight just as much as our military personnel, because we clearly don't.

  11. My husband constantly tells me that without me in his life, he wouldn’t be where he is today! He also comments that he’s glad he’s not a single soldier… he “would never get any personal business accomplished!” I love being a SAH mom and wife. I’m not sure how on Earth I would have PCS’d our family on my own if I had had a “paying job” too! I’m sure I could have made it work… but I’m glad I didn’t have to!

  12. mama03wife1 | July 9, 2013 at 11:20 am |

    When myspouse was medically retired, I got a certifcate that honor my service as a spouse. He got a flag, coins, and one signed by Obama while mines was signed by Sec. of Army. Last year, the theme of MSA week at Ft. Gordon was wearing the "insvisble unifom" I have been to retreat where the Chaplin has said that spouse is Commander in Chief of Household 6 so no matter what your sponsor's rank everyone is equal.
    If you have ever work with Blue Star or Gold Star familes, you know everyone serve.

  13. Military Spouses DO serve. They serve and sacrifice their lives and those of their children for the sake of the country. Yes it is a choice, but so is JOINING the military. We are the ones taking care of everything and everybody while our spouse is away. We are the ones drying the tears from our children missing the dad they hardly knew. We are the ones crying ourselves to sleep missing the spouse we worry about. Our hearts jump at the news of a military death, quietly praying its not our own, then praying for the unfortunate family that has experienced the loss. We are the rocks holding it together. We are the fuel that drives our servicemen. They are able to keep it together because of the comfort they have in knowing that WE are keeping it together. So do we feel entitled? Yes. We are entitled to the gratitude for the sacrifices we have made. We are entitled yo the respect WE have earned. The idea that we do not deserve this is silly. I know first hand how important our service to our country is. 3 kids, full time working mom, volunteer for my local community may sound like nothing to some, but who among our fellow citizens would CHOOSE that in support of our country? Not many. We are gold stars in our own right and we deserve to be proud. As for those insisting mil spouses are riding the coattails…Think again. Many of us have our own accomplishments. I am an attorney, former political consultant, and former on air political commentator. Yet, I am most proud of THIS service to my country and to the Chief Boatswain's Mate I so proudly married. So keep your heads up my fellow spouses. As for the general population- the saying "all gave some, but some gave all" certainly applies.

  14. Interdependency is a hallmark of truly and healthy strong relationships. It is the balance of independence and dependence. This whole “dependa” bashing craze is nothing than idle minds that could be put to much better use.

  15. former spouse | July 9, 2013 at 6:07 pm |

    Have to reply to this excellent essay of yours. You know, I know my husband married me 25 years ago precisely because he COULD depend on me – I am a bit overly responsible, uber-conscientious, and highly competent. There was so much he did not have to worry about because I am what I am. So: did I contribute? and sacrifice? and 'serve' more than dinner? Absolutely. Was it worth it? Hmmm- that is another story.

  16. Love it!! Thank you!

  17. A marriage is not a marriage without dependency. Empathy or rather the lack of, is becoming a huge problem in this country. To be human is to be Vulnerable, Author Brene Brown explains it very well. Here is a link. Thank you for addressing the elephant in the livingroom.
    http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerabi

  18. ArmyGirlMP05 | July 9, 2013 at 6:52 pm |

    If you use the term”serve” as in to support your military spouse and their military career, take care of the home while they are deployed, being active in FRG to assist other military families during the hard times then yes you “serve.” The only issue I have with the use of the term is when a wife tells me I need to salute her because her husband is a LTC. Umm… Nope! In that situation the term is being used inappropriately. Those types of spouses are the only ones I have an issue with and the number of those types keep growing! Yes, there are good spouses that indeed do a lot and I am thankful for their faithfulness and support to their soldiers, But DO NOT be the one that goes around thinking that just because your husband is an E-8 or an O-7 that you also wear that rank and deserve the same perks and/or treatment! You do not put on the uniform and do their job everyday, you do not deploy and get shot at so do not go around acting like you are entitled or that you “serve” just like your husband, because they that is a different kind of serve that people need to recognize. Don’t wear your husbands rank is all I ask, because you didn’t earn it! :)

  19. Oh dear, I about saw red when I read that "you only served dinner" comment. For whomever believes that being dependent on a service is a bad thing…just remember that the dependency is a two way street. When my husband was in Iraq, and other guys wives were either running wild or cowering in a corner unable to cope, my husband was secure in the knowledge that I would handle any problems that came my way. I held down the fort, so to speak, kept all the bills paid, made sure money went into savings, and took care of any crisis that came up that he'd normally handle when he's home.
    As he's already told me, if I'm dependent on him…he's equally dependent on me. It's sad that not all military spouses are trustworthy and dependable, but the same is said of men and women across the globe, whether they are in uniform or not.

