That Dry Spell

So, here I am trudging along through a deployment.  I have a busy schedule, I'm battling insomnia (as usual) so I'm tired most of the time, and I've had a lot of things on my mind.

Then I turn on the TV to watch a movie and I see... it.  Yes, it.  That thing that wreaks complete havoc on my carefully orchestrated overwhelmed life.  That thing that throws me into a complete tailspin of frustration and irritation.  That thing that seemingly contrives against me to make the deployment trudge completely unbearable.

A romantic movie scene. 

Now, I don't mean an overdone teen angst kind of romantic scene.  And I certainly don't mean a graphic sex scene.  I mean a good, well thought out, vital to the plot kind of romantic scene.  Kind of like the Take My Breath Away scene in Top Gun (which is on my YOU SHALL NOT PASS! movie list during deployments, by the way).  And last night watching Australia and seeing Drover come home after his seasonal absence about had me undone.

I want a homecoming scene of my own! RIGHT NOW!  I want some romance, too.  And there are most certainly a few other very important to married people things I'm missing at the moment.  And, quite frankly, it's just safer for everyone involved (and more pleasant as well) if I'm not reminded about that. 

I think it might be one of the great un-talked about truths of deployment (although I think Butterfly Wife really hit the nail on the head when she wrote about it last year, and Andi has addressed the issue previously as well.).  When your spouse is deployed, you hit a dry spell.  A long one.  Long, uncomfortable, irritating, and worst of all - there's nothing you can really do about it.  And wow, does it make me GRUMPY.

The funny thing is that once I remember what's not going on here, there's no going back.  And no one outside the military spouse community seems to think of that part of it at all, probably because (1) there are bigger fish to fry in the day to day worries of deployment, and (2) polite society just doesn't mention that.  But my Grandmother told me many times while I was growing up that I was just too "earthy" for tea, if you know what I mean.

Yes, I hate having to fix my own toilets.  I REALLY hate taking the trash out on my own on Wednesday nights, and my schedule on Monday nights alone (without a second person and second car) runs this way:  CCD 4:30 drop one kid off, Girl Scouts 5:00 drop one kid off, pick up kid from CCD and drive her to swim team practice by 6:15 and pick up kid from Girl Scouts by 6:00.  Swim team practice ends at 7:30.  And once a month the son has Cub Scouts on Monday nights from 6:30 to 7:30.  Doing that on my own stinks, and I'm expecting a thank you note from the Day Runner company any moment for single-handedly keeping them in business with my need for daily calenders.

Doing that on my own while romantically deprived stinks 100 times more.  And no, I can't explain it.  It just is. 

The straw that breaks the camel's back, maybe?  I'm not sure.  But as irritating and overwhelmed as I feel before that issue comes up, I can tell you that it exponentially increases after I remember exactly why movies with romantic scenes are banned from my presence during deployments.  Especially if I've just watched the homecoming scene in Australia and I'm reminded of what is not happening here and then my husband calls and I hear his voice...  You know how that goes.

Maybe it's because sex is one of those great benefits that counterbalance things that really stink in marriage;  like paying bills, taking out the garbage, cleaning up dog poop, and washing dishes.  I still have to do all those things for the whole family, but I don't get the good stuff that's supposed to counterbalance the drudgery. I suppose it's kind of like cleaning the bathroom with the promise of a candy bar only to be told that my candy bar is going to be mailed to me and should be here in 6 - 8 weeks.  Or eleven months, for a more exact analogy.

I love the silliness of the shirt that Andi posted:

That about sums it up, all right.

  

Comments

[Apryl]

Ok along with romantic scenes...anything related to 9/11. I watched that show 102 Minutes the night DH left and I haven't ever cried for 102 minutes before but it was like a train wreck I couldn't turn it off.

Granted I'm only in "phase 1" and he is at training or something and he'll come home in Oct before he leaves for his MOB station.

It doesn't matter..he's still gone. He's checked out.

I'm there with you on the doing everything and being exhausted. I had to cancel DS1's karate as I just can't do it. I can't be in 2 places at the same time. I feel horribly guilty but seeing as how it took me an hour and 10 minutes to get 1 child to daycare the other to school and myself back to home (I work from home as much as I can). It's just not gonna happen...

Bring on the deployment..I'm kinda ready. And no more romantic movies...they're crap for the time being. LOL

[Wife of a Sailor]

A. Freakin'. Men.

The lack of the horizontal mambo totally sucks. And I'll be writing about it on my own blog in the next couple of days.

[Jessie]

It is one of the things that isn't talked about as much, it is the elephant in some rooms, but boy does it suck! I too ban romantic movies. The hard part for me right now is that I've been asked to lead a young couples' Bible study...lots of happy in love civilians (and God bless them) but it I'm still trying to figure out what to do. I need to give them an answer...but do I want to do that with GI Joe gone??? I love the t-shirt!

