All Those Moments Are Gone

I took a trip three weeks ago to visit my husband's parents.  Even though he's deployed, I wanted them to share in the pregnancy excitement and get to feel like grandparents-to-be for a few days.  We had a nice visit, and on the way home I started thinking of the letter I could write to my husband about everything we did that week.

And then I got busy, and then I didn't feel so well, and then...the urgency passed.  And I never wrote the letter.

This, to me, is the saddest part of deployment.

While we are separated, so many things happen to each of us.  So many things that, if we were sitting down to dinner together in the same house, we would talk about animatedly.  Little things, big things, all kinds of things.  I am a chip casher; I like to relive every moment of my day with my husband.

When he's gone, I usually try to do this in a letter.  But sometimes the moment slips by me, and every day that passes after the event is another day where it doesn't quite seem as important to document the event.  And finally I hit a point where I just shrug my shoulders and say that nothing really earthshattering happened at his parents' house anyway, so there's no real point in writing a long letter about taking his grandma to see an assisted living facility.

And so he never gets told those things.  And it's another nine months of our life that goes uncashed and unshared.

I am perfectly capable of living my life alone.  I do just fine.  I don't think about his absence very often and I don't dwell on all the time we've spent apart.

But sometimes, like when I get too lazy to write him a letter, I realize that there are 29 months of our married life that he's spent away from me.  I think of all the moments we've both experienced that we were too tired to write about but that weren't monumental enough to remember to share once he gets home.  All the little moments that weren't quite worth finding the time or energy to write in a letter.

And all those moments are gone.

I find that the saddest part of deployment.

Comments

[SJ]

No matter what I always try to find the time to write him a letter. There are times I just want to go to bed or just watch tv but then I think about how it would be so much nicer if he was here with me doing those things and I feel like I have to share my day with him in some way and for the most part that is the only way I can do it. I also feel guilty in a way when I am off doing something else and having fun or he isnt on my mind for me that is one of the saddest parts of deployment.

[Sarah]

SJ -- I did such a good job the first deployment. In 13 months, I wrote 215 letters. I did well last year too. But this year, I've lost my oomph by being pregnant and exhausted. I imagine it only gets worse once one has kids in the house.

Keep it up! The longer you can keep your oomph, the better! I am trying to get mine back. Starting with a letter about my visit to his parents...

[Amber]

I've also had this problem. It DOES get harder with little ones. I have 3 sons, ages 8, 5, and 15 months. Obviously, they have to be the priority, not letter writing, and so things fall to the side.

My husband understands that neglecting him, means not neglecting our children and he's ok with that. However, it makes me sad when he does get a phone call and I spend most of it asking "Have I told you about this?".

He's missed so much and it's my job to make sure he doesn't. In fact, I'll go write a letter now. :)

[Married2theNavy]

i write myself texts throughout the day. just like i would if he were here and i was actually sending them. then when i get home i have a reminder of everything i wanted to write to him. its the only way i've found to remember those little moments. good luck. it is sooo tough!!!

[kim johnson]

I hope someone can help me Iam trying to find my son-in-laws Squadron commander. How can I get that kind of info?

[Penny]

*smile* For a period of time, I kept a notebook with me all the time and would write down the moments as they occurred. There wasn't anything special about them really, but I just wanted him to be a part of my life even though he was deployed. I didn't want him to miss those small moments of Little H's gymnastics classes or the trip to the store and the excitement of finding something I had looking for. I believe it's the small moments in our lives that make a difference

Good luck with the letter writing Sarah and I hope you get your 'oomph' back. :)

[Lemon Stand]

This also happens when you have children stationed in foreign countries. My husband is one of 7 kids and while he was stationed in Korea, his parents moved from a house they had lived in for over 30 years. Everyone thought that someone else had mentioned it to my husband. He got home only to realize after walking into the old house that his parents no longer lived there. It was quite a shock to the homeowners too! :o) So he called one of his brothers and found out they had moved six months prior and lived about 5 miles from the old house.

I'm sure that our spouses will not have to worry about this... maybe... hopefully... (might be a nice prank to pull on my husband again...)

[Gina]

I started off this deployment by sending my boyfriend a letter a day...until he told me to just email him because he was sick of hearing news from 2-3 weeks ago.

He has midtour this month so I plan on starting them over again after that. I just feel bad not sending mail.

[Reasa]

I like to write letters to Hubby when he is gone. I start off by writing one to tuck away into his bag before he heads out. The last deployment was not a good one for letter writing. I was busy with school, kids and church. We talked everyday for a couple of hours because of his job and he prefers emails. I just like to send them because of the joy a hand written letter from anyone brings.

[Another AF Wife]

@kim johnson - contact his squadron and ask to speak with the first sgt, than deal it with him/her.

I couldnt make it a day without writing a letter to my husband, I just need to share everything with him. It would be really sad if I couldnt take 15 minutes to write him about my day. Hope you will manage to find those minutes for youself...

[David M]

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 12/02/2009 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.

http://www.thunderrun.us/2009/12/from-front-12032009.html

[Jessie]

I don't always know where GI Joe is, but I love to share things with him, so when I can't actually mail stuff to him I will still try to write something about my day and put them in envelopes and address them and then he opens them when he gets home, so at least I've done my part and we can both look back and see what went on while he was gone.