  20. I loved this piece. I am one of those women who has to keep it secret that I was the main breadwinner for the majority of our marriage. I was working 100 hour weeks so my husband could get his degree and get a commission– but I have to shut up about that. To say so would risk implying that I helped my husband get where he is today. Even if it's the truth, I am a red-eyed devil for saying it. And now? Now I have to shut up about how hard I tried to find a job– any job– after he got his commission with the Army and I had to leave my career behind. It broke my heart every time the interviewer sniffed out my Army wife status and the interview was suddenly over. Now, I am supposed to sit in shame because even after sending out 200 resumes, and going on countless interviews, I am still a SAHM. In any other society, people would let me be. I wouldn't be under the Army wife microscope. I wouldn't be made to feel like garbage for not being able to single-handedly fix the economy and provide myself with the career of my dreams. I'm not supposed to be saying any of this. I guess I am supposed to make a sandwich and count my blessings, right?

  21. I do not claim to ever been through what my husband has been through, 6 deployments all 12-15 months, all in war zones, more injuries that I can count, but if you asked my husband he would tell you that he could not do what I have done. I have 4 children, on that passed away a week before Christmas, my husband didn’t make it home for 6 months after because his job was critical. I suppose I understand that. I also raised my children on my own while not shedding a single tear in front of them through all of his injuries, all my pregnancies, which I was alone for, or three years of chemo, which I did alone, usually having to take children with me because there was no one to watch them. Days when I shouldn’t have been out of bed but I was up at 05 taking care of small children on my own and waiting on a phone call. I’ve never asked for sympathy or held anything against my husband. Now he has been medically retired, and I will for the rest of his life have to care for him, our small children, and his amputee uncle which he decided to move in with us, so yes from time to time I depend on my husband for strength, and support, but does he not depend on me?

  22. Candy King | July 9, 2013 at 7:30 pm |

    I feel sorry for the person that said the non-service member does not serve. My husband served 30 years in the Marines and he has always said I served just as much as he did. He may have gone off and fought for his country and I stayed home but we fought to keep the home going so he would have a home to come home too. I raised for sons. He was serving his country, so most of the time I had them alone. But we were very proud of his service to keep us free and he was/is very proud he had a good home and family that loved/loves him to come home too. Who ever made this statement about we not serving, I feel for his family, they aren't getting the recognition they derserve!

  23. There are some dependents that have served too…Just because they are dependents now doesn't mean they're not also veterans…

  24. Of course a military spouse blog would take the absolute extreme examples and act as if they are the norm. No one is saying do not be proud of your husband or of YOUR OWN accomplishments. When spouses act as if their service member's accomplishments are their own or they are somehow melded together into one or that their spouse's service somehow entitles them to special treatment it gives us all a bad name and annoys other spouses who actually have an identity outside their spouse and the spouse's military service.

  25. If you pay attention, much of command even thanks the wives/spouses for what they do. They say we are an important part of the army and keep the soldiers Morale up so they can focus on their duty. Spouses serve in many ways, much different from our soldiers, not specifically for our country, and not in rank or uniform, but still important.

  26. I apologize for being so unruly; however, I must disagree! With that being said, there is no way to compare a Military spouse to the job of a Service Member! Raising children is something women have done throughout history, there are single mothers in the Military who do what your husbands do AND come home to do what you have to do! I see no issue with a Military spouse staying home and taking care of the household, the problems pertain to the type of spouse who believes the the world owes her for her husbands service. As a spouse, you have to know your place!

  27. Healthy dependence is all good and well, and I don't disagree on any point you made. Solidly written, it's undeniably true that the family of a military member must deal with the uncertain schedules of the loved one. There are two main things to consider in this argument, however.

    First, the dependents are no more "serving" than a CEO's dependent is working for the corporation. The sacrifices are admirable and should in no way be scoffed at, but there is a fine line between familial sacrifice and "service".

    Second, many of us have encountered the dependent who believes that the rank of the service member is worn by the whole family. The family is deserving of respect, but not because of the service member's rank. In the same way, each service member and his or her family is deserving of equal respect regardless of the service member's rank.

    So while I agree with the points you made, I believe that the premise upon which the arguments were made is invalid and insufficiently supported.