[wife of Costner]

I know what you mean I just found out I'm about to be deployed and I haven't told my husband notyet anyway. He's a sucker for romantics! I feel the same way you feel, wait till I have to tell kevin out on the tarmac I only stop in to tell you and our daughter I love and I,m being re-deployed and this time I might be coming back. "Love/Romantic Movies" this is oh so to real!

[Mike]

Trudging along through a deployment? sound like you cozy ass was at home while hubby was out earning his retirement that he will have to split with you! Sounds like you have the hard life!

[ProudNLoyal]

I have to completely agree with you, airforcewife. The spouses left behind deal with a lot of stuff that most people don't take into factor.

The common view is that of the spouse that is deployed- yeah, they have a hard dirty dangerous stressful job,but we go through it with them, and while our duties are different, they cannot be seen as less.

It doesn't always work, and sometimes bitter people won't see the amazing people struggling at home, loving their spouses dearly and praying every minute of every day they will see them home safe. We all have struggles through deployment, and I love you were able to voice this eloquently.

[David M]

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 09/15/2009 News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.

http://www.thunderrun.us/2009/09/from-front-09152009.html

[Apryl]

Something that people on the outside don't often think about is yeah sure we're left at home to keep the household running and the kids alive but what we don't have is the knowledge of what our SO is doing. How safe they are if they're in a fire zone or chillin' behind a desk for the day. So unfortunatly it's not all peaches and cream to those of us "trudging along". We have to trudge along otherwise I'm sure we'd all be basketcases. We have to constantly lie to ourselves.."he/she'll call...they're just in a meeting..or taking a shower for the first time in days".

Honestly IMO being at home is almost worse due to the mind game you have to play with yourself..if you were the soldier you'd know WTF was going on..well as much as possible. LOL

[DL Sly]

Soooo......I guess I need to mark *sex* as well as *the family mushroom* off of the topic list for dinner conversation at SB Live next weekend....
Boy is that going to be a quiet table.
0>;~}

[Sarah]

Now add Second Trimester to it! Every pregnancy book and every pregnancy website just keeps screamingly reminding me that I will hit a hormonal peak and leap on my husband when he walks in the door while I'm pregnant, because I will never be more revved up in my life as I will be while pregnant. Gee, thanks. I'm missing the run-of-the-mill stuff as well as the once-in-a-lifetime stuff? Sigh.

[Love My Soldier]

Sarah, I do not envy you! :) But stay encouraged. As far as being the ones to stay at home, I would have to agree with Apryl because people don't realize the stress I endure daily. I now know that if I don't here from my DF that he is probably on a mission, but what does that mean exactly? You know what I mean? (Ok, just to clarify, I know what it means to be on a mission!)It's just SO difficult trying to juggle home life, work, returning to college, and family life!

I have my break down moments, and the one thing I realized is allow them to happen! Don't be afraid of letting go sometimes. I won't even make any notions about sex because that's another whole dilemma. ;) Again, another aspect most people don't speak about.

Be blessed!

[Tesha]

I know exactly how you feel! The littlest things set me off, (that normally wouldn't) simply because my "coping mechanism" needs to be *reset*... it's not just physical, it's emotional too. I am an emotional "train wreck" wondering is hubby warm/cold/tired/dirty/hungry etc. I agree that it's definitely the counterbalance! I have no other "vices" in my life. I guess it's good that it has such a high value to us. But for now, THIS SUCKS...

[Waiting patiently]

I too have a soldier who is in training at the moment, about to be whisked away to "the sandbox", as it is affectionately known, in a few brief weeks from now. I have not been enjoying our time apart either (this is actually our 3nd round of separation like this), as most everyone here has mentioned! The one thing that helps me along, whether it’s dealing with the “dry spell” (which, ladies, honestly, we can help ourselves a little bit there-we just need a good memory or two!), or the daily “fun” of having 2 kids under 6 yrs old, or hearing “thumps” in the night, …is knowing that my soldier is doing what he truly believes is the right thing to be doing. He doesn’t want to leave us any more than we want him to, but he believes that 14 months out of our lives is a drop in the proverbial bucket compared to what our hopeful end result will be for the poor souls we are trying to help! Sure, we have our daily issues here, but think about your soldier’s side…..they are HOT, likely tired, hungry, lonely (even with all of their buddies-it’s not the same!), and let’s not forget SCARED EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY! They are in a place where the bad guys reeeaallly want them gone and will do whatever it takes to make that happen! They don’t have a/c, food whenever they want, home cooked meals, or a mall they can run down to to see a movie with a friend. They can’t call a sitter and go out with their friends for awhile to unwind, they can’t sit back and have a drink (or 6!) after the kids go to bed, heck-they can’t relax really, in any way at all-for a year, or more! So yes, while life can certainly “suck” for those of us left behind-we should all take a sec. and think about the other side of this equation and what it means to them and what they too are going through. We have to be supportive of them when we talk to them and when we don’t. I am not preaching-I am a left behind spouse too-maybe just with a different point of view!

