Boy Issues

This deployment has been weird.  Partly because, well, I'm kind of tired.  And by "kind of" I mean "really."  A lot.  I also feel guilty about being so tired, because even though Air Force Guy has been gone more than he's been home the last few years, I also know that it could always be worse.

But as Sarah said before, deployments are like snowflakes.  And for this one it's been easier for me to just keep my head down, my feet moving forward, and think about other things.  Like Boston Cream Pie.  Or looking forward to my next boxing class when I get to hit things in a socially acceptable manner (and work off that Boston Cream Pie).  

But this is also the first deployment my husband has had where my son has boy issues come up while Dad is gone.  And figuring out THAT maze has been interesting, to say the least.

Right off the bat I can say that one of the major problems with "boy issues" is that if you talk to someone who is not familiar with military families they often start bringing up the role model excuse.  As in, "What your son needs is a good male role  model."

Well, my son HAS a good male role model.  He thinks his Dad is a superhero, for goodness sake!  He writes him letters - well, draws him pictures anyway, he makes lists of things to discuss with his father (like the types of weaponry in use in Star Wars movies and how they compare to the Wii game) when AFG is home, and his future plans all include his Dad.  And he has never been disappointed - my son knows his Dad will be there for him, just as he knows his Dad is doing something very important and necessary. 

He's put on his super suit and gone to save the world again.  And while it's not fun, the boy is full-to-bursting proud of Dad.

My son does NOT need another male role model.  Thankyewverymuchindeed.  

On the other hand, right now he's living in a house with three women and a pet ratio that is 2:1 female and the male is fixed.  There's a distinct lack of testosterone in this house, and it was getting to him.  He was having some behavioral issues that I just could not seem to get a handle on.  Nothing bad - he just seemed to have too much energy, he was getting into everything, he was climbing, he was jumping, he was loud...  In short, he was being a boy and I didn't know how to manage that.  

When we lived on base it was a bit easier - guys in a military community often seem to step up when Dads are gone - one Dad taking his kids to the park usually ends up playing with all the other kids that are at the park at the same time.  It's an understood thing.  You don't have to go searching someone out to do "boy stuff" with your boy, which is a weird conundrum in itself.  I mean, what a fine line to walk!  And how do you explain that to someone who doesn't instinctively get it?

"Hi, my son needs a man to play boy games with tomorrow so that he'll go to sleep without playing Airborne off the top bunk with a pillowcase parachute.  I mean, he's got a Dad who's very active when he's home, and you have to be very careful not to give off vibes to my son that you're trying to usurp Dad's place because that would really cause resentment.  His Dad doesn't need to be replaced, he just needs to play football with someone that's not Mom sometimes.  Because, let's face it, ESTROGEN OVERLOAD.  Also, he needs help with his race car thingie for Boy Scouts, because I have no CLUE what to do with that one.  But arms length and all that.  In fact, maybe you should only do boy stuff with my son in a group of other boys.  That might work best for everyone.  Oh, and you probably need to know my husband, or at least ask a lot of questions about him, because the kid relates everything in life to his Dad in some way or another.  If it's not too much to ask.  Oh - and discipline.  Don't be all 'you poor boy' with my son and let him off when he's bad.  He doesn't feel sorry for himself, and he doesn't understand why anyone would think there's anything sad or pitiful about his life.  He will go right for the jugular if he senses weakness. Kthxbai."

Yeah, I can see that not going over entirely well...

Luckily part of the problem there is easily solved - my brother is only 5 hours away (and after about 15 years of this lifestyle, 5 hours seems like practically next door) and so the birthday wish of playing paintball and pugil stick fighting will be spent with another military guy who is a relative and gets the situation.  And will probably face the same situation himself with his boys, so there's that whole community thing going on. 

But on a day to day basis I was stumped.  I figured Cub Scouts would help - and it does, very much.  But at this age it's a twice a month deal.  My son still needed something more. 

For my son it turned out to be boxing.  He attends my classes with me and waits while I work out.  Then he attends his own children's class.  I think there's a certain special dynamic for boys in sports anyway - and I think it certainly helps with the testosterone time!  And, this was very important for my son in particular, he could relate everything he was learning to his Dad.  Dad is off fighting, my son is learning to fight.  Dad does Krav Maga, my son is learning his own techniques.  And it is definitely a male-heavy sport.  When AFG was home on R&R, the boxing coaches all made a point of introducing themselves and then discussion on fighting techniques ensued - a discussion my son got to be a part of. 

It worked out perfectly.

Of course, what works for us is not what works for everyone.  And different kids have different unique issues.  I'd love to hear from others (moms or dads) who have figured the maze of raising a boy with a good father, but while Dad was at war.  It's a unique situation; single parenting, but not really single parenting.  And it's got to be tremendously hard for Dad as well, to long distance role model and strike that balance.  I think a lot must depend on having good, trustworthy friends and family around to step up and strike just the right balance - but that's sometimes something we just don't have. 

What we do have, though, is each other - here.  And I'd love to know how others dealt with this situation.

