It's Come to This...
January 7, 2009|
As we all know, in the military, separations are pretty common. Outsiders tend to think in terms of deployments to Iraq, but our spouses deploy to other areas, too. Plus, they're frequently away due to training and TDY assignments. Sometimes, the bottom line for us is simply this - gone is gone.
If the house floods, or your daughter has her first recital or you have to pack the house up all by yourself, it doesn't really matter where your spouse is. The fact is they're not there to help, or share in a special moment with the family. It's not that we're damsels-in-distress and can't handle a separation, or even a tough spot. We can, and do. Pretty darn well, too. It's just that we know gone is gone, and we're accustomed to everything that goes along with our spouses coming and going so often.
So, imagine my surprise when my husband morphed into a civilian recently. I love civilians, but hey - when you're in the military, you aren't a civilian, and you can't play one on TV. I don't care if you did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night!
It all started when....
....we were at a Christmas party and someone asked my husband if he travels a lot in his new assignment. He answered, "No, not really."
I sat back and did the math. We've been here six months and he's been TDY five times, once out of country. Don't know about you, but that seems like a lot to me, even if the trips were not for long stretches at a time, and even if most of the travel was inside the United States. Which, as it turns out, was the problem.
I didn't say anything during the conversation, but later I challenged him on this point.
You actually have been traveling quite a bit.
Not really.
Yes, you have. You've been here, here (twice), here and here in only six months.
Yeah, but a lot of the guys travel out of the country all the time, and for longer stretches than me.
Doesn't matter, so far, you're averaging travel about once a month. To most people, that's "a lot."
All that "gone is gone" stuff flew right out the window and suddenly I find that the rules have changed. "Gone" only means gone if it's a deployment, or overseas travel or for long stretches at a time. "A lot" only means a lot under the same circumstances. Okay, I can grow and adapt to new rules. At least I think I can. But I'm having a much harder time adapting to my military husband's new civilian mindset. Wonder if he's practicing for those retirement years? Yikes!
I've come up with a new rule myself - no Holiday Inn Express stays. Otherwise, my husband may come home speaking in an Australian accent, wearing khaki shorts and claiming he can wrestle crocodiles. Or maybe he'll come home, head to an Air Force Base and attempt to fly a stealth bomber. Scary stuff.
It's come to this....
Hi,
Love this synopsis, all I can say is I have been there done that and got the tee shirt. I finally kept a calendar and was able to point out that he had been gone for a total number of days equal to 6 months in one year. Boy was he surprised!!!
Posted by: Jo Ann | 01/07/2009 at 14:54
I've run into exactly the same thing! It makes me crazy, too, when I watch Survivor or Biggest Loser and everyone starts crying about "missing their loved ones" after ten measly days. Heck--that's just a little break! :) Civilians measure "frequent business travel" with a whole different yardstick.
Posted by: Kacie | 01/07/2009 at 17:05
Oh God! This is so true. I too am shock by the remarks on reality tv, people who don't know how they will make it after two months from their significant other! It makes me sick, they have no idea what separation truly is. My husband and I have been married 5 years, BUT he has only been home a total of 2 years.
Posted by: Dawn | 01/07/2009 at 18:49
One of my friends found out 6 months in advance that her husband's company planned a week long trip without families. For 6 months I heard her cry over this and sometimes she would get so upset that she couldn't hold food down. Then the week came and all week long I heard how hard it was with him being in Canada and it was just so rough on her and the kids that she refused to eat. Since my husband was only home a total of 4 months in the year 2008 I really am not the one you should come to when your husband gets an all expense paid vacation for 1 week. She even called one of those prayer hotlines and asked them for help over this matter. I wonder what people would do if they ever had "real" problems.
Posted by: angela | 01/07/2009 at 18:56
A week long trip without families? That's vacation. I would get to catch up on movies and stay on the couch, eating my bon bons.. ^_~ hehe
~Angela, last deployment I actually snapped at a friend b'c she kept complaining about the not being able to see her boyfriend. They are both civilians and live in the same city. Fun times.. :)
Posted by: Penny | 01/07/2009 at 21:25
My Airforce son lists our home as his permanent residence, and so lo and behold, his jury summons came to our house. I tried checking the box that says he is in the military, but they wanted to know where he is deployed to. So I mailed it to him hoping it got there in time for him to sign it and return it. According to our county, I guess he is deployed to Dayton.
Posted by: Joyce | 01/07/2009 at 21:39
when my DH got his federal jury duty notice, I called and told them that he was in that group that the news had been full of in the past week - the Surge National Guard group... they wanted to talk to him about it... sigh.
If I hear one person, just ONE tell me they hate when their DH is away for a week's hunting trip - I will snap. really, I will.
LAW
Posted by: liberal army wife | 01/08/2009 at 08:04
We *just* had a discussion about this, and it fell right in behind my other favorite "I may have only had two hours sleep but so-and-so only had one and a half hours" There is always a so-and-so who has it far worse than my husband. That means even if whatever it is is horrendous, it's not so bad and I shouldn't say anything about it being horrendous.
It makes my head hurt.
Posted by: Bon | 01/08/2009 at 14:51
That's an interesting topic... I'm going to have to pay attention for this. I think I might have been a little annoyed if Mark had been the one saying it.
Posted by: Sara | 01/09/2009 at 00:40
My husband is an Explosive Ordinance Disposal Tech (EOD). So far since we've been married (4 months) he's been gone for NTC (only a month after we got married) and is currently gone for some more trainning (he's got a week left out of 2 weeks). Then when he gets back from Iraq, he'll have to go on VIPs, which will again take him away for short periods of time. To me this is a lot, especially since he's deploying in March! I'm used to him being gone considering before we got married I was still living at home while he was working on his EOD school, but now that we're married this whole being gone thing sucks. Ironically enough though, I came to a realization yesterday about my situation. I may complain about him being gone and such, but silly me I should know better then to think that I'm totally alone just because he's gone for some odd period of time. I'm never alone, nor are any other military spouses'! We all have God on our side. He's always going to be there for us, and we are put into the positions we're put into because we all need to know how to trust in God and have faith. Our lives are constant struggles, but with God on our side we can be comforted in knowing that everythings going to be ok, even in the worst of times. It's hard to coop when he leaves and gets back. It seems like right there in the middle is when things sort of seem to be normal and it's no longer that big of a deal that he/she is gone because we're used to it. It's never easy to be seperated, but God is always there to help to protect us and our loved one(s). Any ways I understand where you're coming from.
Posted by: Tayler | 01/10/2009 at 15:39
My husband and I were dating long distance for about the first year of our relationship. I lived with my parents and drove 5 or more hours (depending on traffic and weather) each way to see my husband for the weekend. I would get there friday evening and leave at about 3am Monday mornings to get to work. People at work always said we were strong people to make that work... I knew better than to go along with thier thinkng. Then he had two almost back to back trainings.. the first was 1 month and the second was 2 months. Now we have been married since July and I moved in with him 2 months ago. He deployed last week and will be gone for 1 year. But Iven gotten funny reactions from the people I used to work with. They felt horrible for me when I could only see him on weekends or when he was away for a month or two. Now that its a year they just say oh you will get through it. Those are the people who may have experienced being away for a few days from thier husbands but dont know or cant imagine what its like to have the husband gone for a really long time. Sometimes I wish I could go back to seeing him only on weekends but Im proud of what he is being sent to do and when he gets back I will know that we really will have a stronger relationship and our trust will have grown.
Posted by: NewMilitaryWife | 01/14/2009 at 17:00