Reintegrating

My husband returned from Iraq a week ago.  The first few days were not so easy.  I wrote:

When your spouse is gone, it is easy to romanticize everything. We're the greatest couple that ever existed and we never fight and life is always flowers and sausages. And then he comes home, and you realize you had forgotten the little things that have bugged you for seven years of marriage.

I was referring to my husband's bad habit of falling asleep in the middle of our conversations.  And yes, I was frustrated at his seeming lack of interest in talking to me, but it was more than that.  As soon as he walked in the door from deployment, we had a big decision right on our shoulders: what to do with his block leave.

It is a long and boring story, but his family wanted him to do something that was inconvenient for us.  The decision of what we should do, whether we should try to fulfill their wishes or let them down, was weighing on us.  We were faced with options that all had down-sides, and we just had to pick the lesser of the evils.  But this was the first thing we had to do as a couple again, and it was stressful.  We were frustrated with each other because we weren't agreeing on which evil was the lesser.

And since we had a big dilemma weighing on us, smaller things rubbed us the wrong way.  We were snapping at each other and having a rough time.

We finally made a decision and picked the lesser evil.  Once the choice was made, the weight was lifted.  We stopped snapping at each other, and we stopped nitpicking.  I stopped having outlandish thoughts like that his desire to sleep meant that he didn't love me.

This reintegration, it is a tricky thing, even for solid couples. My husband is truly my best friend. We like the same movies, the same music, the same foods, the same TV.  We get along great and rarely bicker.  But reintegration is hard for everyone.  There are so many different stressors -- learning to share the house again, dealing with extended family who want to be included in the homecoming, catching up on a year of your life -- and we're lucky that we don't have children who need to adjust to the mix too.

It's been a week and we are doing better.  But having too much on our plate those first few days was not easy for us.

Comments

[Kristen]

It's funny...I didn't have to deal with reintegration after my husband came back from Iraq because we hadn't lived together before he left (we weren't married when he left). But now, after being away from home for almost two months, now, to help my father after his discharge from the hospital, this will be our first time having to get used to living together again.

Naturally his absence in Iraq was more emotionally and psychologically stressful for both of us than my absence in the relative safety of the US where there's a fair absence of mortars, but getting back to having a normal, cohabitative life will be an interesting challenge.

[Jessie]

The hardest thing for me when GI Joe came home was not the big decisions (though I can certainly empathize) but the little daily things, sharing a bathroom again, cooking bigger amounts of food,having to remember to things by him when I make plans, etc. We bickered about the little things for a couple of weeks as we got used to be a couple again and not just 2 people.

[wendy's Tiki Hut]

Yippee! He's home!

Reunion time is great. and tricky. I hope block leave goes well!

[Zoraida Rosado]

SPANISH. HOLA FELICIDADES,YO ESTOY CASADA CON UN RETIRADO DEL ARMY DE LAS FUERZAS ESPECIALES HOY SERIA EL #24 DE ANIVERSARIO DE BODAS PERO DESDE QUE LLEQUE A PUERTO RICO EN EL 1999 CON ORDENES DE N.C. HOY ES MUY TRISTE PORQUE ESTOY EN PLAN DE DIVORCIO,QUISIERA SABER MIS DERECHOS AUNQUE ESTE AQUI EN PUERTO RICO. EL GOLPE QUE RECIBI FUE TAN DURO QUE TODAVIA NO ME PUEDO RECUPERAR.

[anthony]

Reintrigation is the hardest yet for many vets.Lets hope theraphie will help if needed. God Bless you all.

[L.G.Nery]

I was so happy that my huband was coming home. Like so many other wives envision, I thought everything would be JUST PERFECT-like something out of a movie.

But, it goes without saying that it wasn't. The inlaws HAD to come down the next day, my husband NEVER took any leave from work, and right after the inlaws left, more inlaws showed up. When I talked to other wives they said their husbands told their family to stay away and let them adjust for a couple weeks first. Mine didn't though. I felt so hurt, like I was the last on his list of priorities. I mean, we are supposed to be husband and wife. Shouldn't that come before all else? Things changed for both of us while he was gone, shouldn't we be working that out first? I even had a break down while eating out with the inlaws during their visit. So embarrassing! But after a long, stressful deployment, I couldn't handle it anymore.

By the time the inlaws were gone, I was depressed and the special "he just came home" feeling was just about gone. Don't get me worng, above all else I loved having him home and was so grateful that he was back. My point is, it never really is quite the way you imagine it will be, it usually turns out to be very different.

[Cassandra]

It's funny - no matter how many times you do deployments, it's a mixed bag.

This time the reintegration was fairly painless even though he was gone a whole year. Last time he was gone a year... holy moly! It hit us like a Mack truck.

So you never know :)

[Penny]

Reintegration can definitely be a tricky thing. Dh had the same issue with going to sleep during the most random times of the day and I also thought it was something I was doing wrong, "Am I *that* boring?" but I definitely learned it was not me at all. hehe.. I'm so happy he's finally back Sarah! :)

[plc]

I did forget that he seems incapable of replacing the toilet paper on the roll! But at least he is there to get me a roll when I am "ahem, trapped so to speak".

[Charity]

My husband just returned from a deployment and we had to leave 2 days later for the holidays at families house around the country. Of course everywhere we went we had to share a room with our 3 year old daughter. I missed my husband so much but we never were able to have the honeymoon stage when he returned. Now we just seem to be on each others nerves.

I know that this is just an adjustment period because we have only been home for a couple of days but I feel so terrible that I get upset with him over the little stuff.

This was a good posting for me because we all know we are not alone in the situation but sometimes you still feel alone.