I Don't Want to Be That Person

I've had a bit of a conundrum this deployment that has me seriously sensitive to my own behavior. 

What it boils down to is this, "To Tell or Not to Tell?" 

When it comes to my children's activities, I'm very forthcoming to those in charge.  I tell them right off the bat that Dad is deployed and that I'm playing school bus driver in the minivan on my own. 

I hate doing this.  It makes me horrifically uncomfortable, because I get the feeling that when I inform those in charge of the situation, they feel like they're supposed to say or do something to show they understand.  I feel like the "aura" of the situation is that I'm asking for some kind of special treatment or sympathy.

Ugh.  Sympathy.  Blech.  I don't feel sorry for myself, and the thought that someone might feel sorry for me makes me want to barf.  On the other hand, when someone does try to commiserate, they are doing so because they feel like they should do something, and I don't want to seem ungrateful or inconsiderate of that, either.  I'm always afraid it seems that I'm using my husband's deployment as a hammer, when I'm actually trying to use it as a shim.

It's such a tangled web. 

My real choice would be to not say a word.  I mean, is it really anyone's business?  If I get my kids where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to be there, do the details matter?  I'd much rather avoid the whole issue of people feeling like they are being thrust into the sympathy role through the social contract.  I don't want to be the person who seems like Eeyore,  "Thanks for noticing me..." 

On the other hand, in the general scheme of things my kids don't always get where they need to be when they need to be.  For example, we missed an entire week of lessons/sports/scout meetings when I was too sick to drive anyone anywhere.  There was simply no one else to take them.

Not to mention the extra activities that come up that I just can't make because of conflicting schedules. 

I don't want these people who work so hard at volunteering their time and effort to think I don't value what they do and what they contribute.  There's a reason I miss meetings, am late, leave early, or seem generally frazzled.  That reason is fairly straightforward, and I think understandable.  And my choice is to either seem like an ungrateful flake or explain the situation before the inevitable disaster of some sort strikes.

So even though I don't want to be that person - the one who is constantly telling people, "My husband is deployed right now!" I end up being that person.  And I cringe every time I do it. 

Comments

[Nomad Librarian]

Just a thought: I think that milspouses are more sensitized to "that person" because we hear "that person" whining a lot more than the average civilian does.

We are also in a position of wanting to slap "that person" across the face because we are fairly sure that their hand of deployment poker is nowhere near as "good" (what an oxymoron!) as our hand.

What I'm trying to say is that, even though you think that you are being "that person" I think it is pretty unlikely that any one else is thinking you are.

Except maybe the CCD people. How did that turn out, anyway? I shared your tale with the CCD director at our parish, and she was speechless.

[Michelle]

I agree with Nomad - but I also agree with you as well and have felt the same as you on so many occasions - do I tell or just not say anything, because the last thing we want is pity. I find myself saying it, and then almost apologizing for saying it "oh, no, really, we're doing fine, really, I'm sorry to even bring it up."

I think we need to just saying "My husband is deployed, I'm functioning as a single parent right now." and then let it go.

But you are NOT that person.

[airforcewife]

Thanks, guys. It's nice to hear that I might not be as whiny as I was afraid I was coming off. And that other people worry about this as well!

Nomad Librarian - we switched to a military parish. It's 40 minutes away, but we definitely breathed a sigh of relief when we attended mass there the first time.

And the best part - when I asked the religious ed director when 1st Communion would be she said, "We usually talk to all the parents in the spring to be able to work around TDYs and deployments as best we can."

I'm home now! :)

[Lemon Stand]

I think you are a normal military spouse and can understand your worry. **slides a box of Whitman Sampler chocolates your way** :o)

[David M]

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 11/16/2009 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.

http://www.thunderrun.us/2009/11/from-front-11162009.html

[Apryl]

Neither do I but sometimes..it works in your favor and you get cut some slack. Now that's not to say that I don't evaluate each situation to see if I should show my hand or let it pass but I do play that card when I want out of something.

No I'm sorry we can't come to the party at Chuck E Cheeses...DS2 has therapy...oh yeah his Dad is deployed and I can't be in 2 places at one. Oh you'll pick DS1 up..no really there's no need.

Nevermind that I have run out of time to do laundry so neither of them have clean clothes..nor do I have time or $$ to get a gift. And Chuck E Cheese....'nuf said.

[She of the Sea]

First, AFW, you are not that person.

Second, Apryl, you make laugh. We had a rather heated conversation here this morning, something along the lines of "I know you don't like green sweatpants, but they are clean and you are just going to have to deal." I don't know how these clothes all get dirty!

[Newspouse]

So what you are saying is that it is not ok to be whiny about your husband being gone? I have been told to suck it up and to get over it by another milspouse when commenting on my feelings about my husband's deployment (he is in the middle of a 1 yr)- I didn't think I was being whiny, just talking about how I miss him. I am a fairly new milspouse...is it everyone for themselves in this?

[GBear]

Dear Newspouse, you are definitely NOT in it alone...thus this blog! You just have to find the right group of milspouses to hang with. We love to get together and tell our stories, share our feelings, gather our strengths and support each other. It's the name of the game!