Comments

[Bobbie Jo]

It sounds to me that you are doing what needs to be done,
When my son(who is the only) with 2 older sister what I did was sign him up from one sport to the next. I am so not that kind of mom and truth be told hated every stinkin second of it BUT I knew it was very important to him to be with boys aka men and for him to run & tackle and even spit and I so couldn't do that. However, I do have to brag I did help with his boy scout troop-(the only mom) with making his car and it did really well in the pinewood derby not sure how that happened but it was pretty cool. :) Hang in there-you'll get through and I will say my son who is now 13 is very well-rounded. Still a boy and knows how to treat girls well maybe not his sisters-lol! :)

[Joan D'Arc]

This is a tough one, for sure, AFW. Although my son is not around so many females when DH is gone, I have had struggles with "filling the testosterone void" at times. Even while DH is home I find myself struggling with raising a son b/c I was never a little boy.

My suggestion is to ask your son what would help him while DH is gone. Explain that you want to do your best to give him opportunities to do "boy stuff" and you would like to know what might be of interest to him. Play it simple and in general terms so he doesn't (hopefully) realize how difficult this is for you. Leave out the behavior issues and such b/c he might take it the wrong way.

Your son may, or may not, want more "boy stuff" in his life, but if you take a general approach to this it could open doors to a conversation that may lead you in another direction regarding his needs (i.e. the behavior problems could be "solved" in a way that has nothing to do with more "boy stuff"). Am I making any sense?

It is definitely normal for kids to have increased behavioral problems while a parent is deployed. Of course your son worships his father and wants him to be home. He may need another outlet of some sort to help him deal with and express these emotions.

You know your son better than anyone else. I know you talk to your kids and are very open with them. Maybe he needs some one-on-one with Mom to explore some things for him to do. A casual, open-ended conversation may encourage him to say things that you didn't realize he was thinking.

I know that was really "Social Worky," but that's how my brain works with these types of things. I hope it helps :)

[Apryl]

I haven't got there yet. The eldest and I (he's 6 but oh so worldly) have never got along..even straight out of the womb. We're too alike. It's scary. We barely survived Iraq the first time around. I'm hoping that this time around I'm older (BWAHAHAHAHAHA) he's older (sniff sniff), he's on ADD meds, he's in therapy, I'm in therapy and there are occasionally days we actually work as Mom-Son Duo.

Now I do work 40 hours a week (well more right now) and we do have a 2 year old (also male) to wrap into this picture. But I have yet to find that winner solution. I don't have enough time to take him to actual sports so I signed him up for a once a week thing they get him from school and they have 45 min of whatever sport they're doing. He can't do tae kwon do which is what he and his Dad did due to my work schedule (bring on the guilt) and the little guy. Hell he's happy getting 3 squares and a clean butt every few hours.

My Brother tries to fill in but DH loathes that he's there and DH is not. Double edged sword.

The eldest thrives on his father's love, words, wrestling and this deployment..this 2nd time around is so hard. The little guy..again 3 squares and a clean butt which is exactly how the eldest was during Iraq. Dad who's that?

I dunno I don't have the magic wand right now...I'm still fresh in this 2nd deployment (approx 30 days in) maybe in a few months I'll have a better idea of how to help him get his "man fill". But right now...I try. I'm exhausted..they're exhausted but I try. That's all I've got right now.

[tankerswife]

The missing testosterone doesn't just effect boys. We have 2 girls, ages 11 and 14. The younger is pretty much a duck, everything rolls off her back. She's a naturally carefree happy kid. The oldest has always been more emotional, though it was unnaturally subdued as a little girl. However, in the last couple of years, she's really come into her own. Which is great, but Dad's been gone the better part of 2 years.

She has definitely felt the loss of Dad despite the emails and phone calls. He's still a presence in her life, just not enough. Thankfully we live near some family and have awesome friends. It's helped me for sure that EVERYONE is always "up in their business." They get good grades, everyone knows and congratulates them. The oldest gets a new boyfriend, everyone asks questions and gives advice and keeps an eye on her as well. Its been like having 15 parents for one child, but I'm still in charge.

We move to next month. I'm going to lose that awesome support network. And although Dad will be around a whole lot more, its going to be just me and him again managing it all. Yikes.

I think you've done a great job recognizing that there was a problem, what it was, and found a great way to deal with it. I only wish I'll do as well. :-)

[Cheyenne]

I've already noticed problems with my son. We just got finished putting Daddy through Boot Camp. And he developed so many issues over that time. It was only 2 months!

And at first I thought it was normal. He is my first and 21 months old so what do I know? But then I started realizing none of the other kids were quite as extreme. Temper tantrums lasted 45 minutes and he wanted Daddy for everything.

I thought he was too young for that. But then we went to see his graduation. While my hubby had liberty, my little man was happier than I have seen him in the whole two months. But now Daddy is gone again for A School and the monster is back.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not good enough. He has always been very close with Daddy. He is too young for sports, and unfortunately we do not have a close family. So I'm still at a loss. I definately thought he was too young for this. I have no idea what I will do when it comes time for a real deployment.