Living Our Lives

Last week I went to visit my grandparents.  They have dial-up.
Last year this would have stressed me out immensely but this year it doesn't, because deployments are like snowflakes.

And this snowflake is liberating.

This is my husband's third deployment, and #1 and #3 are much more similar than #2 was.  The first time, he was in Iraq in 2004.  Infrastructure was a mess, and he rarely had access to contact home.  I went about my normal life and gladly heard from him every two or three weeks.  Last year he returned to Iraq in a staff position, which meant he worked regular hours and had good access to Skype.  I found myself glued to the computer each afternoon, waiting to see if he'd show up.  It was wonderful to get to talk to him so often, but I rarely left the house in the afternoon so as not to miss him.  I felt obligated to be there for him every day, which meant I needed to keep the entire afternoon open since I never knew if he'd show up at 1:00 or 4:00.

This time, he is in remote Afghanistan with spotty communications.  And I am back to the way I was in 2004, living my life and being happy when he does manage to contact me.

I like it better this way.

So last week I packed up for grandma's, sent him an email saying I'd be on dial-up for a week, and left.  Halfway through the week, grandma's dial-up ran out of juice; we had used up her monthly minutes.  (Talk about the Dark Ages of internet.)  So I called AWTM and asked her to email my husband, just to let him know that I now had no means of communication.

Two days later he called and we had this funny exchange:

Sarah:  Did you get AWTM's email, that I no longer have dial-up?
Husband:  No, I haven't been on a computer in a week.
Sarah:  Oh, nevermind then.  Neither of us missed anything then.

But he called right in the middle of a birthday lunch at a restaurant with my grandmother, aunt, cousin, and mom.  It was the worst timing he could've had all week.  I explained and we got off the phone quickly, and he said he'd try again in a couple of days.

Later my grandmother and mother remarked that I could've left the table to go talk to him, that it was an important call.  And I explained to them something I feel I've learned over three deployments: We have to live our lives.

I told them about the cheeseburger story, and how I know wives who've refused to leave the house in case they might miss their husbands online.  I told them how crazy it can make you to be a slave to the computer and cell phone, and how nutso you can go if you're afraid every time you shower or take the garbage out to the street that you might miss a call.  And I said that I heard his voice and knew he was OK, and that was enough for the moment.

I love hearing from my husband, and I do indeed miss the long IMs and jokes we had last year.  But I think I still prefer living my life while he's gone rather than being chained to my computer.

Comments

[Apryl]

Yeah I was chained for our first deployment as he is a desk jockey and had a computer all the time. I loathed when I'd come home and find a message I'd missed or those times when my cell got a message. The guilt was horrible.

I think this deployment I'm going to try and set up times/days when he should call that way I don't have to deal with deployment guilt.

I agree ya gotta live your life not be chained to the computer.

[Love My Soldier]

I TOTALLY understand and am glad someone else feels the way I do. However, you are handling this better than me right now. DF is on his 1st deployment and I find that I do better when we don't talk for awhile then getting used to talking every day. Like you said, you begin to feel guilty about missing a call, although I've been blessed that he pretty much calls when I am available.

On the other hand, I too have told myself to stop waiting by the computer to see if he will show up on Skype...it's nerve wracking and I don't get anything done. I MUST continue to live my life, so please pray for me :) I am struggling w/ this right now but hope time will help. He's only been gone for a few months...(deep sigh) who am I kidding, I have a long way to go!

Be blessed!

[Apryl]

It'll get better and don't forget you have the end result to look forward to..the man farting while holding the remote lounging in his whitey's on the couch...LOL.

[bx19]

May the Good Lord send him home safely to you.

[aggie af wife]

I'm right there with you.. first deployment was spotty and this one is good access and email/IM every day..

but it makes me miss him MORE.. I can't get into the mindset of being by myself b/c I'm constantly reminded that he's NOT here..

hubby and I both agree that it was better the first way.

[David M]

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 10/14/2009 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front..

http://www.thunderrun.us/2009/10/from-front-10142009.html

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[Laura, A Military Mom]

I remember the 1st deployment for #1 Son to Afghanistan, phone calls came whenever he could get to a phone (out in the middle of no where) they had no computers...so we forwarded our home number to our cell phones and never missed a call.

But for the second deployment to Iraq he had a desk job and was on his computer after work every night (his time) and IM'ed us at our work in the afternoons...which was a good thing because when he did call the phone connection almost always cut us off!

Isn't technology great! Although I do miss having letters to read and remember when.

[Sig]

Honestly, this works both ways. It was easier to focus on my job and not on the things I was missing when I was away from base (and Internet access, and hot chow, and running water, and electricity, and ...). I would feel guilty if I didn't stay up late to chat with my wife while I was on base--I should take the opportunities where I can get them, right?--but it pulled me out of "deployment mode" and that was a bit jarring.

Easiest of all was when we were deep out in the field and busy. There were days at a time where I never gave home a moment's thought. You put that stuff in a mental box and you only bring it out when you have time.