  28. Ok, look. It seems that a lot of you are getting this all wrong. It is not the "good wives" that people have an issue with. It's the stupid, lazy, rank wearing and unfaithful ones that we have an issue with. The term "dependapotomas" is not meant to describe EVERY military spouse! It is used to describe as I stated, "the stupid, lazy, rank wearing and unfaithful" spouses that are out there. Anyone with a sane mind knows that there are great military spouses out there that greatly support their service member and are there for them during the rough times, takes care of the home while they are away, participates in the community and FRG to help other military families in need. I am THANKFUL for THOSE spouses! However, there are spouses out there that lie, cheat, and steal. There are some that somehow didn't learn how to clean when they were growing up and apparently didn't learn how to take care of anyone other than themselves. THOSE are the spouses that get bashed and called out!

  29. Continued……
    PLEASE people, understand that the stories you read about "dependopotomas'" are NOT describing EVERY military spouse, it is referring to the BAD ones. __As for the term "serve." Look, WE know that spouses do "serve" to a certain extent. A military spouse using the term "serve" isn't a bad thing and that's not what some have an issue with. What we have an issue with is when a dependent uses the term "serve" as if just because they are married to a service member that means they are in the military as well and deserve the same military customs and courtesies and actual service members do.

  30. Continued…..
    For example, a wife fussed at me and said "hey sergeant, don't you owe me a salute" I replied " ma'am I apologize but you are not in uniform and I have no idea who you are" She then replied "I am ___________ ,my husband is LTC ______" I said "Ma'am….do you mind showing me your ID card?" She shows me her dependent ID….. I gave her a blank stare and politely as I could, replied "Ma'am you are a dependent, not the service member, I am only required to salute your husband if he were here not you." In the end she stomped off, cussing me out, and tried going to my command, but of course nothing came of it. A dependent that acts like this woman did….is called a dependapotomas. This example, is NOT "serving." Just because you are married to a service member doesn't mean you are one yourself.

  31. ArmyWife2 | July 9, 2013 at 9:27 pm |

    It goes beyond just serving your own family members, but the roles many military spouses take on in "support" of service members. Most military spouses are in a service role. There is nothing wrong with saying military spouses serve; rebuttal arguments are fallacious.

  32. Continued….(last one I promise)
    You do not rate to wear the uniform, you do not deploy and get shot at, therefore you do not have the right to the rank you spouse wears, nor are you entitled to the same customs and courtesies they are. So now, everyone can relax and stop taking everything so dang personal. Everyone knows that not all spouses are bad. It's just the bad ones we don't like and make fun of! Like the ones that resale Plan B on a yard sale site, even when it says "For Clinic Use Only, not for Resale" in big letters on the front of the package. True story!

  33. TJ Johnson | July 9, 2013 at 9:44 pm |

    An easy solution, a better command of the English language! change the description from dependent to service family member! whether we are blood related or not to the service member is irrelevant, we are all part of the military family, as long as we are connected to it via the service member.

    I am British and I actually feel incorrectly addressed as a'dependent', or for that fact 'co-dependent'. I feel that a change is long overdue, lets get with the real time peeps and then solider on!

  34. Jim HaRRIS | July 9, 2013 at 10:17 pm |

    My View: Many of the nay-sayers about military dependents often turn out to have a burr in their butt about the military generally. It's like the hippie-60's era; but its just less politically correct to be "blatantly" anti-military. But many hippies and h-wannabes still carry this inner hatred for those who may have made better moral choices than they did.

  35. Jim Harris | July 9, 2013 at 10:21 pm |

    Let me hasten to add — I understand a lot of the above comments are from service people about service people and their dependents.

    My comments reflect what I observed/heard from outside "the military community."

  36. NotSoNormal0128 | July 9, 2013 at 10:26 pm |

    I am a stay at home mom, and quite frankly I do not care what anyone thinks about it! I am fortunate enough to be home with my son instead of paying someone else to do it. I think everything else was spot on though!

  37. If the military wanted servicemembers to have families, they would have come standard issued. That's why servicemembers depend on their spouses.Yes, spouses serve – we serve to keep the overall morale of the servicemembers up. We serve so they can have some semblance of a normal life when they are not deployed. Great article!

  38. Courteney – I’ve noticed that the harshest criticisms of military spouses seem to come from women in uniform, and your comments above seem likewise to be an attempt at justifying why it’s okay to bash military spouses (I.e, ‘ I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about her…’). This — wives versus female troops– rivalry has baffled me for the 10 years I’ve been an Army wife. I don’t see Facebook groups or slang terms created by military wives to ridicule female service members — so why do the female troops seem to take so much pleasure in tearing down the wives?

  39. Being a Mother is a thankless "job" much like being a Military Wife. Being a Mother can be measured by the self satisfaction we know when our children grow to become responsible adults and good citizens. Being a Military Wife can be measured by the self satisfaction we know when we maintain a happy and healthy family. It is simple… It is not about YOU! It is about your husband, children, family, and community. It is a partnership; a full-time job requiring selflessness, patience, perseverance, and continuity. And, when the day is done, rest, relax, and get ready to do it all over again Because as Mothers and Military Wives We are Exceptional! People depend on us to get the job done. It is what is expected and it is what we do. Otherwise, perhaps you should find a different calling!

