They Ache

This deployment has flown by for me because I've been distracted with my pregnancy.  It's a major event that keeps my mind off missing my husband.  When I do think of him, they've been self-centered or baby-centered thoughts: I wish he were here to feel the baby kick, or fetch me a glass of water, or discuss middle names in person.  I've also tried to come up with some silver linings for why it's better that I've been alone all this time.  And I have contingency plans in case my husband doesn't make it home in time; I've assured him that I am capable of doing this myself and that the baby and I will be fine if he can't make it.

I've tried to be mindful of how he must feel too, to be so far away while his only child is growing and developing.  To miss out on ultrasounds and milestones.  But after I got lukewarm responses to the ultrasound and pictures of my belly that I emailed to him, I figured he's a guy and maybe they don't care about that stuff as much as I would.

But then he wrote me an email one night that broke my heart.  He was lonely and homesick and let down his guard: he said that he longs to be here with me and the baby and that he's "jealous of [my] privilege" to be near her, even when it is uncomfortable.  It was unbelievably touching.

I think it's easy to dismiss our husbands as being "just a guy" who doesn't care about the tender moments.  They may not let on, but I think it probably affects them deeply to be away from us and their children.  I would've never imagined my husband saying that he "aches" to be near his unborn daughter, but he did.

And it made me fall in love with him all over again.

Comments

[Wondering]

Does you husband know or care that you share so much personal information and private conversations and email? Mine would totally flip out! Just wondering...

[Marine Wife]

That was beautiful, Sarah!

[wifeunit]

I totally feel you on this sentiment. When he was gone, Mark seemed the same way with the ultrasound pics and even when he was home this last time, he was ridiculously not enthused and actually a little grossed out in the room. And I was kinda insulted and disappointed about it. But then there are times when the barriers come down.

That ache is so apparent with the pcs-ing away from my step-daughter. It is just huge sometimes for Seadaddy, that realization and reaction to the day to day he is missing. And whether it is milestones missed due to deployments, tdys, pcs-es, our spouses really do need that wall to keep their emotions in check. And I am definitely guilty of taking that wall for granted and being taken aback when it loses a piece or two. I think it is mostly because it is a pain I really am not able to help relieve.

[Kate (This American Wife)]

I think one of the neatest things about being a military spouse, is having the opportunity to see our loved ones express things that they might take for granted if they were always here! Because he's missing these small things now, he'll appreciate them so much more when he's there!

[AFSister]

Tough guys are still mush inside when it comes to loving their families- especially the unborn ones. They just don't show it all the time, as a protective measure or something.

My best friend's son deployed two weeks after finding out his wife was pregnant and missed the entire pregnancy. He wasn't there when they found out she was having twins; missed all of the sonograms, etc.

She went into preterm labor at 28 weeks. It SUCKED. He was in Iraq; she was in the hospital in Germany; and my friend and I were here in Ohio. It sucked. Elly tried to shelter him from some of the bad stuff; Ryan knew she was holding back. He was distracted; we were afraid he would be TOO distracted and get hurt. He finally got to see them when they were about 3 months old- the day before they were finally released from the hospital. He came home from Iraq about 6 months later.

The twins are now two... and their baby brother is about 3 or 4 months old. Ryan couldn't wait to be there for the entire pregnancy and birth, so they got pregnant as soon as they could when he got back. I've never seen him more happy than when he's got his babies in his arms.

Your husband will be the same way, Sarah. It will be precious beyond words.

[David M]

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 02/02/2010 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.

http://www.thunderrun.us/2010/02/from-front-02022010.html

[Penny]

Sarah, this was so beautiful thank you for sharing it with us! :)

[michelle]

I understand what you mean. Luckily my husband has never been through deployment, (yet anyway). Although when he first enlisted in the army and had to leave for basic training, we had twin sons that were 3 1/2 months. His basic training and AIT lasted almost a year and he was about 900 miles away from us. He had a really rough time in basic and doubted himself often. He wrote me letters almost every day and would call about once a week.I was kind of hurt from the fact that when I did hear from him, his inquiries of the children were rather minimal. I was unsure of how to take this! I felt like, if it was me away from my kids (we also have 2 older children) I would want to know everything about them! It kind of upset me. But taking what he was going through emotionally with basic, I didn't want to address this with him, and add to his stress. I just dealt with it. Also thinking "I guess thats a man for you". After his first AIT was almost over they said that he needed to reclass. Which meant another series of months on end without seeing him. During this time. We had a deep conversation about his doubts that come with the early phases of a military career. He opened up and told me (without me even mentioning anything about it) that he knew it seemed like he wasn't interested in the children since he's been gone, but he said that not a minute went by when he didn't think about them and wish that he could be home with them. But he said that thinkng of them, and me updating him on everything, first crawls, first words, first steps, everything of that sort, that he was missing, killed him inside. He said that at first he looked at their pictures every day, all of the time, but after a while, he said that he couldn't even look at them anymore. Seeing how much they have grown and accomplished without him there, and him missing all of it, just hurt him way to much! He said that it made it kind of easire to get through it all if he just didn't think of them so much. Even though, he said, that they are the only reason that he did make it through! When he opened up and told me about his feelings, I understood where he was coming from. I couldn't imagine not being there to witness all of those "firsts" that come with that first year of life. It made me feel extremely selfish for the prior thoughts I had had about him and this matter. After that I kind of limited what I was updating him on. Plus things got alot better (as far as his stresses) after this point. Thank you for sharing this and showing me that I am not the only one who had those thougts.