The expectations surrounding homecoming

When we discuss "reunion, and reintegration" here at SpouseBuzz (which we seem to do often).  Homecoming seems to come up.

Welcome home parties, balloons, banners, backyard barbeques, well it paints a wonderful picture.  And perhaps it is EXACTLY what your returning service member WANTS, but you may want to check with him or her and find out. 

Some service members respond to being in a war zone, in a different way.  Some common acute stress reactions to being in a combat zone include the following...

• Fatigue
• Shaking
• Tremors
• Sweating
• Nausea
• Vomiting
• Loss of appetite
• Headache
• Backache
• Frequent urination
• Palpitations
• Urinary incontinence
• Dizziness
• Hyperventilation
• Insomnia
• Nightmares
• Excessive sleeping
• Hypervigilance
• Increased sense of threat
• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Substance abuse
• Disruptive behavior
• Mistrust
• Loss of beliefs
• Reduced reaction times
• Indecision
• Disconnection with surroundings
• Inability to prioritize
• Slowed thought
• Lack of concentration
• Excessive attention to minor issues
• Excessive time spent on familiar tasks
• Loss of initiative
• Fatigue
• Difficulty starting routine activities

Please keep this in mind when planning events, for your returning veteran.  Perhaps a surprise is not  the way to go.  This actually came up on SpouseBuzz Talk Radio the other night with Guard Wife and I. 

Ask your service member what they want when they return.  Perhaps they want some quiet time with a small group, or maybe they are ready for a large group. 

Some service members need to relearn feeling safe, and comfortable.

Communication is KEY again. 

Comments

[Sarah]

I would also add a side note that some spouses don't like fanfare. My husband is quiet and private; PTSD aside, he would just be mortified if I got a big sign welcoming him home or made a big to-do. (I barely got him to stand at the altar at our wedding!) Since he is returning from Iraq soon, several people have asked if I am putting up signs and balloons. But I know that's just not my husband's cup of tea.

[SeabeeSeniorWife]

I think another thing to remember is to inform those welcoming him home what to expect as well. Especially if they aren't familiar with what he might be like coming home. I did this with the few family/friends we had that welcomed him home that first night. They only stayed about an hour and that worked out well. My one friend said later she was glad I had forewarned her because my husband had seemed so distant that she might have found it rude had she not known in advance that he was likely to be that way.

Even now, months later, I have to remind people that he's changed and that many of his responses to situations are a result of his time away. I think they thought that once he was home, it would be the same old guy. Sometimes I feel like I am continually apologizing for his standoffish behavior but I keep hoping it will get better over time. Honestly, I think it has, although it has been slower than even I expected.

[angela]

My husband hates the banners and balloons and just wants things back to normal. When he came in for R&R last year he was upset that he couldn't change into jeans in a tshirt before the plane took off. He feels uncomfortable when people stop him and airport to thank him. He knows they mean well but he is the type he likes to sneak in and out not being noticed. His mom was planning a big scene at the airport and he told her if she did he would tell her the wrong flight. He just doesn't like attention I guess.

[Flaneuse]

My husband also intensely dislikes any banners/fanfare. He just wants to get home, take a shower, and rest. Actually, my son and I have never even been at home to when he arrives...and he likes it that way. He feels it gives him time to rest, unwind, unpack and clean up before we all get back together in the next week or two. It's probably not typical, but it works very very well for us (have been together 10 years, 2 deployments...3rd coming up!)

[MilHealth]

You might find Afterdeployement.org to be a helpull resource for service members and families to manage concerns about homecoming.

Best wishes for a safe and happy Thanksgiving.