It's Never a Good Time, But do it Anyway

Today I read a story on the main page of military.com that made my heart clench and my stomach hurt - it was all about what happens when a service-member doesn't make their wishes, should the worst happen, perfectly clear.

One month ago Roger Hager was killed in action.  In that month his mother has had to deal with the horrible emotional side effects - emotions I can't even begin to process or imagine - and also with the details of what must be done when our loved one comes home to us through Dover.  Among those details was something that Hager probably never thought would be an issue - his personal effects.  And according to the article there isn't much; an X Box and a cell phone and a few other things, as well as items of an emotional nature like letters.

Really, who among us thinks about bequeathing an XBox and a cell phone? 

When Hager was KIA, he listed his mother as his life insurance beneficiary but failed to list her as the sole next-of-kin, and in such a situation with a single service-member the eldest parent is the one personal effects are delivered to. This does not mean that Hager's father is legally entitled to keep the items, just that in the absence of a primary NOK listing for his mother, the items are delivered to the father.

It's a harsh, horrible reality to have to deal with on top of everything else.  And the worst part is that such situations are not as unusual as we'd like to think.

I know that before my husband deployed he had to attend what seemed like several hundred pre-deployment briefings about getting his affairs in order.  There were eleventy thousand checklists, and two visits with JAG.  Every contingency was explicitly spelled out, and even I (the paperwork queen) was taken by surprise by what is coming out of this incident - I simply did not know that this was how the personal effects delivery tree worked. 

And yet still, despite the hundreds of hours spent trying to get service-members to make sure everything from life insurance to Power of Attorneys to Next of Kin to the dependents enrolled in DEERS are updated, many service-members still do not get all their paperwork done before going.  And these situations continue to come up, and continue to rip families apart.

It's easy to see why - there are reasons of disbelief,  "Oh please!  That's not going to happen to me!  What's the point?"  There are superstitions, "If I do this, then I'm inviting the possibility of the worst happening into my life."  And then there is a lack of concern, "Why should I care?  I won't be around for it." 

For those of us left at home, though, these things are absolutely essential.  ABSOLUTELY.  And as horrible as it seems, as painful as it is, sometimes the final check and balance on this process is us.

Like we need anything else to add to our worries and fears right before our loved one leaves, right?  But that's how it is in our world.

The red tape and paperwork in the military world are infamous, and with good reason. It often seems like they consume every aspect of our lives.  That's probably not too far off.  But it all evolved from awful situations like this one affecting Hager's family. 

*Make sure all addresses and names for notifications are up to date

*Make sure Insurance Policy beneficiaries are up to date

*Make sure there is a will, whether or not an estate seems "worth it"

*Make sure all last wishes are put into writing and NOTARIZED (this is free on base, and it is absolutely essential for any legal documents)

*Make sure Next of Kin is up to date

*Make sure there are temporary custody and guardianship  agreements for children (notarized, of course)

No one wants to think about this, no one wants to plan it.  No one wants to plan for the worst or push our loved ones to take care of such things that seem so distasteful and ugly right before they leave.

But we can't put it off. 

Comments

[MrsD]

May I add:

If one or more of the listed people (NOK, beneficiaries, etc) move during the deployment, update their address promptly.

[Pattie]

These are not fun conversations to have, but oh so necessary (and I have no idea why I was never invited to these sorts of briefings. Sometimes I think the AF doesn't want me to know stuff!).

[David M]

The Thunder Run has linked to this post in the blog post From the Front: 08/12/2009 - News and Personal dispatches from the front and the home front.

http://www.thunderrun.us/2009/08/from-front-08122009.html

[Kitchen Dispatch]

Absolutely. Everything needs to be talked about in the open.

However, in this case I suspect there's much more to this personal history than is being told or that we need to know.

[ArmyReserveWife]

I know I am late in posting on this, but make sure spouse/parent etc... knows all of what you have or don't have. Make a folder of all your debts, assests etc.... it is heartwrenching enough to have to deal with a sudden death, but then to have to dig and find out all this other stuff, not so much fun!

[army_wife]

I'd like to get this sort of thing taken care of, but my husband absolutely refuses to talk about any of it. He won't talk about his death OR mine. I guess I'll have to name a guardian for our children myself in case something happens to both of us. I'd rather have my husband's input, but that's not happening.