[Xtna]

Yes, must be a different "point of view," because the last time I checked the only person my hubby has to worry about is himself---and not the kids, the pets, the houses, or even the upcoming PCS that is looming after this year is up. I know he would gladly be here to help rather than be where he is, but I don't know that he would survive a year with two kiddos under six on his own. My hubby and I have agreed that this remote sucks, period. And neither one of us has it better than the other. Enough "preaching" about who has it worse---sex is the least of my thoughts right now, but I definitely am missing it. And he may be the one who puts on the uniform to "earn the retirement," but the last time I checked marriage was a dual relationship with dual efforts.

[army_wife]

And could a Soldier do what he does without support from back home? Obviously, a Soldier's hardships and risks during deployments should not be minimized - but neither should the contributions of his support network back home. Many Soldiers (my DH included) say they could not do what they do without the support they receive from spouses/girlfriends, family, and friends.

My husband is strong and tough as a Soldier, but he's told me before that he could never do some of the things I do (childbirth, for example). During my husband's last deployment (15mo.), he left me with about three months left until my due date with our second child. My husband is a pretty strong person, but I can't picture him making it through childbirth, handling a newborn and a three-year-old with all the night feedings, diapers, etc. along with all the other stuff that needs done (dealing with broken things/vehicles, lawn care, cooking, cleaning, all that fun stuff) ALONE. Just like I doubt I could make it through a war zone with constant and direct threats to my life and still remain sane.

We each have our own different, unique strengths. And I believe we do much better when we combine our strengths - where one is weak, the other is strong, and this makes us each more "solid" individuals. I couldn't go on in this sort of life (the military life - deployments, etc.) without his strentgths in some areas and I know he values my support in many areas as well. It would be infinitely harder to "do this Army thing" without each other to lean on.

I believe we are EACH doing our part to "earn his retirement" equally. I may not have to deal with getting shot at/blown up in some place half a world away from home (and I'm thankful for that), but I have my own worries and troubles to deal with. Every other spouse here knows exactly what I mean.

Every knock on the door or phone call could potentially be one that turns our lives upside down. "I haven't heard from my Soldier in X amount of time... what if something's wrong?" "I wish DH was here because I don't know how to fix this or do that/I need help with something/they won't let me sign this or do that without my servicemember and won't take a POA." "I wish DH was here because I feel so alone." "I wish he were here to talk to." Facing important events or holidays alone. Having to stand up under serious problems without him to lean on. Having to deal with all that (and more) and still put a smile on and be supportive of our Soldier. "Sitting our cozy [behinds] at home" is NOT the picnic in the park some people think it is. It's very difficult in many different ways.

[SDR]

Yes! Grumpiness does describe my general attitude. Of course,I do suppress this during our Skype chats in my effort to keep his morale up. But, once the Skype ends, the grumpiness begins! This is me venting. Since I don't live in a military community, I've been finding it difficult for my circle of friends to relate. I do have some great "battle buddies" that are exceptional in just being there for me during the crazy moments. I do have other friends who are supportive in other ways, mainly trying to get me to join social outings since I've been in hibernation for most of the deployment so far (about 4mos now). I know they mean well, but bar hopping, dancing in clubs, or roasting smores at a bonfire just won't "take things off my mind." These attempts are futile, but I do appreciate their efforts.

[uptowngirl]

I totally understand how you feel! I'm new to all this and so glad I finally found a site where other women can relate. This is the hardest thing to go through, especially alone.

[SKG]

I'm new to all of this too, and I can honestly say that I've never been through anything as hard as the past four months that my husband has been gone...and he's only in training, not even deployed yet! I am so proud of him, but I'm terrified as well. I'm a worrier anyway, and when he deploys I will truly be a basket-case...but only on the inside. On the outside I know that I have to keep everything together and stay positive for him. It helps to have supportive friends and family, but none of them have gone through this, and if I hear that "it will be over before I know it" one more time I may become violent! Everyone is so well meaning, but I totally get what you mean SDR about bar-hopping etc. not being something that will really help!

And also...one week after my husband left everything started to go wrong! Deaths in the family, sick dog (who is our child!), major back injury...the list goes on!

Reading all the posts here really helps. It's nice to know that there are people who DO understand!