  40. Yes- "know your place"
    Which if you think like that- your place is in some country under Sharia law under a burka!

  41. ajchicago2823 | July 10, 2013 at 6:43 am |

    Well said!

  42. Visit the Navy Memorial in DC and walk aroun the friezes. My favorite shows women holding children are standing on a pier waiting for the carrier to come into port. It is entitled, “They Who Wait Also Serve.”

  43. I agree with this article 100%

  44. The site wasn't working correctly. Post were delayed then posted several times.

  45. 1st wife was a Marine Sgt & mother of my 2 kids (always supported)…. 2nd wife Army Lt…… both made it to 10 yrs, ….. maybe just sorta becuz of the deployment orderfunnys I sometimes did….. sometimes didn't volunteer for….. HEY PEOPLE…… it's what what we got paid to do…………….. did SE Asia….Beruit……. funny 5 sided bdlg…. on #3…… we'll see how it works out…….

  46. DONT BEAT ME BUT... | July 10, 2013 at 3:19 pm |

    I have been studying the similarities between military families and families with an incarcerated member:
    Here are the similarities:
    Incarcerated spouses often say their family is also incarcerated as military spouse often say their families serve
    Both spouses go without, move often to follow member/inmate, and or deemed unemployable.
    Both are financially strapped incarcerated families are more though as they do not have financial assistance
    Both lifestyles effect the children as the member/inmate miss important milestones.
    inmate/member face tough prospects of being employed one they return to society/civilian hood.
    Both spouses face opposition from outsiders who do not understand their lives.
    Both spouses have sets of guidelines rules to adhere and have to be escorted on base/prisons.

    I was just soo surprised of all of the similarities.

  47. I am a wife of a Marine, married nine years, I don't just "serve dinner." He gets an occasional blow job too.

  48. haha then why on earth if you have been married to the service member for 10years while he served you are entitled, by the government to half his retirement.

  49. jholgate1957 | July 10, 2013 at 8:01 pm |

    YES BUT FOR BEING WITH ME FOR ALL OF 19 YEARS, AND 9 PLUS MONTHS, MY DIVORCED WIFE GETS NO TRICARE FOR LIFE, NO BENEFITS OF HAVING BEEN A BENEFIT… SOMEONE AT ONE OF THOSE WONDERFUL HELP PLACES, TOLD HER SHE WOULD KEEP HER BENEFITS… HER FAULT FOR NOT BELIEVING ME AND RECHECKING.. TRUTH WAS.. SHE WAS A GOOD MOTHER, WORKED AT THE BASE CHILDREN'S CENTER.. AND DESERVED THOSE BENEFITS… ALL BECAUSE I WAITED UNTIL DONE WITH BASIC TRAINING AND aDVANCED TRAINING. I LEFT THE ARMY BECAUSE I COULD NOT PHYSICALLY KEEP UP WITH DEMAND.

  50. DependUPONamous :) | July 10, 2013 at 8:54 pm |

    Bravo on a nice read! Judgemental twits are everywhere. “Dependent” is a title on a form, not a characteristic of a person. Why do people care how others live their lives? Work, stay at home, go to the gym, eat ice cream & be lazy, join the PTA or don’t …..whatever works for you & your family is all that matters.

  51. I was highly insulted by the ‘you only serve dinner’ comment. In fact, I think I will make my husband heat up his own frozen dinner tonight. :-P

  52. Stephanie | July 11, 2013 at 7:33 pm |

    I was dependent on my husband before he joined. He lost his job when the company closed and depended on me. There's nothing wrong with support. There is something wrong with entitlement and greed :) and I don't think I serve with him. I am doing my job as a mother, with or without him, I would do the same. I don't get up and go to work. I don't get up and go to PT every morning. I don't deploy. I don't work for the Army, so I don't serve. I live my life along side my husband. If he was still an accountant and had to move, I would move.. in fact I did. Twice. I never served as an accountant's wife. He was gone long hours then too.

  53. All of these comments are the reason I've chosen to remove myself from the military spousal community and make friends outside of that organization. I thought I would be joining a community of support, but what I've seen over the lat 14 years is bitter women and disrespectful military members who over exaggerate their treatment by spouses of higher ranked military members. Who cares what term is used to describe the sacrifices a military spouse makes for their family and country. How about the majority of you find something useful to put your passion into rather than insulting others for how they desribe their lives as a military spouse.

  54. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for posting this, it's nice to know we're not alone.

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